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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

Do you allow your teens to take their boyfriend/girlfriend to their bedroom?

196 replies

Ticktacktock · 18/03/2016 21:36

Dd is 16, and still a virgin, but has recently got a boyfriend she would like to start a relationship with. I have been very supportive, and sorted her out with the contraceptive pill. It's all good, and her bf is just lovely.

However, she just can't understand why she won't be allowed to take him to her room. She says, so where do you want me to do it, under a bush? Wouldn't you rather know I'm in a safe environment?

I'm very uncomfortable about this, but am I being an old fart??

OP posts:

Iamastonished · 29/01/2017 16:43

I am finding this thread fascinating. Things have moved on for DD. She is 16.5 and still with the same boyfriend 15 months later. I'm pretty sure that they have DTD, but I know that they have been sensible. I know that they love each other and neither of them messes each other about.

I take the view that it is far better to be in a long term relationship at say 16 than have a quick hook up with someone random you don't know anything about at say 18.

Iamastonished · 29/01/2017 16:43

Oh, and I think it is really weird to talk about your children's sex lives with their partners' parents.

misshelena · 29/01/2017 20:48

"Why are you not teaching your daughter some self respect, and why not teach abstinence until she is ready to get married. It is worth waiting for the right person."

And how does one know WHO is the "right person"? I am in my late 40's and am witnessing many friends going through divorce. They all got married in their early 30's. Clearly they did not marry the "right person". Also clearly, at early 30's, one is not ready to decide who is or isn't the "right person". So, what's your real advice here? To wait until late 40's to have sex? But how about the people who get divorced in their 50's? Ridiculous!

Also, what does "self respect" have anything to do with having sex with one's bf?? Does that comment apply to men also, or just women??

misshelena · 29/01/2017 21:01

"Good lord. If my teens partners parent phoned me to discuss our kids sex lives I think I would slam the phone down on them. What a weirdo."

Really? Let me give you a real life example of when this makes sense. My DD16 has been dating her bf for about a year. They spend most of their time at bf's mansion. A few weeks into dating, Bf's mom called, concerned about her inadequate supervision of the couple, especially given the size of her house and the nooks and crannies scattered all over. Wanted to know what I think is appropriate sex-wise for 16yos. Our conversation put her concerns to rest and we also agreed to focus our "sex talks" with our dcs on one thing -- condoms.

Sparklingbrook · 29/01/2017 21:41

Not a chance i would be having any such conversations.

Curious as to why this thread was bumped though.

Aroundtheworldandback · 29/01/2017 22:12

Going off the subject but another one here who's befriended ds 16's girlfriend's mum (not about sex!) Best thing I ever did as we now have shared rules so easier to enforce, and I too have found out stuff about ds I had no idea of.

He absolutely hates my new friendship

henrypage · 29/01/2017 22:28

But that is exactly the conversation you should be having with your children at this age

Sparklingbrook · 29/01/2017 22:55

Don't mind talking to the Dc about it but have never spoken to their girlfriend's parents about it nor will I be.

How did you come across this thread henrypage?

henrypage · 29/01/2017 23:25

Found through Google because of my own paternal concerns. People should be talking to their children and the BFs/GFs of their children with support from the linking parents. Don't be afraid to talk to the parents on the 'other side' it ought to be normal!

henrypage · 29/01/2017 23:27

So if he "He absolutely hates my new friendship" it was a measure of success?

Silverdream · 29/01/2017 23:37

If it's going to happen isn't it better that it does in a safe, comfortable and respectable environment.
Why are we so hung up about it happening in our homes. If they are in a serious loving relationship then there is nothing wrong with sex. If we teach them about loving caring relationships and teach them to be respectful then we are doing a good job.
Saying it can't happen in this house is saying sex is a bad thing in a loving relationship. Not a great message to convey.
One night stands definitely not but you're showing them respect for a good relationship

esk1mo · 29/01/2017 23:53

i find this really odd no way did my mum ever know when i was about to lose my virginity. i met my first boyfriend at 15, had sex at 16 and were together until aged 20. we sorted our own protection, & booked a cheap b&b. i was allowed to stay over at his house, & even in his room at his grandparents. mostly we just hung out and watched movies, it wasnt a sexfest!

Of course sexual education is important but there is a limit to a parents involvement IMO. i have a friend who lost her virginity aged 20 at uni and phoned her mum to tell her, we all thought it was very weird

Id rather my DC asked if their friend of GF/BF could come and hang out/watch a movie/get a takeaway than say "mum i want to have sex can we do it upstairs?"

i went to a catholic school and even the very limited sex education was enough for me to know how to get contraception & avoid STIs and pregnancy.

