Anyone want a mum of teenagers support thread

[Ledkr]

Thought we could swap ideas, sound off and generally help each other through it.
Lots of you will know from here I'm no shrinking violet but my nearly 14 yr old dd is slowly breaking my spirit, home has become a miserable place to be and I know I'm messing this up.
I've had 3 teen boys and have worked all my life with various types of challenging young person and I'm pretty well respected but my own child is draining the life out of me.
The thing is, it's not huge behavioural stuff, it's probably very normal. I need to learn to pick my battles I know but I simply cannot ignore blatant rudeness or pick up someone's knickers often still containing a sanitary towell and not react.
Is this the answer? Compromise my integrity and become a skivvy just for a quiet life?
I could go on, but I'll see if anyone wants to listen first.
Thanks if you read so far

I'm sorry some of you are having to deal with the problems of smoking weed etc. I have no advice to give in this but I do sympathise. Hopefully some others will be able to help.

I don't know how to approach things with dd who is 16 and at 6th form. I haven't had any major problems to deal with but its just many little things that are getting me wound up. I won't go into them all now as I'll go on all night but just for starters.

I just hate the fact that she is never at home. She goes off to friends houses usually every day straight from college and comes home around 10 pm. I hardly see her so when I do I have to take the opportunity to speak to her about "important" things like have you done your work, did you go to classes, you forgot to lock the door etc and she just sees this as me having a go at her. I spend so little time with her that I can't have normal nice conversations. I am a bit hurt that she does not want to spend any time whatsoever with us and that she thinks that this is perfectly fine.

I can't make her stay in so what do I do? Do I just let her carry on until she is fed up of being out all the time? Will that ever even happen? Whatever I say will be taken the wrong way and there will be a row.

That's number one off the list.

Aaarrgh!! WTF??
Sorry, just my thoughts about teenage ds at the moment. Better out than in.

Fleur, sorry you are going through this. In my DC's year groups (from Y7/8) it was/is the bright MC boys that were smoking weed. And it is way more easily available than it was when I was at school back in the Dark Ages, so you are not on your own. It sounds like you are dealing with it/him very sensibly, but it is so difficult to parent teens. They are so sure that they know best, we know nothing, etc.

Does your DS do any sport? DS was being pulled into a group of boys starting to smoke weed at the end of Y7 but I think (because you never really know what's going on) we managed to stop that by insisting that he cycle to school - so not hanging out with them after school - and by talking to him about how you can't smoke if you want to be good at sport - he plays a lot of football.

Kiki, as the mum of a DD in sixth form, I sympathise! I have found texting (with lots of fun emojis) is good when you need to remind them/tell them off about something, etc. I don't actually check that she is doing her work/going to lessons, etc as the sixth form she moved to is very strict and I'm sure they would let me know if there was a problem, but I would remind her if she had forgotten to double lock the front door, etc. Re spending time, could you plan to take her out for coffee and cake/meal, to the cinema, etc? Either just you and her or as a family group? We often go out for a cheap family meal so as to get some quality chat time with our teens - they don't have strops in restaurants

fleur well, my eldest is lazy and can't hold down a job for long. He's high,y intelligent but doubt he will ever use it. In rare moments of clarity he will say that he'd like to stop but the addiction is very strong, with skunk it's as strong as class A drugs.
My youngest lad uses it but seems to have more perspective and does work hard. He has a very short fuse though, I believe due to weed.
My middle boy has never even smoked.
We have a great service here called info buzz, I'm not sure if it's nationwide but if not they would advice you about similar in your area,
I spoke to the manager the other day and he said that they don't lecture the kids they advise them and offer ways to cut down or use other ways to stop.
I am on more training in Feb, my dream is to set up centres where young people can come and chat about their use and explore how to cut back if they want to.
I've lost count of the amount of times I've had the "I don't drink"argument. My answer is always the same,
"If I drank wine every day and it made me short tempered, lazy and sedated, I would have a problem"

Thank you for your kind answers. For me it doesn't fit the image of what he normally is. He is doing well, very well at school, he has a small job also and is very responsible with it, never late (he takes phone orders for a couple of hours 3 days a week in a take away shop), the money is in his account and the card is with me, he is saving for when he turns 17 to get a car.

We spoke last night about how proud I was of him for not giving me major problems, for being responsible and mature. And now this...for me it doesn't make sense.

