Both teens at uni in sept ... and we really want to move house ..

[ginorwine]

I posted about this on aibu as we were wondering if it was fair to move house when ds is 2o and dd is 18 and both would really want us to stay in the family home when they are at uni so that they can come back to their long term family home ,see friends plus easily get work over the summer .
Dh and I have seen amazing long term home 17c cottage with view over sea in quite an isolated area . Dh really loves it .
I think the cottage is amazing and not many are in our price range there and we can only afford it as owner open to low offer due to personal circumstance s .
My dh can't quite retire yet as we want to support dc Thro uni and he has suggested that we buy the cottage but stay here in a Caravan ( rents too high if paying mortgage on the cottage ) and visit as much as can . He then wants to retire next summer which will mean ds has had 2 out of three years support at uni and dd one but from his pension lump sum give her the equivalent support that ds will have had (6k)
So this sorted practically .
The issue that is greatly worrying me is that the dc wd want us to stay here for continuity , sense of home and their friends as well as ability to get summer jobs . Ds at home from uni at mo and he is having great time seeing pals .

I'm really upset at the possibility of them not being able to come home and then poss be lonely in the new place say in a long summer , but at the same time I realise that the cottage is a long term life choice . I feel it is selfish as a parent to go for the cottage and affect my dc .. but if we lose the cottage .. and im going in circles here . I don't want to be at the cottage feeling guilty and bad about things - it wd spoil it . Delaying the actual move from our city is my suggestion - tho dh n I wd be in the caravan we cd pay for a holiday let for couple weeks of the summer in our city .. then they cd have time in cottage ..?
Wisdom please .
My instinct is to provide for dc and stay but dh has said some dc have had worse and tho it may unsettle them we shd thknk of ourselves ?
If I shd do that please tell he how to convince myself !!

Gin - Might it be that this difficult choice is more about your feelings of abandonment rather than what's actually happening now?

There will be those who think you should move and those who think you shouldn't but the truth is there is no right or correct choice.

If you buy your dream cottage there will be positives and negatives.
If you stay where you are there will be positives and negatives.

Usually when we make a choice we don't look back down the 'other' roads we might have taken.

It's not selfish to do what makes you happy either. In fact some people say that's what makes a good life and a good example to our dc.

Dear god woman buy the house!! Your adult children will be home all of two months of the year and if their parents buying the perfect place for them has them weeping and wailing then it's time they grow up. If they want to visit friends they can. If a friend told me she had dissuaded her parents from buying their retirement home so she could have cost trips home during uni hols if thjnk she was a selfish guy.

Home two months a year? Uni holidays are much longer that that

I sympathise - my DC are similar ages, one of them would be upset if we moved away because he has a very close network of friends that he likes to meet when home for the holidays and another one who probably wouldn't be too bothered.

The issue is that you and DH won't be retiring or moving there full time for a few years - and finances will be pretty stretched. I wonder if there is any merit in putting your move on hold. I know what you have said about size of house - its likely the DC won't be spending much time there though?

Good luck with whatever you decide to do.

I agree with @BossWitch
Buy it OP and enjoy your new phase in life
X

No. I wouldn't. And I'm not. I'm waiting.

They may be adults but are also dependants.

They shouldn't be. And they will still have the option of staying at the cottage. It's just it won't be exactly where they were the whole time. Christ almighty. Bloody MN you can't make rules for adults living at home or ask them to not bring strangers home, you can't ask them for rent, you can never leave because it's their "security". Surely at 18 we can stop the martyrdom madness.

Fucking hell. Grow up people.

Eh?
Is this a wind up?
You've sold their home so why the bloody hell are you asking us if you should move? It's a done deal!

The times
Yes we accepted an offer on our home
We were going to downsize locally or live in a more manageable home locally
Then we saw this opportunity
It's not a wind up ... we are surely allowed to sell the hone.

They may be adults but are also dependants.

They shouldn't be

Well they are if they are at uni.
A parent is expected, by the government to support their child through uni, until they are classed as a 'mature student', which I think is classed as 23 or 24.

