13 year old DD constantly scruffy, won't dress appropriately

[bewilderedfish]

My 13 year old DD is a nightmare with clothes, always has been. She will dress purely for comfort and has no interest in looking nice. Her wardrobe consists of all grey and black tops, black leggings and pretty much nothing else.

I take her shopping most weekends but she will flounce through all the lovely, pretty clothes and go straight to the make up that she seems obsessed with. She will spend ages looking at this, choosing lipsticks, nail polishes etc yet will be wearing scruffy black leggings, often with a dubious stain on, shapeless t shirts and lace up plimsolls. If I pick up clothes she won't even look at them properly and if I can get her into the changing room she will discard every item as 'she doesn't like it' even if it looks lovely on her.

She's an adult size 12 and 5ft tall so can fit into most adult clothes and there's so many lovely summer bits out there at the moment but she won't have anything. Refuses to wear a dress, won't wear skinny jeans and a blouse, won't wear summer colours.

I've bought loads of nice things over the last few months but they've hung in the wardrobe unworn until they don't fit her any more, the amount of money ive wasted is ridiculous. She will choose to wear the same old scruffy tops and leggings day in day out.

She won't wear a proper bra despite starting her periods last month and having a b cup bust. She will only wear pull on crop tops. Tonight thing have come to a head as she's been invited to a party tomorrow in a restaurant with friends who now go to another school. I offered to take her shopping tonight as I know she'll be feeling embarrassed if she gets there and the others are dressed up but the trip has been a nightmare as everything I suggested was brushed off and what she did try on (under sufferance) was discarded for reasons on wrong colour, too plain, too bright, too cheap looking, on and on....

She's come home and is now stamping about and crying as she's got nothing to wear. I'm standing firm and am thinking tough, you've had loads of opportunity to have pretty much anything she liked.

Anyone else with a daughter like this? She'll trowel the make up on then go out looking like a bag lady, I've explained that however nicely you make up your face you'll still look dreadful in scruffy clothes. Give me strength I can't come with another 5 years of this!

She is developing her own style.
Anything that isn't your style is her own. She doesn't want to do smart. It's not the end of the world.
If she gets a job in several years time with a rigid dress code she will have all her adult life to be smart.

I'd back off a bit OP

My 13 year old always sighs: life is not a fashion show

Set minimum standards - no dirty/unwashed clothes smell, no visible stains.

Everything else is up to her.

Seriously, listen to what people on this thread are telling you.

I wish my mum cared about me looking good. I was dressed in awful hand me downs and frocks at the age of 13/14. Id love my mum to have wanted to splash some cash on me.

My 14 yr old is exactly the same OP, but as she is a person and not a doll I don't try to dictate what she wears.

As long as she uses the proper school uniform on school days I am happy.

Anyway, isn't it preferable to having her arse hanging out of hot pants and a push up bra on show through a skimpy cami belly top?

doesn't sound babyish - more likely some degree of sensory processing problem.

I think you have to accept this is her style at the moment. Could you not take her to buy some new black leggings and explain that her old ones are looking a bit worn/tatty/stretched/you shrunk them whatever as at least new ones will look a bit smarter and neater. and a new t-shirt. if that is what she is comfortable wearing.

To me though it sounds a lack of self confidence.

Yep, she's got those 3/4 pants Chaucer, she's also got some pairs with writing down the leg. All fine. No problems at all wearing these with her t shirts on a day to day basis.

No daily abuse is going on regarding the wearing of these day in day out, DD and I get on really well. By the way some of you are whipping yourselves up into a frenzy you'd swear she was being constantly harangued. I'd just like her to have a few nicer 'go to' items of clothing for special occasions and I would like her to just have a this sense of pride in herself to naturally seek out somewhat nicer items of clothing if we are or if she is going somewhere a bit special.

But you are being abusive ot her OP.

You haven't said one positve thing about her.

It does come across as haranguing her, even on this thread.

I've explained that however nicely you make up your face you'll still look dreadful in scruffy clothes

But that's all about what YOU would like OP. She is not an extension of you. Perhaps she feels uncomfortable or awkward in the sort of clothes you try and get her to buy.

See, I think a sense of pride in oneself can be a bit overrated. My parents were all about pride in oneself. What that really meant was It's Very Important What Other People Think, And You Aren't Quite Up To Scratch. The word slob was used only once, but it cut me to the quick and I can still picture the whole scene out on our driveway. I was 13.

I genuinely think she's more likely to discover an interest in fashion if she's made to feel accepted and like it's fun and her choice, without rules she finds impossible to follow.

