13 year old DD constantly scruffy, won't dress appropriately

[bewilderedfish]

My 13 year old DD is a nightmare with clothes, always has been. She will dress purely for comfort and has no interest in looking nice. Her wardrobe consists of all grey and black tops, black leggings and pretty much nothing else.

I take her shopping most weekends but she will flounce through all the lovely, pretty clothes and go straight to the make up that she seems obsessed with. She will spend ages looking at this, choosing lipsticks, nail polishes etc yet will be wearing scruffy black leggings, often with a dubious stain on, shapeless t shirts and lace up plimsolls. If I pick up clothes she won't even look at them properly and if I can get her into the changing room she will discard every item as 'she doesn't like it' even if it looks lovely on her.

She's an adult size 12 and 5ft tall so can fit into most adult clothes and there's so many lovely summer bits out there at the moment but she won't have anything. Refuses to wear a dress, won't wear skinny jeans and a blouse, won't wear summer colours.

I've bought loads of nice things over the last few months but they've hung in the wardrobe unworn until they don't fit her any more, the amount of money ive wasted is ridiculous. She will choose to wear the same old scruffy tops and leggings day in day out.

She won't wear a proper bra despite starting her periods last month and having a b cup bust. She will only wear pull on crop tops. Tonight thing have come to a head as she's been invited to a party tomorrow in a restaurant with friends who now go to another school. I offered to take her shopping tonight as I know she'll be feeling embarrassed if she gets there and the others are dressed up but the trip has been a nightmare as everything I suggested was brushed off and what she did try on (under sufferance) was discarded for reasons on wrong colour, too plain, too bright, too cheap looking, on and on....

She's come home and is now stamping about and crying as she's got nothing to wear. I'm standing firm and am thinking tough, you've had loads of opportunity to have pretty much anything she liked.

Anyone else with a daughter like this? She'll trowel the make up on then go out looking like a bag lady, I've explained that however nicely you make up your face you'll still look dreadful in scruffy clothes. Give me strength I can't come with another 5 years of this!

Worst case scenario is that you are fucking her up with your negative comments about her appearance and you will knock her confidence for years when she is at her most gorgeous.

A slightly better hope is that this is a safe way for her to rebel against a mother who is clearly over obsessed with appearance. It is a natural part of growing up to rebel against your parents, it's part of separating your identity from theirs. And if she can rebel by wearing clothes you don't like then she won't need to find something more dangerous to rebel about. Hell I'm 45 and I was delighted and told all my friends when my Mum told me my trainers were a disgrace last year.

I sympathise up to a point because my dd (13) won't even run a brush through her wild head of hair. Her hair is very thick and wavy and it looks crazy but off she goes, smelling like a sheep, in those 3/4 length black running pants she lives in. They're an improvement on leggings though imo. She works hard at school though, so atm I'm not fighting too hard. She is scruffier and smellier than her friends though. She wears a bra, but she has been wearing the same bra for about a year. Never takes it off. Never washes it. She got v angry when I suggested she put it in the wash, it was one of a two pack as well, so i'm not sure what the objection is.

My mum is always on at me to get her to clean up. I say ''would you like to show me how''

She is exactly the same age as my DD2 who wears leggings and joggers and is happiest in her pyjamas (ie joggers and a baggy t- shirt).

I do not give a flying fandango about DD2's dress sense - she does like clothes in her own way and we chat about it, but I am not going to lever her into a frock and sandals. She'd look absurd. She's 13, not six.

Sounds like she's insecure about her body which is growing and changing at that age and probably doesn't feel comfortable in 'pretty summer clothes' - think bluntly here - is she the same shape as her friends? I was 5'6 and a 12 at that age and felt like such a frump next to all my 5'2 size 8 friends.

She's not wearing the shorts because of the amount of bloody hen pecking you did. She doing something that wasn't the black/dark leggings. And look at what you did.. Didn't stfu about them. She probably wants to wear them but she knows you will either ridicule how she looks, start about the unwanted shite taking up space or a combo of both

Oh I didn't realise you were standing behind me in the changing room of New Look.... imagination running riot much?

She asked for denim shorts, I was delighted to take her to get them as it would be a welcome change from the leggings. Due to having wasted hundreds of pounds in the past on unworn clothing i asked her to be absolutely sure they would be worn before I parted with the £22.

They are still laying in her drawer with the tags on, even after all this hot weather we have been having. Shes worn shorts but chosen the grey or black stretchy Jersey ones. Nothing wrong with those for day to day wear knocking about up the park with her friends but we've been out as a family for the day a few times over half term and no effort has been made to pick out some of the slightly nicer clothes that she owns if we've gone somewhere a bit special.

If expecting your kids to put some tidy clothes on when they are going somewhere a bit special like a day out, an evening on holiday or a meal / party with their friends is child abuse then the world has gone mad.

My dd lives in leggings and t-shirts.

I found the 'problem' was that she felt women's clothes were too adult/plain/fussy etc but the kids clothes didn't fit.

She shops here now but ocassionally finds things in NewLook.

Not all things on that link will be suitable for a 12yo but they have some nice t-shirts (not shapeless) and jumpers.

dd still lives in leggings, she likes them, but with the right jumper/t-shirt and boots they can look smart.

She absolutely will not rock up to the party to find all the other girls wearing dresses. I can't emphasise enough how unlikely that is to happen.
Let her find her own look; she'll be fine.