Sparklingbrook · 30/01/2017 06:54

It is really odd. I have a 15 year old and a 17 year old and know many parents with the same age DC. There is no way we would get that involved.

Iamastonished · 30/01/2017 08:11

I barely know DD's boyfriend's parents. We have sometimes bumped into each other at parents evening, Once at their house when I helped DD deliver his birthday cake and once on results day. They don't live near us either.

We don't even have each others phone numbers. It isn't primary school. I don't think my parents ever met any of my boyfriends parents.

vdbfamily · 01/02/2017 10:37

I think there are 2 extremes here to be worried about. If you are of the opinion that all teenagers are having sex and so march your teenagers off to the GP to get contraception prescribed etc, it can make your children feel under extra pressure. They EXPECT their parents to advise against sex until in a long term committed relationship. If as a parent you appear to condone it, even if not your intention, it could leave an unsure teenager thinking 'oh my goodness. even my mum thinks I should be doing it. I think this is why there are some accusations of mixed messages from parents who tell their kids they think they should wait, and say not in our house, but provide contraception. I personally think the message would be clear to any teenager....my parents don't think I am ready for this but want me to be safe should I choose to ignore them. I don't know why people have a problem with this.
The other extreme is to make out that sex is dirty/naughty etc and that something bad will happen to you should you ever indulge. This extreme tends to come from religious communities and can lead to major hang ups about sex. I gre up being taught that sex was for within a committed relationship and have only ever had one partner...my husband of 15 years. I would love that outcome for my kids but know they will make their own choices. FWIW I do think we need to be VERY VERY clear with our teenagers that babies are the natural outcome of sex and all contraception can fail and in my opinion (and it is one regularly expressed on MN when discussing men who will not financially support their offspring) NO-ONE should be having sex if they are not prepared for the result of that being a baby that they have to support for the following 18 years!!

liveoutloud · 24/02/2017 22:39

I find it really amusing to read some of the posts as it is so clear we are all very different. I was just wondering the same thing when I ran into this post. I have son, 18 years old and he does not have a girlfriend yet, but I am thinking pretty soon. His friend, however, does and the girl constantly sleeps over in his house. I feel very uncomfortable with that Idea, totally. To have my child in my house and know (and possibly hear) him or her (I also have two girls but younger) have sex. Yah, very uncomfortable. I totally understand some of you that say, “Where else can they do it”, but I think it is not really part of my job. If they want to have sex, they should find the place. BTW I lost my virginity when I was 20.

LittleMissNaughty1 · 13/02/2019 19:15

my son and his girlfriend both 17 and want to start having sex but girlfriends wont allow her to go on the pill so she wont. Thoughts please? I think this is irresponsible and I am concerned.

bonbonours · 14/02/2019 23:43

My daughter is only 12 but I already know I would much rather have her having protected sex at home where I know she is safe than elsewhere (and don't kid yourself teens will refrain from having sex because you tell them not to). Apart from the ickiness of having sex in a park etc, what about the chances of her changing her mind and the boy not taking no for an answer? Much easier for her to escape/get help if she's at home.

I know thus because when I was 16 my mum knew I was on the pill and allowed me to have my boyfriend in my room. His parents on the other hand had no idea because he knew they would attempt to ban the relationship. My parents actually knew his but certainly never discussed our sex life with them, especially as they knew how different their attitude would have been.

Even at the age if 12 I have little to do with my daughter's friend's parents unless there is a practical arrangement to be made. I cannot imagine a circumstance where I would ring up her boyfriend's parents to discuss sex....

bonbonours · 14/02/2019 23:47

Also agree that we should be teaching teens that safe sex within a committed relationship is fine and normal, not making it into something disgusting/wrong /to be kept secret. If you do this you are just asking for your kids to keep secrets from you. I'd much rather my kids talk to me about it than keep it secret.

Kirstie92 · 15/02/2019 18:36

My own opinion and experience here, I have two daughters age 12 and 16. I'm 38.
My family and all my and my husband parents/cousins families are atheists as far as I know, we're very open minded about life - so to speak.

When I was a teenager my parents were okay with my boyfriends sleeping over in my bedroom. When I was 14 my mum made sure I got on the pill as soon as she found out I was having sex even after she asked me if he was using condoms, which he was.

I did the same with my daughter when she was 15. She actually came to me asking if she could go on the pill - for "certain health benefits" she said. Yep, I know ALL the tell-tail signs and lies.

Newyearnewme2019 · 18/03/2019 18:58

@littlemissnaughty1 then your son should be taking care of contraception. Condoms and spermicide and if he's in any doubt that he's leaked or split the condom, she's needs to go for the morning after pill.

And she definitely needs to know about her monthly cycle and when she's ovulating - in fact, they both should know when that time is for her and to be extra extra safe, no pulling out and taking chances then

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