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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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On the verge of kicking her out eldest DD16

631 replies

Pisssssedofff · 22/06/2016 09:30

She hits her siblings and really hurts them aged 12 and 6. My son when he was interviewed by the court over custody thing drew my eldest dd in the sad house.

I kind of feel these incidents are happening more frequently with exam pressure. I'm on my own with 4 of them. In a three Bed house. It's pretty much like living in a pressure cooker

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Forevertiredzzzzzz · 22/06/2016 16:38

And does she have many/any friends?

Pisssssedofff · 22/06/2016 16:40

I've literally just asked her Forever I get the rolled eyes, the how long is this going to take, I have revision to do .... All the usual crap. I pointed out its been less than a week since this happened last time. She doesn't care. I'm super calm now, whispering not showing any emotions. It's hard.

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Pisssssedofff · 22/06/2016 16:41

Don't get me started on her friends, I've met them and Jesus their poor poor parents. At least she's not self harming

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Pisssssedofff · 22/06/2016 16:42

Thing is the one kid that's the worst for it, the cutting, his parents are together, lovely people, teachers I don't what the fuck they've done if it's all the parents fault

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Forevertiredzzzzzz · 22/06/2016 16:42

Shock her just go in and give her a cuddle tell her you love her and don't want to play referee between her and her sibling and how you can figure out how to sort this out! Have you ever been close? I wouldn't say she sounds ASD (my DD is and ADHD) but is it a possibility she could have an attachment disorder if you never bonded?

Forevertiredzzzzzz · 22/06/2016 16:44

It's not always parents fault teenagers have a rough time , I personally hated every minute of being a teenager and was so relieved to leave school so much politics , peer pressure etc

Pisssssedofff · 22/06/2016 16:44

We have always been close until three years ago when the bombs were dropped ... I won't go into that but let's just say the stress and what they've been through not many kids have, not abuse or death or anything but it's been shit you know

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Pisssssedofff · 22/06/2016 16:45

I look at my dad and I think aspbergs maybe I even have it, who knows

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Letmehaveausername · 22/06/2016 16:46

You realise you've just made yourself sound like a heartless bitch right? People self harm for many many reasons, the largest of them because of MH problems. It doesn't matter if someone's got an amazing home with two parents happily married, depression can still happen.

And I never said your sofa was dirty, I said that ss have made a valid suggestion if they've felt the water damage to your sofa was enough to make comment. A throw would cover it yes but I've seen many good soft furnishings need to be dumped and replaced due to water damage.

WaitroseCoffeeCostaCup · 22/06/2016 16:47

Just had a talk with dd about how there cannot be a repeat of today and was told if I'm that upset I should go and kills myself. She's utterly fucked up isn't she ? Who says that to their mother

Who says they don't love their Daughter? See where I'm going with this....?

Maybebabybee · 22/06/2016 16:47

Sorry but all abusive people start somewhere.

Many abusive men had fucked up childhoods. Should we absolve them of responsibility? Feel sorry for them? No.

Parents being abused by their kids is massively taboo but it happens. A lot. There's no excuse for violence.

Forevertiredzzzzzz · 22/06/2016 16:48

Ok well maybe that was a trigger and she is just incredibly insecure about whatever happened coupled with hormones , the others were younger so may not have been affected to such an extent. Will she engage with counselling ? My DD won't but does go to camhs. I have an early help worker because my DD is at risk of permanent exclusion and he has honestly been such a great help , it's not the same as SS but used to prevent things from crisis, I know your already there but could you ask school to refer you?

princessmi12 · 22/06/2016 16:49

Also it doesn't matter how long stepfather been in her life,even its hes onl father figure she knows. She knows he is not her BIOLOGICAL father and I think she feels left out ,she doesn't quite fit into family because of this.
Can you try to contact her father in Sydney? Please make every effort to do so,it might help your DD in long run

Forevertiredzzzzzz · 22/06/2016 16:50

^ I don't agree if her father isn't interested will cause more harm than good another rejection

Pisssssedofff · 22/06/2016 16:50

She admits it's because the 12 year old won't hit her back, she's said it ... The 14 year old would batter her if she hit her so she won't, they kid isn't stupid.
Difference is waitrose I didn't say it to her.

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Pisssssedofff · 22/06/2016 16:51

I've texted him princess he didn't reply. I totally agree ex being a twat will have done massive harm but I can't control his behaviour

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princessmi12 · 22/06/2016 16:52

Forever
You don't know that
He might be interested but doesn't know where and how to start due to such long time in NC

Pisssssedofff · 22/06/2016 16:52

Her father isn't a bad man either, I've never said a word against him to her, he's just self preserving I guess

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Pisssssedofff · 22/06/2016 16:53

No princess he's been contacted this year

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Letmehaveausername · 22/06/2016 16:53

You being a twat has also done massive harm. Surely you can see that?

princessmi12 · 22/06/2016 16:53

What have you texted him?
If in such manner you make conversation here,I do not blame him...

minifingerz · 22/06/2016 16:53

OP, you are very angry with your dd.

Can't you dig down deep and feel any love for her? Think of her as a baby and small child.

My own dd went through 3 years of unbearable behaviour at home which nearly broke me and the whole family, and the best advice I got was 'love her most when she deserves it least'. I know it's very very hard to do when you are completely at the end of your tether, as you clearly are.

FWIW, after having spent years resenting my dd and feeling outraged that she wasn't contrite about the awful things she'd said and done, she was diagnosed with anxiety, depression and a whole host of serious mental health problems for which at 16 she's now in treatment. I am able to me more loving to her now and life is bearable again for all of us.

Something else which influenced me was reading threads on the relationships board by adults who have never got over their parents turning their backs on them when they were still children (as your dd is). I don't want to be that mum. Do you?

Social services helped me, as did the police, Parent Line, and CAMHS (sort of). My dd's school were also helpful. You should be reaching out for help with your family situation. It's the right thing to do.

Forevertiredzzzzzz · 22/06/2016 16:54

Have you asked why she feels so angry that she wants to hurt someone who won't fight back? Talk about other ways to channel it , make some suggestions "next time you feel that angry count to 10 come and find me we will go for a walk before it gets there" dangle a carrot. 16 or not they still love rewards such as - if you can manage your anger this week and not resort to violence we will do this together ?!

ricketytickety · 22/06/2016 16:54

Sorry to go off track but is the dc with the sore jaw alright? Do they need to see a doc? Maybe then you can get help by explaining to the doc how it happened. It's not right for her to beat a sibling so badly despite her obviously having problems. The younger siblings have a right to safety too.

Pisssssedofff · 22/06/2016 16:55

I texted him here's your daughters mobile number. That's all. I've had the same email address for the past 18 years he knows how to get in touch as does his sister

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