Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Both teens at uni in sept ... and we really want to move house ..

184 replies

ginorwine · 15/07/2017 23:10

I posted about this on aibu as we were wondering if it was fair to move house when ds is 2o and dd is 18 and both would really want us to stay in the family home when they are at uni so that they can come back to their long term family home ,see friends plus easily get work over the summer .
Dh and I have seen amazing long term home 17c cottage with view over sea in quite an isolated area . Dh really loves it .
I think the cottage is amazing and not many are in our price range there and we can only afford it as owner open to low offer due to personal circumstance s .
My dh can't quite retire yet as we want to support dc Thro uni and he has suggested that we buy the cottage but stay here in a Caravan ( rents too high if paying mortgage on the cottage ) and visit as much as can . He then wants to retire next summer which will mean ds has had 2 out of three years support at uni and dd one but from his pension lump sum give her the equivalent support that ds will have had (6k)
So this sorted practically .
The issue that is greatly worrying me is that the dc wd want us to stay here for continuity , sense of home and their friends as well as ability to get summer jobs . Ds at home from uni at mo and he is having great time seeing pals .

I'm really upset at the possibility of them not being able to come home and then poss be lonely in the new place say in a long summer , but at the same time I realise that the cottage is a long term life choice . I feel it is selfish as a parent to go for the cottage and affect my dc .. but if we lose the cottage .. and im going in circles here . I don't want to be at the cottage feeling guilty and bad about things - it wd spoil it . Delaying the actual move from our city is my suggestion - tho dh n I wd be in the caravan we cd pay for a holiday let for couple weeks of the summer in our city .. then they cd have time in cottage ..?
Wisdom please .
My instinct is to provide for dc and stay but dh has said some dc have had worse and tho it may unsettle them we shd thknk of ourselves ?
If I shd do that please tell he how to convince myself !!

OP posts:
Original poster
ginorwine · 16/07/2017 11:13

User the cottage is at low price because the owner has had to have private surgery and he needs to raise funds
..

OP posts:
alltouchedout · 16/07/2017 11:20

Where are your dc going to find that £6k from for their final year? They won't be able to get bigger loans etc simply because their parents have withdrawn financial support. They aren't likely to find jobs paying an equivalent amount that won't impact significantly on their studies. Unless you have already found a solution to this?

Original poster
ginorwine · 16/07/2017 11:25

We don't pay uni fees if we are not working and earning under 25 k ?

OP posts:
museumum · 16/07/2017 11:25

In my experience one of the single most difficult times in life has been between uni and work. I personally would. Goose the option that can help your dc get their first job. If your current home is in a city with work I'd stay there. Unless you can afford to cover their rent in a city after uni?

My parents lives in rural Scotland. I remember literally scrapping pennies together for rent in a city. Doing temp jobs I couldn't afford bus fare to them having to lie through my teeth to attend career job interviews while trying g not to lose my minimum wage temp job in the process. It was tough. And that was in a better job climate than now.

If they can't commute from the cottage to anywhere with jobs then having a room for them at the cottage isn't really much help Sad

GinaFordCortina · 16/07/2017 11:29

Your "children" are actually adults and you shouldn't waste your life so they've got a place to hang out over the summer. Don't be a martyr to the cause and get yourself something that makes you happy.
They can rent a room if they want to stay local

alltouchedout · 16/07/2017 11:38

Don't your dc get a fees loan? Or is the £6k you're talking about used to pay the fees upfront?

GinaFordCortina · 16/07/2017 11:38

^Oh my god just buy it! They are adults. They might like to have the family home to come back to but never mind - as adults they will cope! I left home at 18 to travel, then went to uni, and very rarely went back to the family home once there. I found jobs in my uni city, rented houses in my uni city, lived as what I was - in independent adult! Your kids are not kids any more and you aren't exactly moving to Australia. (For what it's worth, the parents of one of my uni mates moved to Cyprus while he was in first year; he was fine!).
I really don't understand the 'absolutely not, it's my children's home it must be there for them until they are 25' opinion on here. They are ADULTS. So long as the house you are buying had space for them to stay if they need to (gaps between rentals, coming to see you at Xmas etc) go for it.^

^yes! All of that. MN is so strange sometimes people who won't charge their 30 year olds 50 pound a month rent and then they're bitching about their parents oil who are overly involved Hmm

Look, adults fend for themselves. And those people whose parents moved "and pulled the rug from under them" that's what being18-20 is!

Even if mamma and daddy stay right there if you EVER move out or go to uni that's what happens. It's growing up. The only way to avoid is to stay home forever.

I had moved states and then continents by the time I was 19. I'm shocked by these adults who are so happy to live half lives as children in mummy's house

Branleuse · 16/07/2017 11:40

I would buy it. They're adults now, if they don't like it, they can get their own place

Amammi · 16/07/2017 11:52

Could you have a chat in confidence with your 20yr old maybe and see what they say? As they are nearly finished uni they might know more about the impact a move may have on the younger one. It might be that the move you make dovetails in nicely with them spreading their wings in uni.

