13 year old DD constantly scruffy, won't dress appropriately

[bewilderedfish]

My 13 year old DD is a nightmare with clothes, always has been. She will dress purely for comfort and has no interest in looking nice. Her wardrobe consists of all grey and black tops, black leggings and pretty much nothing else.

I take her shopping most weekends but she will flounce through all the lovely, pretty clothes and go straight to the make up that she seems obsessed with. She will spend ages looking at this, choosing lipsticks, nail polishes etc yet will be wearing scruffy black leggings, often with a dubious stain on, shapeless t shirts and lace up plimsolls. If I pick up clothes she won't even look at them properly and if I can get her into the changing room she will discard every item as 'she doesn't like it' even if it looks lovely on her.

She's an adult size 12 and 5ft tall so can fit into most adult clothes and there's so many lovely summer bits out there at the moment but she won't have anything. Refuses to wear a dress, won't wear skinny jeans and a blouse, won't wear summer colours.

I've bought loads of nice things over the last few months but they've hung in the wardrobe unworn until they don't fit her any more, the amount of money ive wasted is ridiculous. She will choose to wear the same old scruffy tops and leggings day in day out.

She won't wear a proper bra despite starting her periods last month and having a b cup bust. She will only wear pull on crop tops. Tonight thing have come to a head as she's been invited to a party tomorrow in a restaurant with friends who now go to another school. I offered to take her shopping tonight as I know she'll be feeling embarrassed if she gets there and the others are dressed up but the trip has been a nightmare as everything I suggested was brushed off and what she did try on (under sufferance) was discarded for reasons on wrong colour, too plain, too bright, too cheap looking, on and on....

She's come home and is now stamping about and crying as she's got nothing to wear. I'm standing firm and am thinking tough, you've had loads of opportunity to have pretty much anything she liked.

Anyone else with a daughter like this? She'll trowel the make up on then go out looking like a bag lady, I've explained that however nicely you make up your face you'll still look dreadful in scruffy clothes. Give me strength I can't come with another 5 years of this!

Op I have 9 friends who are teachers, ONE dresses as you describe an that's nothing to do with the teaching she's always dressed in 50's glam style, was erm interesting in the 80's! The rest mainly wear jeans/leggings/joggers and tops.

I've also worked with teens and have a 15 yr old dd myself.

Are you even aware this is how a LOT of teens dress now?

My dd is actually very into clothes and fashion but...mainly wears jeans/leggings and tops from primark. And she CERTAINLY would not enjoy going clothes shopping most weekends with me! She has dresses for special occasions now but didn't at 13.

My budget is very tight but...my dds friends are a mix of kids in the same position as she's in financially AND kids from VERY well off families and THEY shop in primark too!

Going for meals is very much 'the thing' at the moment but they don't dress up, if your dd DID wear a naice dress that's MORE likely to make her odd one out than leggings and a top cos I'm willing to bet the other girls will be wearing very similar outfits to her.

Cleanliness is a separate issue but I suspect if you weren't going on about her appearance she'd step up on this score.

Loads of pp's have said you need to back off with the pushy negativity, boost her confidence and self esteem and have faith that you've raised a GOOD PERSON.

Your response has basically been 'you're all horrible I'm not like that' when our idea of your behaviour on this is from YOUR posts.

Be glad this is your worst worry (trust me 13 year olds can be into MUCH worse than wearing black leggings and tops!). Support her, praise her and let her choose her own clothes.

My teen who doesn't like anything tight or with clasps etc, wears Genie bras.

Missed the teacher thing. I'm a teacher and wear leggings and tunic tops every day. Teaching is very physical you need to be comfortable.

What's the teacher thing? The kid is 13!

She wants to be a teacher so apparently she should be dressing to suit the working world at aged 13.

I've been there, it all sounds so familiar.

I was exactly like your daughter. Luckily my mum let me get on with it, I wore whatever I liked, even to go out with friends. Mainly scruffy jeans and a t shirt most of the time. Or leggings and a baggy top.

