Anyone want a mum of teenagers support thread

[Ledkr]

Thought we could swap ideas, sound off and generally help each other through it.
Lots of you will know from here I'm no shrinking violet but my nearly 14 yr old dd is slowly breaking my spirit, home has become a miserable place to be and I know I'm messing this up.
I've had 3 teen boys and have worked all my life with various types of challenging young person and I'm pretty well respected but my own child is draining the life out of me.
The thing is, it's not huge behavioural stuff, it's probably very normal. I need to learn to pick my battles I know but I simply cannot ignore blatant rudeness or pick up someone's knickers often still containing a sanitary towell and not react.
Is this the answer? Compromise my integrity and become a skivvy just for a quiet life?
I could go on, but I'll see if anyone wants to listen first.
Thanks if you read so far

[3catsandcounting]

Well, tonight I have wine, I've sent DH out for a curry, all family in, and watching men in speedos, diving.
DD is busily sorting out uni finance, bank accounts etc, and enthusing over freshers week and the various uni societies available - knitting, cocktail tuition,..
I have my dog beside me, and for this evening, life is good. I hope the same for you lovely lot!

[3catsandcounting]

Oh god, Im repeating again!

[Peebles1]

Haha! Glad things are good 3cats. Things still good here - no wobbles about uni from DD, as I'd predicted, just full on excitement We're looking forward to the girlie IKEA shop , she's requested fluffy cushions.

[WestCoastGirl]

I really don't have a clue about parenting. It seems I always say the wrong thing so I might as well keep my mouth shut!
First day back to 6th form and first row today. Firstly about being late this morning and when dd17 eventually came home at 10 pm, another row ensued when I tried to broach the subject of doing more work this year. She won't listen, just yells and thinks I am criticising her. I'm truly not, just trying to guide her and help.

Probably should have left this advice for a few days but wanted to get things out in the open and out of the way

[Peebles1]

Did the week get any better Westcoastgirl? Hope so. I'm sure you do have a clue about parenting! The beggars just grind you down, that's all. Especially when it comes to bloody school/college.

This thread has been a huge support to me - does it 'fill up' when we get to a thousand posts? Does the OP need to create another thread and post the link, or can anyone do it? I've no idea how to post a link. I'd hate the thread to disappear, it's truly been a lifeline for me and I'm sure I'll be needing it again.

[3catsandcounting]

Peebles - I think, you, as honorary member, should start a new thread! (I don't know how to link either)

[Peebles1]

I am indeed honoured (I think - though that must mean I moan the most, haha!) - but I'm no good as can't link. Maybe OP will do it?

If it gets to 990 we'll have a go!

[WestCoastGirl]

Yes Peebles things got a bit better. I'd said my piece, as it were, so that's it for now. Also dd was only at college 2 days then went off to Leeds festival with her pals. Getting a few texts and just hoping all is well.
This thread has been a godsend to me too. Just to come and have a moan about teen stuff in general, trivial or not, is such a help.

[MyLlamasGoneBananas]

Well I'm counting down the minutes until term starts next week. We need somr routine and dd needs to slow down her frantic social life. She's becoming a bit too entitled and has thrown a tantrum this weekend when I put my foot down and said she had to stay in and do some homework (she's behind on her art fcse coursework).
I've just been in to tell her to get off her phone. She had actually telephoned her friend at 1am and was chatting and laughing away like it was 2pm lunchtime.
She of course has answer for everything and I'm just an evil bitch constantly on her back apparently. She answers back with comments like "for fuck sake if you shut up and stopped going on at me I wouldn't be like this".
Aaaarrrggghhhh.

[RaptorInaPorkPieHat]

The realisation that DD is back at school soon has hit here, we've had a really good summer (done bugger all, but no arguments and DD has been pretty chilled out). Then DH glibly mentions "x days til the end of the holidays" and I could tell instantly that the switch had flicked and everything was doom and gloom, in the end I snapped that I hated school too (I bloody do too, life would be so much easier if we could bin it off forever but it doesn't work like that) and off she stomped up the stairs looking tearful. I think if she wasn't such a stickler for the rules she'd easily be a school refuser.

Hoo hum.

[MyLlamasGoneBananas]

Yep the doom and gloom of the new school year has hit here too. I had half an hour in the car today about how shit school is and how everything is pointless and all the teachers are arseholes/weirdo's, how cap and hard done by she is. I zoned out in the end but it was a stark reminder if how negatib6she can be. I've not had to listen to these negative rants all summer but they're back already.

[Sultansofbling]

Yes the summer of love is over. Dd back to college and already had a few strops about being late and study (potential lack of!). I look forward to more of the same

[WestCoastGirl]

Some days you just feel like you want to cry. I am overly sensitive at the moment but sick of being treated as if I have no feelings and annoyed at myself for being a doormat. Hence I am sitting sniveling in a car park. Bloody teenagers!

