Teens affecting your mental health?

[KikiTheFrog]

So I am a worrier. Always have been but events this past year with dd16 have worn me down and I basically feel like shit a lot of the time, depending on the current state of play with dd. Nothing drastic or too bad has happened luckily, but Ive had days off work becsuse ive been too upset to go in, lost weight through not eating and sleep badly. All through dealing with her and sorting out her problems when necessary.
I suppose its not fair to blame her for how I'm feeling because its the way i react thats the problem, but if she didn't do, or not do, all those things or say all that stuff then I wouldn't be upset and anticipating the next disappointment. Yes I'm probably a bit depressed and have actually referred myself for therapy but am I the only one like this?

Bad day today; why can't I just detach? Why do I worry over every little thing she does or doesn't do? The eggshells I'm walking on are beginning to cut into my feet and it hurts!

3cats I am the same. I know exactly where you are coming from. I am either worrying that she is failing at college (does no work), or that she's out all the time or else I'm annoyed coz she doesn't lift a finger at home and a long list of other things in between. Never ending.

However, its Friday. I'm going to have a humongous glass of and some nice foodie treats and try and relax for a couple of hours.

BTW I loved your comment about the cat pissing in the shoes in the hall. . If I had a cat I'd train it to do that .

Keep your chin up. We'll get through this all together.

Thanks wardrobe - feeling a bit better after offloading onto my sis (who has been through all this!)
Like your DH, mine tells me to leave her be "you need to let her get on with it, we've done all we can, let her fail if she wants to, stop getting so involved, blah, blah."
Oh, now you've said it, yeah, that's what I'll do. Idiot me.
This half-term week she's managed to have a shower. Twice. That's it. Oh, and immersed herself in the lives of the Kardashians. I know this as I've been off this week (work in school)
Well, I'll join you with that if you don't mind,
Yes, it was funny when the cat pissed in the trainers; didn't actually make them smell any worse.

Yes I'm with you two 3cats and wardrobe. Not the best of days. DD texted and rang last night, all upset with bf etc etc. Kept me up till all hours (I had to get up at 6 for work). Then texted this morning, all fine, not a mention of the fall out. Grrrrrrrrrr. Just leave me alone instead of dragging me in then pushing me away all the time!!! Sorry, I'm sure it'll be fine tomorrow. Just knackered.

This made me laugh!

Haha, nice one. Oh - and so is my bottle of wine!!

I have one of these, soooooo lazy it drives me insane. I laughed out loud at the urgency to do hoovering outside their rooms. Cos I do it too. I also turn the radio up full blast, just once or twice maybe, for my 'favourite' songs. I forget her room is right above the radio. Poor lamb, when she's trying to have a lie in.

We've been having an enormous on going battle for weeks about her determination to not get a job. I took advice about it, and was told that if she refuses to get paid work I should find her a voluntary job, like in a charity shop or something. They said set her a deadline, so I did and told her what would happen if we reached the deadline with no job. The deadline came and went. No job. So I got her a voluntary one, and she went absolutely crazy! Said no way, I couldn't force her to work for nothing. I told her I would drag her out of bed, and take her myself,and if she resisted I would stop all allowances including phone. In reality I didn't know if I could do it.

She came home today with a job. How long it lasts is another matter, but I suppose it's a start.

Hi gang. Just checking in. Already joined in with the . Cheers to a drama free weekend

That's good news ticktacktock! Good for you (and her). What job is it?

So, where's OP gone? We're just sitting here twiddling our thumbs Kiki!!
Well, I'm here, relatively relaxed, DH is out, DD and DS upstairs (nowhere near each other!!).

Today I've listened to DDs friends exclaiming that they don't know what to do with her anymore, she takes, and never gives back and they're fed up with her; and the in-laws who are threatening to come over (100 miles away) as they'll be able to "sort her out." Marvellous. Just what I need, changing beds and cooking all weekend.
D'you know what? I'm off up Beacon Fell tomorrow with the dog and a bottle of wine.
Cheers, wardrobe & peebles!!

Tick & Bah - welcome to Friday evening too! The p/t job situation is a bone of contention! The latest gem.
Me: "There's a job going at Greggs in town"
DD: "Pfft - I'm not selling bloody pasties".

I realise you probably don't know Beacon Fell, but it's very beautiful. and quiet. and isolated.)

Can I come?! I'm off to bed - knackered. And I might switch my phone off to avoid the bloody texts! Night all. Enjoy your wine

So early Peebles? Where's yer stamina, woman!! Joking! Sweet dreams! x

Hi. I'm still around folks. Just lurking and observing and still battling on. Still a bit up and down and a constant battle to try and motivate dd.

I really like those links from Beezles. Gonna print them out for future reference.

See y'all later.

Ooh, must look at those links! (too busy drinking wine and ranting!!)
Nite everyone, may you all have a restful sleep - tomorrow is another day.

For the last few days I have been feeling uncharacteristically pessimistic. DD17 (two years of depression, self harm, eating problems, alcohol etc) isn't really behaving any differently but I am beginning to think what if she doesn't get better? She is pleasant enough when she's around but still sleeping all day and up all night. She looks thinner than ever and I think the eating disorder has a very firm hold at the moment. Having dropped out of school and several jobs she has said she feels she needs to do some voluntary work and I arranged a meeting for her on Thursday but she didn't go. Mostly I can take a deep breath and have faith that she will eventually pick herself up. She is on a different antidepressant and there were initially encouraging signs but not so sure now. The difference though is that I'm beginning to lose hope. After all, some teens don't make it do they? What if she's one of them? What if, after all this time, her heart gives out, or she does some drug or other that kills her or she just decides to end it all herself? I've been off work this week and although I've had plenty to do, all I have done is thought about her every minute of the day and got more and more hopeless as the week has gone on. Really feel on the edge of going completely under. Any ideas for getting myself out of this spiral?

