Teens affecting your mental health?

[KikiTheFrog]

So I am a worrier. Always have been but events this past year with dd16 have worn me down and I basically feel like shit a lot of the time, depending on the current state of play with dd. Nothing drastic or too bad has happened luckily, but Ive had days off work becsuse ive been too upset to go in, lost weight through not eating and sleep badly. All through dealing with her and sorting out her problems when necessary.
I suppose its not fair to blame her for how I'm feeling because its the way i react thats the problem, but if she didn't do, or not do, all those things or say all that stuff then I wouldn't be upset and anticipating the next disappointment. Yes I'm probably a bit depressed and have actually referred myself for therapy but am I the only one like this?

Good advice Peebles. I've got one the same here who can't be arsed and couldn't give a shit. She could be getting straight A's and be off to uni, but doesn't want to work.

I have been quite despairing of it all myself just lately. I had a bit of a cry earlier on but dh thinks I'm mad and should just leave her to get on with it. I agree that its just so very disappointing when there is so much potential.

I am such a worrier when it comes to dds life and i get too emotional by far. Ive got a bit of a cheek trying to give advice when im no good myself, but try and keep things in perspective and focus on the good things - if you can find any . And you are not alone.

I have found my people! (hi Peebles)
DD18 definitely affects my mental health (has done for years before she became a teen)

Lazy, disrespectful, no motivation, huge rages, normally aimed at me; stays out all night (I know she's 18, but if she says she's coming in and doesn't, I worry. I'd worry if DH didn't come home too!!)

I seem to be surrounded by friends with teens who adore them; study hard and achieve, work part-time, eat healthily and exercise, whereas mine lives in a shit-tip of a bedroom, sleeps in (on days off from college and weekends) til 3-4pm, eats rubbish, doesn't do any exercise, does bare minimum of college work, can't seem to find a part-time job, and when I challenge her on these things, I get a mouthful of abuse.

I get upset when people say to me "only another few months, and she'll be away at uni, then she'll appreciate you".
I don't want all this when she's gone, I want it now. I don't want her to have to leave to become a nice human being.
She can be lovely; she's quirky, fun and has a cracking sense of humour, but I'm emotionally worn by her.
I NEED to detach, leave her be (as DH says), stop worrying and over-thinking. But how??
DS16, however, is great; (and I'm constantly aware that I can't compare them!)

3cats I am trying desperately to detach. Mine is a year younger than yours but unfortunately has no desire to go to uni so I haven't even got that to look forward to. From what you say they could be the same person!

Plenty of perfect kids around here too. I have even stopping meeting a friend of mine as I am fed up of hearing how well her dd is doing at school and how lovely she is. I was leaving feeling depressed every time, comparing her to my dd. That's awful of me I think but it was getting me down.

Everything you say, mine is just the same plus add into this that she is NEVER home. I see so little of her that I can't comment on whether mine is a lovely person. Even when she is at home she spends all her time in her room. I am very hurt by it all.

It makes me feel so much better hearing similar stories to mine. Thank you.

I have exhausted all conversation in RL about dd. Dh is sick of me stressing about her all the time and I've stopped talking to friends and colleagues about her as they too must be fed up with me. So that leaves MN and thank goodness I found this place and the equally stressed people here. I'm getting a bit obsessed with it though and have to stop myself posting all the time as you will all think I'm nuts . But it feels so good to be able to pour your heart out and be supported by people who know what I am going through.

I'll probably be back later with more but if you are fed up with me as well, I apologise, but MN is saving my sanity just now

No Bahamarama you must keep posting if it helps. It also helps us because we can relate - so you offloading is actually doing us a favour too!
I am totally with you all on the avoiding friends with perfect teens IRL, and being sick of my DD being the topic of conversation (eg: how's your DD? - concerned look. Or: 'is she still seeing that boy?' - barely concealed smirk). I have one close friend in particular who has a DD exactly the same age as mine and her world centres around her DD and how wonderful she is. I'm sick of hearing it! But then I feel bad coz she has been a good friend to me and listened etc. MN is a lifeline!

PS. Possibly being thick - what is Bahamarama??!

Ha ha. Nothing. Its just a name up name. Everything I tried was taken when I joined .

I know what you mean about the perfect friends dds. I would prefer it if my friends dcs were as twatty as mine as I wouldn't feel so bad but I don't want to hear so and so wants to be a forensic scientist and is working so hard! I'm totally jealous

All I seem to talk to friends and family about is DD; it seems to be my default. I don't want her to dominate everything. And yes , I get the " how's DD at the moment, things any better?" whilst knowing they're thinking "thank god that's not me!" I don't want people to think of her as a problem, and feel sorry for us, or be thinking "well, I wouldn't put up with that!"

She says all I do is nag and have a go at her; well don't give me any reason to then!!!

She contributes very little to the house; but has this entitled air about her that we haven't nurtured. Why??

I'm now going to make a very large G&T, thank you for listening!

