13 year old DD constantly scruffy, won't dress appropriately

[bewilderedfish]

My 13 year old DD is a nightmare with clothes, always has been. She will dress purely for comfort and has no interest in looking nice. Her wardrobe consists of all grey and black tops, black leggings and pretty much nothing else.

I take her shopping most weekends but she will flounce through all the lovely, pretty clothes and go straight to the make up that she seems obsessed with. She will spend ages looking at this, choosing lipsticks, nail polishes etc yet will be wearing scruffy black leggings, often with a dubious stain on, shapeless t shirts and lace up plimsolls. If I pick up clothes she won't even look at them properly and if I can get her into the changing room she will discard every item as 'she doesn't like it' even if it looks lovely on her.

She's an adult size 12 and 5ft tall so can fit into most adult clothes and there's so many lovely summer bits out there at the moment but she won't have anything. Refuses to wear a dress, won't wear skinny jeans and a blouse, won't wear summer colours.

I've bought loads of nice things over the last few months but they've hung in the wardrobe unworn until they don't fit her any more, the amount of money ive wasted is ridiculous. She will choose to wear the same old scruffy tops and leggings day in day out.

She won't wear a proper bra despite starting her periods last month and having a b cup bust. She will only wear pull on crop tops. Tonight thing have come to a head as she's been invited to a party tomorrow in a restaurant with friends who now go to another school. I offered to take her shopping tonight as I know she'll be feeling embarrassed if she gets there and the others are dressed up but the trip has been a nightmare as everything I suggested was brushed off and what she did try on (under sufferance) was discarded for reasons on wrong colour, too plain, too bright, too cheap looking, on and on....

She's come home and is now stamping about and crying as she's got nothing to wear. I'm standing firm and am thinking tough, you've had loads of opportunity to have pretty much anything she liked.

Anyone else with a daughter like this? She'll trowel the make up on then go out looking like a bag lady, I've explained that however nicely you make up your face you'll still look dreadful in scruffy clothes. Give me strength I can't come with another 5 years of this!

She doesn't want pretty!

I would agree if all the girls were her friends. She's been invited to a meal in an upmarket restaurant by one friend who goes to a different school so there's going to be a lot of girls going that she doesn't know.
I'd hate for her to go and be the odd one out, I'd hate for her to feel that the others were looking down on her.

If I was a mum who never bought her daughter nice clothes or took her shopping then that wouldn't be right and everyone would be up in arms over that. You can't win.

Shopping every weekend for clothes is excessive. Sorry but it is. Going out and buying stuff because, is excessive. You are in denial about how this will be affecting her. The constant negativity from you about how she looks. She's a chubby (compared to a lot of her peers) girl with huge boobs and is body conscious. And she has this pita constantly going on about this, that and the other.

She has years ahead of her to conform. But at the moment she is, well should be, free to dress in the legging and t-shirts if she wishes. Even as a teacher, she won't necessarily have to dress in pretty dresses and horrid summer clothes. Not all schools require their staff to dress up. I know many teachers who wear leggings and jeans. Yes really.

You are seeing it from your eyes, not hers. Unless her friends also have control freaks as parents, they won't be wearing dresses.

She is wearing what she feels comfortable in. Buttons with trousers emphasis this, there are a lot of trousers that are uncomfortable if they have a button and you are sitting all day. Same with socks with seams, I cannot wear them either, suppose that also makes me scruffy or babyish. But then I am an older version of your dd. My wardrobe contains only dark colours (easier on the washing as well lol). None of this summer rubbish currently in shops. Don't own a dress or a skirt. Somehow I manage to go out to restaurants, and even hold down a job in a school.

Part of it isn't laziness. It's having a mum who won't shut up. She is 13. Her first interview as a teacher will be what 22/23? That's a long time away. Let her enjoy her childhood and dress how she wants. For her it is appropriate. She's had years of having to shut up and wear the clothes you have said. She has years of wearing nasty school uniforms. Give her a break and in her free time, just let her be.