Of course they're dependents if they're at uni!

Well yes and we will still look after them and give them a place to live .
My dh health is suffering and he need to retire from a senior role but he still plans to earn but we will be contributing much less financially

Of course they're dependent at university. That's why the parent has to fill in a very financially detailed form online.

I mean, you can tell them to take a hike if you want, but it's not very nice, is it?

that's about the government trying to pass the buck. It has nothing to do with a parent being expected to keep the family home forever for an adult.

Otherwise why is university relevant? You should be liable for keeping your "babies" home till they're 25 even if they aren't in school.

My parents sold the family home while I was at uni and moved to a different county. I never resented them for it, if that helps.

My parents moved when I was in my first year at uni - from one side of the country to the other. It was fine, I met people and found summer work in the new area, and ended up staying and working in the area after uni for a couple of years.

We have just moved during eldest DC's first year at uni. We always said we would, and delayed a move by 3 years to see him through school and get him settled at uni. He came home for a month, slept and ate a lot, and is now off seeing mates (not just in our old home town) before heading back to uni city to get keys for his new house and to hopefully pick up some summer work. I did worry that he would be bored here, but he said he quite liked having some down time and did a bit of exploring with us too.

He is busy living his own life - I don't think he needs as us as much as I would like to think he does.

Well Gina, of course it's about the govt passing the buck, but dc even if adults are dependent on their patents inorder to live. That is why University is "relevant"

I take it you've never been to uni yourself or you would understand why most parents still have to give their "adult" children a lot of money to get them through university.

We've just had 7 straight years of getting ours through. We're celebrating this year as we know feel we've "done our bit" and the dc are now not dependent on us.

We intended to do this. When DD left for university we would pursue the rural dream. That was the plan. Didn't work out like that.

We actually moved when she was 16 instead. And we love it. All of us. DD has changed schools and loves it. She will go to university this year.

We were both working hard, saving money and living in the city. We were both turning 50, I had just lost both parents and we decided that we had to seize the day and go for it. No regrets at all. All three of us are much happier here.

If we ever get bored or have another reason to move then we'll sell up and move on. No big deal.

if your dh retires and your income drops a lot student finance will assess you based on the current years income. You have to ask and I think it has to be a 15% drop. So your student child(ren) can borrow more and very few will ever pay off their debts it may make no difference.

However your children react now in a year or two they will be more mature and unless they are real snowflakes should be away about their own lives.

Dont be a martyr, you know a suitable house may not come up again.

It has been said that you only regret what you dont do. It's time to think of yourself and the new life you need to make once they have left.

Gina, I agree it's about the government passing the buck. But, well, it's happened. It's a very difficult situation for us all, university or not, with house prices and living costs.

Thanks all I realy appriciate your support .

I'd be gone in a flash. They've left home now. They'll move into shared accommodation, get jobs in uni town and your dream will be in smoke. Self sacrifice gone mad.

Hi there

I've not replied to a thread before but wanted to offer some support and to say go for it, I moved house at great expense when my daughter started further education, for her to move out two months later, and live with friends instead - she apologised at the time, but didn't really need too, as the move was as much about our needs as a couple as well as hers. Compromise is something we all need to embrace as the parent or adult child and a great lesson for life, as things often change, or don't go to plan.

I'm flabbergasted that adult children have childhood rooms kept for them, but this isn't a criticism, and do think parents should put themselves first at some point in their parental journey, as have seen many family and friends die young, or have a change in health or financial status, that causes them to follow a different path, and one they didn't choose or wish for.......and have regrets...... none of us can predict the future.

Do what makes you happy as we get one chance at this, children adapt but also be clear that this is your time too for new beginnings and change, we don't have to be 18/19 year olds to have adventures otherwise we will perhaps have regrets and resentment can fester. Live your life, not your children's.....

Live life, love support and offer stability to your children and keep communication open so everyone is up to speed on where you are - things have a natural way of settling down, but make sure they don't feel rejected or pushed away, keep talking........as this is the key. I hope this was helpful