Do you allow your teens to take their boyfriend/girlfriend to their bedroom?

[Ticktacktock]

Dd is 16, and still a virgin, but has recently got a boyfriend she would like to start a relationship with. I have been very supportive, and sorted her out with the contraceptive pill. It's all good, and her bf is just lovely.

However, she just can't understand why she won't be allowed to take him to her room. She says, so where do you want me to do it, under a bush? Wouldn't you rather know I'm in a safe environment?

I'm very uncomfortable about this, but am I being an old fart??

When my dd goes to uni i will demad, as a requirement of her getting support money from us, that she rings us with the details amd phone number of potential sexual partner's parents!

Definitely peace

The level of control some parents try to maintain over their almost adult children is very weird. The phoning from Uni is probably not so far fetched for some people hahah!

Parochial - I hear stuff from DS1 and DS2 (naice private day school in a rural area) and parents seem to condone their offspring drinking and goodness knows what else at parties. Really I think parents need to be more responsible.

Me and DW were 23 and engaged before either of our sets of parents allowed us to sleep in the same room in their house. never did us any lasting harm although we were at uni together. What on earth does a 'committed relationship mean between 16/17 year olds anyway? Are they really ready to deal with an accidental pregnancy? I don't think so. Don't have sex if you cant handle the consequences.

That said our respective parents had given birth to both of us by the time they were 19/20 so not sure where their new found morality cam from by the time we were their age.

Peace - you may wish to ascertain his net worth and future career prospects as well before agreeing to anything - just like in the Georgian and Victorian era.

Struggling artists need not apply. Potential future investment bankers and beneficiaries of substantial fortunes may apply.

ABeta I don't think the parents have any idea what their children are up to. Clearly the girl having sex with two boys in a bush is not going home and telling her mum about it! Same mum though is very vocal in disapproving of other parents and thinks her dd is an absolute angel.

Oh dear god. I'd have been MORTFIED if my parents had spoken to my boyfriends parents about our sexual relationship.

TTT. You aren't being 'an old fart' or sending mixed messages. There's nothing wrong with saying that you understand they'll be having sex, just not under your roof. They'll miss out on half of the fun if they're allowed to shag in bed, at home, wherever they want to AND you don't need to be knowing that's what they're doing while you're cooking their tea. No thanks! Stick to your plan

"Are people saying that they don't communicate with the bf or gf's parents? That is really weird. Why wouldn't you?"

I met DD's boyfriend's mother for the first time last weekend. They have been going out with each other for nearly 6 months.

It isn't weird at all to not communicate with your children's friends or partner’s parents once they are teenagers. IMO it sounds rather controlling to be in contact with the parents unless they are planning something major like going away to London for the weekend.

“I agree, speaking to parents is what you do if your kids are underage, or we are discussing primary school play date arrangements!”

This ^^
Why would I need to talk to DD's friends parents? DD complains that when I pick her up from a sleepover that I am the only parent who comes to the house. All the others text their offspring that they are outside. In my case it is because DD always has her phone on silent, and in one parent's case I am actually quite friendly with her so we just have a 5 minute gossip.

By the time I was 16 my parents didn't know the parents of any of my friends, and they certainly didn't know any of my boyfriend’s parents.

Back to the original question. Of course I let DD and her boyfriend go up to DD's room. I can't expect them to sit chastely in the living room being forced to watch something OH and I want to see on TV.

“We have allowed all partners in their rooms in the same way we always allowed friends in their rooms. This means they know we can go in at any time, as we would with friends - but we do a lot of loud approach steps and coughing and slow rattling of the door handle to give them warning we're entering!”

This^^ is what I do as well

They keep the bedroom door ajar and I know they don't just sit and hold hands, but they also know that I can come into the room unexpectedly (I knock first).

You need to be able to give your daughter some privacy. She is 16 not 12.