I'm going out with my friends for a meal tomorrow. I'll be wearing jeans and a top. And my friends won't care - just like they didn't care all those years ago (they're old friends from school and I'm in my 40s now)

And when I was working as a TA I mainly wore leggings and tunics/dresses as they were so much easier for running around after small kids, getting up and down off the floor.

I think you need to ease up on the pressure. Also it sounds like she may have some sensory issues if she is so fussy about sock seams and buttons, so she may like the idea of denim shorts but actually find she can't stand them. I have certain materials that I can't wear because they feel just horrible. I can't even bear to touch them, makes me shudder.

Another one wondering about sensory issues. When I was 13 I wouldn't even wear jeans. They felt too stiff. Leggings hadn't been invented so I ended up in the same old skirt all the time as it was so soft, for a beach holiday, going to the corner shop, family occasions, everything. Sensory issues could explain the scruffiness, too. Maybe give her some money and send her off to choose her own toiletries.

I had your daughter's issues - sesory issues that included hating bras and tights and sandals and ... you get the idea. I was probably 5ft and a size 6-8 at your dd's age - I now realise I had a lovely figure but I hid, as a consequence of crippling self esteem. I got on ok day to day with my mum too. Whilst she was in hospital with weeks to live, she was still ticking me off with her 'you can't wear that to work!'.
You need to work out what's underneath this, for both of you. It's taken me a lot of adult therapy.

My DD isn't interested in clothes (or makeup or jewellery or even brushing her hair). I don't push it, though if she comes down in something really inappropriate ( too tight t-shirt as she hasn't noticed how much her boobs have grown, or 2 year old tracky bottoms that only stretch half way down her calves) I do persuade her to change. I don't take her shopping more often than once a month, she would rather spend time on other activities (reading, scouts, drama, etc). Some of her friends are much more into fashion than she is but she's just not interested. I expect she'll show more interest at some point (she's now 13 and in yr 8), but I'm not worried.

I was thinking about your DD today when I was in town.

I wondered OP if you dressed your DD to perfection when she was little - cute dresses - matching shoes, hair bows? Has she always been trusseled up unable to run and climb?

Maybe it's this she's rebelling against?

You appear ashamed and want to 'show her off' some how even to her friends -

Haven't RTFT (In fact haven't even read the OP since yesterday when I didn't have time to reply) but, your poor daughter - leave her alone!

She will find her own style, can't you let her go shopping on her own or look online and 'filll a basket' with things that she likes? Its a rite of passage to look a bit shit sometimes.

She probably thinks you're an old duffer and wants to do her own thing.

dd1 (aged 11) only wears boys clothes. jeans, trainers, boys T shirts and fleeces.
She will only wear what is comfortable and will not wear anything pretty or girly, and colour wise doesn't do most 'girls' colours. She will wear blue and green.

Recently we had to go to a funeral overseas in a very traditional church where she would be expected to wear a dress. I explained the situation, and asked what she would wear. She said she would buy a dress. I asked her what she thought she might find OK to wear, and she said - dark colours, no frills, no bows, no nothing basically. So we went to see what we could find. I told her try and tell me why you don't like something so I can look for the right thing. I was very low key, and gave her all the control, and said if we don't find something, well, tough. ( we only had one time to go shopping)

She was massively uncomfortable in the girls section of the shop, surrounded by everything she hates. We looked and I suggested things and she said no. Loads of nice stuff that would have looked nice on, but she wasn't interested. In the end we found a plain black cotton jersey dress, which was simply and straight. That was OK and she was happy to wear it. It looked OK (and it was a dress, so it qualified for the church funeral) There were so many outfits she would have looked nice in, but she just wasn't interested.

Your dd doesn't want your version of nice or smart or pretty or decent or appropriate. She wants to choose for herself.
So many people have said back off, and you are just puzzled by it. Please reassess your approach to her. tell her how lovely she is, and how much you enjoy her being her, different to you.

OP if you are still reading this, please let your dd develop her own style. She's 13, and has the body of a young woman. She is probably also painfully self-conscious (as many teenagers are). You said that you wanted her to naturally seek out somewhat nicer items of clothing - well, does this mean that you want her to look the way you want her to look, and dress in what you want her to wear? You can't force her to have the same taste in clothes as you.

