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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Are we being horrible parents?

106 replies

BonitaFangita · 21/12/2015 21:54

Our 15yo gets a fair amount of freedom and we don't have a lot of strict rules. But , one rule is if he want's to sleep over at a friends house he can't just phone us at 9 or 10 o'clock at say 'X said I could stay here tonight'. This has happened about three times in the last two weeks. It's driving me mad!
We've told him, if he tells us before he goes out then we're happy for him to sleep over at least he can pack some clean underwear and a toothbrush. He's just done it again, been over to his mates house to play football and have tea and then called me half an hour ago to say he's sleeping over. I told him no and went to pick him up. He's in his room in a strop now.
So AIBU i'm too much of a wuss to post this in AIBU What are your rules for teenage sleep overs?

OP posts:
Themodernuriahheep · 21/12/2015 22:45

It can be irritating. But as long as you know whom he's with, we've taken the view it is fine on Fridays, Saturdays, holidays. That way we get kept in touch, can go to bed with a glass of wine...

Waitingfordolly · 21/12/2015 22:47

My DD is not quite a teenager (12) and they do this both ways. I sometimes have a slight moment of annoyance when I've been waiting at home for a call not going out and not drinking and then she doesn't need me to, but always say yes unless she or I have something important on the next day. If you are someone who likes things to be planned I can see it might be annoying but you might want to think about it as if he'd asked you earlier in the evening would you have said yes, and if so, go with that answer.

Epilepsyhelp · 21/12/2015 22:48

I don't think he's being unreasonable at all. I'd be very pleased that he was being so sociable now.

girlguide123 · 21/12/2015 22:51

It wouldn't bother me if my teen telephoned to say where she was, and was safe.

I wasn't quite as keen when her friend told her mum she was at ours, but wasn't...

Lobatri · 21/12/2015 22:56

I understand how you feel and the reasons and IMO think your idea of sitting down to discuss again is the way forward, before you find yourselves in a battle that doesn't need to be fought. Plus when you think of how things could with teens who end up getting up to all sorts out on the streets, I would be happy it's just th short notice that's annoying.

Waitingfordolly · 21/12/2015 22:56

Haven't we all done that girlguide?! My parents were pretty liberal so I was the one lying for other people.

Original poster
BonitaFangita · 21/12/2015 22:56

Pipip, we don't say this just to be mean to him or to punish him. But he knows this is the case so why get mad when we say know. If he called at say 7ish or after he got to his mates house (more than one mate, like I said social butterfly!) we'd be fine with that.
I guess I just wanted to know if this is normal behaviour and how other parents deal with it
Also I work full time so if I'm out all day and then he's out all day and night, that means I don't see him until the following evening if I'm lucky He'll be out football training tomorrow night and then with his gf on Wednesday, he's made plans to go see friends on Thursday. That means I don't get to see him until Friday. He's still only 15, shouldn't he spend some time at home?

OP posts:
usual · 21/12/2015 23:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Justmuddlingalong · 21/12/2015 23:03

No. He's at the age where girlfriends and friends take priority over most things. You can't curtail his social life because you won't see him til Friday. It's the holidays. You worried when he never left his room, now you hardly see him. That is unfair and quite selfish IMO. As long as you know where he is, let him spread his wings a bit.

pippip1 · 21/12/2015 23:04

Totally normal for him to want to be with his friends rather than you Smile

Waitingfordolly · 21/12/2015 23:11

It sounds like you just have different personalities - don't know whether you have ever done Myers Briggs at work but it's the difference between Judging types, who like to plan and structure things, and Perceiving types who like to leave things open. Neither is right or wrong, it's just different ways to organise your life. If you never saw him or if being out all the time was affecting his school work then it might be reasonable to keep him home sometimes but otherwise you're probably best to go with it unless you can give him a rational reason to say no. It's part of him growing up and he might resent you otherwise. Then when you actually do have a good reason to say no he's more likely to respect that.