[Sultansofbling]

I've been there. Once sat in a supermarket car park and cried my eyes out and then felt ashamed of myself because compared to some I've got it easy. It will get better

[MyLlamasGoneBananas]

I also have driven "somewhere" to cry and sometimes to just breathe and escape!

Hope you're feeling a bit better WestCoastgirl.

[Oblomov16]

Watching with interest.

[WestCoastGirl]

Thanks Myllamas. I am feeling a bit better but can feel the anxiety levels rising now dd has been back to college for a few weeks. Its back to the same pattern of her just not being bothered about it so doing as little as possible and it winds me up something rotten. I think its time for her to get herself an apprenticeship and leave but she will have to sort this out herself. Its about time she took some responsibility.
Sultans I am also aware that I have not really got any real problems but it doesn't stop you stressing does it?

[WestCoastGirl]

Well here I am again. Dd17 is totally besotted with bf and sees him every day, whether as part of a group, or on their own. I think its too much. She has no other outside interests of her own any more and has even stopped seeing her friends, except as part of the group. She is selfish and is not thinking about the friends she has dropped. She just seems to be waiting around for him to finish work, or whatever else he is doing, so she can go and see him.
The point is if I mention this to her, she will tell me to f off and mind my own business. The bf is lovely btw, couldn't ask for a nicer young man, but I think she needs a life outside of this love bubble she is in. I know its young love and all that but I want to encourage her to develop her own interests, which in turn makes her a more interesting person.
I do only have her best interests at heart but is it the right thing to do mentioning it, bearing in mind she will be offended by what I say or should I just keep quiet? Advice appreciated

[Sultansofbling]

I get what you are saying but my dd would just think I was criticising and having a go at her. Its like a bloody minefield trying to have a civilised conversation sometimes so maybe say nothing.

[3catsandcounting]

30 posts to go and we're full!!
Good to see some new names on here - don't know where OPs gone?!
Moët - how's things?
Peebles - are we at Uni yet?

DD is off on Friday - don't know how to feel really. I think people expect me to be relieved after what we've been through with her, but that makes little difference to how I feel. How could it?
DS is settled in a new college, re-starting his year, with a mix of A levels and BTecs, which will, hopefully, be more manageable for him. He's much happier.
Keep posting everyone, we need this support.

[3catsandcounting]

Westcoastgirl - (Scotland?)
Last year when DD was 17/18 she had her first proper bf. She put everything into the relationship, dropped her friends (unless part of a group). This ended up scaring bf off, as she continued to monopolise him, becoming aggressive if he didn't comply.
The relationship ended (badly) but she definitely learned from her mistakes and has kept her current relationship far more casual. No-one could be more surprised than me!

[Peebles1]

Hi all.
Westcoastgirl I sympathise and echo what 3cats says. My DD went through exactly the same scenario - eventually pushed ex bf away at age 17 through being so 'clingy'. There's more to it than that, but that was the outcome. So your DD may learn from her mistakes, unfortunately. When my DD isn't listening to me, I try and remember that if I've said it once then she's heard it, so I probably don't need to keep repeating it (easier said than done!). I don't think there was much I could've said to change how she behaved with him.

[Peebles1]

Hi 3cats. Glad to hear your DS is settled and happier now. Bet that's a relief for you all.

Dropped DD off at uni today. Such mixed feelings! On the one hand I couldn't be happier. Over the past three years (particularly the last one) I didn't dare hope this day would come. Dropping her at uni for a fresh start in beautiful sunshine. Horrible ex-bf is now completely off the scene. No contact at all, she doesn't even know where he is.

Also, it's been such hard, tiring work supporting her, and she always seems to have some major 'friends' drama going on (never her fault), that I'm really looking forward to a bit of a rest from all that.

But .... I'm going to miss her! I'll miss her coming home and filling me in on her life, drinking wine, watching a TV series together. There's going to be a DD-shaped hole! But I'm sure it'll be fine. She was upset when we left her, but texted a few hours later to say everyone was in her room and they were going to a party later. If she's happy I'm happy, that's the bottom line.

Someone recommended this webinar on another thread:

webinars.humangivenscollege.com/

It's about supporting your child through the first year of uni, and has excellent advice for parents. Lasts about an hour. Re: how you feel about your DD going away, it says 'just let whatever feelings come, come'! Good luck when you drop her off - hope it all goes well.

[Peebles1]

Ok I've tried to create a new thread as we're almost full. Here's the link:

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/teenagers/2736035-anyone-want-a-mum-of-teenagers-support-thread-2

Hope it works!!

[3catsandcounting]

Peebles - thank you, and what you say about leaving your DD and all that she has left behind her over the past 12 months, all you've been through, etc. well, it's just uncanny. It's so comforting to talk to someone who's lived through this, and understands.
I so hope your DD embraces this new start, as does mine. I have high for them both.