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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

Ds and his girlfriend

129 replies

Jackson12 · 05/03/2017 20:42

My ds is 18 and will be off to uni in the Autumn. He's in a long term relationship and the two of them are very happy. He asked if his gf (also 18) could 'stay over' after a party he hosted for his 18th, I'm uncomfortable thinking that he is having any sexual relations and quickly shut him down. Was this the right thing to do?

OP posts:

ImperialBlether · 05/03/2017 21:08

Oh ffs.

Hulababy · 05/03/2017 21:09

He's 18 and in a long term relationship. Handed are he has had sex it is planning too very soon.

He's an adult. Your child, yes. But also an adult.

He is going to university in a few months and living independently from you so he will be doing whatever he wants. He probably is already just not at home, or at least not when you're at home.

I can't see how you can prevent him going away with his girlfriend tbh. Would you stop him going away with male friends? He's an adult and surely can choose whether to holiday with his girlfriend or not, well if he is spying at least anyway.

I can kind of understand the not wanting him to to have the girlfriend stay over at your house when you are at home. Many parents have thought this and it was definitely common honking when I was growing up - I only know one of my friend's parent who allowed it before their child left for university and several who didn't even allow it until after the grown child had finished university and left home fully.

However times have changed and people do tend to allow their younger adult children (17/18 plus) to have long term partners stay over. And that's probably a good thing tbh. Let's face it - not being able to have a partner sleep over when we were younger didn't stop most of us having sex! It was just less comfortable often and in more worrying or compromising situations and often not without risk. When Dd reaches that age I'd rather she had a long term boyfriend sleep over than him and her trying to skulk around looking for opportunities elsewhere. Boone wants to think about their children's sexual antics but they're not actually doing anything wrong are they!?

Why are you so against him having a sexual relationship at age 18?

ChampagneCommunist · 05/03/2017 21:09

I am interested that you refer to them as guardians not parents; I am assuming they aren't your parents.

Is part of their decision maybe based on the fact that they feel they will be judged as making the "wrong" decision by some sort of higher authority?

sunshinesupermum · 05/03/2017 21:09

Bollocks is right CalmItKermit This is obviously a spoof.

Iamastonished · 05/03/2017 21:13

"He also wants to go on a weekend away over the summer with her, something which I am also strongly against."

Why? He is 18 - an adult. Do you honestly think that he and his girlfriend only chastely hold hands when they see each other? Are you very religious?

"You can't stop them going on a weekend together, they're adults?"

This ^^

What do you think will happen when he goes to university? Do you really think he will live like a monk?

Honestly, you have extremely unrealistic expectations. What is your problem exactly?

Iamastonished · 05/03/2017 21:14

Cross posted. I feel such a mug.

Userone1 · 05/03/2017 21:17

Wow 18 year old boys ask for advice on MN now! I don't bloody believe it!

Original poster

Jackson12 · 05/03/2017 21:18

For some reason I thought it would help them with anonymity I'm just naive

OP posts:

PortiaCastis · 05/03/2017 21:19

Dunno about boys but my dd is 18 and wouldn't join Mn.

Original poster

Jackson12 · 05/03/2017 21:19

I know I'm desperate I know they'll never listen to someone under the age of 20

OP posts:

Whisky2014 · 05/03/2017 21:19

What?

Purplebluebird · 05/03/2017 21:21

Yabu!!!

PigletJohn · 05/03/2017 21:21

The rule is usually interpreted as "you mustn't have sex in my house if I'm at home and I can hear you.

yaela123 · 05/03/2017 21:21

Anyone can use Mumsnet

It's definitely not the norm but there's nothing wrong with 18 yo boys using it I wish my DS did it might give him some more common sense

HardcoreLadyType · 05/03/2017 21:22

While I disagree with your guardians' stance, unfortunately, if you are financially reliant on them, there may not be much you can do about it.

I'm sure you can find lots of opportunities to have sex. My parents had a similar attitude to your guardians' and I certainly did.

Badhairday1001 · 05/03/2017 21:23

I would have no problem with it.

PortiaCastis · 05/03/2017 21:23

Quite right pigletjohn dd has her bf to stay but her room is on a different floor to mine so I don't hear any noises.

Original poster

Jackson12 · 05/03/2017 21:24

Yeah I need there help for uni

OP posts:

Ackvavit · 05/03/2017 21:24

Unreasonable- as soon as DC were 16 I made it acceptable to bring people back home, as long as person staying was also 16. It's reverse logic parenting, in hindsight. No excitement. No cladestine event. And frankly they will do it anywhere. Make it comfortable and safe. I never understand why making a very pleasurable experience horrible is something you'd want for your children. Let them enjoy.

GardenGeek · 05/03/2017 21:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

Jackson12 · 05/03/2017 21:24

*their

OP posts:

UsedToBeAPaxmanFan · 05/03/2017 21:25

OP, are your guardians your grandparents? I feel very sorry for you but I think that you have to accept "their house, their rules". Do you have another relative who could maybe put your case?

In terms of going away for a weekend, if you are 18 and paying for it yourself then they can do nothing to stop you.

I think you have to explain to them that their views aren't in line with modern thinking, and that while you respect their house and their rules, you also have a life to .live and you are entitled to pursue a healthy adult relationship.

DameDeDoubtance · 05/03/2017 21:25

Oooooooo k, anything else we can help you with now your here?

ssd · 05/03/2017 21:26

op, I totally get where you're coming from and I hope the answers here have shown you that you aren't being unreasonable at all

but, unfortunately, sometimes your parents or guardians cant face the fact that you are growing up and if you are still living with them then you have to respect their views, daft as they are

once you have left home and have your own life, you'll be able to do what you want, until them try to respect their wishes and live accordingly you poor soul

Original poster

Jackson12 · 05/03/2017 21:26

Thanks

OP posts:

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