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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

My son's girlfriend is pregnant [title edited by MNHQ]

251 replies

Vickyb1465 · 27/11/2016 21:08

My boy, just turned 20, has got his girlfriend pregnant. She's 21 and really wants the baby. We are 7 months in, he also now wants the baby. I think he thinks of it as a new belonging. He has no job, not looking for one, she doesn't really care..I can't afford a baby....what the hell do I do 😔

OP posts:
slenderisthenight · 28/11/2016 08:55

op doesn't seem to be engaging

I can't imagine why... Hmm

Bluntness100 · 28/11/2016 09:01

Op, are you still reading? Why does he not have a job and isn't looking for one please?

I think that as responsible parents it's our job to teach them responsibility, he will need to financially support the child, not you or the government, so I would look at encouraging him to find work, talk to him about what parenting involves, not just the financial responsibility, but also the moral guidance obligation as well.

NoCapes · 28/11/2016 09:02

I don't get all this 'MN at its worst' - I've seen MN much worse, people here were offering genuine advice, what's the problem??
And if op had said 'OK clumsy title, I mean my sons having a baby' it would've been dropped, but she came back and said 'yes my son is equally as pregnant as the mother' which tbh is fucking offensive to anyone that's ever been pregnant, particularly if they struggled it also makes the OP look like an idiot that's why people kept saying he isn't, so again - I'm not seeing the issue??

Soubriquet · 28/11/2016 09:04

How the hell is this mn at its worse

So let's forget the my son is pregnant part.

We've suggested he goes out and gets a job to support his child

That was shot down too and called unsupportive. What else are we supposed to say?!

ElfOnMyShelf · 28/11/2016 09:10

I'm so confuses

ElfOnMyShelf · 28/11/2016 09:10

Confused even!

Josephinebloggs · 28/11/2016 09:16

I'd love to read the full thread but too distracted by ordering Bugsy Malone now. Grin

CrimsonKing · 28/11/2016 09:38

It's the way people have mocked the OP. If you can't see the vileness in some of the responses (not all) well then we will have to agree to disagree.

I stand by my comment that this is an example of Mumsnet at its worse - some truly vile posts.

Incidentally to whoever said that I should forget the "my son is pregnant part" - those are exactly the type of posts I am talking about. The fact that you reference it suggests......

roundandroundthehouses · 28/11/2016 09:59

It suggests that - although a few posters definitely picked up the 'pregnant' phrasing and ran with it - it may not be relevant to the OP's attitude. Because she'd started her big reaction way before that.

I imagine some people came on to offer real advice, saw the OP flinging accusations willy-nilly after two or three serious responses, and decided this wasn't someone they were going to take seriously. The combination of an odd thread title, and a poster who starts shouting almost immediately with little or no provocation tends to elicit that response. Because sometimes posters like that aren't genuine, and others who are genuine just aren't going to listen to anything they don't want to hear.

bigredboat · 28/11/2016 10:30

This thread has gone in some confusing directions Confused

OP I think you need to step back a bit, it's not your baby to provide for, obviously you want to support your son but it's his and the mum's job to pay for nappies etc. Plenty of people are young parents and manage fine, it'll be good for the baby to have a grandmother who cares about it.

LilQueenie · 28/11/2016 10:43

no MN the thread is not being misinterpreted unless you also want to edit the OPs first post alongside it. Get a backbone. Oh and when are all the posters getting kicked off that the OP reported.

bigbuttons · 28/11/2016 13:13

Mn at its worst? I've seen this bodied around recently. No way is this MN at its worst. Anyone who thinks that doesn't know MN.

doingitdifferentlytoday · 28/11/2016 17:41

Congratulations! it must be an exciting time. You will soon have a new grandchild.

I think the biggest way you could help them is to take him/ them to citizens advice. They can help him work out the benefits they will be entitled to. If this includes telling your son to get work to facilitate tax credits, then it's not come from you. He might respond to someone else explaining the benefit system to him.

They will be fine with you on side. Will they be living with you?
It will be ok. Don't worry.

CalleighDoodle · 28/11/2016 20:48

I completely forgot scott baio was in bugsy malone

Lucyneedssleep · 29/11/2016 10:28

I think you should encourage him to step up and provide. It's great that they have your support but be careful not to do much and make it to easy, or they may well have a few that you find your financing and caring for. It might not be ideal but they are both adults and need to be treated as so. I have a friend who was in similar situation but younger DC and she is more or less parent to her GC.