You sound like my mum.
When I was 15: 'Why bother doing your make up if you're just wearing those awful tracksuits'
'Why are you wearing a tracksuit in this lovely weather, look at stepsister in her lovely dress'
'Well, wouldn't you rather me say it than a stranger' etc etc
Now: wrinkling her nose up at my messy bun 'Why bother putting on make up, when you've got a birds nest on your head'
'Honestly Sow you look like you e been dragged through a hedge backwards'
My mums hair is straightened to within an inch of its life.
I just smile and nod now

I have zero tolerance on showering & dirty clothes. iPad/phone confiscated otherwise.
£30 a month for clothing - they decide I don't have any involvement. Even if I'm a bit I don't say so because I'm proud they have own style even if it's a bit nuts in dd case I just

Why are you tolerating a tantrum about nothing to wear. Just shrug & say here's £20 go buy something.

What you're doing now isn't working is it - try something else

Your DD sounds a pretty average 13 year old.
With some body issues. And not that interested in clothes.
Both her not bothering to shower and heavy use of make up suggest self-esteem issues. When I worked in schools girls wore heavy make up as a mask to protect themselves from the world. Similarly lots of teens let their hygiene slip as a first sign of depression.
My very stylish 17 year old would not wear a "nice dress" for a dinner out with friends. And if she is wearing a dress it might well be paired with her Doc Martins. She can also get dressed in 15 minutes flat.
Did she really want to go to this meal with these people? Does she know (really know) you love her, no matter how she dresses?
Do you speak to her how you write about her here?

58 here, wearing black jeans, long black top. Went into black at fourteen. I'd even managed to have some black before that, which was pretty unusual for a little girl in those days.

You're an animal, OP. That is, we are all part of the animal kingdom. Your instinct, now that your child is a woman, is to pair her off. To do that you think she has to look pretty and girly. You aren't to blame, its nature running up against socialisation. But it makes mums petulant and a pain in the bum. Sort yourself. Find out what she likes and do that. People look great in black.

I can imagine this is tough and awkward for both of you - it sounds like your dd is lacking confidence in her body and not wanting to draw attention to herself. Maybe start with suggesting things similar to what she already wears - black stretchy jeggings, a slouchy dark coloured longline t shirt and converse can look pretty cool. Maybe try a sports bra type thing? Or a t-shirt bra with soft moulded cups to 'hide' behind? Perhaps she could browse websites like New Look or H&M (alone, without you watching her) and see if anything takes her fancy - if she picks anything you don't like bite your tongue and just be encouraging. I wore some pretty dire stuff as a teenager (of the scruffy hippie variety) but have refined my style a lot as I've aged.

How is this all now making you feel op, reading what everyone is saying?
Be honest. We talking shit. Picking on you. Doesn't bother you?

Sorry this post has made me laugh.
Dd1 is 13yo and wears miss-matched baggy crap or size 14 stolen from me hated the shower and slaps on make like it's going out of fashion. I decided to take her shopping, total waste of time so I went on my own, bought everything I hated and she loves it all, so now she wears shorts black with skulls denim lace up sides, a dress with dead flowers, even a playsuit black and white white skulls but hey they look kinda cute on and fits her image, I've also bought some expensive shampoo filled with cheap shampoos and body wash and she's always showering now. Dd2 is the opposite and loves shopping 11yo but they are individuals and when I was a teen if my mum liked it I hated it, hell if she said the sky was blue is call red ! Just chill and find a compromise. And for gods sake don't say you like it
This too shall pass

Should have said I've banned her from using the expensive toiletries, hence they rapidly disappear and I do the fake " oh for gods sake who is using my stuff " works like a charm does not work on cleaning house

Really though, why couldn't she have globe and got a pair of shorts on her own? That trip to New Look has stressed me out just reading about it

You sound like my mother, and she still does this even though I'm nearly 40. I know that I like jeans and t-shirts, always have done. I hate skirts and dresses but will wear them if the occasion calls for it. The constant subtle criticism destroyed my self confidence, so I have made a conscious effort to make sure I don't do the same to my DC, especially DD. It might mean that she wears flower print with stripes and minion socks but I'm constantly amazed at how confident she is. I wish I had half of her confidence to just be herself.

My mum could've written your posts about me, OP, down to trailing round the shops week on week. Seriously, leave off. You're sending the message that she's not good enough as she is. Unless it's an actual wedding she's attending, she can go with her knickers on her head if she wants.

By the way, I also wasn't keen to wear a bra for ages after I needed one. I suddenly became self-conscious one day during PE and there you go, still wearing bras all these years later Likewise with turning up underdressed to things - one brief feeling of self-consciousness and she'll tune in to this.

I would like her to just have a this sense of pride in herself to naturally

But don't you see that needs to come from you?

And the message you are sending, loud and clear, is one of utter shame.

Whatever she chooses, tell her she looks fantastic, get her dad, grandparents, everyone to make sure that she knows they love her style and to shut their critical, harmful mouths if they can't.

She is at an incredibly fragile age.

You want her to look one way.

Carry on and she'll spend the rest of her life dressing (and possible acting) to please other people.

And they might not have her best interests at heart as you do.

I like how the OP has barely addressed anyway and replies very vaguely.

100s of people are telling you the way you're bringing your daughter up is damaging her.

Do something about it OP