Teens affecting your mental health?

[KikiTheFrog]

So I am a worrier. Always have been but events this past year with dd16 have worn me down and I basically feel like shit a lot of the time, depending on the current state of play with dd. Nothing drastic or too bad has happened luckily, but Ive had days off work becsuse ive been too upset to go in, lost weight through not eating and sleep badly. All through dealing with her and sorting out her problems when necessary.
I suppose its not fair to blame her for how I'm feeling because its the way i react thats the problem, but if she didn't do, or not do, all those things or say all that stuff then I wouldn't be upset and anticipating the next disappointment. Yes I'm probably a bit depressed and have actually referred myself for therapy but am I the only one like this?

How do you stop yourself becoming so involved and, in my case, obsessed with them messing up and failing.

It bothers me greatly that dd is clearly messing up at 6th form as she does no work and that she would rather be out all the time, anywhere, other than at home. I can't stop myself going on at her about it which is causing a great amount of problems in our household. I have to just let her get on with it and fail if she wants to but I don't know how to.

I have lowered my expectations greatly and now expect not much. I would like her to study more, come in at a reasonable time and spend at least one night a week at home with no friends here. Is that really too much to ask? It appears it is . I have many more things I would change but, as I said, my expectations have become very low

So I am in the same boat as you are OP.

Sorry about moaning. I have a lot to be grateful for as I know people are dealing with a lot more than me.

Glad you have at least reached a truce Kiki. I know what you mean about feeling upset/angry by them carrying on as before when they know it upsets you. That's why everything blew up with us earlier in the week. I do remember when my DM got upset, though, I didn't know how to deal with it at all. Hated it, wanted to run a mile, couldn't even bear to hug her, left it all to my older sister to sort (to be fair I think she was the main cause, haha! My sin just seemed to be doing no housework). So I remember that when considering my DD. It doesn't make it right, I know. DH also said he was out all the time and failing (failed actually, but eventually did really well) at her age. Anything his parents said just washed over him. White noise. Irrelevant. So I guess it helps us to remember ourselves at her age. But maybe you were a nicer creature at 16/17 !
I hope the tablets help if you get them. I've been sceptical about antidepressants in the past but they've helped my DD so might be worth considering. Worth a discussion with your GP anyway. Or Mindfulness?? Supposed to be very good and no drugs involved.

Curiousflannel, I wish I had the answer! We also lowered expectations to 'please come home two nights a week'. She'd roll in at 1am, errrrr - not what we meant! I've had endless discussions with myself, DH and friends about how it really doesn't matter if she fails. She can still do well in life. Or she can pick up her education again if she wants in the future. I stepped back from involvement in Oct, and told her so (nicely), everything improved. She came home more. She went to see her tutors off her own bat, wrote to do lists, got enthusiastic. Then never 'to do- ed' any of it!! She has no self discipline whatsoever. I got all involved again over her UCAS form as I could see her missing the deadline, she complied (probably as a result of things improving between us), but then I got over involved again over mocks this week. Everything went pear shaped again. She didn't come home and didn't do a scrap of revision. I think she gave me an inch and I took a yard. So I've backed off again - we'll see.
It really is so hard and frustrating. Especially when they're fully capable. So I feel for you I really do. But at the moment I feel backing off is the answer, for us at least.

I'm re-reading get out of my life and starting my teenage brain. I'm waiting for the lightbulb moment

I need something to calm me down but I feel a bit stupid going to the docs and telling them I am feeling crap because of stuff going on with dd. I am reluctant to take antidepressants as I know they take a while to kick in, can make you feel worse to start with and once things with dd improve, I will feel better anyway. I'm just making excuses I know but I really don't want to go on them again. On the other hand I feel like shit and must admit I am hitting the wine a bit too often.

I am due to start therapy shortly so hopefully that will help.

Dd is always moaning at me about something or other as well like aches and pains, and other health issues, which are probably/usually nothing but that sets me off again being worried and panicky. I've got real anxiety issues haven't I?

On the positive side, we are all getting on a bit better so that's a step in the right direct direction.

Well I understand about the worrying when they have physical symptoms or are ill. I love dd so much that the thought of anything being wrong with her sometimes sends me into a panic as well. She had a small operation a few years ago and I was a total wreck! There have been several times I have gone running to the gp with dd over headaches, sore ears, leg pains etc etc just to put my mind at rest. I just can't seem to help it so you are not alone there.

If you don't start improving though I think you might have to give in and at least talk to the gp about your options. And hopefully the therapy will help as well.

