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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Both teens at uni in sept ... and we really want to move house ..

184 replies

ginorwine · 15/07/2017 23:10

I posted about this on aibu as we were wondering if it was fair to move house when ds is 2o and dd is 18 and both would really want us to stay in the family home when they are at uni so that they can come back to their long term family home ,see friends plus easily get work over the summer .
Dh and I have seen amazing long term home 17c cottage with view over sea in quite an isolated area . Dh really loves it .
I think the cottage is amazing and not many are in our price range there and we can only afford it as owner open to low offer due to personal circumstance s .
My dh can't quite retire yet as we want to support dc Thro uni and he has suggested that we buy the cottage but stay here in a Caravan ( rents too high if paying mortgage on the cottage ) and visit as much as can . He then wants to retire next summer which will mean ds has had 2 out of three years support at uni and dd one but from his pension lump sum give her the equivalent support that ds will have had (6k)
So this sorted practically .
The issue that is greatly worrying me is that the dc wd want us to stay here for continuity , sense of home and their friends as well as ability to get summer jobs . Ds at home from uni at mo and he is having great time seeing pals .

I'm really upset at the possibility of them not being able to come home and then poss be lonely in the new place say in a long summer , but at the same time I realise that the cottage is a long term life choice . I feel it is selfish as a parent to go for the cottage and affect my dc .. but if we lose the cottage .. and im going in circles here . I don't want to be at the cottage feeling guilty and bad about things - it wd spoil it . Delaying the actual move from our city is my suggestion - tho dh n I wd be in the caravan we cd pay for a holiday let for couple weeks of the summer in our city .. then they cd have time in cottage ..?
Wisdom please .
My instinct is to provide for dc and stay but dh has said some dc have had worse and tho it may unsettle them we shd thknk of ourselves ?
If I shd do that please tell he how to convince myself !!

OP posts:
GinaFordCortina · 17/07/2017 07:37

Well Gina, of course it's about the govt passing the buck, but dc even if adults are dependent on their patents inorder to live. That is why University is "relevant" hmmI take it you've never been to uni yourself or you would understand why most parents still have to give their "adult" children a lot of money to get them through university.We've just had 7 straight years of getting ours through. We're celebrating this year as we know feel we've "done our bit" and the dc are now not dependent on us.

I actually haven't disagreed about financial help the thread is about emotional dependance. The ops "children" will actually have a place to stay. It just won't be their first it's choice. Nice dig though.

Therealslimshady1 · 17/07/2017 08:01

My parents never moved

But I often wish they had, they remained in the provincial town whilst dreaming of live in an apartment in abigcity, going to concerts etc.

All my old friends moved anyway.

I kept in touch by visiting them in their new places of work/study

Staying put for university age children, for sentimental reasons, is unnecessary imo

MaybeDoctor · 17/07/2017 08:29

No. My parents moved from the home counties in easy reach of London to a remote part of the Uk, hundreds of miles away. I was in my second year of university and did feel cut adrift and as if I had no 'fall back' option - all my decisions around jobs, accommodation and, dare I say it, relationships, were influenced by feeling that I had no 'Plan B'.

Sgtmajormummy · 17/07/2017 08:32

The OP has already accepted an offer on the family home, so the children won't have their teenage bedrooms waiting for them.
The real question is whether to stay in the home town for the sake of their DCs' university holidays or pursue their own retirement dream.

It's a no-brainer. Buy the cottage and rent a small place (or a good static caravan) in your home town! You can use it during renovation work and until DH retires, and your DC can use it as a place to stay IF they want to come back and get a summer job or see friends. Renting means you're free to end it when you're happy the DC see your new cottage as home.

Self sacrifice is all very well, but your DC need to find their own way and you deserve to fulfill your dreams, too.

GloriaV · 17/07/2017 09:58

It seems that tragedy for uni goers not having their old home and school friends in the hols,when DPs have moved far, outweighs any wish to see DPs, many are saying they never did visit after they moved. There's gratitude for you Grin

marmiteloversunite · 18/07/2017 07:57

I would be more worried about the financial aspect of moving into a cottage. Have you had a good survey on it? If it is very old there are a lot of hidden expenses. We have just sold a cottage which would be most people's dream home. It was financially draining. You have to consider this if you are living there on pensions, unless it is a modern cottage without a thatch.

Original poster
ginorwine · 18/07/2017 12:13

It is 17 c with a tile roof . ...

OP posts:
LIZS · 18/07/2017 12:23

Is it the one with potential redevelopment site adjacent? If so might explain the price drop.

