Teens affecting your mental health?

[KikiTheFrog]

So I am a worrier. Always have been but events this past year with dd16 have worn me down and I basically feel like shit a lot of the time, depending on the current state of play with dd. Nothing drastic or too bad has happened luckily, but Ive had days off work becsuse ive been too upset to go in, lost weight through not eating and sleep badly. All through dealing with her and sorting out her problems when necessary.
I suppose its not fair to blame her for how I'm feeling because its the way i react thats the problem, but if she didn't do, or not do, all those things or say all that stuff then I wouldn't be upset and anticipating the next disappointment. Yes I'm probably a bit depressed and have actually referred myself for therapy but am I the only one like this?

In addition to all the other problems we have, DD has now started telling everyone we are deeply poor and how she has to worry about money all the time. This is not true at all and just stems from her not getting new iPhone/unlimited pocket money. She posts online like some tragic Victorian urchin and gets so much sympathy and hugs etc. Reality is very different.

I was following this thread and some how it stopped sending me notifications.
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Had another prime example yesterday of how my emotions are unhealthily tied up with DDs. Having had a fairly quiet week I took myself off for a long walk yesterday morning and came back feeling cautiously positive. DS then informed me that he's heard DD crying for about 45 mins last night - I was instantly plummeted into despair, fearing the worst and feeling like nothing was ever going to get better. I knew it was stupid to feel like this but couldn't stop it. Later, when I managed to speak to DD it turned out to be something quiet small and had already been sorted so then I was all cheerful again. I just can't seem to detach my feelings from how things are going with DD even though I'm really trying. How do people do it?

Clare I really don't know the answer to that one. I cannot seem to detach from dd either. If things are good with her then I'm good too. I know I have to step back and let her get on with things, and make mistakes, but I can't seem to. I want to give her advice and guide her when i can see she is messing up, but she sees this as interfering and it just causes upset (me mostl

I suppose the plus side is that she won't follow your advise and will make her own mistakes anyway so she'll still be learning! My DD is supposed to be meeting a friend today but is not having a great day so I don't think she'll go. I am having to stop myself from making helpful suggestions every ten seconds that might get her out the door. So far I have offered a vitamin C drink, brisk walk, chocolate milkshake, soak in the bath, shower with my new citrus shower gel... I actually want to club myself over the head so goodness knows how she's feeling.

WOW!!! What an eye opener this thread is. I'm going back for a proper read in a mo. Have only read the first few posts and am almost excited to learn I am not alone - not that I would wish this awful stress and anxiety on anyone. I really thought I was an abnormal mum and no one else felt like me.

I often wish I could be as chilled out or as "level headed" as other mums of teens. I really struggle to let go and le DD14 (DD17) do their thing. I do stand back as much as possible as I dont want to make them them weird kids not allowed the normal freedoms but i can make myself sick with nerves.

We have had a horrendous year as a family. 2 x 200 mile house moves, cancer, illness, DH turning into a super workaholic, teen stresses and dramas. Compared to what some go through with their teens I am lucky but its not without its drama and tears here - mine and theirs. I just dont seem to be able to cope with the challenges of parenting teens as well as would like. I spend alot of time hand wringing and crying - alone and out of sight. I take to heart the back chat despite recalling crystal clear I used to speak to my mum the same and knowing that it was for no apparent reason!!! I hate being a mum to teens. Its just too hard most of the time.

What a fabulous post Beezles - alot of that applies to me for sure.

Off to have a proper read of the thread now. I'm relieved there are others like me out there. I've felt so bleak and alone with these issues and problems its a revelation others feel the same.

Ha ha. Yes the helpful suggestions don't go down too well here either. And I hover around her when she's home which obviously drives her nuts. I'm trying not to do that any more .

Its best just to keep out of the way and let them come round in their own time. I should follow my own advice here .

Hi Lemonski. You are definitely not alone here. Join us and have a good moan

Apologies for place marking but I haven't got time to read now and I don't want to lose the thread.

Currently waiting to see camhs for one of mine. I am crying most days. The simplest of things causes a three hour explosion and I'm worn down by it.

Place marking also, feel for you Powerfail, hope camhs help. Yes to long rants, god they're so draining and upsetting. And yet sometimes, he leaves me a crying, shrivelled up wreck and he asks why I'm crying and what's wrong???

Gave up on camhs/going thro school as still waiiting weeks on and he needed immediate help. So he sees someone privately which fortunately can currently afford but not long-term.

I was just having another read of this thread and identified with something Clare1971 said about her emotions being unhealthily tied up with her dds. I am exactly the same when it comes to dd here and its bordering on the insane. I am totally wrapped up in her life. And most if the time she hates it.

For example, she came in yesterday feeling poorly, aches and pains, high temperature and she was upset about feeling rotten ( she's an awful patient to start with!), but I was plummeted into despair because she was unhappy and ill. I've fussed over her ever since and because she is upset then I am doubly so. I even took the day off work as I was so worried. I am lucky that my job is so flexible that I can do this but I rang in sick myself to save myself the embarrassment of explaining why I wanted time off. Again. Its OK coz I only get paid for what I work as I'm freelance, sort of.

This isn't normal behaviour is it? She has got a cold or some sort of virus but my imagination takes me elsewhere.

I need some help here but don't know what. Is anyone else affected to this extent? I need to know its not just me.

What timing. I am having a particularly bad day of this today.