Peebles how do you keep so upbeat? I am just about on the floor with it all and things are better here as well! I am feeling sorry for myself and need to snap out of it but I don't know how. Tbh I am just and taking it all too personally.

Curious. I am sure I will start feeling better. So long as there are no more dramas with dd!

I think because I do get along well with her and I'm fairly secure of my relationship with her. This is not me criticising you at all, it's just you've mentioned rows etc. When they happen, that's when I get the most upset. I do have a lot to be down about with regard to her current lifestyle choices and bf, but a lot to be thankful for too in my life. I think (I hope I'm right) that she'll come through it all ok in the end. Having said that I'll be on here next week moaning again no doubt! I think she's older than your DD too. We've certainly had our moments re: strops and major shouting matches. And she's had some horrible rows with DH. Do you have other DCs? Can't remember if you've mentioned it? Glad things are a little better now. It is hard not to take it personally, I know.

I get so annoyed with her though. She thinks she can just do whatever she wants and roll in at whatever time she wants and that I should accept it and stop treating her like a baby! I've seen her for about 10 minutes since Friday as she has been staying at a friends. So she tells me! And she is still not in. I wish I had your attitude.

Yes exhausted by ds. So I exhausted that I can only say, to OP and all parents, I feel your pain. And I'm merely marking my place and will read in depth tomorrow.

i so understand what you mean.im housebound through illness and im sure its amplified how sensitive i am to how my son has been and all his problems.day after day we been through so much and i know im a nervous wreck.hes currently refusing to come home and too old to be brought back by police.his sister is more happy than i as she says its been so peaceful without him here and he was making her feel on edge all the time

Can I join? I never had any worries when DD was at her quiet village primary. I loved being her Mum.

But then she went to the big secondary in the city and was suddenly exposed to friends who self harmed, threw huge tantrums in the classroom and instigated constant faction fighting and arguing. I hate it.

DD is actually really easy to be around most of the time. She's quite thoughtful and well mannered. She's organised with school work and is doing well academicacademically and has lots of friends.

But she can get moody and I get sick of her being grumpy when DH and I try to involve her in family life. She just wants to be with her friends, or on her phone or laptop.

I really miss how pleased she used to be to go for a walk with us, or to be taken to the cinema. Now she tends to just give a polite shrug at best, or we get dark looks and grumbling at worse. She can still be really sweet at times and at heart she is a good girl but I am just too intolerant I think.

I love peace and quiet. I love a calm and tidy environment.. I hate stress and mess and bad atmospheres. So I was always going to struggle with a teen about the place.

It's not nearly as bad as some stories I read on here, but it is the constant drip drip that erodes your peace of mind.

I look forward to the time that DH and I can potter around again, doing our own thing without worrying that DD will be bored by it. I really look forward to not having to tidy up after her or having to second guess what mood she will be in.

Peebles, please don't give up on your daughter. Don't tell her she can live with her boyfriend. My daughter had a boyfriend like that and seems to be coming out the other side. God knows what the attraction is. Because he wasn't working (or not legitimately at any rate) she couldn't live with him because he wouldn't get as much money. She has always worked. There's obviously enough life in this guy's brain to know that he's better off getting his rent paid by the govt.

I think what helped was a conversation I had with my daughter when I told her that if she lived with him, their money would become shared. She wouldn't be able to have something nice because he will be spending her money. (She's a bit close with her money, so I played on that. I said that she couldn't heat just her side of the room. She wouldn't be able to eat something nice without also buying it for him. He would borrow money (I knew he'd done this already) for cigarettes and for alcohol and for money he owed dodgy mates. That would be her money. And she'd be going out to work and he'd be at home and he'd still be in bed when she got back. I knew that would annoy her.

I think a calm conversation where you point out the way your daughter's life will go won't have an immediate effect but will have a long-term effect. She will get fed up of him. You have to show her the future she'll have with him. She won't act fast in case, god forbid, you take the credit for it, but it will go in.

And yes, betablockers are amazing. They just make you feel normal.

I was feeling quite anxious but now just feel sad. Life with dd is just full of turmoil and disappointment at the moment. I'm sad she is never at home, that she would rather be out anywhere than be here and when she is here she is just in her room. The last time she sat in the lounge was Christmas day and before that I can't remember.

And I know she lies about where she is and what she is doing. That's normal I know but it is so easy to catch her out. I often turn a blind eye, just to keep the peace but it doesn't help me to trust her.

I seem to have no influence over her and my opinions are disregarded if they don't tie in with what she thinks or wants to do. And I am so unreasonable to expect her not to be out half the night at the weekend!

