On the verge of kicking her out eldest DD16

[Pisssssedofff]

She hits her siblings and really hurts them aged 12 and 6. My son when he was interviewed by the court over custody thing drew my eldest dd in the sad house.

I kind of feel these incidents are happening more frequently with exam pressure. I'm on my own with 4 of them. In a three Bed house. It's pretty much like living in a pressure cooker

It might also be worth further investigating having your DD move out - I had a friend who, aged 16, had her mum sign her over to SS and she was given a flat. This was a mutual agreement on both of their parts,

What kind of archaic, abusive mindset thinks that popping a distressed 16 yr old into flat to fend for themselves is an acceptable idea?

What would happen, OP, if you did the following:

Had a calm measured discussion with school about seeking extra support, help, counselling, referral etc for your DD.

Called SS and requested help in managing behaviour that is dangerous to your family.

Made an appointment with your GP, urgently.

When your DD returns home tonight, after having all day to run over the events of the morning in her mind, you tell her you are going to have a talk later. Get the other children to bed, business as usual.

You sit down together. You explain to your DD that she is your daughter, and you want what is best for her. You wouldn't allow a bigger, stronger person to assault her in her own home.

Her behaviour today has put you in a position where you have been forced to act. You are willing to support her through this, but she will need to do her part. She will cooperate with the school. She will attend a GP appt with you, and meet with SS. She will agree that in the event of a recurrence, the police will be called, despite your reluctance to involve her with them.

What will happen? Will she kick off in front of her head of year?

Please, just see if you can make a plan, and get on it. Maybe this morning is the wake-up call you both need, the beginning of a huge change in things.

I can hear your desperation, but really, as parents, we don't get to just bail out.

School seems to be a good place for her. You say she's doing well. Is there any particular teacher who could support her? Have you spoken to school previously about her behaviour at home, and if so, what was their response?

She needs someone she can relate to, someone she can trust and confide in, someone who has her back. Hopefully someone at school could provide that for her.

You need as many support agencies involved as you can get your hands on for:

1. Yourself.
2. Your oldest dd who, whether you want to accept it or not, is suffering too and acting
3. Your other dc who you say you aren't coping with either

You don't sound like you have any rl support from their fathers. You are a sinking ship. Time to act. Great you've called the school. Be honest with them and tell them what you've told us. They will help you get the other agenices on board. Including CAMHS for your dd.

It will work out - be honest and tell people how you feel. The right people. And keep telling them until they support you and your dc.

acting out for a reason

You know what I'm unbelievably stressed right now and have been for three years with no fucking end in sight and everything there's a glimmer of happiness or an end to it all, something sets us back to square one. I will be fine I'm just so angry with dd1 right now, so angry. I'm sure the school will phone SS and I'll talk to them when they call. Not much else can be done, nobody has a magic wand and I've worked with enough gps to know how this all works. Unless I do attempt to kill myself which I've no intention of doing nothing will happen

You have had some brilliant, calm, positive advice and support on this thread, OP. Please take it, and start on the road to getting this sorted. XXX

You can phone SS right now, yourself, and get things started. You are not helpless. You have a phone. Use it, right now.

I stand by everything that I have said.

If OP had come on and shown even a bit of self awareness, a bit of takimg responsibility, a hint that she could try and see it from her daughters side, then my replies would have been (and have been in the past) different.

But she didn't. She is filled with anger and hate and is directing that towards a child. That is not acceptable.

This situation didn't happen overnight. I won't pat OP on the back and say there there when her attitude is that her child is to blame and she speaks about a 16 year old with such contempt.

Is not about being helpless. It's about not wanting to start a catalogue of events which potentially could be more harm than good and unfortunately that has been my previous experience

You seem determined to ignore all advice given to you here and instead just want to keep exploding. That's your choice, but you'll get less and less sympathy and advice until no one gives a crap because you refuse to take anything on board.

The GP will act, I know that for a fact. To not act on you telling them you're suicidal is neglect of duty or something like that. However from my experience of going to a go and telling them I feel suicidal they give you an immediate referral to the crisis team who in turn assess you same day and decide on how to proceed from there.

OP i think people are getting frustrated with you as you have had lots of good advice of you pick through all the posts. But at the end of the day you will have to make the first move to contact someone about this - GP, Police SS etc. Nothing will change otherwise. I suggest you sit down and calmly make a plan of action. If she is well behaved in school then it is unlikely they will take any action. If one of her sibling got into school with bruising and says what has happened you may have no choice but to have police/sw involvement.

This is so sad to read. I understand the point where you feel you are done, despite what other people have said, you are not alone in feeling that way. I'm always shocked at how awful women are to other women in distress. I think you came on here to vent, to try and get some of your anger out, to try and maybe get a bit of understanding. You're pregnant, alone, hormonal, probably exhausted. I think looking after yourself first is important, when you feel strong you cope better with other people's anger, with your responsibilities. You do love her, you are just at breaking point.

You're clearly at breaking point OP, as an individual, and as a family. I echo other suggestions of going to the GP (and insisting you need an appt today) and telling them everything you have told us here.

I don't really think telling the school is going to get you far, or at least get you there quick enough. Your DDs behaviour, whatever the underlying reasons cannot continue. When she comes home you need to tell her that, and tell her that you are seeking help for the family to stop it. Tell her it has to end now, but you want to help her.

Ask her what she wants - have you ever done this before? Has anyone? If she wants to go, and ultimately you want her to go, then look at the options and work together (as far as is possible anyhow) on it. You will need SS involvement. I know of several teens around this age where the family has broken down so much that they have had to live elsewhere for a while. Sometimes it's the only option, and you are being the best parent you can be by considering it.

I am concerned about you OP, and you need support. You mention you are pregnant. Is the father supportive and does he get on with your other children? have you told him you are considering an abortion? None of this is something you should have to go through on your own.

These people may be useful: www.nyas.net/helpline

You can at least talk through the situation with you. They will also be able to separately support your DD.

Good luck OP.

Liz if you saw what I saw this morning you'd have a different perspective but as I said and others have said you have nothing to offer on this thread so leave

Hi Pisssssed

I think trying to work out who's at fault or how this all happened is shutting the stable door after the horse has bolted a bit. You don't sound distraught, you don't even sound angry. You actually sound completely and utterly detatched and this is a huge worry to me. You need to summon enough strength and just one more ounce of shit to give to try and resolve this in a way that will protect your children - ALL of your children.

Once your kids are safe from harm you need to work on you and your daughters relationship. You say you really don't give a fuck anymore, but from the depths of depression/detachment how do you know. In a few years time when things have settled down - BAM! You realise you have lost your first born child. Don't give up on her. Don't tell her you don't love her. Tell her you will always love her (even if you don't feel that right now LIE) but you need to keep the other children safe.

Then you will need to explore how you got here - What YOU, and your partner and your daughter and her biological dad have done to get to this stage and work to get through it.

I don't think you sound evil, or that you are a bad person. But I do think that you need to STOP telling yourself that you don't love her.

I remember when I was 16 during an argument with my mum she said she hated me. At that particular moment she probably did. And I hated her too. At the time my mum was very depressed and I was going through an extended shitbag phase. But eventually she got better and I grew up.

I don't think it's abnormal to feel hatred towards a child when you're miserable and the child's behaviour is monumentally challenging. But there has to come a point when you take a deep breath and say: ok, I'll try again. I'll try something new. I'll try something different. Because I'm the adult and I have more experience of life and I have access to resources and I can shout until the GP makes a referral or whatever.

OP, of course you're pissed off. It can take ages to get appropriate help. I hope your conversation with the head of year will help, but I've been told that a CAHMS referral from the GP will usually be quicker than a referral from the school. Worth thinking about.

:( I haven't read the whole thread. I just find it too sad.

Your daughter is reaching out. For love. From you.

And you're rejecting her. Is it any wonder she behaves the way she does? What exactly have you done to support her?

She's not important to me tbh, I want her to just tuck off and never see her again that is the honest truth, my marriage broke down partly because her. I honestly don't know what to do with her

You don't know what to 'do with her'...sounds like you've never done anything at all for her :(

Get help now please. Professional help. This is not normal. For you or for her.

I've never told any of my children I don't love them, but yeah detached is spot on I feel like I'm watching all this from outside a window

All of the above to be honest is because of her behaviour she isn't the way she is because of me and my ex, her father can't really be blamed either, it's been that way since she was born she's never known any different

Children aren't born bad . Your attitude of blaming her and scapegoating her

Is not about being helpless. It's about not wanting to start a catalogue of events which potentially could be more harm than good and unfortunately that has been my previous experience

But you have now started that process by phoning the school. Why not continue it and keep some control over it by phoning SS?

It's about not wanting to start a catalogue of events which potentially could be more harm than good and unfortunately that has been my previous experience

I really don't see how it could do any more harm to any of the four children than they currently endure. Don't get your help from supportive MNers, this is too big for internet randoms to solve. You need Social Services, GP, the school and police help. Get RL support for your own problems and for all four of your children, plus the fifth you are adding to the mix very soon.

How can the situation get worse op? You don't want it to get worse, surely? I agree, the GP would also be a very good person to call, if you're not up to social services yet.

I'm sorry you're having such a tough time, OP.

'Perfect' behaviour at school and violence/lack of empathy at home do sound like red flags to investigate Aspergers or autism. It isn't normal behaviour. It might be something your doctor could help with. Social acceptance can be very important to autistic girls especially, it might be worth asking her what is going on at school as she might be feeling really distressed by something else and taking it out on her siblings.