My whole bloody life seems to revolve around DD Kiki! I'm a nurse so don't get overly worried about the constant illnesses (maybe I don't worry enough), but I'm massively tied up with her emotionally and I also adjust work when I need to/can to fit with her needs. My mood is totally affected by her. I do make time for myself and for me and DH though. Because she's at her bf's such a lot I tend to skip the two evening activities I do regularly if she deigns to come home those nights. But tonight she's home and I made myself go. You have to have your own life and it's probably not doing her any good. She texted me though: 'where are you?' It's very difficult. You are not alone!

Thanks Peebles. I've never known anybody moan so much when they are ill. She's got quite a bad cold but ffs its only a cold and she's behaving ridiculously, asking for pain relief all the time and quite frankly in a strop because she is stuck in when everyone else is out. She didnt mind so much this afternoon as she got out of college but tonight she thinks she is missing out.And I'm getting the brunt of it. Talk about a drama queen!

I really don't know why I'm this way with her. I need to start doing things for me but its like I am on standby for her, if that makes sense. She couldn't care less what I do so I might as well do something for me.

I apologise folks. Feeling sorry for myself, fed up with dd and needed a rant. Fingers crossed she is feeling better tomorrow so I can relax a bit and not have to pretend to be ill myself to get time off work to sort her out

Please help? My ds "best friend " came to stay for the weekend & it was hell!.
His mum is my best friend, & the boys have known each other most of their lives. BUT this boy is Really nasty & rude to my son & when challenged just blames my son for winding him up. He slags off everything my son likes, from his pets to him clothes to the way he uses instagram. He tells him hes crap at football & he has no friends, neither of which are true, this boy is really unpleasant to be around, rude to adults & mean to other kids in the park. He told his own mum to go & die & thus shocks my son. My son is no angel & can swear at times But I just wish he'd drop this kid like toxic waste, yet he still sees him as a best friend. My worry is he's learning to accept abuse as normal & this will affect him later in life?? An advice gratefully received

I can't tell you how useful all of this is. My DS is 15 and at times he's the most wonderful generous boy. Other times he's the most rude, arrogant, deceitful boy on the planet. The problem is I never know which boy is coming home from school! We had 'words' the other day as he's taken me off his facebook friend list and when I start talking about internet safety he has a right go at me. I know that there are worse things that could be happening, but last night his parting word to my husband (his dad) when being told about leaving his laptop on to charge his phone was "why should I have to listen to her anyway". My sane and rational head keeps telling me its his hormones and its a phase - he'll grow out of it, but that doesn't stop it hurting while you're going through it. I think I'll keep an eye on this thread as it's helping me to put it back into perspective. I think one of the problems is that I'm self employed, so don't see many people during the day, so I can't really talk to anybody about this! Thank you MN.

Hello. My problem is that, apart from being over involved generally, I take on dds worries and perceived problems as my own.

I can't stand the thought of her being unhappy, ill, hurt and I do tend to worry too much, far too much, about her. Unfortunately she is always complaining to me about things, aches and pains, various symptoms and I hate it as she stresses and moans and it then stresses me out. I don't see her a great deal as she's out most of the time but when I do its like "by the way my back is killing me!" Or something like that. Then I worry.

I don't know what I'm trying to say here but yes they affect my mental health and thanks.

However, its unfair to blame everything on dd as its my issue. Even though she is a pain

My nearly 15yo dd depresses me and stresses me out in equal measures. The lovely girl I had until a few months ago seems to have disappeared and is now utterly vile.

This morning for example I went to make sure she was awake and was greeted with "put my clothes on my bed and fuck off". She frequently says she doesn't like me, wishes she doesn't live here, can't wait to leave, etc.

Its hurtful when they lash out. Dd is nearly 17 and we've had all that " I hate it here and can't wait to leave" as well. Apparently you have to not take it all so personally but I haven't yet learnt how to do this.

I don't react to any of it. Just let her rant. Keep smiling.

Hi all. I have been ground down with one thing or another till I've cracked tonight. So disappointed. Dd is so clever but just can't be bothered with anything, apart from fun stuff. She is totally messing up at college as she can't be bothered to work. Currently in first year of 6th form but wants to leave after her exams in the summer. She is going to hate working as well as she will have to be there 9 till 5. With rubbish amounts of holidays. She is not thinking clearly, only thinking she hates college so in her mind a job will be better.

It is such a waste as she has so much potential and so I am sitting here in floods of tears! Wtf is wrong with me?

Ahh chocolate it's so horrible when you're going through a bad time with them. Been there and will no doubt be there again before too long. Would it work if you suggested she keep her options open at college, but get a full time job as soon as exams are over with the understanding she probably isn't going back? Then hopefully she'll hate it and go back in Sept? Could well backfire of course, but just a thought. On the other hand she may rise to the occasion and do very well at work? She can always go back to education later. I do know how you feel though. DD in upper 6th and although I've kept an open mind re: leaving (discussed it only last week) I secretly want her to complete her A-levels. Take care

Thank you Peebles. That sounds like a good plan.

I just wish she would try her best to pass these exams. If she would only try her best, I could ask no more than that. She seems to have just given up.

I don't know why I am so upset though. Its not the end of the world but I seem to have become obsessed with her lazyness and poor work ethic. I've gone a bit loopy over it all

Oh I'm the same. I try and be cool about it and I know there are so many more important things in life. Plus she has other stuff that needs focusing on more (mentioned on other threads). But I just can't help wanting her to suddenly knuckle down like a total swot and pass with flying colours, haha! She has improved slightly recently so I am not going to moan. But you are not alone!