Teens affecting your mental health?

[KikiTheFrog]

So I am a worrier. Always have been but events this past year with dd16 have worn me down and I basically feel like shit a lot of the time, depending on the current state of play with dd. Nothing drastic or too bad has happened luckily, but Ive had days off work becsuse ive been too upset to go in, lost weight through not eating and sleep badly. All through dealing with her and sorting out her problems when necessary.
I suppose its not fair to blame her for how I'm feeling because its the way i react thats the problem, but if she didn't do, or not do, all those things or say all that stuff then I wouldn't be upset and anticipating the next disappointment. Yes I'm probably a bit depressed and have actually referred myself for therapy but am I the only one like this?

Some excellent words on this thread. I will try and take some of the advice.
Certainly true in my house that girls are more dramatic than boys.
I did read Get out of my life earlier in the year. Some good points in it but I didn't really connect with it the first time. I shall have to read it again I think to help me with dd16. I wish she could see things from my/our point of view. She was up all night on the laptop apparently sorting out a friend with some problem. That's what its like though, everyone else's feelings and needs come first. I don't think its unreasonable to tell her to go to sleep at 3 am but I am babying her she says!
We are at the bottom of the list and we can't even discuss anything as she gets angry. This is only with me, dh and ds whom she can't control herself. Apparently she has a "problem". I could give her a list of her " problems"!
I find myself longing for the day she moves out and feel awful about this as well.
I have lost count if the times this year I have been in tears over her and currently I have real trouble sleeping. So yes indeed she is affecting my mental health.

Brilliant thread. This is me. We've had a crap year with dd15 (controlling emotionally abusive bf with involvement of SS and police, then his suicide six weeks ago) and I was very over anxious about her even before this . I ended up having three months off work with stress, much of it related to my anxiety about her. Prozac helped me eventually as I really was right on the edge. Things are still difficult now but I am more relaxed about it and the house is definitely calmer. There is light at the end of the tunnel!!

Hedgehog, I know what you mean about them spending all night sorting out a friend's problem! We had huge problems with a friend who would post dramatic threats online and DD being hysterical. I told the mother who refused to believe me until I sent her the screenshots. Fingers crossed we all have a better year. The last two have been shit and tense and horrible.

Yes the last year has been shit here as well. Fingers crossed 2016 will be better!

I'm joining this bandwagon too! Dreadful year with DD's anxiety and depression just getting worse and worse. She is now on medication. Too early to tell if it will help, and still waiting for her to get to the top of the never ending CAMHS waiting list! I can't currently see any way out of this - feel like I'm at the end of a very dark tunnel. I wish I had wise words for others struggling with troubled teens, but unfortunately I don't. I just hope that all of us find 2016 brings some respite.

I have a DS just 19 who is a dream, always has been.

I have a DD 16 who drives me mad with her attitude to me. I have also made decisions that MN would thoroughly disapprove of and have felt a bit ashamed at her huge independence and some of the things she does unchecked or rather checked but does them anyway ! Fortunately after years of problems at school and definite gender confusion she's happier at at college and over time I have learnt to detach from what I can't control and leave her to it which has reduced a lot of conflict.

After some posts I feel a bit pathetic writing this but the thing I hate is the disdain for observing meal times eg when I've cooked she's going out but if I haven't bothered then "there's never any food in this house" or her washing when I've asked her to be more thoughtful and produce less but she just carries on regardless and back chats me if I complain. On that one I'm drawing a line and telling her from new year she'll do her own but even that I predict will cause rows because she'll put on a wash with one pair of trousers in or leave damp,stuff in the machine

I wonder if a lot of it is being a single Mum of six years and feeling fed up with doing absolutely everything on my own and not having a DH here who can back me up and help exert some authority

Anyway yes it affects my mental well being and when she's away I feel less on edge and I often think I can't wait for her to leave home but feel like a bitch

Yeah I've had the issue with DD 'sorting out friends' problems' since she was about 13 (17 now). Quite frankly I do wonder if it contributed to her anxiety/panic attacks. She led a fairly sheltered little village life up until secondary school. She would be desperate not to give us her phone on a night when younger ('it's important'!). I now know she was talking various friends out of harming themselves etc. She broke down in tears at age 15 and told me this. Wish she'd told me at the time, I might have been more understanding. She's still running around after BF and various friends now. Admirable I'm sure, but it doesn't do her any good I feel. And yes - they all come before us, as I told her this week when we fell out. I felt bad about saying it, don't usually pull the emotional parent card, but actually it did have some effect.

I did read "Get out of my life" earlier in the year. I wasn't too sure about it tbh. I suppose it explains why they sometimes behave as they do but is it not just making excuses for them? I will have to read it again.

Yes dd is always sorting out someone else's problems at 3 am .

Just when you think things are getting a bit better another drama happens and knocks everything back again. Dd and dh not speaking/ignoring each other again which makes things more than tense at home. That's when she is even at home.

