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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Both teens at uni in sept ... and we really want to move house ..

184 replies

ginorwine · 15/07/2017 23:10

I posted about this on aibu as we were wondering if it was fair to move house when ds is 2o and dd is 18 and both would really want us to stay in the family home when they are at uni so that they can come back to their long term family home ,see friends plus easily get work over the summer .
Dh and I have seen amazing long term home 17c cottage with view over sea in quite an isolated area . Dh really loves it .
I think the cottage is amazing and not many are in our price range there and we can only afford it as owner open to low offer due to personal circumstance s .
My dh can't quite retire yet as we want to support dc Thro uni and he has suggested that we buy the cottage but stay here in a Caravan ( rents too high if paying mortgage on the cottage ) and visit as much as can . He then wants to retire next summer which will mean ds has had 2 out of three years support at uni and dd one but from his pension lump sum give her the equivalent support that ds will have had (6k)
So this sorted practically .
The issue that is greatly worrying me is that the dc wd want us to stay here for continuity , sense of home and their friends as well as ability to get summer jobs . Ds at home from uni at mo and he is having great time seeing pals .

I'm really upset at the possibility of them not being able to come home and then poss be lonely in the new place say in a long summer , but at the same time I realise that the cottage is a long term life choice . I feel it is selfish as a parent to go for the cottage and affect my dc .. but if we lose the cottage .. and im going in circles here . I don't want to be at the cottage feeling guilty and bad about things - it wd spoil it . Delaying the actual move from our city is my suggestion - tho dh n I wd be in the caravan we cd pay for a holiday let for couple weeks of the summer in our city .. then they cd have time in cottage ..?
Wisdom please .
My instinct is to provide for dc and stay but dh has said some dc have had worse and tho it may unsettle them we shd thknk of ourselves ?
If I shd do that please tell he how to convince myself !!

OP posts:
MaisyPops · 16/07/2017 07:47

It makes life difficult for them. My parents did something similar and the result was that I lost touch with lots of friends because during breaks and holidays they would all be meeting up whilst I was stuck ages away only seeing people on odd weekend visits. I still have a little resentment now about it.
I don't consider my parents house home. It's nice. But home is where I grew up.

Crumbs1 · 16/07/2017 07:48

I think children need security and stability as they move out into adulthood. University is a time for exploring and growing from that secure base. I wouldn't move and give impression their needs were no longer important for a few years yet.
No such thing as a true bargain in the housing market. Other opportunities will come along.

rightwhine · 16/07/2017 07:50

But the cottage and rent it out until you can move in.

user1498911470 · 16/07/2017 07:51

No, it's their home as well and you are pulling the rug out from under their feet. Wait until they leave university and then see what the situation is then.

My parents moved house a month after I left for uni as they put the house on the market on results day once they knew I'd be going. I never went back to their house because it wasn't home.

MyCalmX · 16/07/2017 07:52

No I wouldn't if my dc didn't want me to unless there were very good reasons to move.

You've said if you didn't have dc you'd go but what if you didn't have a dh? You'd want your dc around then wouldn't you?

Didiusfalco · 16/07/2017 07:55

This might be a bargain, but there is never just one house. If this one was pulled off the market would you still want to make the move now? If no, I wouldn't move for a particular house at the expense of what is best for the dc.

ZenNudist · 16/07/2017 07:57

I think it depends on how much you are ready to embrace your post child raising life.

I personally think you should move. But I say this as someone who didnt live at home much after i left for uni. I did go back in the shorter holidays but really hated it anyway and as soon as i had a house spent each summer living and working in my uni city. Plus i made sure i had a job and moved away permanently when i graduated.

So based on my experience i would do what you want to do. If you have space for them to visit thats enough. Also you could still go on trips or holidays with your dc.you are going to see then a lot less. Start living your life the way you want it.

Original poster
ginorwine · 16/07/2017 07:59

Caravan rental here was to keep us here another year to support us to stay here for dc as cheap as possible as rent wd take all my wages and more -and rent a holiday home for us all in the hoilday s so they cd c pals
Yes dh is their father
He is in late 50 s but struggle to keep going in his stressful job and has the option to retire and we considerd living on his pension and supplementing it with holiday jobs .
We can't afford to buy it and rent here it's too expensive
We could try to let it out - I was concerned about costs tho as I can see on the web site it's only rented out in summer - it Is v expensive holiday let and I think it may put folk off .
I may contact the letting agent ..

OP posts:
GreenTulips · 16/07/2017 08:03

Wouldn't you feel isolated in a new town away from your friends? What about other family - would you miss them? What about things you'd take for granted. Popping to the shops cinema etc?

Most holiday towns are dead over winter - even for locals!! Shops shut nothing happens - then you have to wait for summer fates to have something to do!!! It's not that great living in a sea side town when your used to city living!

What do you want OP?

You talk of DC and DH needs but not yours

Original poster
ginorwine · 16/07/2017 08:04

To answer no if I didn't have dh then I wdnt move as I have a network here
However we wanted a new phase of life together
To answer re if it fell Thro - no I wouldn't go now I'd wait
The issue is tho the village is v small and the truth is there are not many houses to buy there with enough room to accomadate dc ( wen we do move I always want a room for them not a2 bed cottage )

OP posts:
FrancisCrawford · 16/07/2017 08:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

autumnboys · 16/07/2017 08:05

How easy would it be to find a holiday job around this new home, if it's an isolated area.

