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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Ds and his girlfriend

129 replies

Jackson12 · 05/03/2017 20:42

My ds is 18 and will be off to uni in the Autumn. He's in a long term relationship and the two of them are very happy. He asked if his gf (also 18) could 'stay over' after a party he hosted for his 18th, I'm uncomfortable thinking that he is having any sexual relations and quickly shut him down. Was this the right thing to do?

OP posts:
Birdsbeesandtrees · 05/03/2017 21:26

It's rather silly of them. I do remember my mum saying something similar when I was at uni - I just said that DP and I probably wouldn't be visiting them very often in that case.

I'm not sure what anyone can really do if you want to go on holiday with your partner. Guardians or not.

My mum forbade me to go away when I was 21 Hmm since I was paying for it and at uni at the time I just told we I was going and that was that.

Ofcourse I wasn't financially dependent on them which helped.

Birdsbeesandtrees · 05/03/2017 21:26

I never did move back in after uni. Funny that.

ssd · 05/03/2017 21:27

no need to be sarky Dame, he's got as much right to ask a question here as anyone

Birdsbeesandtrees · 05/03/2017 21:27

I would suggest asking when it would be acceptable.

When you are 20 ? 30 ? 40 ? Married with 6 kids ?

Original poster
Jackson12 · 05/03/2017 21:28

Nah they're my parents but I dont want to grow distant from them just because im hornyGrin

OP posts:
Userone1 · 05/03/2017 21:29

I wouldn't have a previous problem with it, but I'm not your parent. Good luck

Userone1 · 05/03/2017 21:29

Not sure where 'previous' came from in my post!

ssd · 05/03/2017 21:29

good boy!

its not easy being a parent, believe it or not

Original poster
Jackson12 · 05/03/2017 21:30

Nope im fine thanks, I'll probably delete the account after this

OP posts:
Sparklingbrook · 05/03/2017 21:30

Oh it's a reverse. Confused

GotToGetMyFingerOut · 05/03/2017 21:30

But you are eighteen and an adult. If you are paying for it your parents CANT stop you going for a weekend away. I mean you will be at uni soon!

They can say no one is staying over unfortunately you need to accept that. Personally as a mother I wouldn't mind and use to sleep over at my now husbands from Sixteen but my parents were stricter and whilst they'd allow me to stay at his they didn't want us staying at theirs until older.

ssd · 05/03/2017 21:32

his parents cant stop him but he knows it would majorly upset them if he went, so I'm guessing he wont go...yet

Birdsbeesandtrees · 05/03/2017 21:32

If you are at uni they wouldn't even need to know you'd gone away on a weekend come to think of it.

MarciaBlaine · 05/03/2017 21:33

He's an adult. My parents had me at that age, and were married. He's your little baby no longer.

ssd · 05/03/2017 21:35

marcia Grin

LoveBeingAMum555 · 05/03/2017 21:35

I think it's fine to have your own opinion on these things and if you believe that there should be no sex before marriage then you are entitled to that opinion. Of course you also have to accept that by 18 it is highly likely that he is having or has had a sexual relationship and really at his age whether he has or not is none of your business.

I recently heard statistics that 1/3 of kids have had sex under age and the average age for losing your virginity is now 16 in this country.

As for sleeping together under your roof it is absolutely your choice and he should respect that. My parents didnt allow me to sleep with my long term boyfriend in their house before marriage. Unfortunately his parents were much more liberal and I slept with him there!

Its an uncomfortable subject for many parents. My boys are 16 and 18 and it's something that my husband and I have talked about a lot just lately. For what its worth we would allow the boys to sleep with a long term partner in our home but we would want to be asked first and I would always want to have the chance to say no if we didnt feel happy about it for any reason. When any teenagers stay here I am always clear about the fact that this is my home and I decide who sleeps where and with whom!

ssd · 05/03/2017 21:37

does anybody actually read the thread these days?

WilfSell · 05/03/2017 21:38

I've told DS (17 nearly 18) that I never want to hear A THING, I never want to see any young women wandering round with no clothes on and I don't want my younger children exposed but other than that, I am happy that they have somewhere safe and normal to be...

Your parents though are going through a tough transition. They might not change their mind but you could try empathising and asking openly what it is that upsets them so much? If it is all lines in the sand and shouting and insisting, nothing will get better. They might soften a bit if you talk them down like a grown up.

I was a bit OMG NOOOOO when I clicked DS was having sex and I am about as liberal as it gets. It's not just the morality; they are also having to deal with their loss of you as a child. In fact I think this fear should make them MORE willing to let you have sex in their/your house (don't say this out loud to your mum though Grin) because it is one way to keep an adult son coming home rather than running off to the bosom of his gfs family... I quickly refocused to go 'ok so now we're going to have to invite her on holiday aren't we...?'

Maybe you can VERY GENTLY talk them round to see it as a GOOD thing?

ShakingAndShocked · 05/03/2017 21:39

1/10

Sparklingbrook · 05/03/2017 21:39

does anybody actually read the thread these days?

I think RTFT seems to belong to a bygone era ssd. Read the OP only then reply-Modern MN.

Original poster
Jackson12 · 05/03/2017 21:40

Its odd because I get a lot of freedom in everything else and I'm really thankful for that, (go where I want when I want )but when it comes to sex its whip out your chastity belts

OP posts:
Sparklingbrook · 05/03/2017 21:41

You will be fine in the Autumn when you are at Uni.

PoorYorick · 05/03/2017 21:42

Is it worth it?
Let me work it!
I put my thing down, flip it and REVERSE IT.

Birdsbeesandtrees · 05/03/2017 21:43

I agree. Off to uni and it will sort itself out. Lots of people don't move back in after uni either. I know a few who did but not many and he ones that did not for long.

Userone1 · 05/03/2017 21:43

I've noticed lots don't read threads, it's more talk to yourself than social media!