He is telling me that everybody is doing something "bad", drinking, smoking cigarettes, and this is his bad thing. That he researched it and is not as bad. I tried to explain that drinking is not as bad if you control it, that he is comparing weed with being an alcoholic, but alcohol consumption occasionally is not as bad as getting hooked on weed.

He doesn't play sport anymore, gave it up when he was 11 due to lack of interest. He cycles to school.

New rules involve not going out in certain places anymore (well for a while it will be not going out at all), no cash unless I buy things for him, getting in touch with the other parents involved and ensuring they are where they say they are. Not sure what else to do except talking, drilling information, explaining, testing for it.

Kiki my niece is 17 and my brother is having the same experience as you. He gave up on telling her what to do, she is now nearly an adult, it is hard to control what they do. It is hard and I wish I'd have the answers.

Yesterday the thought entered my head that if I would have known how hard it is to handle teenagers I would have chosen a childless life. It's horrible to think this but I am now terrified of what to expect once the little one is entering that stage also. I am not sure I can deal with the worries again...

I too have had that thought many many times fleur there are practically no rewards whatsoever at the teen age are there?
I am hoping my four year old will be perfect

What I find fascinating/confusing/infuriating about the teen years is how far my bar has dropped regarding expectations of behaviour.

Examples, just this week:

DH rings me ranting about a text from school regarding DD's lack of homework - I'm just very pleased she has gone into school at all, sod the homework.

I get in from work to find bag strewn on floor, every light on, food out, cupboards open, bin over flowing etc - but I'm thrilled to find that DD isn't attached to phone or ipad but is sitting in the study completely focussed on producing a piece of GCSE art.

DD comes down the stairs, ready for school, with far too much make up on and skirt rolled up too high - but she's not orange, and as above, she is going to school.

DD decides at 10.45pm that she does in fact want a shower now, and wants to wash her hair, rather than in the morning - I say nothing, as she has agreed, without kicking off, to leave her mobile and ipad downstairs overnight, so will actually get more sleep despite the late shower/hair wash.

I could go on and on, but it seems to be a finely tuned balancing act doesn't it. I would never have imagined this when I had tiny children.

Totally agree Sandy. If somebody would have told me 2 years ago I'll be having a normal balanced chat with my DS about weed without screaming and discuss what's better to do, drink or smoke I would have told them they're bonkers.

It makes me laugh now (bitter laugh) remembering all the stress of secondary school admission. It is nothing compared to keeping them safe and relatively motivated.

I have so many examples of dropped standards, of allowing no him to treat me like the village idiot because I know how when you are a teenager you think you know it all. Luckily this stopped but got it again last night when being told how I need to do my research to understand weed is not as bad as alcohol.

Sandy, I totally agree too! And Fleur, so true - keeping them safe and relatively motivated is such a challenge! I have to admit that I didn't remotely consider the teen years when we decided to start our family. But does anyone?!

I have a friend with a DD same age as mine (8 yo) and she wanted to discuss 11+ admission, she is stressing about it already and telling me how important it is for her to go to a good school. Asking me if I started preparation with my DD. It made me laugh and explained that now I see it differently, that while I will do my best for her to a good school I realised there are other things more important than this to prepare them for.

I found myself resenting a bit my little one yesterday, looking at her still innocent behaviour and thinking that I have 4-5 years left before she'll be turning into a teenager and we'll start again...

The only preparation I have in mind for her now is drugs related issues and contraception. It is sad to think this way, I'm hoping it will pass and in 2 months time I'll find the joy of it again.

I was trying so hard last night not to explode and scream, shout and bottle my anger at him. To talk matter of fact and explain my frustration without emotion. I got a sorry in the end but was it really meant?

Can I join?

Fleur..my ds is 14 and we are having 'weed issues'!

Over the summer hols he was going out with a girl who provided him with weed, through older friends of hers. He had actually told me whilst on holiday in Greece that he was 'going to try weed' so I was really not that surprised when I found out he had smoked this joint. He had some left over from that occasion and stashed it in a tin under a set of drawers in his room. I found this whilst hoovering under the drawers and we 'had the chat' about the consequences of smoking weed etc etc.