This is all about you OP. Leave the poor girl alone.

I understand how you feel bewilderedfish. I also hear what everyone is saying too. I'm trying to take the advice on board. Largely I do let her get on with it, she can wear what she likes.

However, I do get upset about it. I'm only human. She won't dress up for anything. She won't go in the shower without a fight. She'll wear her clothes until they fall off unless I tell her to change. I don't want my daughter to change as a person. She's kind, funny and very loving. I just wish she would start to care more about her appearance. That's what I want to change.

I get you OP.

I'd hate for her to feel that the others were looking down on her

But that's what you're doing - isn't it? Everyday.

I think you need to leave her alone she doesnt need to wear nice pretty clothes and you buying her as what you consider nice clothes is telling her shes not good enough btw I know thats not your intention, ime some girls like to hide in the hoody they are developing are body concious (sp)and are just getting used to boobs and hips please leave her to come out from under the hoddy when she is ready buy her clothes she likes to wear even if you hate it say i saw this t shirt today and thought you would like it I will say it again leave her be she isnt a pretty little thing for you to dress up.

I'd hate for her to go and be the odd one out, I'd hate for her to feel that the others were looking down on her.

OP you keep on and on highlighting her odd-one-outness to her, you look down on her and she knows this, you're her mum you ought to be on her side. Like a PP said, buy her one or two bits in her size, leave them out on the bed and say no more. No more fruitless shopping trips, no more nagging.

Why would they look down on her? YOU clearly would look down on someone if they weren't dressed to the nines, but the others probably won't.

I am going to be harsh because I think the situation warrants it.

No one will look down on her. You're projecting.

If someone does look down on her...who gives a shit? They're not worth a moment of her time.

Your job is to raise a confident, happy child who is happy in her own skin and knows that she is good enough. You don't seem to think she is, and with this attitude your predictions that she won't be socially successful could become a self-fulfilling prophecy if YOU, the most important female role model in her life, do not support her and build her up.

Not all daughters are into shopping and clothes this weird notion that girls should love clothes always baffled me let her develop her own way you are acting like she is embarressing you by not being a proper girl

Yes, I have the shower battles too. She needs reminding daily, she puts make up on before she even washes her face some days. She will also wear clothes that aren't clean, often it's because it's a comfy item that she likes. She has about 4 t shirts and 4 leggings that are worn on rotation that are getting increasingly scruffy despite her wardrobe bulging with clothes.

A few weeks ago she asked for a pair of denim shorts. We went to new look and she had a pair that were £22, more than I'd spend on a pair for myself! She has yet to wear them as I know deep down she doesn't like them as they have a button despite me asking her repeatedly in the shop whether she really wanted them and whether she would actually wear them. They'll be wasted I know. Rather than put them on she'll reach for her black leggings, even in this hot weather.

Hopefully the friends she going to dinner with aren't as vain and shallow as you. If they are the kind of people to 'look down on' someone for not wearing a frock to a restaurant then your problem is the people she is mixing with not her dress sense!

Poor girl, you're preparing her for a lifetime of self esteem issues. I bet she's bored silly being dragged round the shops every weekend.

Earthboundmisfit you are spot on

what some of you have imagined. Neither will she turn out damaged or affected, I have explained to her that you need to have clothing for special occasions.

Keep telling yourself that. From what you've posted it seems unlikely to be true; but if it's easier to pretend all the poster's mothers mentioned above did it everyday, unlike you who only does it for 'special occasions'.

She'll only feel that people are looking down on her appearance if she's been taught that. You think appearance is important. That doesn't make you right. You are in effect saying that if she's sneered at or picked on for her clothing choices that's her fault. It isn't.

And what the heck does work wear have to do with a 13 yo? FWIW DD's excellent teacher sometimes wears jogging bottoms. She's a phase leader as well.

If she likes leggings and black/grey then help her choose a 'going out'outfit based around that, if she wants one.