There aren't actually many teenagers who do that - if my dd is anything to go by, anything I like is usually met with scornful dismissal. She has her own style, her clothes suit her and she is happy. I don't interfere.

My 13 yr old dd also lives in leggings and jeans(top shop stage and one pair of jeans has no buttons).She is clean,washes her hair too much and is mainly wearing black or grey and occasionally blue.For special occasions she will do her hair a bit differently,add a necklace or scarf.She is developing her own style and I leave her too it.She decided black is not so good when it's hot so has added a white teeshirt to her wardrobe.She looks good.
I think her tastes may broaden but for now I let her get on with it and simply embarrass her by wearing bright colours.Such fun.

Hi I can sort of understand. My 15 yo DS is going through a bit of an experimental phase with clothes at the minute and he wears odd combinations / colours together. In some ways I would rather he had an outrageous goth thing going on because at least it would look like a proper style.

Shoot me down in flames but I do occasionally worry that people might think we are too poor or just don't care enough to buy him decent clothes. I would never ever say anything to him though, he is a good kid and is learning to be an individual. All part of growing up.

Still ... there are times when I would love him to wear normal jeans and a t shirt/hoodie like a lot of his mates.

My daughter is similar and has ADHD. The sensory things you've described are worth having her checked out. Often girls don't have the "H" and go undiagnosed.

My 13yo daughter is exactly the same, I leave her to it with the scruffiness 99% of the time but I do insist on clothes being clean and not smelly so that's our constant battle. If we're going somewhere nice then I make her dress properly - I took her to dinner and the theatre the other day and she wore one of my dresses and was delighted with herself, took a million selfies. Back to the shapeless tshirts the next day. I feel like she really stands out amongst her friends who all dress totally differently but I also love that she's not bothered about how she looks - she's kind, funny, clever, a good friend, she doesnt get into trouble and is generally happy and well adjusted. I can't complain really. But I do put my foot down when I need to.

2016 THREAD

My DD dressed in a lot of oversize heavy things at that age. I think lots of girls do as they feel self-conscious about their bodies. Just back off and let her do her own thing. She may become more interested in clothes, she may not- her decision- but pushing “nice” clothes on her won’t help. She sounds great as she is.

DD prefers buying online and sending back what she doesn’t like. This might be an option for your daughter as it can feel quite pressured in the shop and fitting room. If she needs clothes, maybe mention to her that you’d be happy for her to choose things online and try them at home and she can send back anything she doesn’t like. Might take some of the heat out of it all.

But really the key is just to let her take the lead. She can wear what she wants. Teenage girls already worry enough about whether they’re wearing the “right” things- they don’t need their mothers doing it for them.

Aargh 😭

Please back off a bit. She doesn’t want “pretty clothes”, dresses or “summer colours”. I didn’t either and still don’t! My mother was constantly trying to get me to wear clothes I hated, especially girly dresses. It was miserable. It does sound like you’re trying to impose a style on her that you like and she really doesn’t.

She’s only 13, she hasn’t fully found her own style yet but what she’s doing - dressing for comfort - is fine. She sounds like a pretty normal teenager. If she goes to the party and feels the odd one out because she’s wearing her usual scruffs and nobody else is, that’s a lesson for her to learn. If she wears leggings on holiday and complains about being too hot, that’s another lesson for her, though it does sound like she’s ok with stretchy shorts or bike shorts.

It sounds like she’s very sensitive to clothes fastenings feeling uncomfortable on her skin. I am a bit like that, can’t wear clothes that have something that rubs or digs in. One of my relatives who is autistic feels this to an extreme, and can’t wear anything with a fastening that touches her skin. This rules out bras, anything with thick seams, buttons on the waist, zips at the back, anything like that. Your dd might find these kinds of clothes excessively uncomfortable.

Damn! 😩

My dd, same age is exactly the same. This year I've decided to let her get on with it. We live abroad. It's 49 degrees and she won't wear sandals? Not my problem! She wears the same stuff to school (no uniform here). To be fair, she's saving me a fortune but it would be nice to see her dressed up a bit sometimes!

40 not 49! Thank goodness!

ZOMBIE KLAXON! We're closing this now.