I categorically stated that I never wanted drugs in our house again -

A few months later, he went to a party. He cannot drink alcohol (he's on ad's for depression) and to be fair to him, doesn't touch a drop. But at said party, he thought everyone else would be getting pissed so decided to purchase a splif for himself to have during this party so as not to miss out on feeling high/drunk etc. He had to store this at home for 4 days prior to the party so had totally ignored my strict 'no drugs' rule

Well.. nobody drank! He said he enjoyed himself. But ruined the bloody moment by smoking the splif whilst hanging out of the window at his friends house when everyone else had gone to bed! Obviously they smelt it and the mother bought him back to our house (40 min drive away) at 7.30am the next morning

Yesterday, I was searching his room (I feel I need to right now) and he had written me a lovely note under the drawers where he stored the weed saying 'fuck you'.

He is, like your ds, a good kid at heart! He goes to a naice mc comp and is doing OK at school. It's just that he makes these God awful decisions and fucks up big time sometimes.

I have told him I won't lecture him. But I do cut out any articles in the paper I find that relate to the dangers of drugs. I forward stuff I find on the internet about the teenage brain/alcohol/death of other teenagers through drugs etc in the hope that in the future it might make him stop making such shit decisions. However, I currently have about a 10% feeling that this will help! The other 90% of me truly believes he thinks 'fuck you' and will do whatever he damn well pleases. Like your ds, he thinks we know nothing!

We found some old iPad clips of him when he was in Year 7 the other day. Playing 'spies' with his sister, using cushions to hide him. High pitched voice and lots of giggles…. Where the hell did that little boy go???

When my ds says sorry, I never believe it is meant.

Likewise, everything he tells me he is doing nowadays I don't 100% believe. Like tonight, he is going to the Christmas lights thing in town with some mates and there is part of me that thinks he will be smoking dope. But I can't stop him doing everything because I just think he might.

I can't believe I have to be so distrustful of him. I never thought I would have to be.

Marking place

So sorry pasanda you are going through this also. Not sure what else to say, except maybe that I would love to trust the people around me telling me "oh I smoked it when I was a teenager, not a big fuss. I'm ok now". But what if he won't be ok? What if weed won't be enough anymore and he'll want more? What if he becomes paranoid as we have MH issues in the family?

Most of the "cool adults" who like to tell u about their past habits, are talking about cannabis resin not skunk weed which is far more harmful and addictive.
It's so frustrating as there really is nothing you can do.

So yesterday I relented and got Dd an I phone 5 despite her pretty much wrecking her I phone 4s. I did it mainly because I wanted Xmas shopping out of the way, she's asked for nothing else and there is no big outlay because it's a contract.i thought it would be a lovely surprise for Xmas.

So today we were out and I arrived to find said I phone on the stairs, packaging ripped open and lamely sellotaped back up.
She has obviously opened it.

I asked her why and she replied "leave me alone"

I have phoned vodka phone and cancelled the contract, I have no intention of giving it to her.

I'm too pissed off to post this anywhere else so can all you allies please give me your wisdom?

Eh said just give it to her because she's ruined her own surprise but I'm loathe to as she has behaved so badly and sneakily.
The package was addressed to me and she has never opened so much as a letter before so she obviously knew what it was.

Sooooangry right now. I have

I would probably still give it to her Lidkr but then I am a sucker...

Sorry meant Ledkr.

Oh really? I'm just furious, she didn't open any other package. Why would she do that, not even sly, completely ripped it open

vodka phone? I don't think I've heard of that company!

Seriously though, what an immature thing to do How did she know what it was? Has she been prying your emails? Not sure what I would do, but I would be too. It's not on to open someone else's mail although I have often opened DHs - same initial as me - and occasionally DD's by mistake

Oh my god @ vodka phone!
How very ironic

Think she must have had an inkling what it was cos Amazon had been en mass and she hadn't touched them!
Why woukd she be so stupid

My son has Mental Health problems because of smoking weed/ did harder stuff too over a two week period. It breaks my heart, stopped everything now but is unwell, bright lad, can't do college. Whether he will recover, who knows?? It's a MASSIVE problem amongst our young adolescents. My son is undiagnosed Aspergers, wanted to fit it.....I loved him how he was, still love him of course....but my son is sad to see...

Ledkr I'd be furious too, I'd probably tell her I've returned it because she opened it but then still give it on Christmas Day.

so sorry smiley you are going through this...