Do you allow your teens to take their boyfriend/girlfriend to their bedroom?

[Ticktacktock]

Dd is 16, and still a virgin, but has recently got a boyfriend she would like to start a relationship with. I have been very supportive, and sorted her out with the contraceptive pill. It's all good, and her bf is just lovely.

However, she just can't understand why she won't be allowed to take him to her room. She says, so where do you want me to do it, under a bush? Wouldn't you rather know I'm in a safe environment?

I'm very uncomfortable about this, but am I being an old fart??

I shouldn't have to explain myself really, but I only made her an appointment, that's all. She went to the walk in, there was a 3 hou wait, so she came home and ask if I could make her an appointment.

I have no intention of discussing her forthcoming sex life with her. And I am not encouraging sex as she is only 16.

Furthermore, I will allow them in her room to chill, with the door ajar, but she specifically wants sex up there, to which I said no.

Not proud of this, but I first had sex, in a car on a deserted road at night. We were both nearly 18 and we had been together a year. Our parents wouldn't allow us in each other's rooms, so we didn't have anywhere else to go. We were together 3 1/2 years before we spilt (first relationship) and it was only when we moved to university & into halls, that we were able to have sex without worrying about being caught by anyone.

Neither parents knew about this, and looking back if we had have been caught it would have been mortifying

JHurstB, when I was a teenager, lots of couples went "parking" on a Saturday night. Really. It's nothing to be embarrassed about.

Yep, car sex, woods, bunking off school to go to his house for the afternoon. All pretty common when I was young.

My teens have whoever they like in their rooms and have had boyfriends/girlfriends staying over from 17 or so (no one had asked any younger). I bore them silly with the condom talk and strongly encouraged my daughters to go on the pill.

No one had abused our trust with noisy embarrassing sex. No one has asked for anyone to stay over before they have been seeing them at least 3 or 4 months. DD1 has a very charming good male friend she has been a bit "will they, won't they" with for years. I don't let him stay over, as a friend, because I suspect he would try something and he's a bit of a player.

Dear God! What is the world coming to.

I subscribe to the philosophy of Lord Baden-Powell. He who successfully defenced the town during the Siege of Mafeking and came home to found the Boy Scouts.

I paraphrase but he said "never have sex with a woman unless you intend to marry her".

Mind you, he did sleep n the balcony outside is bedroom where his wife slept peacefully alone, because he had psychosomatic headaches.

I'm surprised you got so many hostile replies OP.

I'm also surprised at the 'kids will do it anyway so just keep your noses out of their business' school of thought.

Our children are influenced by us, and what we say is OK. How many of us had the confidence and maturity at 16 to have good sex? Any old sex maybe. Indifferent or rubbish sex probably. I had a crap boyfriend back then. I wish I'd had more time and experience under my belt to choose more wisely.

It evolves. When they were little DH and I both said no way. When they were 16/17 DH said no way, and I was a little more flexible. They're now early 20s and both have bf/gf in their room - but it wouldn't happen outside a relationship 'under my roof'.

A young friend told me recently that when she asked her Dad if her long-term bf could stay over, he agreed, but said 'your mother and I have been discreet for 18 years, so we expect the same courtesy from you'. I thought that was brilliant!

I own our house, but it's my family's home. My children's roof as well as mine. When they leave home that will change, but before then I'm not planning to pull rank on them and forbid them to do things I do myself.

As it happens neither of them have boy/girl friends at the moment. dd had a girlfriend for a while last year and they spent time in her room together. It's where dd takes her friends (and just about the only reason she tidies it!). I'd not be saying yes yet to a boy or girl friend staying over night (dc are 16 and 17) but not allowing them any privacy seems quite draconion. I went to boarding school for sixth form and the rule was door open and one foot on the floor Surely the rules in your home should be less fierce than in an institution?

Would that be Baden Powell the very repressed homosexual Beta? The one who thought that masturbation was disgusting and sex was dirty? Hope my DCs have much healthier attitudes to sex than him.

It depends on how strongly you feel that shagging, as you put it is wrong in your DD's circumstances. If you have strong religious views then I completely get that you don't want it happening in your own home.

But you must accept that your beliefs and values won't necessarily be shared by your DD - she is old enough to be forming her own opinions.

I have been thinking about this thread for most of today, it is interesting. I have been trying to work out why i have been so open with my dd, and why i am ok with her at 17 and her bf at 16 sharing a bed in my home and i have just had a lightbulb moment i want to share.

I want my daughter to feel in control of her relationships, to feel fully able to make decesions and i hope rightly or wrongly that being open has given her the self-awareness to say yes or no to sex without the added burned of guilt and worry re parents.

If i had had this guidance and support perhaps i would have had the confidence to say no to the boy who got into my bed after a party and had sex with me, that was my first time! I would then have had the confidence to tell my mother, or anyone else for that matter, what had happened. Instead i lived with worry that i might have caught something and gult that i should have stopped it.

Anyway, that felt like therapy, sorry. And yes this is a story i have shared with my dd and will share with my ds when the time is right...

Umm, ABetaDad, Baden Powell was a paedophile.

I would be very concerned about following any philosophy he has about sex. I think I'd find someone s bit more balanced as s rolf model.

*a role model

LOL abetadad

Amen Peace.

"A young friend told me recently that when she asked her Dad if her long-term bf could stay over, he agreed, but said 'your mother and I have been discreet for 18 years, so we expect the same courtesy from you'. I thought that was brilliant!" Well done that dad.

