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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Do you allow your teens to take their boyfriend/girlfriend to their bedroom?

196 replies

Ticktacktock · 18/03/2016 21:36

Dd is 16, and still a virgin, but has recently got a boyfriend she would like to start a relationship with. I have been very supportive, and sorted her out with the contraceptive pill. It's all good, and her bf is just lovely.

However, she just can't understand why she won't be allowed to take him to her room. She says, so where do you want me to do it, under a bush? Wouldn't you rather know I'm in a safe environment?

I'm very uncomfortable about this, but am I being an old fart??

OP posts:
Sunnybitch · 18/03/2016 22:50

But do you really want her first time to have to be " inventive" or would you rather it be safe, planned, loving and memorable

Labradorlover01 · 18/03/2016 22:57

My mum also put me on the pill at her age and provided condoms..I believe my mum did the right thing she said at some point I would do it so no point pretending it's not going to happen and she'd rather know I was safe at home also so if I wanted boyfriends were allowed to stay (same for my sisters) For me it actually meant I didn't rush into it, I appreciated that my mum didn't make it a dirty bad thing and I didn't feel the need to be rebellious so I actually waiting longer than most my friends who were banned from boyfriends etc however not sure how I'll feel when I have children that age myself but I hope I deal with it as well and can get past the scariness of of... I do see it must not be easy to trust them not to make mistakes etc

2016namechangecomingalong · 18/03/2016 23:03

I can see your DD's point really as you are effectively wanting her to go and do it in a bush as she says. Don't get me wrong I know very much that it is an uncomfortable thought but you are giving very mixed messages.

Original poster
Ticktacktock · 18/03/2016 23:05

Of course I am going to speak to his mum, they're not chomping at the bit to start shagging, and yes they are being very sensible.

it would be nice for it to be safe and memorable and all those nice things, but just can't get my head round them doing it in my house. Eewwwww.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ticktacktock · 18/03/2016 23:06

Yes I see what you mean by mixed messages, oh bollocks.

OP posts:
Sparklingbrook · 18/03/2016 23:08

Is that the done thing to speak to his Mum? I can't think why that's necessary at all. Are you going to ring her up for a chat?
Will you tell her you have suggested they 'find somewhere to do it' ?

Hope the local Travelodge is up to scratch if they can afford it.

Sunnybitch · 18/03/2016 23:09

But it's not ewwww

You should be thankful that she wants to do it there rather than not being bothered about where the first time is

CointreauVersial · 18/03/2016 23:10

If teens want to have sex, they'll have sex. Unless you plan to follow DD 24/7 you can't prevent this happening....somewhere.

As others have said, you are giving very mixed messages - here's the pill, go ahead....but no sex in this house, thank you!

But it sounds like you and DD are being very mature and open about it, which will help her to maintain a healthy attitude to it all. She sounds like she's being sensible, so you just have to trust her.

Chocolatteaddict1 · 18/03/2016 23:11

I don't understand the throughly process of "no you can't have your BF sleep over" = you have to go shag in bush/toilets

Honestly if your 16 year old is shagging in scummy toilets and bushes they are clearly not mature enough to be having sex with a loving partner. What bloke who adores his gf would want to shag her in some filthy toilets?

Pannacott · 18/03/2016 23:11

I think you are allowing your squeamishness to push your daughter into unsafe situations. Like sex in a park, or being forced to earn unrealistic amounts of money to pay for hotel rooms.

Having him in her room is not the same as inviting him to stay over, and having one boyfriend in her room does not mean you will allow another the same privilege. Case by case basis.

Chocolatteaddict1 · 18/03/2016 23:11

Thought*

kelper · 18/03/2016 23:12

This is fascinating. I was on the pill at 14 (for bad skin and heavy periods, nothing else) Lost my virginity at 15 ¾ in a forest to my 21 yo boyfriend.
My mum didn't know because i didn't tell her, there would be no way in hell id speak to her about that! Also by the time i was 16 i was sorting out my own contraception, why would you do that for her?
My BF never slept over, but I was at his all the time, I can't recall my mum phoning his mum, but they did eventually meet and get on well.
I get that its your house, but she lives there too, are they not allowed upstairs alone at all? Id agree if they were 13 or 14, but at 16 you're being a little heavy handed in my opinion, which i realise isn't shared by everyone.