Anyone you can talk to IRL Clare? Have you had any support/counselling/medication over the past two years? All I can say is you aren't alone and it's so very draining, isolating, tiring, emotionally demanding - and you have to be the strong one all the time, 24 hours, coz you're their mum. And no one understands unless they've been there - they just wonder why you're 'babying' your DD so much. It's like being on call the whole time. It's bloody, bloody hard and you're bound to feel like this sometimes. Keep talking on here, it might help. Try not to despair.

Cognitive behaviour therapy really helped me Clare.
I too worry myself stupid over DDs future, her physical & mental health. How will she ever stick uni, a job, a relationship? She's so immature, unpredictable, a 'loose cannon'.

My DH tells what I NEED to do, detach, detach, but how?? How?
He deals with it quietly, I over-share; who's right?
I get so much support from these threads, Clare, I hope you can too. No-one's got a magic wand, but we know we're heard, and we can rant here to our hearts content, without fear of our RL friends getting pissed off! Keep posting!

Hope you are doing ok today Clare. Sometimes it just all piles on top of you and its understandable as it sounds as if you have been through a lot with your dd.

Can I ask you about CBT 3cats? Was this therapy specifically on the subject of the problems with your dd or was it about changing the way you deal with things in general. I feel like a bit of a fool talking to someone about my dd and the stuff going on with her. Its a bit too personal and it feels a bit trivial sometimes when you speak in RL about things people see as just teenage shenanigans. They offer telephone guided cbt on the nhs in my area, which I have done, but it was just about things in general, and not specific problems, and I didn't really engage with it.

I am really relating to the stuff in the links from Beezles. I'm going to have to get that book (to add to my collection of parenting teen books ).

I am particularly liking the bit on attribution of feelings and that we shouldn't blame dcs for how we feel emotionally. Sounds daft when I try to explain in but this chap puts it so much better than me. Some wise words there that I hope I can take notice of.

Back to college tomorrow and all the grief that brings . Hope everyone is doing OK tonight.

Bah - when I took DD to the GPs last year following continued meltdowns and risky behaviour, he prescribed her some mild ADs and a course of CBT with their in-house therapist. The GP asked me to stay behind after my DDs appt (she left the room) and he suggested I could also benefit from CBT.

We were both put on the waiting list and attended separate sessions. I went first, and was able to explain to the therapist just how my DDs behaviour is affecting me.
Her session came next and as she's such a closed book, the therapist said that my intervention helped him when he was treating her.
He then suggested joint sessions where he mediated between us. I'm not sure if this was a bit unconventional, but it was very useful for us both to offload in a neutral environment and get advice from the therapist (who really became a counsellor)
I think the sessions helped me, more than DD, as she didn't follow and embrace his ideas as much as I did.

3cats that sounds really good. I'm thinking of getting some counselling via my workplace but that would be just for me. I often think it would be really useful to be able to talk to DD with a 'mediator' though DD won't agree to it. We have had a better day today. I also liked the links Bezzles gave but I still can't get my head round not being affected by DD. I don't blame her for how I feel, and i know it's my issue, but how do I stop the feelings? Also, the whole, let them make their own mistakes stuff - I can't help thinking that stuff is written by people who haven't ended up in A&E four times in the last two years. Thanks for the support though people. Hope you've all had a good day.

Clare - it wasn't easy to get DD to go the therapist, but I think at the time she was pretty desperate to feel better. She only went for 3 or 4 sessions then refused to go again as it "wasn't working" for her. But I still think she got something out of it. I carried on with my sessions. You've got to really want it to work. It's all about changing your way of thinking and adopting a different outlook.

Luckily we had a brilliant therapist, who called a spade a shovel, swore freely and disappeared for regular fag breaks in-between sessions. He wasn't what I was expecting, but his approach worked.

Letting them make their own mistakes. All very well - but DDs mistakes involved some risky behaviour and downright foolishness which impacted on many people. Has she learned from any of these mistakes? - NO.
I'm forever waiting for the next drama/meltdown/fallout.

Sorry, I do go on!! I run away with my thoughts on here! Night all,

3cats, you've hit the nail on the head about therapy only working if you want to change. I don't think DD does. In fact, I think she just sees herself as getting slowly worse until something happens and she dies. She's doesn't appear to be actively suicidal, just without any hope for the future. I guess that is depression at its worst. There are tiny signs that the change of antidepressants may be having a small effect so fingers crossed. I feel a bit stronger today, not more positive, just more resigned to keeping going. I have started a creative hobby which is taking my mind off things really well. Also, back to work tomorrow which is probably better than being at home thinking.

3cats and Clare it sounds as if you have really had a tough time with your dds. I know what you mean about the "experts" giving advice about parenting but when you are in the thick of it, in the real world, it isn't so easy.

I am finding it so hard to detach, which is why I am on edge most of the time and worrying myself into a state frequently. So although I can relate to the advice, and like the sound of it, I cannot seem to apply it to myself. I've got a few books about teens and yes in fantasy teenage world it all works wonderfully but it the real world it doesn't

Best thing we can do is rant and support each other on here