Do you allow your teens to take their boyfriend/girlfriend to their bedroom?

[Ticktacktock]

Dd is 16, and still a virgin, but has recently got a boyfriend she would like to start a relationship with. I have been very supportive, and sorted her out with the contraceptive pill. It's all good, and her bf is just lovely.

However, she just can't understand why she won't be allowed to take him to her room. She says, so where do you want me to do it, under a bush? Wouldn't you rather know I'm in a safe environment?

I'm very uncomfortable about this, but am I being an old fart??

[Kangaroo123]

Most of us needed a lot of years until we started to make sense of ourselves and relationships. I wouldn't want my kids to marry, have kids, leave home at 16, or even 18. I want them, to train for jobs, to have a light approach to boyfriends, to kiss, to lightly experiment, to build up knowledge and experience. Same with their identity, they haven't long been out of puberty, their experience is really limited.

I'm glad if some people have built up such an experienced and confident attitude to be able to choose and go straight into full sex as soon as they hit 16. But this isn't the norm, not for me, my friends, my friends kids. They are mostly all over the place! And I don't have one friend who hasn't cringed at how mostly crap and confusing their first sexual experiences were!

[bigTillyMint]

I think your DD has shown that she is mature enough for a relationship by talking to you and getting contraception sorted. It is obvious that they will be having sex (or what would have been the point of getting contraception?) - where do you think they will be doing it? I reckon they will still do it in your house, just maybe when you are asleep/not in.

My first bf and I had sex downstairs in both our houses once our parents were asleep as well as in his mums car and his bedroom (memorably one time when she was doing the ironing!) when he was home from uni as well as me staying with him there. I was 17 and can honestly say I suffered no ill-effects as we were in a committed relationship and he was very sweet. We sorted contraception ourselves after I had a scare - there was no way I would have talked to my mum about it!

DD(16 1/2) and her bf(18) spend a lot of time in her room. Mostly watching films/doing homework()/chatting, etc. They do not make any untoward noises, but I am under no illusions as to what else they get up to. and she has talked with me about contraception and they have sorted it. They also finish school an hour and a half before I get home from work. We just felt it makes more sense not to pretend it isn't happening and let them act responsibly.
He doesn't sleep over because there is no need as he lives around the corner. I have never met his parents (or phoned them!), although I most probably have walked past them on the street!

[Ragwort]

Agree with Kangeroo - in m opinion 16 is too young for sexual relationships and I would hope my DS is concentrating on school work, sports, hobbies, playstation etc rather than be in a committed relationship at that age . I have young relatives who have been in sexual relationships at 16 & without exception it has led to heart ache, total disinterest in school work, ending up in dead end jobs or on benefits, pregnancies (and two children born in totally uncommitted relationships) and probably STDs etc that I don't even know about. .

I know 16 year olds can and will have sex but I see no reason to encourage it.

[bigTillyMint]

The thing is, if you have a DC who is not yet 16/is not in a relationship at 16, then this issue doesn't arise. So you can say I will do x or I did do y.
For you, the issue did not arise at all, so your "principles" were never tested.

[Flumplet]

This is ridiculous. Enabling but not condoning?! What a contradictory message.

[Ragwort]

She has her own room at uni so what iscthe point if me saying no if its a serious comitted relationship.

I think there is every 'point' about saying no to sex in your parents' home even if you are having sex with a partner at university. I had plenty of sex when I was at university (and yes, in a committed relationship for two years) but saw no reason to insist I shared a bedroom when my BF came to visit in the vacations. I didn't want to put my parents in an embarrassing position.

And as usually happens with young people - you can be in 'serious, committed relationship' for a few weeks/months, then break up, have a new partner etc etc.

I don;t want a series of young people sharing my DS's bed for a few years until he leaves home.

[PeaStalks]

Under 16 I think there is a duty of care to the BF/GF as well as your own child if they are in your home. Over 16 then my view is that if it's a reasonably serious relationship then I allow them to invite a GF overnight.

I've never communicated with other parents since primary school. Not friends or girlfriends.

[Bunbaker]

DD is in her bedroom right now with her boyfriend. OH and I are both in the house and they know that either one of us could walk in on them at any time.

