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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Are we being horrible parents?

106 replies

BonitaFangita · 21/12/2015 21:54

Our 15yo gets a fair amount of freedom and we don't have a lot of strict rules. But , one rule is if he want's to sleep over at a friends house he can't just phone us at 9 or 10 o'clock at say 'X said I could stay here tonight'. This has happened about three times in the last two weeks. It's driving me mad!
We've told him, if he tells us before he goes out then we're happy for him to sleep over at least he can pack some clean underwear and a toothbrush. He's just done it again, been over to his mates house to play football and have tea and then called me half an hour ago to say he's sleeping over. I told him no and went to pick him up. He's in his room in a strop now.
So AIBU i'm too much of a wuss to post this in AIBU What are your rules for teenage sleep overs?

OP posts:
enderwoman · 22/12/2015 14:00

My son's 14 and if he was staying over, I'd expect him to tell me before dinner that day so 6/7pm ish?

Sparklingbrook · 22/12/2015 14:00

DS1 would not be happy with the turning up with underpants thing. I was out nightclubbing and drinking at 15. He's Captain Sensible in comparison. Grin

frenchfancy · 22/12/2015 14:32

OP I don't think you are unreasonable at all. I have 2 teens. Sleepovers must be arranged in advance (except for their best friend who I know the family well). It is simply good manners. If they don't treat you with respect now they never will. I wouldn't stay away overnight without telling them first. I treat them the same way.

bigTillyMint · 22/12/2015 14:39

Snap Sparkling! Though DS and his mates get to the odd party and I'm certain they have a drink.

Why is it only girls who have house parties? Not that we have ever hosted any for either of ours!

BoboChic · 22/12/2015 14:41

The only time I am remotely inclined to allow casual last minute sleepovers is when we are at our usual summer beach destination, the whole point of which is to allow maximum freedom - albeit in an incredibly safe community/location. Anything goes - that's the culture of the location.

AngieBolen · 22/12/2015 16:38

In my defence DS1 actually asks me to take his things over sometimes.

Although, the other evening DH was dropping at the cinema, and we knew he was going on a sleepover, but didn't take a bag. I commented to DS2 it was weird. Apparently DS1 just presumed DH would be happy to come home, pack a bag for him and take it over to his friends house.

Even I thought that was taking the piss a bit.

nooka · 22/12/2015 16:55

I have a 15 and a 16 year old. the 16 year rarely visits his friends in person as they play online together all the time (and some of his friends live a long long way away). The 15 year old visits her friends fairly frequently.

I don't think that the OP's rules are arbitrary or unfair. I'd be very pissed off to be rung at 10pm and be told that dd wasn't going to be coming home. In our house 10pm is bedtime, and I'd expect her to be home by then, not calling me up. I'm happy for her to sleepover with friends, and I'm even happy for that to be spontaneous, but 10 is way too late in my mind to make that call. Likewise when we host her friends we'd expect that decision to be made after eating, so around about 8ish, and I woudl always say that dd's friends need to get their parents OK about it, not assume it's just fine.

OP I think you should sit down with your ds and work out a compromise. It's probably a bit unreasonable to say sleepovers have to be booked in advance (and the pants/toothbrush issue isn't a bit deal unless maybe he wears braces?) but not unreasonable to limit how often they happen and how much notice you need.

lincolnshirelassy · 22/12/2015 17:01

My dd's (15 and 12) do this kind of thing all the time, or we suddenly end of with three extra teenagers for tea! It used to annoy me but now I just try and go with it and keep the freezer well stocked!

girlguide123 · 22/12/2015 17:04

waitingfordolly

it was just that the mum texted me & said thank-you for letting Child stay the night, but I didn't know where Child was. happily I didn't read it until the morning, so I got daughter on the case & made sure Child was safe. daughter didn't know where she was either, at first, so was worried too.

I didn't lie to my mum as a teen, but then she was quite liberal anyway, and I was quite 'good'...

ProfGrammaticus · 22/12/2015 17:08

Mine are 14 and 16. You need to think about why you are saying no, as others have suggested. He doesn't need to spend time at home, no. Is that your only reason? Then really it is about your feelings isn't it, not about him?

