13 year old DD constantly scruffy, won't dress appropriately

[bewilderedfish]

My 13 year old DD is a nightmare with clothes, always has been. She will dress purely for comfort and has no interest in looking nice. Her wardrobe consists of all grey and black tops, black leggings and pretty much nothing else.

I take her shopping most weekends but she will flounce through all the lovely, pretty clothes and go straight to the make up that she seems obsessed with. She will spend ages looking at this, choosing lipsticks, nail polishes etc yet will be wearing scruffy black leggings, often with a dubious stain on, shapeless t shirts and lace up plimsolls. If I pick up clothes she won't even look at them properly and if I can get her into the changing room she will discard every item as 'she doesn't like it' even if it looks lovely on her.

She's an adult size 12 and 5ft tall so can fit into most adult clothes and there's so many lovely summer bits out there at the moment but she won't have anything. Refuses to wear a dress, won't wear skinny jeans and a blouse, won't wear summer colours.

I've bought loads of nice things over the last few months but they've hung in the wardrobe unworn until they don't fit her any more, the amount of money ive wasted is ridiculous. She will choose to wear the same old scruffy tops and leggings day in day out.

She won't wear a proper bra despite starting her periods last month and having a b cup bust. She will only wear pull on crop tops. Tonight thing have come to a head as she's been invited to a party tomorrow in a restaurant with friends who now go to another school. I offered to take her shopping tonight as I know she'll be feeling embarrassed if she gets there and the others are dressed up but the trip has been a nightmare as everything I suggested was brushed off and what she did try on (under sufferance) was discarded for reasons on wrong colour, too plain, too bright, too cheap looking, on and on....

She's come home and is now stamping about and crying as she's got nothing to wear. I'm standing firm and am thinking tough, you've had loads of opportunity to have pretty much anything she liked.

Anyone else with a daughter like this? She'll trowel the make up on then go out looking like a bag lady, I've explained that however nicely you make up your face you'll still look dreadful in scruffy clothes. Give me strength I can't come with another 5 years of this!

It's about learning to trust her enough to let it go. She is probably unlikely to take style hints from her mother. Finding a personal style can be a really difficult task for some girls and involves lots of experimenting and many others just aren't interested at all.

As long as she is clean, brushing hair and teeth and showering then I would stop pushing to change her.
Has she looked online to try and find anything she likes?

I just don't want her to rock up tomorrow at this party to find a load of girls wearing dresses and her in leggings and a t shirt.

She is self conscious of her weight but I don't think there's any need for her to be really, she's properly proportioned and has the body of a young woman, not a child.

My dd is 13 and often goes out for food (Frankie and Benny's,Nandos and the like) with friends and not one of them wears a dress. They might dress a bit smarter than black leggings and baggy t shirt but definitely not dolled up to the nines.
You really do need to back off, I'd hazard a guess she's feeling self conscious,are all her friends smaller and less well developed? Dd didn't wear a bra until a few months after she could have done with one because her friends didn't and she didn't want to be the odd one out. She's still not all that interested in clothes tbh but has a few outfits that are in keeping with what her friends wear and for her that's enough.

It doesn't really matter whether you think she is in proportion of not, that won't change the way she feels. You are even going further and making negative comments about her appearance! No wonder she doesn't want to stand out. Why should she need to be into pretty clothes anyway?

Honestly I feel exactly the same. I cry at night over it (obviously DD doesn't know) but try to think, if that's how she wants to dress then that's it. That's how she feels comfortable and she's fine.

We also have the stomping 'I've nothing to wear', but try not to react and she sorts it out in the end.

It's incredibly frustrating, I know. I just live in hope that she'll change.

Why would that be so terrible if she did? Are her friends nice, do they like her? Is the restaurant nice with good food, is it going to turn her away if she's not wearing a dress? In short, is it really not possible for her to have a fabulous time just because she's not dressed (in your eyes) "correctly"?

I'm 25 and still living in leggings and t shirts so you might have a very long wait OP
My mum used to try and make me wear 'nice' clothes too, I can't describe the feeling of wearing clothes that make you feel uncomfortable but it is horrible, it actually made me feel really agitated if I was wearing stuff I didn't like or feel comfortable in.
Plus why shouldn't she dress to feel comfortable?