I've also never met DDs boyfriends parents, they've been together since last summer. I also don't know the parents of any of the friends she's made since starting college. The first time I met DS1s girlfriends parents was at the airport as DS and gf were about to go travelling in Asia together. At that point they'd been together for three years, I've also not spoken to them since as there's just never been any need.

Abeta, we live in a different world, my parents were like yours! I dont think for one minute that my dd and her bf are comitted beyond the next few months but i think sex is about intimacy and affection and this comes from mutual respect rather than the expectation that they will be together for ever and ever!
Also, my dd knows that as her mum i am here to help her deal with any problems that occur, sexual, relationship or any other now at 17, and whenever in the future.

Regarding meeting the "other" parent - I think it depends on circumstances....DS (16) dated a girl for nine months, and because we live several miles apart her DM usually drove her over. In the early days she came to the door for a chat because, basically, she wanted to check she wasn't dropping her (then) 15yo DD off at some random's house. Over the course of their relationship we would chat occassionally, or she would message to say GF had a lot of schoolwork this WE, so wouldn't be around....that sort of thing. Last summer, DS went on holiday with them for a week, then GF came with us for a week. Of course, when they eventually broke up (as teens do) GF's DM revealed herself to be rather an over-controlling loon, and kept phoning and pestering me to meet, so she could get "closure".

And yes, GF was allowed in his room during the day (although we would "pop in" regularly, rattling the doorknob on approach, just to check all was well, IYKWIM), but she stayed at the other end of the house when she slept over at ours (and vice versa). Knowing the two people concerned, I don't believe (I accept I may be wrong) that they actually had sex during the relationship. But, as I said earlier, had they wanted to, there were ample opportunities for that to happen, either in house or elsewhere.

I wonder how many parents have picked the phone up and it was 'that call' and thought WTF.
Thank goodness for caller display.

What do you mean by "that call"

The 'hello you don't know me but I am your DS's girlfriend's parent and we are going to discuss when and where they will be having sex' call.

D'oh! Of course.

DD's boyfriend's parents don't have my number, and I don't have theirs. Why would we need them?

Ridiculous to speak to bf's parents.

Also OTT to organise DD's contraception: discussing this with her is one thing, but if she's ready for a sexual relationship she should sort this out herself.

Fair enough not to want them to shag when you're in, or for him to stay overnight, but to ban him from her bedroom is just silly IMO.

Well id rather talk straight janey than the P.A crap your accusing other posters of not having the same view as you.

Now parents are controlling if they don't want their 16 years old to be having their latest boyfriend stay over . Ok

Yes I agree duck

No Chocolate, I said that parents are controlling if they feel the need to call bf or gfs parents - you just agreed with Duck making the very same point that I did?? Get your facts right before sounding off 'flower'

DS then 17 had been seeing his GF about 6 months when he asked if she could stay over.
We had a reasonable discussion with some eye rolling from the teens about contraception, consensual sex, if her parents were happy & if they wanted condoms on the supermarket delivery. I was more worried about them being tired for exams.
It's one of those things that I've dreaded but it's actually fine.

I don't think I can condone sex in my house
So it would make you feel better knowing that they were finding somewhere outside to shag?

Refusing to allow it in your house does not stop teenagers having sex. It means they are less safe and it means they spend less time at home.

Discussing your teen's sex life with their partner's parents is beyond intrusive.

It's fine for parents to have sex in the house where their teens are, but their teens are not allowed to have sex in the house because it makes the parents feel uncomfortable? What if your teens told you that the thought of you having sex in the same house made them feel uncomfortable? Would you stop having sex or would you tell them to get a grip?

I have been very supportive, and sorted her out with the contraceptive pill.
I don't understand this either.
She is old enough to have sex so be supportive if she wants advice and by all means have a conversation about keeping safe, but they should be sorting out their own contraception. This is the teen's responsibility, not the parents.

Chocolate. I love the post coital cigarette comment. I'm with you