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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Are we being horrible parents?

106 replies

BonitaFangita · 21/12/2015 21:54

Our 15yo gets a fair amount of freedom and we don't have a lot of strict rules. But , one rule is if he want's to sleep over at a friends house he can't just phone us at 9 or 10 o'clock at say 'X said I could stay here tonight'. This has happened about three times in the last two weeks. It's driving me mad!
We've told him, if he tells us before he goes out then we're happy for him to sleep over at least he can pack some clean underwear and a toothbrush. He's just done it again, been over to his mates house to play football and have tea and then called me half an hour ago to say he's sleeping over. I told him no and went to pick him up. He's in his room in a strop now.
So AIBU i'm too much of a wuss to post this in AIBU What are your rules for teenage sleep overs?

OP posts:
lucymootoo · 21/12/2015 23:34

To be honest I think your making a big deal out of nothing. Teenage boys don't tend to organise "sleepovers" it just tends to happen. If he's safe, you can contact him/ know where he is and he's having a good time then what's the issue. Obviously if you have plans the next day then he should respect that and come home early etc But really I don't see the big deal.

Original poster
BonitaFangita · 21/12/2015 23:42

God, I really do feel like the parent from hell now!
I guess we are wrong to have these restrictions on him. I shouldn't be expecting him to come home from a night out and should maybe enjoy the freedom a bit more Smile

OP posts:
CockwombleJeff · 21/12/2015 23:42

Erm yes you are.

And slightly over involved telling him to pack a toothbrush .

My advice is to pick your battles very wisely otherwise it's entirely possible you could alienate him.

TheFairyCaravan · 21/12/2015 23:59

Our two did this. We never had a problem with it.

The one thing I learnt quite quickly with teens is it is so important to pick your battles and this one really isn't worth fighting.

AtiaoftheJulii · 22/12/2015 00:03

God, I don't think you're being horrible! You're not saying he can't go out, just that he needs to be in touch when he says he will be. I do think it's hard for 15 year olds to think about these things, but I think it's better to persevere rather than just ignore it.

harrasseddotcom · 22/12/2015 00:23

also teenagers dont really arrange things. So when you wanted him to call you at 7 to say he was sleeping over, he probably didnt know he was going to be sleeping over at that moment. It wasnt until it was 10 oclock and he was at a crucial bit in whatever computer game that they were playing that the thought occurred to him and his mates that he was having too much fun to go home. So probably in all fairness, he let you know as soon he knew.

BackforGood · 22/12/2015 00:31

I agree with most. Teen boys don't tend to "arrange things" it's all "lets do this" and you do it then. No planning or forethought goes into it Grin

If you are comfortable that he is actually staying with genuine mates from school or hobbies or whatever and the parents don't mind, then I don't see that it's an issue. Not in the holidays or when they don't have to be up the next day, anyway. I'd be pleased he had mates and was socialising, tbh.

BackforGood · 22/12/2015 00:32

Atia - he is in touch though. OP has said that he phones to let them know where he's staying.

TinklyLittleLaugh · 22/12/2015 00:38

Yep, I'm another one with a pack of cheapy toothbrushes for guests in the cupboard. But there are eight toothbrushes in the bathroom my two boys share. Goodness knows how they have accumulated an extra six.

VodkaValiumLattePlease · 22/12/2015 00:49

It was stupid rules like this that was the reason I moved away at 17 and very rarely visited.

Sundance2741 · 22/12/2015 09:11

I don't have this issue as my teen doesn't have a lot of friends - so I'd be delighted if she phoned to ask if she could stay over, as long as I knew where she was and felt she was genuinely welcome there.

In the past we have had trouble with her not contacting us so to me the bottom line is that she must let me know where she is and when she is coming back (or phone to say her plans have changed).

But I can understand how you feel about not seeing him for days. It's hard to go from having them there all the time to letting them go a bit. I suppose it's something we all have to adjust to sooner or later.

I agree though that you should probably question your reasons and decide what are just your preferences rather than things that you feel are important for him to adhere to.

DoreenLethal · 22/12/2015 09:18

I used to do this all the time in the 80s - we didn't have a phone either so my mum just had to trust me. I had to call the next door neighbour at the start and they had to go and let my mum know I was stopping over. After a few lots of times she just assumed I'd stop over.

If you know the parents then don't forget to send them a nice thank you present for having your son over all the time.

Choughed · 22/12/2015 09:38

At 15 I'd probably ask to speak to parents to check they are happy, otherwise I'd just be delighted he's got good mates. Disclaimer: I only have a 8 year old so have no direct experience.

mouldycheesefan · 22/12/2015 09:44

My mum was like this, rules with no rationale behind them.
Op making him come home achieves nothing but annoying him. You need to,lighten up. He calls you tells you where he is if he is safe no not getting into trouble what is the problem. Don't be unreasonable, my mum was and is like this and we are nO contact now as I can't be arsed with it.

AtiaoftheJulii · 22/12/2015 09:52

Backforgood On the first page OP says It's just when he says he's going out for an hour and then calls 3 hours later to say he's not coming home I think is unreasonable.

If one of mine (currently have four teenagers) said they would be home at 7, I'd expect at least a check-in at 7 (ish!).

I read other mn posts asking how to get teenagers to help in the house, complaining that their teenager hasn't got them a Christmas present, etc - it's all the same issue isn't it, that teenagers are incredibly solipsistic. But leaving them to it seems a bit defeatist to me, lol - I'd rather attempt to shorten that phase if possible Smile

WoodHeaven · 22/12/2015 10:24

I actually think that you are quite lenient to my standards.
Communication is a minimum and letting people know at the last minute is just rude. I mean he is living in the same house than you and the rest of the family. It's not a hotel. And you are not his maid there to wait on him.
I remember doing that when I was 20yo and living (part time) at my aunt. I rightly got told off for ever been there and treating their home as a hostel.

So YY to have a social life. No to hardly communicate with you.
I suspect that in the RL a lot of parents are getting annoyed by it too?

WoodHeaven · 22/12/2015 10:28

Atia I agree with you.
It's easy or rather easier to have very few rules re going out.
what do you them do with all the other things they are 'supposed' to do?

Hullygully · 22/12/2015 10:29

Your rules don't make any sense that's why he gets cross.

Of course he doesn't want to be at home with you, it would be more of a worry if he did.

In a few years he will want to see more of you, but not if you are one of "those" parents now.

Hullygully · 22/12/2015 10:31

I do agree of course that if a time has been specified, a call or text re change of plans is simply good manners.

tomatodizzy · 22/12/2015 10:34

My son has a toothbrush with him in his school bag. He is always doing spur of the moment sleep overs, as are his friends.

Whatdoidohelp · 22/12/2015 10:36

I think your giving him plenty freedom so of this is one rule u have he should follow it. Otherwise does he actually have any rules to follow? Not ideal for the real world.

AngieBolen · 22/12/2015 13:05

I always drop off clean pants oohs and toothbrush so I know he's actually there. Teenagers could get a long way in 24 hours.

Sparklingbrook · 22/12/2015 13:14

How many times have you arrived with the underpants to find your teen isn't there Angie?

bigTillyMint · 22/12/2015 13:27

My DS would go mad if I turned up with clean boxers and a toothbrushGrin

I just have to trust him.

AngieBolen · 22/12/2015 13:42

Never, sparkling Grin I also text his friends parents to thank them for letting him stay. I've never had a "he's not here, I thought my DS was at yours?" reply but better safe than sorry. I remember what u was like at they age