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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Both teens at uni in sept ... and we really want to move house ..

184 replies

ginorwine · 15/07/2017 23:10

I posted about this on aibu as we were wondering if it was fair to move house when ds is 2o and dd is 18 and both would really want us to stay in the family home when they are at uni so that they can come back to their long term family home ,see friends plus easily get work over the summer .
Dh and I have seen amazing long term home 17c cottage with view over sea in quite an isolated area . Dh really loves it .
I think the cottage is amazing and not many are in our price range there and we can only afford it as owner open to low offer due to personal circumstance s .
My dh can't quite retire yet as we want to support dc Thro uni and he has suggested that we buy the cottage but stay here in a Caravan ( rents too high if paying mortgage on the cottage ) and visit as much as can . He then wants to retire next summer which will mean ds has had 2 out of three years support at uni and dd one but from his pension lump sum give her the equivalent support that ds will have had (6k)
So this sorted practically .
The issue that is greatly worrying me is that the dc wd want us to stay here for continuity , sense of home and their friends as well as ability to get summer jobs . Ds at home from uni at mo and he is having great time seeing pals .

I'm really upset at the possibility of them not being able to come home and then poss be lonely in the new place say in a long summer , but at the same time I realise that the cottage is a long term life choice . I feel it is selfish as a parent to go for the cottage and affect my dc .. but if we lose the cottage .. and im going in circles here . I don't want to be at the cottage feeling guilty and bad about things - it wd spoil it . Delaying the actual move from our city is my suggestion - tho dh n I wd be in the caravan we cd pay for a holiday let for couple weeks of the summer in our city .. then they cd have time in cottage ..?
Wisdom please .
My instinct is to provide for dc and stay but dh has said some dc have had worse and tho it may unsettle them we shd thknk of ourselves ?
If I shd do that please tell he how to convince myself !!

OP posts:
SendintheArdwolves · 16/07/2017 09:26

I would always say to them home is where people who love you are

I don't mean to be harsh, but that's bollocks. "Home" is a complex concept, and it's not just about love.

Psychologically and sociologically, the concept of home includes things like safety, a sense of belonging, a sense of having a "right" to be there (ie: it's very hard for a place to feel like home if there's a risk of being compelled to leave) privacy, self-determination, a feeling that you control who enters, etc. Trite phrases like "home is love" sound pretty but they are meaningless.

I mean, my best friend loves me, but I don't get to rock up on her doorstep and say "I'm home!"

LIZS · 16/07/2017 09:26

I get a sense that the repeated threads are you trying to convince yourself this is the right thing, against your deep seated misgivings. You may think of "home" as spiritual rather than physical but your dc may well not agree. If your ds has already sought refuge from time to time, wouldn't you be withdrawing that sense of security from him? Are your dc ready for that?

NormaSmuff · 16/07/2017 09:28

Can you get a bigger caravan for all of you to stay in while DH works?

CarbonMint · 16/07/2017 09:28

I'd do it. There's room for them to visit.
Are they drivers? If so they can still see friends.
When I went to Uni I went home for the first set of holidays then got a job and hardly went back. It was more exciting to stay in the city.

rogueantimatter · 16/07/2017 09:32

I find it hard to believe that you wouldn't find another dream home in a couple of years.

SallyGinnamon · 16/07/2017 09:33

I'd also say go ahead with the move.

My parents moved when I was at Uni, about an hour away from where I grew up. When I went there it was never 'home' but I'd moved on friends wise and had already started spending hols still at uni with new friends.

Their new house is in a much nicer place than where I grew up and they're very happy there. How bonkers to miss out on this future for me to theoretically see old school friends.

Original poster
ginorwine · 16/07/2017 09:41

I'm conflicted because I'm scared of upsetting people and thus myself
Because I can't see into the future it's safer and easier to stay so outside my comfort zone is fearful - like i can't predict if dc will be ok or not .... but if people never take any risks ..?
The truth is it is right house wrong time
( but if they come home after uni the same issue wd arise - we can't get jobs there ( dc ) ... and we may get stuck here again
As for the cottage there are only two in the village in our price range .

OP posts:
Thetimestheyareachangingnow · 16/07/2017 09:49

OP - like many of us, you are looking for certainty but that doesn't exist. This could play out a number of ways. Your DS could find a girlfriend soon and spend holidays in her hometown whilst you're stuck in the home he wants you to be in!

There are some proper snowflakes on this thread! Some of us had to deal with parental bereavement/divorce when we were young so might be a bit more pragmatic about the family home.

Original poster
ginorwine · 16/07/2017 09:57

The times
Are you meaning that we may be being over protective ? - snowflakes I mean ?

I do agree that I try to make their path easy and that some dc have it v hard ..
I did find a post hard when it refferd to us pulling rug from under their feet ..the cottage was chosen for size and layout as to be big enogh for them always to have their own room .
In addition when I talked about love making a home someone put its more than that needed but at least they wd have that

OP posts:
KeiraTwiceKnightley · 16/07/2017 10:01

Can you not buy it and treat as a holiday let for a couple of years until the children are done? The letting will help cover the mortgage and you can sell yours in a year or two and then move into it as your main home.