[JaneyJaney66]

bigTillyMint makes a very good point, many of the people spitting venom on here don't have a 16/17 year old in a serious relationship. Ragwort do you really believe that sex at 16 causes disinterest in school, dead end jobs, benefits? 😂 both my daughters have serious long term and yes, committed boyfriends. They sleep over, they have sex but no I haven't noticed any change in their motivation or their IQ levels. I had sex at 16 (we used to do it at the house I babysat at after the children had gone to sleep). We were together for three years and I would count that relationship as every bit as significant and important as later relationships. I got 3 As in my A levels, he got an A and 2 Bs and we both went on to get good degrees and careers thanks. Allowing boyfriends/girlfriends to sleep over does not mean that all morals suddenly go out the window, doesn't open the door to a string of different partners. Sex shouldn't be some dirty, secret thing. It's normal and natural. My 86 year old mother has more liberal views than some on this thread!

[Bunbaker]

"many of the people spitting venom on here don't have a 16/17 year old in a serious relationship."

I agree.

[Ragwort]

JaneyJaney - of course I don't think that all 16 years olds who are in a serious relationship are neglecting their education but sadly, in my immediate circle that is exactly what has happened - leading to two unplanned children and a number of terminations, which is obviously very sad. .

mumslif - no parent can really know for sure that their DD/DS has not had a 'casual relationship' - I had plenty of lovers at university, but I made sure my parents never knew about them. .

[TinklyLittleLaugh]

What nonsense. My eldest two have had partners sleep over from 17 or so. Both have decent Alevels and are now at good unis. I'm pretty sure neither has ever has a casual relationship.

DD actually commented that those of her friends who are more casual in their approach (sleep with boys they don't know very well at parties or on holiday) are those with the parents who won't let them have sex in their own homes. I guess they are grabbing it while they can.

[nooka]

My parents didn't let dh and I sleep in the same room when we were home from university, even once we were out of halls and living together. The main result of that was that we pretty much lived at his parents place. This really upset my parents, and made me feel sad and conflicted. Seems a bit of a self defeating move to me.

I'd rather encourage my children's friends and romantic interests to spend lots of time at our house so that we can get to know them, and be there to provide whatever support and advice we can. My siblings and I mostly ended up lying about our relationships to our parents, my middle sister just had 'good friends' for years. It's really not the way I want to go with my children.

[bigTillyMint]

"I'd rather encourage my children's friends and romantic interests to spend lots of time at our house so that we can get to know them, and be there to provide whatever support and advice we can."

I totally agree.

[Mamia15]

My DS is 18 and is in a serious relationship - both stay here overnight occasionally (after checking with us). Both are very committed to their A levels and have ambitious Uni/career plans. Being 18 is very different to being 16 though.

Much as I loved my parents, I very rarely visited them when I was young because I wasn't allowed to share a room with my long term bf. Going to them for advice and support about relationships was just too awkward and embarrassing so we never bothered them

Our DC are much more open with us and they know that we are there to provide support and advice. We talk a lot about relationships, sex and other related issues e.g our stance on pornography, sexting etc.

[Dancergirl]

I think the 16 being the legal age of consent is a bit of a red herring. All children/teens are different, just because it's allowed legally at 16 doesn't mean they will be emotionally ready for a sexual relationship. Teens still needs boundaries and protecting even if outwardly they strongly protest. I think there is pressure on parents to be 'cool' about sex and focus on the practical issues, i.e. contraception and where they are going to do it. Personally I think more talking needs to be done about the implications of a sexual relationship and if a teen is emotionally mature enough to handle it.

[Dancergirl]

If they are in a steady relationship with someone then why not

Lots of reasons. For example, have they thought about the end of the relationship? Teens may be horrified at the thought of this when they are in love, but the chances are it will happen. Teenage heartbreak can be very hard but even more so if they have had sex.

[ParochialE9]

What a ridiculous philosophy, to not enter into something because one day it will be over and you'll be upset?? My dd has been upset over bitchy female friends many more times than by a boyfriend.

[JaneyJaney66]

Dancergirl how will our teens know if they're mature enough to handle a relationship if they never enter into one? My 30 year old sister approaches relationships in a far less mature way than my 17 year old daughter does - it's nothing to do with age.

[rogueantimatter]

And we can't make all our DCs' choices for them at that age.

My DS is auditioning for something - he isn't very likely to get in and then he will be very disappointed. The audition takes place over two days at a very busy time. Should I have made the choice for him that he not audition to protect him from being upset?

I'll be there to support him when he hears how he did though. He will hopefully be learning resilience.