DH’s parents moved while he was at Uni, many years ago. He has very little attachment to their home/area as a result. This younger sibs, who did live there go & see their parents much more than we do, in order to catch up with friends.

Original poster
ginorwine · 16/07/2017 08:07

Green
Yes I wd miss my dear friends
But I already talk to people in the village I go so often they kno my face
I hate the cinema .. too claustrophobic for me - go once a year if that
The village has a town ten mins away - hoilday town but some normal shops
I've resolved issue s re me
It's more my dc really ..

OP posts:
Original poster
ginorwine · 16/07/2017 08:11

When I read the thread I can see that folk describe the poss move at times as ' pulling the rug from under their feet ' i.e. Dc
This breaks my heart to think that wot we may be doing - feels v selfish indeed . To affect young lives . We are in our mid 50 s and late 50 s and were hoping to live in an area we love . So hard .

OP posts:
olliegarchy99 · 16/07/2017 08:12

just do it. Your children (who are really adults ) will not stick around once they have jobs/travel and do their own thing.

I agree with bosswitch why do so many parents continue to put their 'children' above their own needs when said children are ADULTS

sogimaba · 16/07/2017 08:14

This reply has been deleted

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TuddlesAndSisses · 16/07/2017 08:14

My parents moved to another country whilst I was in the second year of a six year course. I had always known it was coming but I didn't resent them at all. I think I'll always miss the family home for sentimental reasons but I think it's fantastic my parents are happy and enjoying their new life!

I could visit my old school friends when I wanted to - got a summer job in a local hotel one year and they were able to provide accommodation. Other times it was the odd weekend here and there and I'd stay over with a friend. However I found that as time went on we had less in common and as I matured I realised that some of my school friends perhaps weren't such great friends after all. I'm still in touch with the ones that matter (many years later) though

solomonrulesok · 16/07/2017 08:14

Don't do it yet. Sorry. Uni can be an extremely unsettling time so even more reason to have home stay the same. Yes they are adults but they are still your babies!
Maybe I just feel this way as my parents moved away just after uni and I still feel homesick for my old home. A feeling of being adrift if you like.

Another cottage will come up plus you say you would feel the guilt. Spend the next few years doing really good research, go visit the areas you like, get to know the market. Then properly enjoy it when the time is right.

Plus Brexit. Possibly not the right time to be doing all this now though a bit dependant on where you are.

LittleCandle · 16/07/2017 08:15

Don't put your life on hold for the DCs. They will be moving on with their lives after uni and you have already done loads for them. Think of yourself now and make the move. If your DC aren't happy that you are moving to your dream home, then they sound pretty selfish. I know kids that age are selfish, but you need to think about you now, not just your DC. They are growing up and leaving home, which is the natural progression. You are entitled to have your life the way you want it.

MudCity · 16/07/2017 08:18

Buy it. They are adults. They will cope. I didn't expect my parents to make decisions around me when I left for university and beyond. I made my choice about the university I wanted to go to and where I worked afterwards. Where you live is your choice. As long as they can stay with you when they need to, that's all that matters.

RippleEffects · 16/07/2017 08:18

I think your DC's personalities a part in this. I'm an academic year below my dsis. At 18 I moved out to go to uni. I mentally moved out too. My DSis left for uni the year before me but when my parents sold up and she was 25, she was devestated. What about her room, her toys, her curtains etc. She'd barely ever been back just felt that it was her safe place if she ever needed it.

I was happy for my parents, i'd long left - physically and mentally.

It really did upset my sis for quite a long time.

Have you/ could you talked to your DC about the practicalities of all this? You never know they might be able to come up with proposals of how the situation could pan out you haven't thought of.

solomonrulesok · 16/07/2017 08:18

Also rereading your message you sound as if you want to stay. It's your DH who is pressuring on the move. Stereotypical maybe but men tend to be far less emotionless around the idea of home, feeling settled etc so perhaps he doesn't quite see what you have pointed out and feels that your sons are quite capable of managing. I'm sure they are very capable of managing but I also think you've put them first all these years, why not wait a few more till they are into jobs and properly away, then really go for it and enjoy it!! Good luck to you

noitsnotteattimeyet · 16/07/2017 08:19

OP we are thinking of doing something similar but we'd be moving when our youngest would be going into sixth form. The youngest would love to be more rural (we're currently in a big city but has always loved being outdoors, riding etc). The eldest will have finished university and the middle one will have finished school. I suspect that we'll have failure to launch issues with the two older ones so in some ways we're hoping it might give them a bit of a jolt into becoming a little more independent. They will always be welcome to live with us for as long as they want to but sometimes I look at some of the families round here with all the adult children living at home until late 20s or even older and feel depressed

Frankiestein401 · 16/07/2017 08:22

unless you're in London the chances of them maintaining friendships at home after 1st yr at uni are small, perspectives/world view relative to friends who stayed home move apart - jobs unlikely to be in home town etc

GnomeDePlume · 16/07/2017 08:23

DH's parents moved around the country a couple of times while he was a student. He remained very close to his parents wherever they were living.

If you wait until your DCs move out of the family home after they have finished at university you could be waiting a few years. Many graduate careers can be quite peripatetic to start with.

We have DCs of similar age and have resigned ourselves to staying in the family home for at least the next 10 years but we dont have a dream home come available elsewhere.