13 year old DD constantly scruffy, won't dress appropriately

[bewilderedfish]

My 13 year old DD is a nightmare with clothes, always has been. She will dress purely for comfort and has no interest in looking nice. Her wardrobe consists of all grey and black tops, black leggings and pretty much nothing else.

I take her shopping most weekends but she will flounce through all the lovely, pretty clothes and go straight to the make up that she seems obsessed with. She will spend ages looking at this, choosing lipsticks, nail polishes etc yet will be wearing scruffy black leggings, often with a dubious stain on, shapeless t shirts and lace up plimsolls. If I pick up clothes she won't even look at them properly and if I can get her into the changing room she will discard every item as 'she doesn't like it' even if it looks lovely on her.

She's an adult size 12 and 5ft tall so can fit into most adult clothes and there's so many lovely summer bits out there at the moment but she won't have anything. Refuses to wear a dress, won't wear skinny jeans and a blouse, won't wear summer colours.

I've bought loads of nice things over the last few months but they've hung in the wardrobe unworn until they don't fit her any more, the amount of money ive wasted is ridiculous. She will choose to wear the same old scruffy tops and leggings day in day out.

She won't wear a proper bra despite starting her periods last month and having a b cup bust. She will only wear pull on crop tops. Tonight thing have come to a head as she's been invited to a party tomorrow in a restaurant with friends who now go to another school. I offered to take her shopping tonight as I know she'll be feeling embarrassed if she gets there and the others are dressed up but the trip has been a nightmare as everything I suggested was brushed off and what she did try on (under sufferance) was discarded for reasons on wrong colour, too plain, too bright, too cheap looking, on and on....

She's come home and is now stamping about and crying as she's got nothing to wear. I'm standing firm and am thinking tough, you've had loads of opportunity to have pretty much anything she liked.

Anyone else with a daughter like this? She'll trowel the make up on then go out looking like a bag lady, I've explained that however nicely you make up your face you'll still look dreadful in scruffy clothes. Give me strength I can't come with another 5 years of this!

Totally agree with MiffleTheIntrovert.

OP your DD sounds very sensible. I also have a DD13 and I'd never try and dictate what she should wear. She's at an age where she's developing her own identity and finding out what her style is. Don't try and force yours on her.

Dresses aren't part of my DDs wardrobe except for very special occasions when she has to dress up like the school ball. Trousers, leggings and tshirts with converse type trainers are all DD and her friends wear. I can't see what's wrong with that?

You sound an overbearing nightmare OP .

You sound obsessed by her appearance, which seems not a good thing to be with a young teenaged girl. And you seem to think that it's a bad thing that she isn't bothered? Why?

Oh, and 5' and size 12 is overweight unless she's very very sporty. I'm 5'2 and a size 12' I should be an 8.

Why does she have to wear pretty dresses though?
I see nothing nice about the garish colors
For summer.

She isn't a little mini me to dress how
You want. She wants to find
Her own style and at the moment she has.

Chances are tomorrow she will go an be surrounded by mates wearing jeans/leggings and vans/converse/whatever.

Be very, very careful. My parents' comments to me about my appearance, which were very similar to those in your posts (though I don't know if you articulate these thoughts to your DD), had a profound and negative effect on me and still do. They also had the exact opposite effect on my choices for my appearance than my parents intended.

Your daughter is her own person.

It isn't the end of the world is it OP. Your DD has very different values to yours. My DM is the same with me.
I don't give two hoots.
I'm not a judgy person; my DM is. I love people regardless of heir attire.

Hormones are a Bitch

You sound like my mother .

She was embarrassed by how I looked and went on and on about girls who dressed nicely.

You know what your DD likes to wear, so why not buy her a nicer version? You must be able to find a dark top she'd like that meets your approval.

You need to stop being controlling re clothes and support your daughter with her weight problem that you are in denial about.

I also think you may be at risk of MAKING her self-conscious at the meal when otherwise she might not have been.

Why not buy her really good quality leggings and T shirts. There are some fabulous T shirts in the shops. Leggings and Ts can look really good on teenagers. What about Converse trainers...or similar.
Sounds like she has her own style, if you let her explore this she will increase in confidence and feel happier in herself.

My DM is trying the same tactics on my DD. She is super slim, eats for England, doesn't snack. DM has " special " clothes for her visits.
BTW my DD loathes Fat Fuckers
clothes and wears then begrudgingly.

It is hard when your DD isn't interested in clothes and they are invited somewhere where everyone else will be dressed up a bit.

Will she wear her leggings and a shirt, even a black one, to the restaurant? If necessary she could wear one of her comfy t-shirts underneath and she could take the shirt off when there, if she feels she wants/needs to.

