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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Do you allow your teens to take their boyfriend/girlfriend to their bedroom?

196 replies

Ticktacktock · 18/03/2016 21:36

Dd is 16, and still a virgin, but has recently got a boyfriend she would like to start a relationship with. I have been very supportive, and sorted her out with the contraceptive pill. It's all good, and her bf is just lovely.

However, she just can't understand why she won't be allowed to take him to her room. She says, so where do you want me to do it, under a bush? Wouldn't you rather know I'm in a safe environment?

I'm very uncomfortable about this, but am I being an old fart??

OP posts:
Mamia15 · 22/03/2016 13:44

We talk to our teens a lot about informed consent, respect and kindness to help them make good choices about sex and relationships.

Agree that friendships squabbles can be a major cause of teenage angst...

Kangaroo123 · 22/03/2016 14:13

I've seen three kids through 16 plus years, eldest was a step kid. Agree they are different. Eldest lived with us and DP wanted to be cool, open parent so allowed her BF to stay, very little restrictions and no chats about emotional maturity. BF seemed nice.

Eldest got pregnant, had the child, dropped out of study, split up from BF, told DP that BF was emotionally abusive, totally regrets having plunged into a full sexual relationship so young. She knew about contraception, just didn't have the maturity to use it.

So I would argue that letting a young teenager to 'fail' in this case has far more serious consequences than falling out with friends or failing an audition.

Dancergirl · 22/03/2016 14:30

What a ridiculous philosophy, to not enter into something because one day it will be over and you'll be upset??

That's not what I am saying at all and janey I completely agree that it's nothing to do with age. That's why the legal age of consent is not always the right time for everyone. Teens often think they know what they are doing but it's a parent's job to guide and advise, not just to throw contraception at them and tell them to get on with it. Paro your dd may not have had the experience of teenage love heartbreak but it happens. I'm not saying teens shouldn't have sex but I think they need to be prepared for the way sex changes a relationship.

Dancergirl · 22/03/2016 14:32

And yes of course there are disappointments and upset in life, that's life. But you can't really compare an audition to making the decision to commit to a sexual relationship. And SOME teens are not mature enough to handle it. They might well be the ones who in years to come, wish their parents had guided them a bit more.

rogueantimatter · 22/03/2016 14:36

You don't know the circumstances of the audition - journey, preparation, missed school during run up to exams..... Grin Sigh Why am I laughing? Not the same, but the same point about their right to make their own choices. Especially about their own bodies.

ParochialE9 · 22/03/2016 15:14

First love heartbreak happens when you're older too (obviously). My first proper heartbreak was aged 23 when my boyfriend and I were travelling in Australia. Think I would have rather had those feelings while I was still living at home and had my mum around actually.

mumslife · 22/03/2016 19:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

notquiteruralbliss · 23/03/2016 07:54

It would never have occurred to me to question any of DCs friends / BFs / GFs staying over. Or to expect to know what they were doing when they were in DCs room. I would generally know who was around by extra pairs of shoes in the hall, but that is all. Unless I have evidence to the contrary, I assume they are capable of managing their own relationships and of balancing work and going out. And even if they do get it wrong, I would rather it were when they are still living at home, and have a safety net.

Moetandchandon · 31/03/2016 00:09

I'm in turmoil about all this. Dd16 is asking to stay over at bf's. They have only been going out for 6 weeks officially but they are having sex. She has not asked for him to stay here yet.
I'm conflicted. If I say no, she will lie to me and do it anyway ( already has). Is me thinking they are rushing into things and being uncomfortable with it a good enough reason to say no? It isn't is it?

Mamia15 · 31/03/2016 08:39

Moet - I sympathise. Have you talked not rushing into things, waiting until you are ready, giving full, informed and valid consent etc?

One of my DC is 16 so I would be concerned too and would be telling them that I'm not convinced they are ready even though realistically I wouldn't be able to stop them from having sex.

DO you know the bf's parents - is there any way you could talk to them?

leonardthelemming · 31/03/2016 10:08

I'm in turmoil about all this. Dd16 is asking to stay over at bf's.
DO you know the bf's parents - is there any way you could talk to them?

The debate goes in circles. Upthread there are comments to the effect that it would be inappropriate to talk to the BF's parents. I take that view too. Scottish law is quite clear on this - from 16 a parent's role is to advise, not direct, their offspring's behaviour. English law is less specific, but it's the same general idea.

There was a PP that different young people mature at different ages, and that not everyone is ready for sex at 16. True, but it works the other way as well - some young people are ready before 16 (bear in mind that the age of consent is 15 or 14 in most European countries) so you can be pleased she has waited. You already know she is having sex and really it's entirely her affair.