EssentialHummus · 18/03/2016 23:13

You're really giving very mixed messages OP. I was quietly admiring your pragmatic approach to the Pill, condoms, STD testing etc, but your daughter is spot-on with her "in the bushes" comment. Yes, it's eeeewwww to think of them having sex in your house, but what is the (realistic) alternative?

Mabelface · 18/03/2016 23:15

My 17 year old son's 16 year old girlfriend stays over, as does my 17 year old daughter's boyfriend. They're in committed relationships. I just tell them that I don't want to hear anything, and they're happy with that. As long as they're safe, and using protection, then why shouldn't they have sex?

longingforsun · 18/03/2016 23:20

I'm truly torn on this as I find myself in a similar situation, on the one hand I am open and honest to ds and believe I have prepared him on consent and protection and would rather he and his girlfriend where in a safe environment but on the other hand he is still my boy and this is my house

PigletJohn · 18/03/2016 23:23

"Honestly if your 16 year old is shagging in scummy toilets and bushes they are clearly not mature enough to be having sex with a loving partner. What bloke who adores his gf would want to shag her in some filthy toilets?"

Nicely put

Young people have had sex since the beginning of time. Parental disapproval has never stopped it, nor has anything else. I'm sure the "bloke" you mention would much prefer somewhere nicer. I'm also sure you know plenty of people who have shagged in unromantic places, though you might not always know it.

Original poster
Ticktacktock · 18/03/2016 23:45

I am really surprised, really really surprised at the opposition here!

His mum has asked for my number and will be ringing me this weekend apparently, and dd says one of the things she wants to ask is whether or not I will allow them into her room. So at this point in time I don't know which way she is leaning. I am impressed though by her involvement.

I do get your points, I really do.

Oh and kelper I sorted out her contraception because she asked me to. I sorted out my own contraception too, that was totally out of bounds with my parents. In fact I would have got a good hiding for it.

OP posts:
Sparklingbrook · 18/03/2016 23:46

I am really surprised by this phone call to the other parents business. I have teen sons and will not be doing that, or asking for anyone' s number.

TheSpottedZebra · 18/03/2016 23:49

My mind is boggling that you sorted her out with the pill, but hadn't considered condoms.

Original poster
Ticktacktock · 19/03/2016 00:14

Well boggle away.

I already thanked upthread for mentioning condoms.

Are people saying that they don't communicate with the bf or gf's parents? That is really weird. Why wouldn't you?

OP posts:
Sparklingbrook · 19/03/2016 00:20

I would not communicate with the parents. My parents never did when I was a teen, why would they?

What a strange conversation to have. I have teens myself and don't know any parents that have made that call.

TheFlyingFauxPas · 19/03/2016 01:07

EU. What teen wants parentally sanctioned sex Confused ?

Original poster
Ticktacktock · 19/03/2016 07:40

It will be a hello my name is bf's mum conversation. Why doesn't anyone know the parents of their teen's partner? Does nobody have the mobile no? My DD's bf lives 30 miles away, and we'll both want to know their whereabouts.

I realise I'm in the minority here, but I am finding it hard to understand why everyone just seems to absolve all responsibility once their teen starts having sex.

OP posts:
JaneyJaney66 · 19/03/2016 07:46

Good grief! Why would you not, it's bizarre! I've read three or four threads on this subject and it would seem that the majority either would be happy for their offspring to have long standing partners sleeping over or are at least open to others opinions. Then you get a couple of idiots who post multiple times on the same thread with their 'not til hell freezes over' stance. Jesus Christ, the age of consent is 16 and we live in 2016...

annandale · 19/03/2016 07:47

Oh blimey this is scary. I had sex in my room at 17 and it never in a million years occurred to me to ask my parents nor did memorable come into it but the word sex has still never passed my lips when talking to my mum so really I have to congratulate you on your approach so far. i actually don't think it's that mixed a message to say 'it's important that you are protected because shit happens but that doesn't mean you actually have to have sex any time soon'.