For all you know the other girls may well think she's the cool confident one not being a slave to fashion.

So I wonder how were things for you when you were 13 OP? Loads of clothes? Lots of social opportunities, always the belle of the ball? Leave her alone, you are presuming she isn't good enough which is terrible. Lighten up. Make sure she wears something clean but more importantly is excited about going out and having fun with her mate and some potential new friends. If they're nicely brought up they won't judge her on her clothes. If they do they're not worth knowing anyway. And leave off dragging her round the shops. Leave the Next catalogue in her room and let her make her own choices.

The not showering is annoying and the putting on of make up over a minging dirty face is minging 1 of mine used to do that drove me up the wall give her a year and she wont be out of the shower keep nagginv the self care point but its often linked to low confidence

Sounds very familiar, I really empathise OP. We have loads of wasted clothes that she said she would wear and never does! I can't afford it, so I've stopped buying them. We don't go shopping any more, she hates it - we haven't been in ages.

What I do now is but her clothes that I think she'll like. Nothing with buttons, nothing tight, frilly or fancy in anyway. She tries them on when she's ready. I stand outside the room and she'll show me the ones she wants to keep. If she decides to keep it, I still keep the tags on until she actually wears it of her own free will. Mostly she doesn't, then I just return it. Then the whole thing starts again.

I do tell her she looks beautiful regardless what she is wearing, but more so when she has had a wash and washed her hair. Just to try and encourage her to be clean.

Hope this helps.

Ok, op, in some ways I think you've been given a hard time here. I DO think that this is your issue more than your DDs, but I do get where you're coming from.

My mum wanted me to wear nicer clothes to nicer events, and I would be all indie kid with dms, hippy dresses that smelled funny, tie dye and weird hair! And I remember fighting about it!

So as a mum I get it! But.... Honestly lay off, the only thing I would push is correct underwear, perhaps leave a selection of bras/crop tops in her room without comment and let her choose to wear them?

If the dinner out makes her feel bad then it's a bit of a natural consequence and she might rethink her attire at a later stage.

You hinted at her clothing and her body and she may be covering up/hiding. All totally normal, but would she be interested in doing a couple of gym sessions with you or classes. So nothing about food, nothing about body image but more about getting strong and fit?

I don't think she's 'lazy' or 'uninterested in clothes', to me she's screaming loud and clear that she's feeling self conscious in her body so she's hiding it with baggy clothes and make up. I can totally empathise, I was a skinny little thing but suddenly sprouted massive boobs at 12 and, being the eldest daughter, my mum was very excited that I was growing up but I hated it and retaliated by dressing 'babyishly' ( dungarees were my favourite for a while and had the bonus of covering said massive boobs). She probably feels similar, having just started her periods and (please don't think I'm being mean because I'm not trying to be) a size 12 at 13 is a bit on the large size.

I'm not sure what to advise, except stop trying to force things upon her. Would she wear a maxi dress? I know a girl with similar sensory issues (although she's autistic) and she lives in maxi dresses and is starting to look super stylish!

She won't wear a proper bra despite starting her periods last month and having a b cup bust.
What on earth is that all about? Wearing a bra has bugger all to do with periods, and with a B cup she doesn't need any sort of bra. She'll wear one if and when she ever feels more comfortable with one, until then she'll come to no harm al all without.
Stop pushing your own personal ideas onto her.

I like the sound of her style. Sounds comfy.

Dd had a thing about zips and buttons on shorts and trousers. It's only at 15yo that she's started to be less bothered by them. Prior to this it was all leggings and jeggings.

She hasn't got a bulging wardrobe though.
She has got clutter taking up space that she isn't interested in.

She's not wearing the shorts because of the amount of bloody hen pecking you did. She doing something that wasn't the black/dark leggings. And look at what you did.. Didn't stfu about them. She probably wants to wear them but she knows you will either ridicule how she looks, start about the unwanted shite taking up space or a combo of both.