I just don't want her to rock up tomorrow at this party to find a load of girls wearing dresses and her in leggings and a t shirt

But this is you teaching her that what she looks like is disproportionately important.

She could order something online now and have it delivered tomorrow if she knows what she wants.

Are there people who are not you that could take her shopping or even just spend time with her whole she discovers what she does want to wear?

Please keep this in perspective!

Maybe if you stopped trying to force clothes on her all the time she would take her own interest. Stop taking her shopping and trying to force her into "nice" clothes, she is young and may be insecure and it is important she feels comfortable in her own way. My sister was the same, 28 now and finally trying heels/ "nice" clothes but it's taken her that long to feel confident in herself. My mum despairing did nothing to help the issue. Focus on the things she likes - makeup and ignore the rest.

I was exactly the same at her age and traipsed about in jeans, DM boots and black tops even all through the summer. Unless she is going to a wedding or something I would leave her be. 13 yr olds are self conscious enough without their mums going on about their appearance.
Agree with previous poster that if she is embarrassed at the restaurant she might learn a lesson about dressing appropriately for the occasion. Surely it doesn't matter what she wears most of the time though?

You really need to back off and let this go. She will find her own way with this - give her space and money and let her buy what she wants to wear. It sounds like she is rebelling against your ideal view of what 12 year old girls should wear - let her be unique.

At 13 she is old enough to know what she wants to wear, and trying to force her into 'pretty' things just because you like them isn't going to make the slightest difference to that.

If I were you I would make a compromise - you will stop nagging about how she dresses and stop trying to force her into the styles you like if she agrees to keep one or two outfits that she agrees to wear for formal or special occasions.

And for what it's worth - when not at work I dress like your daughter. And baggy teeshirts shorts and lace up plimsols is basically my default summer wear - nothing wrong with it.

I just live in hope that she'll change.

That's just ready sad

"She will dress purely for comfort and has no interest in looking nice"

Sensible girl. She sounds great.

Seriously you will ruin whatever confidence she does have, with your attitude. I really don't mean to be rude, but all this "nice and light and pretty" stuff is about what you like, not what she likes. Just let her be who she wants and wear what she wants. As long as mine are reasonably clean, comfortable and happy, I'm happy.

Teenage girls have so much ridiculous pressure put on them by society about their looks at an age when they're incredibly vulnerable, you as her mother and female role model should not be adding to it. I think you're actually behaving exactly the opposite way to how you should.

And by formal or special occassions I mean like weddings and stuff.

Let it go and let her learn her own way. If she's upset then sympathise but don't advise or offer solutions.

Agree that it sucks that dark clothes are warm if she moans about that, otherwise just ignore it and let her work solutions out for herself.

She's probably body-conscious so IF she ever asks you for help, don't be intense about it, acknowledge its hard to get to know your own body style, and suggest a special girly trip to somewhere like John Lewis where they have style advisers and bra fitters who can help with this stuff.

Meanwhile don't tell her what to do or what to wear, if you must say anything say it might be worth looking online for advice. Don't be passive aggressive about this - really and truly work on letting go.

And DO tell her that you love her no matter what and that she looks great. That's the stuff that gives kids confidence at parties not what they're wearing.

Also Sissy, seriously, please consider counselling if it's getting to you so much that you're crying yourself to sleep at night and hoping your daughter will change. That indicates big issues inside you, not her, and you could probably do with some help IRL.

My mum, up until she died last year, called me dowdy.... I like dark blank colours and jeans.
My dad used to take the Micky out of my leg so I hid them away until I was 38!
Let her be.... I bet she's self conscious and is hiding in the dowdy clothes.

My mum did this to me, I can still remember the hurt if being told I wasn't 'smart' enough, that my style embarrassed the family. That just sounds utterly ridiculous to me now! I had my own style if I could go back in time I'd tell her to back the fuck off!

Please stop telling your daughter how to dress and what to wear. My father did this to me and it still upsets me now 25 years later. I was told I was scruffy, unattractive etc...it was the era of grunge and Nirvana. I thought I was cool. But it sucked my confidence and and I had no self esteem when it came to my looks. At one point my father refused to walk next to me and told me I had to walk 2 metres behind him whenever we went out.
Tell her she looks beautiful in whatever she is wearing. Her confidence will grow and she will naturally start taking pride in her apoearance