Yeah I just cried all the way home from work (I rarely cry). DD 17 promised to stay home Sun, Mon and tonight as has exams each morning. This is because she's on meds that are making her ultra sleepy and I was worried she wouldn't get up in time for her exams. Also would've been nice to see a bit of revision happening but you can't have everything can you? Sunday: fine, as good as her word. Last night: expected her to be home when I got in from work. She texted at 9.30pm to say she'd fallen asleep at low life boyfriend's flat. 'Fine' says I (remaining calm) just drive home now. Text at 1.30am: sorry, fell asleep again. I was extremely pissed off and told her so. Promises followed to get up on time today, come home after exam and revise for tomorrow. She also had a doc's appt pm. Text as I leave work: missed doc's appt. at low life boyfriend's again, going to have a couple of hours sleep then come home. Rang her: why haven't you come home already? Why have you gone there at all? You'll fall asleep till 2am now and we'll have a repeat performance. She hung up. I'm so sick of it all. Have decided to tell her she can live with him (she pretty much does anyway) and I'm not giving her any more help ('nagging') whatsoever. For my own sanity. I'm so upset. I've lost her to a horrible world of drugs and no ambition when she's capable of so much more. DH doesn't help, either gets thoroughly wound up or stays distant otherwise he'd kill her! All my friends seem to have perfect kids with perfect partners and good work ethics. I feel I can't talk to anyone about it. I'm sorry Kiki, all I've done is moan about myself but it helps me to read threads where others are going through similar. Where does your DD go, when you say she's rarely home?

Peebles moan all you like. I've been on the verge of tears all day at work. Dd and dh are so angry with each other and neither will make the first move. Neither can see the others point of view. Dd wants to be treated as an adult when it suits her but won't act like one. Then again dh is the adult and he should act like one as well. I know if she had somewhere to go she would move out now.

She is just out all the time. Straight from college to some friends or anothers house usually. Gets back late, eats something then goes to her room. Really does treat this place like a hotel and can't wait to move out.

I'm sick of it all and am so stressed I could explode.

Oh God it's so awful isn't it? It's so hurtful that they seem to prefer to be anywhere other than home. Don't know what to advise about DD and DH as I haven't found an answer. It's 6 and two 3s in our house with those two. DD would have moved out ages ago if I wasn't here. All I can say is things usually improve in time. But it's so awful when they hit a low again.

I honestly don't know how I haven't had a heart attack by now. I am constantly on edge and the adrenaline makes my heart pound all the time. I get like this every night waiting for her to come in. Its bloody awful.

Dd has had exams this week as well and has done about half an hours revision. I don't see the point in being at college as she does no work. I wish she would just get a job and be done with it but she's too lazy.

Dh has detached from it all as much as he can. I feel sorry for him as he seems so deflated tonight.

Sorry. Feeling very fed up and sorry for myself.

Kiki, get some beta blockers from your GP. They don't take away the problem but they help the horrible symptoms.

I feel so bad as I only come to this thread when things are going badly and I want some support. But hey, here I am. We had a really lovely Christmas break, lots of family time, DD got on really well with her brothers but now - it's January and basically she's stopped eating again. I reckon she's averaging about 500 calories a day if that. She's quite cheerful but then she always is when she finds ways of self harming. We had such a great fortnight - I actually began to think maybe we could be a normal family again. But no, she still hates herself. I don't know what else to do. In fact, I just want to run away.

Don't worry clare. I just seem to post when I need support as well.

I haven't got much experience with this so can't really advise. Is the not eating a form of self harm? It must be horrendous for you and I really hope you are getting some support in real life.

Hopefully someone else will have some wise words for you but feel free to offload on here. I will be glad to listen at least

And thanks Poppy. I have thought of medication but I have been on it in the past and it didn't really help tbh. I've never tried beta blockers though but the pounding heart thing is not constant so not sure about this.

It is just awful that problems with dd have affected me so much. Its not really anything so bad but it just builds up over time and is never ending. I wish I could just relax and take things as they come instead of being so involved and anticipating the next "thing". I feel like I haven't got a life of my own at the moment.

I know Kiki. I do 'borrow trouble'. Now that I've calmed down a bit (and watched DD eat a half decent tea) I know that we go through this every few months or so and she usually comes out of it herself. But in my head we're already on our way to hospital ready for tube feeding (we really are a very long way off that). I've got to learn to deal with today and not worry about tomorrow.

I'm sorry you're all going through this too.

I've been getting palpitations, I think to do with the stress.

I've asked DD to do a small chore for me tonight and she flew off the handle. It's the first thing I've asked her to do in ages (I can't physically do it myself) and if she doesn't do it I'm sending her to live with her dad tomorrow. I think I might be looking for an excuse to send her. I don't know.

I really need to not take it all so personally but I don't know how. Had a bit of a meltdown last night

Propanolol, very good for stress and palpitations, not addictive, my Doc prescribes for me and a godsend at times when I feel I am about to die with the amount of stress and worry I have had to deal with concerning my two lads x

My friend has propranolol too and DD had it for a flight abroad. So I think I'm right in saying you take it as needed, rather than regularly, smileyforest? In which case it might help, Kiki, as you mentioned it's not a constant problem? Hope you are feeling a little better today after the meltdown. How are things now?
I've recovered from mine, thank goodness. Although the resolution was to back off and let her spend all her time at the boyfriend's and fail exams (potentially) - so not desirable! But I feel more settled and we made up. She's 18 soon, she either needs to step up or learn by failure. I'll be here for her either way.
DH also came up trumps and told me how things would look from her point of view and why she's making the choices she is, which helped a lot. He's not normally so reasonable when it comes to DD. Think he was shocked into it by my weeping!

I don't feel great tbh although we kind of sorted a few things out between me dd and dh as a result of my meltdown. Well came to a truce i suppose. Dd has seen how upset I am but seems to be carrying as normal. Out again with pals so not trying to make me feel better by coming in at a reasonable time!

I alternate between being upset and being angry.

Can I go to the docs and ask for propranaolol? Sounds better than antidepressants. Do they help you to sleep?

Yes Propanalol is only taken when needed. They help you relax, takes the edge off that horrid adrenaline feeling when your heart pounds with worry. It's a fact that more parents are suffering with their mental health coping with teenagers today.

I am getting that feeling more and more! Its horrible and its me doing this to myself. How does everyone cope?