My dd is 15 and hasn't yet had a proper kiss let alone anything more! I'm dreading this as apart from anything else our flat is tiny and the walls paper thin - it'll be me having to shell out for a bloody hotel room I expect!

Joking aside personally I would not stop my dd from having a serious bf or gf over. I have spoken with her about sex, conception, contraception. STDs, consent, relationships etc.

My concern is that I've not been in a relationship myself she's been a party to since I left her dad when she was 2. I've not been a nun! But nobody has become serious enough for me to introduce/have them stay over when she's here. But my worry is more that I've not been able to show her what a healthy relationship looks like.

Ultimately OP its your decision as its your dd and your home we can only say what we would do/have done.

Maybe I'm slightly older

I'm retired. We allowed it.

There is nothing wrong about sex or relationships per se, but there is a lot to be gained from a bit of maturity, confidence and years before just jumping in because it's legal and 'everyone else is doing it'.

At 16 most kids still are very naive, not very confident, just trying to work out a lot of things including relationships and their bodies. What on earth is wrong with advising a young child to wait a while, to experiment but slowly, to take their time?

What is wrong with being a parent, and STILL being prepared to be a parent to a 16 year old? By saying that there will be limits on what you feel is OK sexually for them at this time? Would you feel the same about drugs - that better let them take it in their bedrooms 'as they will do it anyway?'.

Of course it doesn't mean that they'll listen to us, but crikey someone around them has to be prepared to say, you know what, you are still a child, a bigger, more mature child, but one that has a lot to learn yet. I'd be keeping an open dialogue with my child and encouraging them to have a fun, but SLOWLY. I think that there is a terrible pressure on kids to be sexual really early.

Emotionally a lot of crap can happen in those early experiences, and girls especially can think that sex is what they hear about and don't take time to learn what really makes them feel good. Some 'sexual' girls seem to just go around just pleasing blokes and thinking that makes them mature.

Kangaroo what makes you think that they want to have sex because it's legal and 'everyone else is doing it'? What if they just want to because they really like each other? Being older doesn't automatically make it better.
Being a parent involves saying yes as much as it does saying no. When you say yes to your teen, it doesn't mean that you have stopped being a parent. You can still put boundaries in place so they learn to keep themselves safe - it's not allowing a free for all.
It doesn't compare to drugs because that is illegal, it's not something normal that you do yourself and it would be perfectly reasonable for that to be a permanent no.
Emotionally lots can happen but that doesn't mean that the best way to deal with it is to try to prevent anything from happening. If she has already started taking the pill, there is a very high chance that she is going to have sex soon. Pushing her out of the house puts her in a far more vulnerable position.

At 16 most kids still are very naive, not very confident, just trying to work out a lot of things including relationships and their bodies. What on earth is wrong with advising a young child to wait a while, to experiment but slowly, to take their time?

I can remember being 16. I remember a bus driver asking the teacher how many kids were on the bus. I actually found that quite upsetting - I didn't regard myself as a kid then and now, 50 years (!) later, I still don't think of 16-year-olds as kids. Nor do some government departments. Nor does the Citizens Advice Bureau. Nor the Oxford English Dictionary. Why on earth can't we accept that there's a stage in between childhood and adulthood. Call them teenagers, adolescents, young people, it doesn't really matter - they are not children.
Surely the important thing for people of this age is to practise doing adult things, while they still have parents around to catch them when they make mistakes. That way they will learn not to make the same mistakes when they really are adults and have no backup. Telling them not to make mistakes just doesn't work, IMHO.

Sorry, this has gone a bit off-topic but it is relevant to the OP in that a 16-year-old ought to be capable of making, and should be allowed to make, her own decisions.

I never advised to not to it, but to take time, a long time. Children don't turn into adults in a couple of years. It is a gradual process. And yes, generally as you get older you gain more experience, more confidence, more of a sense of who you are. Most of us don't become able to handle everything about being adult until into our early twenties, driving, our own home, our career, our independence, our self esteem. You wouldn't expect that all to happen by 16, sex is no different, going from 0 to 100 isn't necessarily the best choice for someone aged 16.

"wow john your so fucking enlightened.

And yes I do know of people that have shagged in other not so great places but it's never something I cared for. So your assumption of all teenagers running to the nearest bushes just because you dared say no to them is just untrue john but hey if that's how you feel your kids would act."

It's even more delightful to be told what I assume, or how my kids act, than to be abused.

However these things do happen, even if you don't like to hear it . I'm sorry to hear you were pregnant at 16, that must have been very difficult.

I personally think your DD is showing great maturity by being willing to be so honest and upfront with you from the get go. She is also trying her best to be respectful by asking your permission. Not many hormonal teens would do the same.

I never advised to not to it, but to take time, a long time.
Taking a long time before having sex means not doing it!

They may not go 0-100, they sound mature enough to have thought this through and discussed it. They obviously like each other a lot. What is wrong with having sex when you feel ready to, even if you are 16?

I was in no rush, I did take my time, but I was still 16 and it was lovely. There was no pressure, we did it because we wanted to. Nothing wrong with that.

I struggle with the idea of my dd having sex. We are nowhere near this stage yet thankfully.

I hope I can stay true to my beliefs now when we get there.

I spent my teen years shagging in inappropriate places and I hope I can be more supportive. I want dd to enjoy sex and experimenting safely when she is ready to without thinking it's a dirty act.

Because it isn't. 16 is the legal age so nothing wrong there and if she is mature and has the self esteem to do it when she is ready rather than because it what's expected or he wants to then I really don't see the issue.