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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Both teens at uni in sept ... and we really want to move house ..

184 replies

ginorwine · 15/07/2017 23:10

I posted about this on aibu as we were wondering if it was fair to move house when ds is 2o and dd is 18 and both would really want us to stay in the family home when they are at uni so that they can come back to their long term family home ,see friends plus easily get work over the summer .
Dh and I have seen amazing long term home 17c cottage with view over sea in quite an isolated area . Dh really loves it .
I think the cottage is amazing and not many are in our price range there and we can only afford it as owner open to low offer due to personal circumstance s .
My dh can't quite retire yet as we want to support dc Thro uni and he has suggested that we buy the cottage but stay here in a Caravan ( rents too high if paying mortgage on the cottage ) and visit as much as can . He then wants to retire next summer which will mean ds has had 2 out of three years support at uni and dd one but from his pension lump sum give her the equivalent support that ds will have had (6k)
So this sorted practically .
The issue that is greatly worrying me is that the dc wd want us to stay here for continuity , sense of home and their friends as well as ability to get summer jobs . Ds at home from uni at mo and he is having great time seeing pals .

I'm really upset at the possibility of them not being able to come home and then poss be lonely in the new place say in a long summer , but at the same time I realise that the cottage is a long term life choice . I feel it is selfish as a parent to go for the cottage and affect my dc .. but if we lose the cottage .. and im going in circles here . I don't want to be at the cottage feeling guilty and bad about things - it wd spoil it . Delaying the actual move from our city is my suggestion - tho dh n I wd be in the caravan we cd pay for a holiday let for couple weeks of the summer in our city .. then they cd have time in cottage ..?
Wisdom please .
My instinct is to provide for dc and stay but dh has said some dc have had worse and tho it may unsettle them we shd thknk of ourselves ?
If I shd do that please tell he how to convince myself !!

OP posts:
ZenNudist · 16/07/2017 08:25

Think about it this way, how would you feel if you didn't move and then your children spent their holidays travelling, working in job placements in cities elsewhere, visiting friends going to music festivals, and only spent a small amount of time with you?

solomonrulesok · 16/07/2017 08:26

Poor you. I'm reading all the responses and it's such a mixed bag! I guess it is very dependant on what your DSs are like and how they would feel about it really. Let us know what you decide x

LIZS · 16/07/2017 08:27

I wouldn't up sticks until they were independent. Spend the next couple of years investigating suitable areas, go on extended trips to experience local life, visit at different times of year (the coast can be bleak in winter) think about finances and whether you can afford to buy a bolthole and let it out short-term, which could then become your home.

Squeegle · 16/07/2017 08:29

Have you spoken to your DCs about this? Maybe they might be more adult than you think. For me personally the idea of living in a caravan for a year would put me off.

Comps83 · 16/07/2017 08:29

Do it, it's a long term thing, possible forever home. Your kids might only be back a few weeks or months then move away themselves. They'll get over it.
There are worse things, when my friend went to uni her father changed the locks and sold all her stuff.

IfYouGoDownToTheWoodsToday · 16/07/2017 08:30

You say you will have supported the DS for "2 years out of 3 years"
Have you told him he has to support himself next year?
I think that's a pretty big thing to suddenly expect him to find £6K, especially when he's in his final, important year.

I personally would want to see both of them through uni and supported by me, before changing their finances and their family home.

I know others disagree but everyone is different. My own parents moved around constantly when I was growing up. (Not for work, they just liked living house). It really affected my friendships and I vowed never to do it to my dc.

GloriaV · 16/07/2017 08:35

DCs now in 30s and love visiting our rambling cottage in the country with the DGCs.
My DCs got jobs at uni, moved out of halls to private accomm after year one so stayed at uni town all summer, or you are paying rent for empty flat, as did most of their new friends. Why keep coming home? Only in touch with the best of school friends. I would be worried as to how they are doingif they wanted to spend months with DPs.

NormaSmuff · 16/07/2017 08:37

you are proposing to live in a caravan while your dh works one more year. can the dc stay in the caravan also?

SendintheArdwolves · 16/07/2017 08:38

My parents moved house when I was eighteen and off working abroad. I then returned and took up my uni place.

At the time, I felt very clearly that it was a rejection of me and my brother (they moved to a place which didn't have space for both of us, so very clearly saying "don't come back") I hated the new place they lived, didn't know anyone and didn't want to spend any time there. It was their decision, and I see their reasons. I hope they also understand my decisions as a result, ie: spending less time there.

The worst bit was that my parents seemed to want the best of both worlds -- for me to default to coming to theirs for holidays, christmas and birthdays like a child, but then "be an adult" when it suited them. So I would get guilt trips about "never coming home at the weekends" (why would I, it wasn't home) and the assumption was that I would come for all/most holidays and definitely christmas. They would make jolly jokes about me "turning up for a few weeks of getting my washing done and some decent food" as if I was unable to look after myself, but then in the same breath make it very clear that I wasn't to expect them to put a roof over my head when I finished studying because I was an adult now.

At the time, I found it very difficult, never considered their house home again, and even now find it annoying when my parents say things like "you're welcome to stay any time". The bit of me that's still 19 is like "You've changed your tune -- you couldn't get rid of me fast enough when I was young and didn't have any money".

Bottom line: make your decision. But be prepared for the impact, ie: your children will want to stay less.

Waitingforsherlock · 16/07/2017 08:42

Is there any way that you can buy the house now and then rent it out to pay the mortgage for the next few years? I've been lured by a 'dream house' and it's a strong pull, you may regret missing out. It's big enough to accommodate your dc's and they may, in the future, love having a countryside house to retreat to.

