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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Are we being horrible parents?

106 replies

BonitaFangita · 21/12/2015 21:54

Our 15yo gets a fair amount of freedom and we don't have a lot of strict rules. But , one rule is if he want's to sleep over at a friends house he can't just phone us at 9 or 10 o'clock at say 'X said I could stay here tonight'. This has happened about three times in the last two weeks. It's driving me mad!
We've told him, if he tells us before he goes out then we're happy for him to sleep over at least he can pack some clean underwear and a toothbrush. He's just done it again, been over to his mates house to play football and have tea and then called me half an hour ago to say he's sleeping over. I told him no and went to pick him up. He's in his room in a strop now.
So AIBU i'm too much of a wuss to post this in AIBU What are your rules for teenage sleep overs?

OP posts:
usual · 21/12/2015 22:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

usual · 21/12/2015 22:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

YeOldeTrout · 21/12/2015 22:05

at least he phoned to say where he is & you dont' actually mind that mate, either

Justmuddlingalong · 21/12/2015 22:06

You're not horrible parents, but if the fact he has no clean undercrackers or toothbrush with him is your only gripe, perhaps you should cut him some slack. Those things will be the last thing on his mind.

Sparklingbrook · 21/12/2015 22:06

I agree with usual. We have teens and keep a supply of new toothbrushes in case this happens and the visitor will get a pillow and sleeping bag given to them for the night. Clean underwear not really top priority.

hellhasnofurylikeahungrywoman · 21/12/2015 22:06

During the school holidays or at weekends it didn't bother me. But if it bothers you, it bothers you and he knows the rules so YANBU I suppose but could you sit down and talk with him about it, see if you can come to a compromise?

BrandNewAndImproved · 21/12/2015 22:07

He's 15 and it's the school holidays. What's so wrong with being spontaneous. I sometimes randomly stay at a friends if I've gone there for a takeaway and decided I wanted a drink. Not changing my knickers until early the next morning when I get home isn't the crime of the century.

You sound like your having trouble letting him grow up and be his own person.

usual · 21/12/2015 22:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NoahVale · 21/12/2015 22:11

if they miss meals that you have cooked, which is what happens in my house, that is grounds for annoyance. but why should you be bothered that they are staying at friends?

ClityClityBangBang · 21/12/2015 22:12

In my experience it's part of growing up.

I know it's a pain but teenagers do need freedom & in life exciting things tend to happen at the last minute especially with teens so as long as you are sure he is where he says he is then I don't see the problem.

I do feel for you though op as I remember this with my eldest DD & not liking it!

BrandNewAndImproved · 21/12/2015 22:13

Don't you just plate them up their meal and leave it in the microwave noah? Put it in the fridge for the next day if they're not home that evening to eat?

Justmuddlingalong · 21/12/2015 22:15

Does he ever have fiends stay over at your house?

bigTillyMint · 21/12/2015 22:22

I can't see a problem with this, as my DS(14) does it quite a bit. And I get extras staying here at the last minute. I check if he is eating in but any food cooked gets put in the fridge and eaten the next day. And there are always pizzas/other stuff in the freezer for them to have if they are here. It is part of growing up.

DD(16) and her mates tend to plan ahead more, but she doesn't give me much/any warning of when her bf is coming and they like to cook together, so I have to make sure there are things they can cook in the fridge and I generally check before I cook.

What's the worst that can happen if he doesn't have a toothbrush/PJ's/clean undies? Surely the main thing is to know he is safe and happy?

Original poster
BonitaFangita · 21/12/2015 22:22

Thanks for your replies, I think we will sit down and talk with him, come to some sort of compromise.
I do want him to have his freedom and enjoy his friends. maybe it is a case of letting go. It feels like he's turned into a social butterfly over the past six months, I used to worry that he never left his room, but I hardly seem to see him these days.

OP posts:
NoahVale · 21/12/2015 22:25

can he have friends back to your house for a change perhaps?

pippip1 · 21/12/2015 22:25

Why do you have this rule? What's the reasoning?

How can you compromise on this when its either one or the other?

I think you're being unreasonable

ClityClityBangBang · 21/12/2015 22:30

That's exactly what it is Op & it's not easy for many of us.

My eldest went from one extreme to the other & I found It difficult especially at the beginning but although it's hard being the parent of a teen sometimes I think it's even harder being one!

cosytoaster · 21/12/2015 22:32

I wouldn't have a problem with this, as long as he rang. I always have new, spare cheap toothbrushes in for this kind of thing.

Original poster
BonitaFangita · 21/12/2015 22:34

He has friends over, and sees his friend all the time. Like I said I'm happy for him to have sleep overs or to stay over with friends.
It's just when he says he's going out for an hour and then calls 3 hours later to say he's not coming home I think is unreasonable.

OP posts:
pippip1 · 21/12/2015 22:36

Why?

reallybadidea · 21/12/2015 22:37

As long as it's not a school night ans the other parents dont mind, I honestly couldn't care less about this.

pippip1 · 21/12/2015 22:40

I'm only asking why op as my mum used to do this - make arbitrary rules based on no reason at all. It seemed she did just because she could. I felt punished and resentful.

MrsJayy · 21/12/2015 22:40

I think if your rule is no phoning half an hour before due in is a no no then you stuck to it the fact you went and got him shows you are serious he might think next time he is in the huff he will get over it. Imo staying over last minute is annoying but normal he can brush his teeth when he comes home.

DramaAlpaca · 21/12/2015 22:40

When my three boys were younger teens, I was happy to allow spontaneous sleepovers as long as they let me know they'd be staying out, and at 15 they had to let me know who they were with. We'd often have extra teenagers crashing out at ours too. I wasn't a bit bothered about clean underwear or toothbrushes, it doesn't matter for the occasional night.

I agree that it's hard to start letting go and give them more freedom.

Justmuddlingalong · 21/12/2015 22:42

He's 15, in that bubble of blissful ignorance, that many teenagers inhabit. You didn't like him not socialising, now he does, but not in an acceptable way. What is it about his behaviour you find unreasonable? Is it the underwear, the lack of notice or him being out so much? Why is him staying over at a friends impacting on your life so much?