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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

Do you allow your teens to take their boyfriend/girlfriend to their bedroom?

196 replies

Ticktacktock · 18/03/2016 21:36

Dd is 16, and still a virgin, but has recently got a boyfriend she would like to start a relationship with. I have been very supportive, and sorted her out with the contraceptive pill. It's all good, and her bf is just lovely.

However, she just can't understand why she won't be allowed to take him to her room. She says, so where do you want me to do it, under a bush? Wouldn't you rather know I'm in a safe environment?

I'm very uncomfortable about this, but am I being an old fart??

OP posts:

Ragwort · 19/03/2016 07:54

No, it is not my job to facilitate my teenage DS's sex life - and what exactly are you meant to do whilst they are in the bedroom having a shag-fest - unless you live in a mansion I would imagine the atmosphere would be very uncomfortable. Can you get on with your housework, use your home study, (which might be next to the bedroom ), watch television as if nothing is happening, take them a coffee afterwards?

I had a colourful sex life as a teenager but would never have dreamt of having sex in my parents' home when they were in - although I am still mortified (over 40 years later) when my DF arrived home early one day and caught me in the act - to his credit he was incredibly discrete and never made a comment. .

JaneyJaney66 · 19/03/2016 08:01

They don't have non stop noisy sex just because you've allowed them
Into the bedroom! I have three darling teenagers and they are all discreet enough that I've not overheard anything. They can also manage to keep their hands off each other and sometimes they spend time in the bedroom but are (shock horror 😮)watching a film fully clothed!

Jw35 · 19/03/2016 08:02

I won't be allowing boyfriends in my dd's room until after 18 and not overnight until they are serious (long term) and I like/trust him. I wouldn't be encouraging a 16 year old to have sex. She's old enough to sort out contraception without you so I wouldn't take her to a clinic personally. Not judging just letting you know you're not the only old fart!

Peebles1 · 19/03/2016 08:16

I have 3 DCs and am similar to you ticktacktock. We have allowed all partners in their rooms in the same way we always allowed friends in their rooms. This means they know we can go in at any time, as we would with friends - but we do a lot of loud approach steps and coughing and slow rattling of the door handle to give them warning we're entering!

I wasn't easy with letting them sleep overnight in their rooms until they'd been seeing each other longer and DH categorically refused to allow it ever! So we just told them no. They were always allowed to stay over, but one slept in the lounge. They were also allowed to stay up as late as they wanted, as long as they were in separate rooms in the morning. They just accepted it. I know it sounds hilarious and I probably would just let them sleep over in their rooms if it wasn't for DH, but that's what we did when we were teenagers - snuck around in the night.

I didn't speak to all the parents about it, though I met most of them at various drop offs, but DDs bf's mum did speak to me after DD first stayed over at his to assure me they'd slept in separate rooms. DD was underage at that time. She let them sleep together after 18 months when bf turned 18.

As for doing it in other places - come on, you can't honestly tell me none of you have ever been inventive??!!!

Just go with what feels right for you, ticktacktock. It doesn't matter what other people think or your DD demands. Personally I'd be like you and say no for now, but probably change if the relationship lasts.

leonardthelemming · 19/03/2016 08:21

Are people saying that they don't communicate with the bf or gf's parents? That is really weird. Why wouldn't you?

Indeed, people are saying that. When we were in this situation - son's gf staying over - our view was that at age 16+, as long as sex was mutually consensual it was entirely their affair and none of our business. No way would we have considered contacting the girl's parents. In fact the idea never occurred to us.
And they were in the room next to ours and we never heard a thing.

I've read three or four threads on this subject and it would seem that the majority either would be happy for their offspring to have long standing partners sleeping over or are at least open to others opinions.

This was the point I made upthread. There were a lot more in favour than the majority of two suggested in another post.

Sparklingbrook · 19/03/2016 08:27

Thank you Leonard I am glad it's not just me that wouldn't be communicating with parents. I find it a v strange idea.

Muskateersmummy · 19/03/2016 08:30

I think I would all them to stay over. They sound like they are being very mature and open about the relationship. I would make it clear to dd she is allowed to have a long term boyfriend to stay, not every fling she may get into, to avoid the have sex with this guy, dump him and expect to bring home the next.

I think it's reasonable to have spoken to the bf's parents too before allowing, in order for everyone to be on the same page.

It maybe your house, but it's also your grown up daughters home. She's above the legal limit, she's talking to you honestly. You clearly have a great relationship with her, which is a credit to you both. You need to trust you have raised a sensible young lady.