That's so funny Bahamarama - forensic science is exactly what my friend's perfect DD is going to do at uni! Maybe I know you IRL?! Though I suspect we'd have latched on to each other by now if I did!
Go for it 3cats! Gin sounds good to me. I also relate to DD being the main topic of convo with family. But I suppose it's very nice that they care. We're probably having bad days (AGAIN). I'm sure I've seen all three of you giving good and calm advice on here, so you must have occasional glimpses of light at the end of the tunnel. I just wish they were more frequent. Tonight DD is out AGAIN. She has texted me a series of sad faces and said she'll 'explain when she sees me'. God knows what's coming. Could be anything from being kicked out of college to breaking a nail. Where's the gin?!!

Hello again,

I just found this and it perfectly describes the over attachment I feel. They describe it as 'enmeshment'. A short read of two articles was very very helpful. Hope it helps you too:

www.psychologytoday.com/blog/surviving-your-childs-adolescence/201411/emotional-detachment-when-parenting-adolescents

and

www.psychologytoday.com/blog/surviving-your-childs-adolescence/201312/detachment-theory-parenting-adolescents

I might even get the book!

xx

I hope for your sake it's a minor trauma in DDs life tonight!
I'm a bit meh about Forensic Science degrees - these kids have been watching too much CSI !!
I'm not even convinced DD will actually go to uni; shes so immature and what's really driving her is not to study and achieve, but to get away from us (me!) and live her own life without boundaries! Hah!!

There are indeed glimmers of light when things are going relatively smoothly, but I'm always on edge, waiting for the next rage/demand/meltdown.

What does she want to do at uni? Has she applied? Had any offers? She might rise to the occasion when she gets there, lots of people do.
Good news about DD's drama - she thinks her and the bf are splitting up. She's coming home. Been here before and she 'gave him another chance' so I won't get too excited. But you never know.

Thanks Beezles. Those articles are excellent. I need a psychologist like him to sit me down and tell me to get a grip on myself. I might get the book as well.

Fingers crossed dd kicks the boyfriend into touch "Peebles*

Nah she's 'giving him another chance'. Sigh. Never mind, will keep plodding on.

Peebles - she's already doing an Art Foundation locally, and has 2 interviews an hour or so away (in different directions)
She plans on doing Fine Art or Illustration. She's definitely got the talent, what bothers me is her lack of passion and effort.
I worry about her immaturity, and her sometimes fragile mental health (I think we've talked about this in another thread??)
At least it would get her away from ex-bf, who caused a lot of her meltdowns. They're not together, but you know, same town, too close for comfort.
I shouldn't have had that large gin last night, followed by another one!

I expect dd will spend the day in bed doing nothing today. I sent her a cheeky little text asking her to do some work and I expect she will respond with a "fuck off" or words to that effect. I can't help myself giving her a little nudge though.

Beezles - great articles! Makes you realise it's all a natural process and we just have to get on with it. And to think what we were most worried about having children was nappies and sleepless nights.. how naïve we were.....

DDs just got up (early for her!)
I think she might have been disturbed by the urgent hoovering I had to do for 40 minutes. Poor lamb.
I take a very immature delight in pounding up and down stairs, emptying the dishwasher in a clattering fashion, actively encouraging the dog to bark at any passer-by, all whilst having 'Homes under the Hammer' on at full blast. God, that feels better, and I've got loads done!!

Yes 3cats I've just done some urgent hoovering here too. Dd is up but still in PJ's and there is another pair of shoes in the hall. Boyfriend is obviously here but she hasn't bothered telling me. I'm going to need to hoover the landing upstairs outside her room now .

This is also me. I've been suffering with severe depression for at least six months, dd16 has just been diagnosed with depression and I am struggling everyday not to end up in a psychiatric hospital. I nearly begged my gp to have me admitted two weeks ago as the stress at home was too much, it feels like I am living in an abusive relationship.
I have bought her up as a single parent and she is an only child, I feel like an utter failure.

Russell - you are NOT a failure.
You're struggling with your own mental health as well as your DDs, and you've done this alone. It must feel incredibly isolating.

I have anxiety and my DD, well who knows what her reasons are for her often despicable attitude & behaviour! Anxiety? Aspergers? or is she simply a difficult madam who quite enjoys upsetting the household?
I have the luxury of a supportive DH and a lovely DS, who keep me sane!
Are you on meds, had counselling?

Bahamarama - oh yes, the extra shoes in the hall - always lovely surprise!
The cat pee'd in them once.

Thank you for the flowers 3cats I've been on AD's for over 20 years, dosage was increased 4 months ago and I had some counselling 9 years ago. I'm due to start Cognitive Behaviour Therapy in 3 weeks then more counselling to follow. DD has also been offered counselling which she says she wants. She's been out with a friend this evening and is now singing downstairs whilst playing on xbox. I'm trying not to break down upstairs.

Oh Russell, I do sympathise. Do you have support, family/friends?
Have you had CBT before? I found it very helpful; I think it depends on your therapist, and it very much depends on you wanting it to work; but do take advantage of it ( it was the only time I could be really honest about my feelings)

Thanks 3cats, my family have never really "done" emotional/practical support and I guess I feel too ashamed to admit to friends how bad it can get at home, and guilty for not being able to give her the support she needs right now.
Just reading everyone's posts on here this evening has helped me feel less isolated.
I also understand the huge delight in doing noisy diy at 1.30pm knowing it will wake her up