AlwaysaNortherner · 16/07/2017 12:00

My parents had to move when I was 19 due to jobs and financial reasons. I suppose I didn't resent them for it as they didn't really "choose" to move, they had to, so it wasn't like they were putting their own wants first. But it was fine! Your dc can go and stay with friends if they want to visit their home town, and fairly soon they're going to have their own places to call home. Just be prepared that you might not see them as much as you would have done in the old house - I go and stay with my parents for a few days here and there because it's good to see them, but as pp have said I wouldn't want to be there too long as I don't know anyone so there isn't anything for me to do there.

Mary21 · 16/07/2017 12:16

Last summer I watched The Human Givens webinar about supporting your child moving to uni and the advice was not to move in the first term until they were settled and uni had become their place.
Reality is if you start the process now you might not be in till the end of the year!

Roomba · 16/07/2017 12:21

I'm quite surprised at a lot of the responses here. My parents moved house when I was in my first year at uni and it never occurred to me to resent it. I was an adult, I'd left home and I was happy for them that they'd found a house they loved and that worked much better for them than the old house. Yes, it felt a bit odd the first couple of times I visited, but that passed quickly. I still visited a lot, went home for the summer after my first and second years and if I'd been planning on returning 'home' after uni I would have moved in there happily. You have a life and needs too, OP. Your children are adults - if you miss this opportunity for the sake of waiting a year or two that sounds nuts to me. They're not 15 and in the middle of GCSEs, your moving doesn't impact on their daily lives any more really.

Roomba · 16/07/2017 12:23

I should have said they moved about 150 miles from my childhood home, but I just stayed with friends when visiting my home city. I'd have been out with friend 95% of the time when I visited in their old home so not much of a problem.

Original poster
ginorwine · 16/07/2017 12:30

Thanks all
I really need to hear both sides
I was left by my mother at age 18 months and I have real fears of making my chldren feel abandoned or even sad for a small period of time - I'm aware of these issues and that I'm v sensitive and try to deal with them
But they do key into my Achilles heel
I have spent years doing what I can to make my children feel safe abd secure because I never wanted them to feel one iota of what I felt and sometimes this clouds my thinking but I try v hard not to let it .
I'm aware I'm afraid of hurting my dc .
In addition to this is the fact that they won't get £ help Thro uni from us if my dh retires and their loans will be bigger with less chance of work in the area which is a practical not anxiety mother aspect
I thank you all so much for your help
This is the hardest decision I can recall .

OP posts:
Falcon1 · 16/07/2017 13:01

My parents did this when I was 18, though in my case they moved to France. I really resented it and found it incredibly unsettling. I felt like they were saying, 'you're a grown up now, our job is done', when the reality was that I needed them more than ever. Starting out after uni can be really hard, and having that safety net of the family home taken away can cause a lot of anxiety. I really wouldn't do it yet. They'll be other dream homes.

Ruhrpott · 16/07/2017 13:31

If you move it will never be their home just a house their parents live in. My husbands parents never moved and he still thinks of it as home whereas mine did and my Mum's house is definitely not my home.

Original poster
ginorwine · 16/07/2017 13:32

Why can't a house were people love and care for you , feed you and nurture you where you are welcome anytime not be a home ?

OP posts:
YetAnotherSpartacus · 16/07/2017 13:36

If you move it will never be their home just a house their parents live in. My husbands parents never moved and he still thinks of it as home whereas mine did and my Mum's house is definitely not my home

I'm honestly flummoxed re why parents should be obligated to provide adult children with 'a home'. Seriously.

LIZS · 16/07/2017 13:44

They may be adults but are also dependants.

rizlett · 16/07/2017 13:47

Well op - if your current home is not on the market and the cottage is at such a good price it might sell before you even decide what you want to do!

Ruhrpott · 16/07/2017 13:48

I don't know why I feel like that but I do and always have. I have no history there, no roots, don't know the neighbours, don't know my way around. I have never lived there full time though as when I was at uni I met my now DH and spent all my time and holidays wherever he was. I have never stayed more than two or three days at my parents house since then and have always felt like a visitor rather than at home.

Original poster
ginorwine · 16/07/2017 13:57

Riz our house is sold . But I get your point !!!!!

OP posts:
MajesticWhine · 16/07/2017 14:10

I'm honestly flummoxed re why parents should be obligated to provide adult children with 'a home'. Seriously.

It's not about obligation. It's about what you want to provide for your family. I'm a bit flummoxed by the idea that all support should be withdrawn once a family member turns a certain age.

Ollivander84 · 16/07/2017 14:15

Do whatever you need to. Honestly
I went to 2 nurseries, had 2 nannies, 3 primary schools (one for just 3 weeks), 3 secondary schools... whilst I was at uni my parents moved 3 times. If it's right for you then do it

YetAnotherSpartacus · 16/07/2017 14:17

I'm a bit flummoxed by the idea that all support should be withdrawn once a family member turns a certain age

No one is withdrawing all support! They are simply moving house.