Purplebluebird · 19/03/2016 08:32

I would be ok with this at 16. As were my parents, which I'm very grateful for :)

JaneyJaney66 · 19/03/2016 08:33

Of course they will have sex anyway if they want to, I'm not easily shocked but some of the stories I hear from my darling teens leave me reeling! 18th party last weekend, girl 16 had sex in a bush with two different boys, one early in the evening and one later. My husband was cycling home through the local park and saw friend of DS getting a blow job on a park bench in broad daylight. We live in a very nice town in leafy Buckinghamshire by the way...

Chocolatteaddict1 · 19/03/2016 08:56

Young people have had sex since the beginning of time

Noooooooooo. Wow that's must be why I was pregnant at 16. wow john your so fucking enlightened.

And yes I do know of people that have shagged in other not so great places but it's never something I cared for. So your assumption of all teenagers running to the nearest bushes just because you dared say no to them is just untrue john but hey if that's how you feel your kids would act..

ragwort maybe we should stand out side the bedroom door waiting to go in and offer a post coital ciggarette for the young lovers.

Sex talk is not banned in our house infact it's the oppersite I wanted dd to be aware of how getting in to an early sexual relationship can effect your life, education, sexual health. I'm so glad she focused on her school work,her sports and her do social life and saved opening her bed out till she was a little older.

ParochialE9 · 19/03/2016 08:57

I also hear about the sexual goings on in DDs friendship group ('naice' grammar school boys and girls too 😧 lol) and am a little stunned as some of their parents are the very ones to have a pop at people like me for letting their DCs boyfriends/girlfriends sleep over.

Chocolatteaddict1 · 19/03/2016 09:01

Also it's strange to see that if we were in a step parenting thread these 16 year olds would still be classed as a child, but on a staying over thread they are classed as mature sexual adults with the ability to hold down long term relationships.

Just wondering were all these mature 16 year olds are because I wasn't and the teenagers I teach sport to are often sillier than my four year old classes

Chocolatteaddict1 · 19/03/2016 09:02

*where

Sparklingbrook · 19/03/2016 09:03

16 year olds are all very different. Some very mature and some not at all, as parents you know which sort you have.

JaneyJaney66 · 19/03/2016 09:07

Wow Chocolate, you're very oppositional aren't you! My daughters also concentrate on their school work and get good grades and play high level sports but they also have their boyfriends sleeping in their bedrooms sometimes. I'm sorry that this upsets you so much Chocolate..

Chocolatteaddict1 · 19/03/2016 09:10

Why would what you allow your children to do upset me janey sorry flower your just not that important to me...

Just my opinion that's all

rainbowstardrops · 19/03/2016 09:12

I'm clearly an old fart too OP. I'm surprised how many posters have said they'd allow it.

Maybe I'm slightly older and just think I wasn't allowed my boyfriend into my room until I was about 18 and we always kept the door open!

Maybe it's a generation thing?

JaneyJaney66 · 19/03/2016 09:12

Yes we know Chocolate, you've been ramming it down our throats this entire thread haven't you sweetie!

Sparklingbrook · 19/03/2016 09:12

'flower' ?

Peaceandl0ve · 19/03/2016 09:12

I realise that we all have different takes on this, i speak as a mum of a 17 year old dd who has just embarked on her first sexual relationship with her 16 year old bf. This is just sex we are talking about, i have always discussed sex, sexual health and all the implications openly with my dd with the view that it should be fun, intimate and with no regretsble consequences for either party so if that means ensuring my dd is on the pill and her bf stays over at our house so be it.

Fun and safe at the appropriate point, or unsafe and with the burden of guilt? I know which i go for. And my dd has been on the pill for 2 years before she decided she was ready to have sex.

Sparklingbrook · 19/03/2016 09:14

Have you phoned the boyfriends parents Peace?

Peaceandl0ve · 19/03/2016 09:22

Sprkling, no he is sixteen she is seventeen, i dnot know the mum but we live in a small rural community so i know through friends that she is happy with the situation. My dd also stays over at his house too. I am sure that if my dd was seeing a 30 year old man from the local town i would feel less laid back.

Peaceandl0ve · 19/03/2016 09:24

I agree, speaking to parents is what you do if your kids are underage, or we are discussing primary school play date arrangements!

Sparklingbrook · 19/03/2016 09:24

At what age does the ringing stop? I guess when teens go off to University you don't even meet the boyfriend/girlfriend let alone speak to the parents.

Sparklingbrook · 19/03/2016 09:26

Yes peace it's a bit like talking about playdates but with added sex.

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