Original poster
ginorwine · 16/07/2017 10:09

I think will start thread ask for positive experirces of move when dc at uni so I can digest that aspect

OP posts:
Original poster
ginorwine · 16/07/2017 10:10

Keira that wd be a fab option but we can't afford that . My dh is 58 and wdnt get the mortgage .

OP posts:
DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen · 16/07/2017 10:15

Wrt pulling a rug from under their feet, tbh I agree. They will have so many holidays at uni and then will be back home afterwards. It's not like they're properly leaving home in which case I would definitely consider moving.

What is there to do in this potential new village? Can they drive? Will they be able to if they can't? Can they get to friends or part time jobs? Will you be willing to get them around if the PT is crap ( which it often is in remote villages)

thepatchworkcat · 16/07/2017 10:18

I wouldn't do it yet. I know the DC are adults but not everyone has a great time at uni or wants to stay in their uni town for hols. I loved it at uni but none of my friends really hung around in hols so I would have been very lonely stuck there. I mean obviously I would have coped and got a job and met new people but I wouldn't have been happy.
Also I felt very lost after uni, didn't know what to do jobwise for a long time, worked two temp jobs, had very little money, split with long term partner etc and so it got up the point where it was nice to be able to go home for a few months and sort my head out.

BossWitch · 16/07/2017 10:18

I suppose it depends on how independent your dc are. My parents knew I was the independent type and didn't expect me home every holiday. Lots of my friends at uni were the same - we were happiest living our own lives in this awesome university city, had jobs there, mates there, our own houses where we could come and go as we pleased and not feel like kids under our parents roofs. To us, parents moving would have been fine (and was fine, in at least one case I mentioned earlier, who's parents moved out of the country in first year). Other people I knew at uni had much closer ties to home. They were on the train home on the last day of term, wanted to go home, see school friends, have mum do their washing, pick up old jobs. Some of those moved home at the end of uni, some didn't. But I can't imagine that any of them would have been unable to cope if their parents had moved away - they were intelligent, capable adults who would have adapted. You know your dc, and none of us do. Unless you have a real, solid reason to think they will be utterly screwed up by your move, do it!

Rhubarbtart9 · 16/07/2017 10:20

I wouldn't.

onemorecupofcoffeefortheroad · 16/07/2017 10:20

I wouldn't do it but can understand why someone would.
Some of my happiest memories are coming home to the safety and security of home age 18-25 and living away. Being able to come back to the home I'd grown up in and see my family and mates was hugely valuable to me.
My parents did eventually move to a great new house a few years later.

ILoveMyMonkey · 16/07/2017 10:25

Have you actually asked your kids what they think about it all?

That would be my first port of call, you never know they might tell you absolutely go for it, or they might not, but unless you ask you'll never know what they think and ultimately you might be feeling unnecessary guilt.

user1493630944 · 16/07/2017 10:26

My DCs reacted in a similar way to yours when we proposed moving area when the younger one was starting uni. I was really surprised at the time. We didn't move and I'm glad we didn't. Now, about 5 years later, DCs are no longer bothered and recognise what I thought was obvious at the time: that they and their friends are all moving on in their lives, going to different areas for work, and they can still keep in touch and visit.
One other thought, rural isolated properties are not good for growing old in, especially once you can't drive, so maybe best not to think of such a place as 'forever'.

SallyGinnamon · 16/07/2017 10:26

Also bear in mind that their school friends may well also end up living elsewhere so won't be there if they come 'home' when they finish uni.

TimeToMoveOnUp · 16/07/2017 10:36

Seriously, but the cottage. I don't understand all the "you can't move the family home" bollocks. What about people who move the family around every year? My parents moved countries whilst me and my brother were at uni. When I went to uni I had mentally moved out anyway. Your plan of caravan for you and DH for a year, and bigger rental for holidays sounds the opposite of selfish, you are living in a caravan to be there for them.
Buy the cottage, you will regret t otherwise and when they finish uni and move abroad/across the country for work and visit 3times a year for weekend only you will regret it

LizzieMacQueen · 16/07/2017 10:36

I couldn't manage more than a fortnight in a caravan so for that reason alone I'd say you were mad to consider it. See how your husband feels next year when he's retired.

(Also agree that the tone of your posts screams you don't want to go)

user1493630944 · 16/07/2017 10:37

There is a reason that cottage is available at a low price, and if you need to get a mortgage then it sounds like you can't actually afford it. In your situation my thoughts would be for your DH to continue working while DC are at uni and review the situation once DC have finished (don't forget that many go on to do a masters nowadays). Your DH may be looking at this through rose tinted spectacles, having no job and nothing much to do sitting looking at a lovely view will pall very quickly. Adapting to retirement is not always easy.

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen · 16/07/2017 10:42

Also consider that uni might not work out for them and one or both of them might end up coming home and having to reassess what they do, which leads again to needing a car/ public transport etc.

user1492287253 · 16/07/2017 10:59

buy it. we are just relocating dd1 is 22 , dd2 is 19. old enough to fend for themselvs.