You have my sympathy Op because I've been here with this one. Thankfully, my Dd seems to have outgrown this stage. I found the only way to stop this clothes hoarding and constant complaining about having nothing to wear and never even wearing the clothes that she had chosen, was to buy on demand. MY Dd had a supply of leggings, tshirtsand then we just added to them when the need arose,

We've gone through many clothes stages (Hollister obsession, Top Shop, Harry Potter slogan items).Victoria Secrets Underware was requested at age 12, which I did not fall for.We've done the obsession with MAC makeup and Real Technique makeup brushes. The Wotsit fake tan look and donut left me traumatised.

Everything tends to be a stage and I've learnt to just bite my tongue.Over the years, you will develop this skill.

I think you have to consider why this is bothering you so much. She doesn't want to wear what you want her to wear... she's hurting no one. You seem to have a lot invested in this. I think the other poster who said you were worried about it reflecting badly on you had it right.

She is being her own person, asserting her own wishes and having a 'style' of her own.

I'd be telling her how proud I was of her being independent and not following the crowd, she sounds great

My teen wouldn't be seen dead in a dress

If I buy her clothes I always pick something I'd hate - because I know she'd love it -

She has leggings black tshirts converse and a denim jacket or checked shirt

Friends wear the same

Some at high school are girly "trendy" teens who she finds shallow and immature

I will say this - one girl in DD year is in a hospice - one friend has died in a car accident - I thank my lucky stars she's just a normal scruffy teen and not suffering like these children

Get a grip and leave her alone

So you didn't do this then? I imagined where you say you repeatedly asked her.

She has yet to wear them as I know deep down she doesn't like them as they have a button despite me asking her repeatedly in the shop whether she really wanted them and whether she would actually wear them.

During the teens the only thing I cared about was they felt confident enough to be themselves instead of little sheep that followed everyone else.

We went to an 'up-market' restaraunt last night.

It was my aunts birthday, she's some high powered MD of a massive company and dresses head to toe in Gucci etc. My uncle and his new gf were there.

Dd wore black leggings, DMs and a black sweatshirt with a 'Normal People Scare Me' wrote on it and green hair.

She looked fine. No-one said anything negative to her. A waitress complimented her hair. She was made up.

She's old enough to choose her own style and make her own decisions on clothes. Leave her to be herself and admire/praise her individuality.

I agree with pp - her friends likely respect and admire her strength of character and ability to find her own look. I think it's great. As long as she is cleane and hygienic I dont see the issue, other than the fact you want her to be like you.

But she's not 'developing a style of her own' - if she wanted to dress as a goth or a hippie then fine! She'd probably put some effort into her look then. She's just being downright lazy and taking the easy option in slobby clothing that's often not even clean.

99% of the time it isn't a huge deal. When we go somewhere out of the ordinary I expect her to make an effort and put some smart clothes on. The problem is she doesn't own much as she's got no interest in buying anything other than branded Primark t shirts like disney or Harry potter and black bloody leggings.

My dd is in the hollister obsession stage now! but she doesn't wear them well. She picks out the one thing that looks dreadful. Her friends wear hoodies and jeans but look smarter in them somehow. And their hair is less enormous! But I say nothing!

So, Top shop is the next phase is it!? :D

She's 13! Almost 100 people have told you they think you're going about this the wrong way.

I agree with others that you need with others that you nerd to let this go. I have been that 13 year old and its really horrible to feel rejection from your family due to your appearance. We found a way in the end for me to look acceptable on formal occasions, which was going down a more alternative route, so I would wear long hippy skirts and flat but smartish shoes etc. Could you ask her what styles she likes on other people with an aim of getting w couple of smart outfits in deserve and then not worrying the rest of the time? For what ots worth I still like plain dark colours and I hate high heels, I think they look awful, and I may be in a minority but it hasn't held me back in life!

I never did 'pretty' and still don't! My mum at the age of 67 still looks more well groomed and polished than I do at 35!
However she just let me get on with it and I did eventually discover 'smart professional' and 'elegant' as style options. Even now though I loathe clothes shopping, I only have maternity clothes because my sister dragged me out because having my jeans fly undone was embarrassing her and a great friend gave me a ton of hers she's not needing again! My default is boot cut jeans and a t-shirt although for work I wear smart shift dresses and heels. My sister on the other hand could style a bin liner! We had a stand up row about it at the ages of about 18 and 21 which resulted in me realising that some people do care more about looks than me and making more effort for some occasions - I don't know if it would have had the same effect had it been my mum. However, I still have no issue at turning up for dinner with friends in jeans and one of my smarter t-shirts and finding them in a range from glam dresses to skinny jeans and pretty tops - the restaurant has never barred me and the friends have never disowned me! I've also managed to get a degree, a PhD and a good job!
Just leave her be and she'll sort it out for herself.
Cleanliness is one issue and I'd focus your efforts there, forget any need to be pretty! Maybe she'll become an engineer and live her working life in boiler suits

The problem is she doesn't own much as she's got no interest in buying anything other than branded Primark t shirts like disney or Harry potter and black bloody leggings.

That does sound quite 'alternative', OP.

My dd has a micky mouse Primark t-shirt and an Adventure Time one, she teams them with her DMs, black leggings and green or blue hair.

would she wear these instead of leggings?

My dd allowed me to chuck out the leggings and we replaced them with these. I prefer these to leggings. She never does sport !

paired with a hollister t-shirt, and my 13 yo dd thinks she is good to go