I think he can do this - on non school night, when you have nothing planned, as long as he lets you know, and as long as you don't cook meals that are wasted. Which I think is what he has done? Teenage boys don't plan ahead much and they never have.

girlguide123 · 22/12/2015 17:08

Bonita - you are not the parent from hell at all.

you had a doubt if what you were saying is reasonable, so you asked other parents what they thought. that sounds very caring to me, especially as you seem prepared to take comments on board. don't be too harsh with yourself.

you can always chat to your son and say that you've been thinking about things, your rule now is xyz, and how does he think that sounds. take it from there.

rainbowstardrops · 22/12/2015 17:13

I can see why you're annoyed OP. I also know that 15 yr olds don't think!
I used to hate my dc's suddenly announcing after school and in front of parents, "Can X stay for tea?" I stressed then that it'll usually be a 'yes' as long as it's arranged.

I now realise that teenagers forget that 'rule'.

Having said that, I'd be pretty pissed off if my dc didn't ask until really late.

Oh and I've given up hoping he'll pack a toothbrush or clean underwear. I might as well hope I'll meet a millionaire who falls madly in love with me. Ain't ever going to happen!

lincolnshirelassy · 22/12/2015 18:14

Whilst reading the thread, dd12 has just messaged to ask me to drop off a bag so she can sleep at a friend's :)

SheGotAllDaMoves · 22/12/2015 18:28

We get quite a few last minute waifs and strays at our place because our location is so central.

I must admit that whilst I don't care (provided they're not too noisy) I do wonder if their parents know where they are.

hugoagogo · 22/12/2015 18:37

I hate last minute sleepovers, when I sit down in the evening I like to know where the dc are so I can relax drink they both know the rule and don't mess us about too much.

Kennington · 22/12/2015 18:40

I never did this as a teenager and these events were ripe for complete disasters generally - according to gossip. It would be a flat out no from me.
particularly on a school night.

SSargassoSea · 22/12/2015 18:43

I wouldn't trust my very crafty DCs to be honest. They might be staying over with X, on the other hand they could be on the bus to some rave in Birmingham or any other part of the country for all I know.

It would depend on if I knew the DPs and if DC could pass the phone to said DP for me to check that THey don't mind random sleepovers.

BabyGanoush · 22/12/2015 18:49

I would allow it, maybe just a quick txt with the parents to say "are you sure it is ok? What time do you want him picked up in the morning?"

Can't really see the problem as it is not a school night

BackforGood · 22/12/2015 20:01

Am agog at all these people who are in text contact with their dcs friends, at 15. Confused

The only parent I have in my phone is the parent of a girl who happens to have gone from Playgroup to Nursery to Infant School to Junior School to secondary with my dd1, so we became friends before the girls really did. I'm not friends with the parents of any of ds's friends and none of dd2s friends and none of the rest of dd1's friends

Sparklingbrook · 22/12/2015 20:06

Yes, i don't have the text numbers of DS1's mate's parents Back.

BuildMoreHouses · 22/12/2015 20:22

I don't really know the parents now either and have no numbers. So I have said no. If I was allowed to contact the parents it would likely be a different answer.

My DS is planning to leave home at 18 and that's fine too!

hellhasnofurylikeahungrywoman · 22/12/2015 20:24

I had some of the kids' friends' contact details but we live quite rurally and often used to lift-share.

Sparklingbrook · 22/12/2015 20:25

I just communicate via DS1 on his mobile. I do always know the address he's stopping at so could go round if I needed to. But don't need to speak to the parents.

bigTillyMint · 22/12/2015 20:41

I have the numbers of all the friends DS sleeps over at (has been doing impromptu sleepovers since Y7) but we don't text/ring each other to check. I know the addresses too, but like Sparkling I or DH just text/speak to DS about what he's doing.
Same with DD but she plans ahead more.

LynetteScavo · 22/12/2015 20:49

I have the numbers of my DCs friends parents as I throw a bigish birthday party for them in Y7, and get them to reply by text.

You'd be surprised how often I've needed to communicate with random parents check they have my DC