When I was at uni, I didn't come home for the entire summer. I had a job in my uni town. Don't get me wrong, it is always lovely to go home and there is a sanctity to the place where we grow up, however, my stance would be that it is the people within those walls that make you feel safe rather than the building itself. You are not suggesting that you abandon your children in any way, just relocating. I'm sure that if you spoke to them they would probably be in agreement with you. I would however look for a solution to the financial support issue for that last year at uni.

Hoppinggreen · 16/07/2017 08:43

Sorry but my parents moved to a very remote location when I was in my first year at Uni
I felt very isolated and hated being there to the extent that I avoided going home at weekends and holidays. I missed my friends and my home town and never considered their new house my home.
Always resented it to be honest

Rinkydinkypink · 16/07/2017 08:43

My dm moved home when I was 19 and at uni. I never lived at home again. Mainly because it wasn't my home anymore.

If you want your DC to feel like they have a family home then don't move. If you feel it wouldn't affect them that much or that they are unlikely to return home after uni anyway then do it.

YetAnotherSpartacus · 16/07/2017 08:46

Go. My parents did and although I was sad it was explained to me that they need to live their lives for them and not me which I totally understood. I was sad for the house I grew up in, mainly, but after a year I basically moved on myself and I realised how selfish I'd have been to have made them stay in a place that I only visited. But then, in my day we were expected to grow up more quickly and parents were not seen as pariahs for cutting apron strings.

Thetimestheyareachangingnow · 16/07/2017 08:47

Speak to your DC. Explain that their Dad has worked hard to support them (as have you) but is now struggling with a stressful job and his well-being needs to be prioritised.

You'll still be helping them financially, as well as emotionally, but you're selling up and you expect them to be nothing but supportive and enthusiastic about your decision.

Give that a go - they might just surprise you and come through for you both Smile

davidbyrneswhitesuit · 16/07/2017 08:53

They're going to rent a bigger holiday place during uni hols, Norma. OP said it somewhere upthread.

SayNoToCarrots · 16/07/2017 08:57

I am so confused. Your children have left home. They are adults. Once I left for uni I appreciated having somewhere to stay when I visited my mother, but I never expected her to pause her life so I could visit my old friends.

Original poster
ginorwine · 16/07/2017 09:00

Send
I would always say to them home is where people who love you are and I would always make sure there is a room for them as part of that and I would never put them under pressure to come back or to leave
I do think if we went to the new place it would mean that in the long run they would be more independent - our current house is a 4 storey large Victorian to which they bring their Friends all the time , dd boyfriend says over etc , walk into the City , easy to get job s ... all this is great for them and it's easy for them to stay - in truth I wdnt embrace adult kids after uni staying in the long term . To stay here wd def encourage that !
We have told them we will Always love them , threre will always be support both emotionally and practically for them but that we are considering try move . Dd fine - ds gentle and not a fan of change . He doesn't like the new area . He has most to lose as has great friends and attatchments to here . My ds I think is the issue for me . I can see he is try to be brave for us and it's pull at my heart . My friend says tho if you are firm that it's a good thing and project that with confidence the dc wil just follow that lead . ?

OP posts:
Original poster
ginorwine · 16/07/2017 09:03

Say
I kno what you meant about left home but ds is here June to sept over the summer so it's a big chunk of time and he feels home .
Also when he was tired out at uni he come s home ...
or do you mean psychologically left ?

OP posts:
Original poster
ginorwine · 16/07/2017 09:08

The times
Yes I wil try that
My friend said tell with confidence and they wd follow our lead
I'm struggling that so many thjnk we should stay to let d c not have the rug pulled from under their feet as sone people put it as it has keyed into all my guilt s !
We wdnt be able to support financially tho as dh wd retire to go there
That's why we were think of stay locally in caravan for a year to let them have chance be local and for us to earn
( the rent tho wd effect us massively but that wd be the comprimise )

OP posts:
BatFacedGirl · 16/07/2017 09:11

Didn't you get loads of responses only last week or so?

Only you can decide this surely? I have my eldest about to go to uni and I wouldn't contemplate it. Does this make you change your mind? Doubt it

It has to be your decision

ragged · 16/07/2017 09:12

If only have caravan to live in, will the adult offspring
A) never visit coz nowhere to sleep
B) visit but sleep in a tent or go home same day
C) stay in their Uni town digs all year, which will be more expensive (probably) for OP & her desperate-to-retire DH

Original poster
ginorwine · 16/07/2017 09:14

Gloria yes we have to pay for 38 weeks next year for ds uni house. .. so yes he may stay there longer .. basically it wd be stay here in case he needed ' home' like if ill , at Christmas etc
Was the move positive for you and dc at the time as well as now ?

OP posts:
Original poster
ginorwine · 16/07/2017 09:16

Bat. Yes I did post recently

It's because I'm so conflicted I've done it again .

OP posts:
Chestervase1 · 16/07/2017 09:20

Surely your DC could stay over with their friends when they come back from Uni for breaks. Or Airbnb possibly. Don't put off your a plans the property sounds amazing, but do get it checked out thoroughly by surveyors etc there may be a reason it is cheaper. I don't get this expectIon that kids who are starting off in life need security of the lifetime family home. They will still have a home and may love the location in the future.

BatFacedGirl · 16/07/2017 09:25

But only you know your kinds and your set up and Maureen from Scotland saying what she'd do isn't going to help much is it?

As you're so conflicted, I'd take this as a sign that you're not ready yet. Just because a load of mumsnetters say they'd do it doesn't mean it's right for you