Notmyweek · 29/11/2016 11:04

OP,

I completely get what you are saying!

Everyone has jumped on the whole thing you said about him being equally pregnant, not being smart or intelligent enough to know you meant it's his responsibility as much as hers!

I completely get what you mean, if a family member couldn't afford food for their child the first thing I'd do is buy it!

Supporting your son by giving advice doesn't put food in his baby! They are 20/21 they are still young, most people on here who are giving shite advice are the ones who are still wiping their 20 year old sons ass!

Ignore them all OP!

The comment someone said about the gf being given sufficient benefits is absolutely hilarious! If that were true, every woman in the country would be having a kid as soon as they left school because I can tell you all now, the money il get once I've had my child will be a 1/3rd of what I get whilst working.

Sorry you've had such shit advice OP.....some women are bored

GinIsIn · 29/11/2016 11:29

notmyweek what on earth are you talking about? The overwhelming advice on here has been that the OP's son needs to get a job to support his new family. You know what puts food in his baby? Him getting a job and earning the money to buy food. Hmm

Manumission · 29/11/2016 11:31

I want some of whatever Notmyweek is on Smile

PurpleDaisies · 29/11/2016 11:33

I suspect it might be glue manumission.

duxb · 29/11/2016 11:40

Obviously you aren't going to let your Grandchild go hungry/unclean/be homeless and nobody has suggested that you do.

However the responsibility here sits with your son and his girlfriend. He needs to get a job, she needs to secure any funding in terms of maternity pay/allowance. They need to decide on a living arrangement.

If your son and his girlfriend are capable of creating life then it's their responsibility to step up to the plate.

Your job is to love your son, encourage him to go and get a job and if need be, provide whatever support is needed to ensure the wellbeing of your grandchild. It isn't however, your responsibility to raise him etc. You also need to stop coddling him - he is a grown up. That doesn't mean you abandon him but you don't need to baby him. It will only encourage him to continue to have no motivation to sort his own life out and it's absolutely something he needs to do now he is about to become a father.

Also - posting on a public forum, inviting opinion will always provide you a divisive range of responses. Some you will like, some you won't. The response to that isn't to hurl abuse at people who reply, trying to give you the advice you've asked for .

Notmyweek · 29/11/2016 11:45

Yes getting a job will feed the child however if the son isn't bothered about working then what does OP do???? Say tough shit & do nothing?? Nope she will step up & support the baby! It's normal unless you are a heartless c*nt!

Oh I wish I was on something, maybe I'd cope with reading ridiculous replies!!

PurpleDaisies · 29/11/2016 11:46

Yes getting a job will feed the child however if the son isn't bothered about working then what does OP do???? Say tough shit & do nothing?? Nope she will step up & support the baby! It's normal unless you are a heartless cnt!*

The trouble is there's no incentive for the son to change his life if he's always bailed out by his mum. Sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind.

GinIsIn · 29/11/2016 11:47

notmyweek and how exactly do you expect him to be bothered about getting a job if mummy dearest just steps in and pays for things? Which she has already said multiple times on this thread she cannot afford to do, hence people telling her she needs to tell her son to get a job.

There certainly are some ridiculous replies, but the only ones I can see are the OP's and yours....

notquiteruralbliss · 30/11/2016 07:16

Maybe I am on the minority but I found this thread odd. If I had a 20 year old DS with a pregnant GF my first response would not be that either of them must get a job. At that age, if they were in education or training, I would be happy to support them financially so that they could continue with that. If they were doing nothing, and had no career plans, I would encourage them to work out what they wanted to do and to take steps towards achieving it, whether that be a job, an apprenticeship, college or uni. I wouldn't want either my DS or his GF to have the career opportunities open to them limited.

WinnieTheW0rm · 30/11/2016 07:23

OP didn't say he was in education.

I think there probably would be different responses, because short-term support whilst he makes every effort to secure their longer term future would self-evidently be a good thing.

But with no info on that, not on where they intend to live, nor the mother-to-he's circumstances, then there really isn't much to go on. Other than say key thing is to support him in securing a livelihood so he can provide for his family.