Her best friend has a wonderful relationship with her mother. Her mum probably knows more about my dd and what's going on with her than me, as her best friend tells her mum everything. They genuinely adore each other and I am jealous. I asked dd about a friend of hers ( a boy) and if there was something more going on as they spend a lot of time together. Just a friendly question I thought. I was told to mind my own business. That it was nothing to do with me. That hurts.

I might have said all of this before so excuse my middle of the night ramblings. Can't sleep as we've had another disagreement.

Thank you for that post imperial. I shan't give up hope. I haven't told her she can live with him and I won't. But in reality she does as she's there more than here. We live in a village about 10 miles away from him. His flat is down the road from her college, her work, and all her friends. So I can see the attraction as well as him of course. I'm very heartened by what you've said though, and there have been some promising signs recently. She's been home more often and said she likes it coz it's clean and warm and there's food and she doesn't have to clean or worry about things. We're trying to make home nice and welcoming so that she'll hopefully see the difference. I'm glad your daughter saw the light!

Kiki sorry you are feeling down. Been there as you know. Only two days ago in fact, when she simply would not go to college. Don't know what the answer is re: your DD not coming home coz I have the same problem. She used to say she couldn't be at home on her own coz she over thought things and ended up panicky. I can't remember if your DD has any anxiety issues? My DD just feels she has to be with people all the time. Almost as a distraction. Is there anything you do together that you could focus on? Sometimes car journeys are good for chats if you're giving lifts - though 9 times out of 10 when things were bad with DD we'd end up yelling at each other. Clothes shopping??? Though you probably feel she doesn't deserve it. Hope things improve soon re: last nights disagreement.

Hi Peebles. She hasn't got any anxiety issues that I am aware of but its funny you should say that. Dd does seem to need to be with people all the time too. Unfortunately we don't count as people and when at home her phone is her contact/friend so she spends most of her time in her room. She just has to be there with everyone all the time and whereas one or other of her friends might not be out that night for one reason or another ( might just not want to go out), dd is just always there! She says she does not like being at home either, which is nice!

I offer to do stuff with her all the time, like shopping but she can never fit me in. She does like the theatre and we do go there now and then however. Dh just gets on with his life and doesnt let it bother him but I am too wrapped up with her.

I really need to take a step back. Should I just leave her to come to me rather than following her around the house to try and have a conversation with her? She finds that annoying anyway but I don't want to ignore her. And i find it impossible not to go on about the lack of study. Its such a waste. Its hard to know what to do for the best.

Hi kikithefrog

It's a weird facet of basic human nature, that if you withdraw or play 'hard to get' people tend to want to be with you more.

Perhaps try an experiment with your DD and stop hovering over her as much and see what happens? Obviously you will still be there in her background but avoid being right at her shoulder iyswim?

And just seen that you follow her around the house trying to get a conversation out of her.

Please don't do that. It would have driven me mad as a teen and would still drive me up the wall now.as an adult. I expect it makes your DD feel a bit hounded and claustrophobic which probably makes her react angrily?

it is the constant drip drip that erodes your peace of mind. You're not wrong Hellz and so sorry to hear of your bad experience of DD at big school.

They certainly do seem to feed off each other with all these angsts and social media compounds it all. I feel like screaming 'lighten up FGS you are young!' Mind you, DD 13's school are to blame a lot in my opinion, they seem to jump constantly from one depressing topic to another. History= wars wars and more wars ; English= a really depressing novel or poem ; Geography= global warming and the end of the world is nigh ; IT= online bullying and ISIS extremism ; drama= more bullying or drug dealing . FFS Maths seems to be a topic of light relief these days although I'm surprised they don't find something bleak to say about multiplication...aaaaghhhhhh! Anyone else?

Yes I have to stop hovering and leave her to come to me. I understand it must drive her nuts but it has been the only way to have any contact with her as she only wants to be in her room when she is at home. I'll just have to accept that this is the way it is.

This is me. Im on anxiety and anti d meds. She's too much and making me so ill. I have no enjoyment of anything. Constantly waiting for something to happen or for her to be late. She affects her siblings too.

Oh sjpmum. Sorry to hear that. I know the feeling of being on edge all the time. Keep posting on here. It helps and you will get lots of support.
Hope you feel better soon

Yes meds for deperession and anxiety here. It is more that I can handle. I'm a divorced mum. Ds is the root of my demons. It started when he was about 12 and he's now twenty. However, he's on the up. But it's been a rough ride. And I haven't breathed out, not just yet. But feeling slightly optimistic.

I also have a 22 yo dd who is perfect. Wtf?