Original poster
ginorwine · 18/07/2017 19:33

Liz s what do you mean ? Do you mean about my ( bonkers. Previous thread ?) if so no - changed area .... but thanks

OP posts:
MrsPorth · 18/07/2017 23:36

You don't sound certain. It doesn't matter whether others on here would so it - if you're this conflicted, it's probably not right.

Beware the "bargain" property too....

ajandjjmum · 19/07/2017 00:16

We're in a similar situation, although our DC have both started their working lives in London.

We are trying to find our 'retirement family home' in a completely different area, but in a perfect world I would like to overlap for a couple of years, so that we can all get used to our 'new home' - although it will cost us to do so.

It really is a balancing act, and my thoughts vary from day to day.

BunnyBardot · 19/07/2017 00:37

No, I wouldn't move until they had moved out and were settled.

myrtleWilson · 19/07/2017 00:49

The thing is though OP that you have no idea when the children will be "ready" in their heads to move on from the (current) family home and you could spend many years waiting for that moment to come. In the meantime your next phase of life has shifted. I'd be inclined to go for the cottage - it has space for them to stay and a new different lifestyle for them and you. I didn't really return home after university and wouldn't for one second have expected my mom to put her plans on hold for me

GnomeDePlume · 19/07/2017 06:57

myrtleWilson I agree. The answer to the question 'when?' for my DB would have been 'never!

DM left the family home after DF died. It was a totally sensible move, she was on her own rattling around in a 4 bedroom house. DB was very hostile to the move. DB had an excessive connection to the house even going so far as to describe the renovations carried out by the new owners as a desecration!

ajandjjmum · 19/07/2017 15:49

My DM moved from our 'home' when I was in my 40s - with a lovely home and family of my own. I still was heartbroken (to be fair, all linked in with Dad's death), but when I went back it really hit me that it was the people who made it home, not the building.

I think my DS would be fine, I think DD would struggle without a 'home' base.

LightastheBreeze · 19/07/2017 15:58

I would buy it, when DS went to university he got a job in the university city and rarely came home just the odd weekend and Christmas. When he finished university he still didn't come back home as he got a job where he lived so it could turn out like this and you would have missed out on a house. They are adults now

Original poster
ginorwine · 19/07/2017 18:20

Am currently camping in proposed area to test out conviction out .
Thanks all v much for your support - much appriciated .

OP posts:
Kursk · 19/07/2017 18:23

Buy it,

I left for University and basically moved out then. Do what's best for you

Popchyck · 19/07/2017 19:09

That's a good idea, gin.

Wish you the best of luck with your decision.

Crispsheets · 19/07/2017 19:18

I'm doing something similar..Moving 250 miles away when DC's are years one and three at university. Their father is still here so it's a slightly different situation.
They see it as best of both worlds. They know I cant afford a house in a great area, whereas I can where I'm going. Plus they like where I'm moving to.
I'm a similar age to you.

Original poster
ginorwine · 19/07/2017 19:35

It's v quiet round here at night
Except camp site I on
It's rammed !!!

OP posts:
dotdotdotmustdash · 19/07/2017 19:47

I also have DS20 and DD18 both leaving for Uni in September. I have a firm 5 year plan in place where we both work to support them through Uni before we look at downsizing or moving. They only get their Uni accommodation for 40 weeks and this is where their Grandparents and friends are so this will be their home for the rest of time. I couldn't contemplate moving until they're older and have their own incomes.

Original poster
ginorwine · 20/07/2017 15:26

Dot we thought we wd do that until dd Thro uni i.e. 3 years
However my dh is a senior manager and is very stressed and feels that he cannot really continues his role .

OP posts:
Hotheadwheresthecoldbath · 21/07/2017 00:52

Do it,the may not be chuffed at first but will.out grow friends at home anyway or could stay with friends if they want to see them.My parents moved when I left home but all my friends from home went home themselves less and less.
They later retired to the seaside,quite a track but nlce to visit and all of us took our own kids there and they loved it.
My mum moved again when dad died,surprising us all but she is happy and that makes us happy.Home is about people not buildings and your kids will get that .
Now is your time.

Sundance2741 · 22/07/2017 08:40

I wouldn't do it, no. I see our home as my children's too and feel they should be able to continue to call it home until they're ready to live independently. I don't see being at university as independence - it's just a step along the way. As parents we consider the emotional and practical needs of our children in our decision making - why should that stop at 18/19?

My parents happen to live in the same house they did when I went to uni decades ago! It took many years but I no longer regard it as my home. But I'd have hated it if they'd moved back in the day. I had a local social life there up until my mid twenties.

There'll always be other houses, other bargains. Probably better than the one you're considering now.