AtiaoftheJulii · 21/12/2015 23:15

It's the lack of communication that annoys me. My 15 yo ds had a friend home on Friday after school (short day, end of term) who ended up staying until about 9 pm Saturday night. I'm happy for the friend to be here, I like him, but I did have to prompt him to keep his parents informed. He told me at tea time on Saturday that he'd told his parents he'd be home "later today" Hmm Told him to let them know he was having dinner with us and would be home after that. And that if that was all the information I'd had from ds that I'd be annoyed - he said, yeah, my mum probably will be annoyed. Hmm Hmm Well, it's fairly easily avoidable!

I think picking him up tonight was probably a good move - he knows you mean it now. It's not difficult, is it - if he says he'll be out for an hour, he needs to be in touch somehow when that hour is up! He'll get into the habit I'm sure Smile

GloriaHotcakes · 21/12/2015 23:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

honeysucklejasmine · 21/12/2015 23:17

I do struggle to understand why you have this rule tbh. But I don't have a teenager. I understand that because you have it, you feel he should stick to it, but what are the reasons for having it in the first place? Is it simply so you can see him yourself?

BackInTheRealWorld · 21/12/2015 23:18

Ooooh please relax on this one. Honestly.

glintwithpersperation · 21/12/2015 23:20

My 15 year old texted me 45 mins ago to say he was staying at his mates. They were on the way back from Star Wars. I asked if it was OK with mates mum (yes) does he have any clothes (no), so said have a lovely time see you tomorrow. I am very happy that he is hanging out with his pals.

Pipestheghost · 21/12/2015 23:22

Pretty normal teen behaviour.

Grace1467 · 21/12/2015 23:23

I do a kind of dance for joy when this happens thankful it's not my house for once! I don't mind DD doing this weekends and holidays it is a bit annoying they don't plan ahead as then I'd take advantage and go out but everything's so last minute never get a chance to plan.

Kingfisherfree · 21/12/2015 23:26

I would be happy he has a good social life.

leavemealone2015 · 21/12/2015 23:26

HinOP I think I would be a bit annoyed too .. Because it's inconvenient in a way not to know what is happening each time he goes out. But it is normal and as a teenager I did this constantly and had a fantastic time. I woulfpd have been completely amazed if my mum had said no! What would be the point of saying no it is just spoiling his fun. I agree there should be some rules though, such as phoning you or even taking a backpack out with him if it's a frequent thing !

leavemealone2015 · 21/12/2015 23:27

Also you may not be invited to stay over until later !

DropYourSword · 21/12/2015 23:28

I think if you could give a good reason why you need the extra notice I'd probably at least understand where you're coming from (eg you're hacked off cos you cooked for him hen he tells you he's not coming home) but otherwise I don't really see the problem.

My parents were a bit like this and I thought it was quite unfair, given that for a long time I was bullied and didn't really have many friends. When I found a new social group and was out a lot more I thought they should have been happy for me.

Friendlystories · 21/12/2015 23:33

My only gripe with this would be that with spontaneous sleepovers it can be harder to check that they are where they say they are. As long as I was sure he was safe at a mate's house I felt ok with I wouldn't worry about toothbrushes or undercrackers. I think I probably would try to relax about it a bit and let him be spontaneous but I certainly don't think you're horrible parents, just learning as you go along like the rest of us Flowers

Chopz · 21/12/2015 23:33

I think its fine for him to stay out after letting you know providing it doesn't interfere with school work.

If you want to see more of him, chat and set some weekly slots where you can have time together. Say every Saturday day, Sunday night and Wednesday evening.

Original poster
BonitaFangita · 21/12/2015 23:33

Thanks Atia, that's my point exactly. I'm happy for him to have a social life and all that that involves, as long as he lets us know what he's up to. I asked him if he was sleeping over/did he need a lift him? and he said he was only stopping out for a couple of hours.
I know he's getting older and more independent. I am always open to compromise with him, for example he wants to go to a music festival with his friends next spring and we've said he can travel down and camp there, and hope he enjoys it.
It can't be that difficult for him to think ahead a little bit?

OP posts: