13 year old DD constantly scruffy, won't dress appropriately

[bewilderedfish]

My 13 year old DD is a nightmare with clothes, always has been. She will dress purely for comfort and has no interest in looking nice. Her wardrobe consists of all grey and black tops, black leggings and pretty much nothing else.

I take her shopping most weekends but she will flounce through all the lovely, pretty clothes and go straight to the make up that she seems obsessed with. She will spend ages looking at this, choosing lipsticks, nail polishes etc yet will be wearing scruffy black leggings, often with a dubious stain on, shapeless t shirts and lace up plimsolls. If I pick up clothes she won't even look at them properly and if I can get her into the changing room she will discard every item as 'she doesn't like it' even if it looks lovely on her.

She's an adult size 12 and 5ft tall so can fit into most adult clothes and there's so many lovely summer bits out there at the moment but she won't have anything. Refuses to wear a dress, won't wear skinny jeans and a blouse, won't wear summer colours.

I've bought loads of nice things over the last few months but they've hung in the wardrobe unworn until they don't fit her any more, the amount of money ive wasted is ridiculous. She will choose to wear the same old scruffy tops and leggings day in day out.

She won't wear a proper bra despite starting her periods last month and having a b cup bust. She will only wear pull on crop tops. Tonight thing have come to a head as she's been invited to a party tomorrow in a restaurant with friends who now go to another school. I offered to take her shopping tonight as I know she'll be feeling embarrassed if she gets there and the others are dressed up but the trip has been a nightmare as everything I suggested was brushed off and what she did try on (under sufferance) was discarded for reasons on wrong colour, too plain, too bright, too cheap looking, on and on....

She's come home and is now stamping about and crying as she's got nothing to wear. I'm standing firm and am thinking tough, you've had loads of opportunity to have pretty much anything she liked.

Anyone else with a daughter like this? She'll trowel the make up on then go out looking like a bag lady, I've explained that however nicely you make up your face you'll still look dreadful in scruffy clothes. Give me strength I can't come with another 5 years of this!

anyone*

Ohhh this made me remember being 13 and that crippling insecurity and self-consciousness (which I am beginning to feel again now at 42 thanks to the effing menopause). OP I was like your daughter. In my case my mum was (is) always really stylish. She is about three inches shorter than me and slimmer. I always felt and still do like an ugly lump next to her. I wanted to wear the clothes she picked out really badly but I knew they wouldn't look right and I couldn't bear to let her down even more. So it was easier to wear shapeless stuff.
I am not blaming my lovely mum for this at all but when I was 14 I developed an eating disorder and it took me a long time to feel better about myself. I'd say I was 25ish by the time I felt really confident again and my issues are rearing their heads again now.

That's a v long-winded way of saying maybe there's more to this than her just being lazy. But I don't know what the answer is!

You need to concentrate on the keeping clean she has wardrobes full of clothes she has no interest in wearing if she wants to go out in leggings they have to be clean leggings she has to jump in the shower before x y z but you are going on about nice clothes and shopping no wonder the girl is not arsed there is far to much pressure on her

I might have missed a few posts but she said she'd wear blue jeggings and a white cold should top? That sounds fine, let her! With no more comments. The crop tops instead of bras make me think she's embarrassed a bit about her changing body - I was the same. My DM despaired of me as I wouldn't wear 'naice' dresses like her friends daughters did. I did buy a dress once at 14 for a family do, it was shortish and black with studs, she hated it, it was from C&A Ffs so hardly out there! I spent the journey down to the party being lectured about how I'd only attract long haired bikers and not a nice man in future. Good! It took me until I was 42 but I found one

Try not to comment on her outfits, I think that in future she might change certain aspects but will worry you'll go on and on about the outfits (in a good way!) so she doesn't.

And I can't remember wearing sandals, only boots, converse trainers or flats. Let her.

I don't think there is much reasoning with a 13 year old dd, as long as my dd is meeting basic hygiene rules, shower once a day and teeth brushed twice a day anything else isn't worth an argument even if she sometimes goes out dressed hideously with an orange face

I would be addressing your dds size issue though, my dd is 5ft5 and a ladies size 10 but she is very athletic, your dd doesn't sound happy in her own skin.

I love my children, and when they were in their early teens thought their exploration of their sense of self and their own style of thought, dress and music was something to treasure.

It's a shame the OP thinks her child is a doll to dress.

You sound like a nightmare OP.

Why are you going shopping every weekend with someone who isn't interested in clothes? How incredibly boring! Have you nothing more interesting to do? Get another hobby!

Why are you buying her things she doesn't want? Well, at least you're giving her a very definite pattern of expectation to rebel against.

You sound like my grandma, obsessed with the idea of buying me pretty dresses when I wanted tops and trousers, sportswear etc. in my teens. She once had a go at me for wearing slightly scruffy espadrilles. At least I only had to shop with her about once every two years. It was not a pleasant experience.

Teens are self-conscious and can have very limiting ideas of what they like and what suits them. They can feel utterly humiliated and de-humanised by being made to wear anything else, as they can't identify it as anything to do with their idea of self. They have to grow their confidence from deep inside. More adventurous clothing choices may follow - and you may not like them.

Back off, give her time, be there to offer advice when wanted - and give it in a complimentary way.

As an add on, when I was 14 my DM arranged for the woman across the road to cut my hair so I went. While she was cutting it she asked me if I was going to be a model. I thought she was taking the piss. It was the only time someone had mentioned that I might be attractive. It also sounds like your daughter is hiding herself.

I take her shopping most weekends

I hadn't noticed that. Jesus Christ: get a life. Read a book. FInd something else to do. My children buy their own clothes when they need them, and have done since they were that sort of age.

You just have to let them be IME. I have dd 23 who has loved clothes from the minute she could choose for herself what to wear completely unlike myself. She never ever wears jeans or leggings and has upwards of eighty dresses and wears a dress or two every day.
Then I have dd 13 who hates dresses and probably hasn't worn one since she was seven and wouldn't wear one now if I paid her. She likes leggings,jeans and jeggings,t shirts,checked shirts, slouchy sweaters, DMs. She doesn't look at all out of place with her peers tbh whereas dd1 always had her very own style from the start.
To be honest so long as the clothes are clean I don't care what they wear and they are clean because I gather any washing every day if they haven't put it in the basket.

Honestly if she is at a meal with similar aged girls not many none of them will be wearing pretty dresses. If she wears a pretty dress she will stand out. But for the wrong reasons.

A bit of Dr Seuss cod psychology for you. Those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind.

Finally you sound very sniffy about Primark, but actually it is a great place for young teens to experiment with different looks without spending a fortune. Let her go with her friends, the chances are she will find some nice stuff and some abominations, but she will begin to learn about what she likes and will develop her own sense of style.

Finally, I wanted to offer some reassurance. DD1 is now 18, she is blonde and petite, reasonably girly and artistic. She likes clothes and always has. But. She went through a phase of having a favourite outfit that she would wear almost constantly for 6-8weeks, and would then move onto the next one. I think when she found something she liked she stuck to it, and only as her confidence grew felt able to wear a wider range of looks. I imagine that your DD will find what works for her too in time, but it will probably be a journey she takes with her friends and peers and not you OP.

Too many finally's there

I can't think of anything more boring than being taken clothes shopping most weekends! Let the girl do something more interesting that she wants to do!

I get what you're saying about needing to dress for different occasions - it is an important life skill! It sounds like she is struggling to find her style. Could she use Pinterest to find styles she likes and help put outfits together?

God, the things we do to girls. Would anyone say of a 13yo boy that he was "struggling to find his style"? This is exactly what I find so sad - for years they're just (hopefully) happy little girls with friendships and schoolwork and playtime and birthdays and siblings etc, and then when they start to look like adults we abruptly change all the rules and start hinting to them that they're basically not good enough as they are any more. I really, truly find it depressing.

"I would like her to just have a this sense of pride in herself to naturally seek out somewhat nicer items of clothing if we are or if she is going somewhere a bit special"

You are really not prepared to contemplate that many people- male and female- base their sense of pride on something different than having "nice" items of clothing for special occasions?

My 19yo dd has a very good social life which she thoroughly enjoys. She gets most of her clothes from Primark, but has been known to wear her grandmother's cast-offs, or stuff from the charity shop. She looks great. What radiates from her is a confidence that is not based on looks or particular items but an inner sense of self worth. I like to think that dh and I have played a part in building that up.

I haven't asked her what she would do if she arrived at a social event and her friends looked down on her because her clothes were from Primark, but I imagine her reply would be "feel thankful that I know who not to party with in the future".

The thought that you, on your own admission, spend most weekends on something that makes her feel inferior and sad is rather depressing. If you do want to spend weekends on a joint activity, why don't you make it something she enjoys?

Make the most of it DD wore legging and plain tips from 11-14 day in day out wherever the occasion but now goes out in minimal clothing with everything on show I miss the leggings now. It never really bothered me only once when we had a family members wedding, spent hours searching but she refused even jeans and a top and went in leggings!

Arghhhhhhhhhh I feel stressed just reading your posts OP!

Back off.

Stop going shopping every weekend, give her money to buy her own clothes.

As long as she's showered and her clothes are clean it doesn't matter what she wears. It's normal to have to remind teens to shower.

Very, very few places these days have dress codes, certainly not that 13 year olds have to follow anyway!

Every where is casual so I can guarantee her mates won't be dolled up to the nines in party frocks

Her mates have invited her as they like HER not what she's wearing.

Tell her to bring down all the clothes that she didn't like- charity shop or eBay.

Honestly,if I did this to my ds he'd tell me to get a life

start to look like adults we abruptly change all the rules and start hinting to them that they're basically not good enough as they are any more. I really, truly find it depressing.

I think you'll find most if us diagreeing and not doing this to our teen daughters!

Maybe OP is worried DD won't find a suitor dressed like all the other millions of teens?

I'd hate for her to feel that the others were looking down on her

They won't be, but YOU are.

Agree with everyone else, leave her be.

Anyone else a fan of Arrested Development?

Lucille: What? I want her to be prepared in case some bully at school is as clever as I am.
Narrator: No bully ever would be.

OP reading your posts, I would say your Ds has some sensory processing issues (not wearing bras, no buttons, soft clothes only, no seams in socks).
If you could forget about trying to encourage her to look pretty and instead find her things like seamless socks, more comfortable bras (I find some sports bras are much more comfortable than the sort that teens would usually buy).
IME it's common to feel keen to buy something (referring to her denim shorts here) and really want to wear them, but they are simply too uncomfortable.

It's unfair to suggest that she's lazy about these things, particularly when you have posted clear evidence of sensory processing disorder.

Let her be who she is, but perhaps help her to feel more comfortable.

Why are you dragging her round the shops every weekend when she hates it? It sounds utterly miserable. I hated shopping at 13 and still hate it now. It hasn't damaged me. Thabk goodness my mum didn't drag me round the shops every weekend. Let her be her own person.

Also with the bra thing. Was I in an alternative dimension when research found
Lots of reasons why wired bras especially with developing boobs is not good. Maybe she read the same research?