It's a shame she might lie to you if you say no - she doesn't need to because, technically, you can't say no. Not now she's 16. She can make her own decision to stay at his and just tell you. So be pleased she has asked, think of it as a rhetorical question, say yes, and be happy that she will be somewhere safe.

Moetandchandon · 31/03/2016 13:11

I've tried talking to her and just giving my point of view about being safe, rushing into things (too late for that) etc but dd knows everything and I'm just behind the times according to her. I don't think she is as mature as she thinks she is but I'm just going to have to go with it as I can't stop her and as everyone says she is old enough to make her own decisions.
I'll get used to it.

Mamia15 · 31/03/2016 13:42

Its so hard isn't it Moet, keeping a balance of not being disapproving and explaining your concerns about safety etc. Keep listening and reassuring her that you are there.

Original poster
Ticktacktock · 02/04/2016 13:12

I've had a lovely long conversation with the bf's mum. Inappropriate or not. We found out all kinds of stuff between us that we didn't know about our own offspring. It turns out we are both naturally on the same page and we have set some ground rules for them both to adhere to.

It was a very productive conversation indeed. My dd is still only 16 and her gcses are not her priority any more so we are working together to find the best way to go.

OP posts:
Mamia15 · 02/04/2016 13:51

Glad you had a chat with the bf's mum - 16 is very young and and there is so much at stake including GCSEs/future plans and its so easy to get carried away by romance/hormones...

henrypage · 29/01/2017 15:11

Of course you should let her use her room. Book a hotel? The cheapest, most affordable hotels, are not where I would send my child. If your daughter and her boyfriend are happy about making love in your home you should be thankful for that, it shows that they trust you and feel secure and happy. Stay close to your daughter, don't allow this very useful portal to communicating with her to evaporate or you may regret it.

Sparklingbrook · 29/01/2017 15:14

The DD in question is now nearly a year older henrypage anything could have happened in the last 12 months.

henrypage · 29/01/2017 15:21

Just try and make sure that she is where she is and that she is safe. Ensure that her mobile has credit so that she can call you if she needs to. Get her a hands-free earphone so that she can use this without getting her phone out in public (more risk). Warn her of risks too: drugs, alcohol, STDs but do all of this in a relaxed and friendly manner. Tell her you want her to be safe and that you want her to call you if she suddenly finds she has stepped out of her comfort zone, no matter what time day or night. Don't say it in a panicky way, just say that sometimes circumstances change quickly and you'd much rather she called. Tell her you love and that you will always be there for her. Try and impress on her that if she is going to stay out for the night, could she please let you know where she is staying because at least then you have a reference point if there are problems. If she wants to change that mid-stream could she please let you know because you want her to be happy and secure. I'm sure you get the idea.

Sparklingbrook · 29/01/2017 15:22
Confused
user1485703469 · 29/01/2017 15:44

No you should not be encouraging your daughter to do that in your house, or anywhere. She is 16, her boyfriend is unlikely to become her future husband, so she's just being used by some teenage boy until they grow out of the relationship. Why are you not teaching your daughter some self respect, and why not teach abstinence until she is ready to get married. It is worth waiting for the right person. Just because it's legal and "everyone does it" doesn't mean it's the right thing to do.

Sparklingbrook · 29/01/2017 15:44

I am guessing she's 17 now.

henrypage · 29/01/2017 16:27

"she's just being used by some teenage boy" It takes two to tango. If you behave like that your child will be elsewhere, maybe even at a party or after school in someone's house. I'd rather know MY child is safe thanks.

henrypage · 29/01/2017 16:38

Obviously, given the dates at the beginning of the thread, I was aware of that, but there are other parents coming here and thus the advice still applies. The simple fact is that each child is different, it's not one-size-fits-all, parental skills include knowing your child's individual needs. Many parents alienate their children by behaving in a way that is seen as irrational by the child. Wait until marriage? What happens if the young couple don't want to get married? Of course a child should be told to avoid sleeping with a new boyfriend but the fact is that if the two of them have been dating for a few months, it is their choice, not yours.

henrypage · 29/01/2017 16:39

" Just because it's legal and "everyone does it" doesn't mean it's the right thing to do."

It doesn't mean it's the wrong thing either, unless you're going to drag 'god' into it.

FearTheLiving · 29/01/2017 16:42

Good lord. If my teens partners parent phoned me to discuss our kids sex lives I think I would slam the phone down on them. What a weirdo.