Shopping every weekend? Do neither of you have anything else ypu want to do?

Is she Clean and non -smelly? That's all that matters. Inch thick slap does look a joke but that's teens for you.

I would too echo the advice to back the hell off. You seen very similar to my mother (this seems to be the case with a good few posters - all of whom don't mean it as a good thing).

She made me dress 'lovely'; from a young age - I was a 'Tom-boy'. There was much fuss made of my sister's prettiness (she liked lovely) I can recall utterly utterly loathing myself - so much so I can recall looking into the mirror at the age of five thinking and knowing I was ugly.

I dress in baggy tops as a young teenager to hide my grotesque body - still wasn't good enough should have been wearing lovely dresses like my (I interpreted) much prettier friends.

I ended up controlling my life in the one an only way I could.

Start being positive about your daughter her mental health most likely depends on it.

99% of the time wearing black leggings and baggy t shirts isn't a big deal. The problem arises when she gets invited to a special event and she's not prepared to even think about what she might want to wear. If I'd said nothing this evening she would have come in from school and world war 3 would have erupted as she'd have been trying to put together an outfit from a wardrobe full of black leggings and baggy t shirts.

My annoyance is that she will not even consider buying something a bit special for parties and holidays, even nicer clothes for days out etc. clothes clearly hold no interest for her and that's ok most of the time. It's not ok when she needs something for a special occasion.

I don't keep on to her all the time despite what some of you have imagined. Neither will she turn out damaged or affected, I have explained to her that you need to have clothing for special occasions.

She needs to understand this. She won't be allowed to attend a job interview in leggings and a baggy shirt, if she chooses to be a teacher as she wants she will have to dress appropriately for her job. I believe it a life skill that she needs, to know how to dress appropriately for a situation.

Part of the problem is that she's quite babyish and won't wear clothing that 'bothers' her. Hence not wearing a proper bra, she won't wear trousers with a button, socks have to be on absolutely straight with no seam. She will sit around in pyjamas all day long if we let her. Part of it is laziness I'm sure.

My DD also dresses in scruffy (vintage according to her) black leggings, t shirts and hoodies, usually with skulls on and knee length lace up boots. She sources most of her clothes from ebay or the goth shop in town. I just let her get on with it. As long as they have been washed and she puts something relatively decent (if still black) on for church, it is her decision. She looks smart for school and smart for cadets so what she wears is up to her. I tell her she looks fab ,which she does, and she should cultivate her own style.

Leave her alone.
I feel stressed out reading what you wrote about your daughter, it must be so much worse for her to live with it.

There's nothing wrong with leggings and T shirts. Nothing terrible will happen if she wears leggings and T shirts and trainers for the rest of her life!
If she goes out tomorrow and someone judges her at the meal, you should tell her "Fuck their judgement, be your amazing self" not "Yes there's no wonder, you really aren't up to par in that outfit darling".

I feel sorry for your daughter if you tell her she looks dreadful in the clothes she likes to wear.

Pick your battles, and let her be. If she likes makeup that is completely fine and if she likes to dress down that's also fine.

She's 13 ffs

Leave her be. My dad spent years trying to get me to wear what he thought was nice. I didn't want to, and I Still have a stress reaction when he comments on my clothes,even if he is complimentary.

She's only 13 you don't need to teach her about how to dress for an interview

How many 'occasions' does she actually go to? You make it sound like she has a ball to attend every weekend! She was only going out with friends - HER friends who clearly value her company despite her penchant for leggings and grubby t-shirts.

I'd draw the line at leggings and t shirt for a wedding for a 13 yo, but any other occasion i can't see any reasons why she couldn't wear what she wanted.

Cant you leave her be to let her learn herself?

Read the full thread and I'm even more annoyed at your post. It was stressful to read I can't imagine what it must be like to live with it.

My mum always let me be and let me wear what I want and I'll always thank her for it although I won't thank her for bringing me up to be fat phobic

My rubbish advice - stop trying to control your poor teenage daughter and let her wear whatever the fuck she wants and stop destroying her bloody confidence before she's even had a chance to grow

My not so rubbish advice - buy pretty things and nice outfits in a size 12 when you are on your own, take them home and store them in your own closet so when the time comes and she is in a panic you can politely leave a bag full of "pretty" clothes on her bed to have a rummage around in.

She won't wear clothes that bother her?
Sensory issues?
Needs clothes for special events? She's 13. Hardly likely to need to dress for the Oscars.
Needs to dress for work? If she wants to bs a teacher then she will. In about 10 years. She has 10 years to find and develop her OWN sense of style.
Stop harping on about her clothes and knocking your daughter. Poor kid.