Anyone want a mum of teenagers support thread

[Ledkr]

Thought we could swap ideas, sound off and generally help each other through it.
Lots of you will know from here I'm no shrinking violet but my nearly 14 yr old dd is slowly breaking my spirit, home has become a miserable place to be and I know I'm messing this up.
I've had 3 teen boys and have worked all my life with various types of challenging young person and I'm pretty well respected but my own child is draining the life out of me.
The thing is, it's not huge behavioural stuff, it's probably very normal. I need to learn to pick my battles I know but I simply cannot ignore blatant rudeness or pick up someone's knickers often still containing a sanitary towell and not react.
Is this the answer? Compromise my integrity and become a skivvy just for a quiet life?
I could go on, but I'll see if anyone wants to listen first.
Thanks if you read so far

Ledkr, DD couldn't get a bed on the floor in her room. Partly because of furniture, but mainly because there is stuff everywhere!

I've been watching and now feel ready to say Hello! CAMHS SS and Splits involved with myself and my family. DD 13 has ASD anxiety and MH issues. Have three younger DC. She has brought our family to its knees. My partner has the beginnings of a drinking problem through the stress and SS are now accusing him of being emotionally abusive towards me and my children. All this started because we asked for help.

I'm joining in too.
Dd is newly turned 13, and while she's been challenging since about 11 she's ramping it up to an entirely new level recently.
This morning while tidying up the bathroom I've found the blade from a pencil sharpener in an empty earring box with a slightly bloody scrunched up tissue. Wtaf. I don't know what the hell is going on, that will be a thrilling conversation this afternoon when she gets home from school.

This morning's screechings over breakfast were because I asked her why she was wearing ribbons tied round her wrist? A white one on her left and a black one on her right. No cuts underneath though as she pushed them up as she pushed her sleeve up. Apparently she didn't know why, her friends had told her to, everyone in her group is wearing them, she really doesn't know why and I'm totally unreasonable for asking.

Fml. I'm not old enough for this shit.

"This morning while tidying up the bathroom I've found the blade from a pencil sharpener in an empty earring box with a slightly bloody scrunched up tissue."

Yes, I have had this as well. It's horrible isn't it.

Bun, it's awful!
I've no idea what's going on in her head. She has a friend that self harms and Dd and I have talked at length why it's such a silly thing to do, she went to student services about her friend to get her some help etc. If she has been cutting herself I've not seen, she came out the bathroom the other day and her arms we bare and fine. She wore short shorts to bed the other night and her legs were fine too. Just have to wait until later for a big sit down with Dd and Dh to talk it through.

We are strict, there are boundaries but we're supportive too. We decided recently to ease back on things like her room (as long as it's not a bio hazard!) and she doesn't have many chores (feeding the dog and keeping the main bathroom tidy - she's the only one that uses it unless we have guests, taking the bins out) and yet she acts so put upon when I ask her to do things like not to leave her brand new, expensive headphones laying on the dog's bed?!

Dd had a day off yesterday but we were both at work.
She and a friend have literally grazed their way through my food including grilling corn on the cobs and eating all of the four year olds kiddy snacks.
She's not too bad at the moment because she's at a good time of the month. I have realised that her period time is truly horrendous and for some time after.
I am desperately trying to get her to take supplements to reduce it next month.
Welcome new sufferers.
toot I could easily develop a drink problem here too. I'm a SW my advice would be comply comply comply.
field lots of dds peers have been self harming. It's ridiculous isn't it?
Dd is very vain so wouldnt what the scars but who knows if that will last.
Our local youth service has. a self harm advisor, maybe your la does.
I did a tiny training on It and the key was its a cry for help so help!
Obv first you need to find out if she is SH or if that's a friends.
for you too.

Ledkr, I've got Dd taking some multi vits with evening primrose and they do make a difference. I have to lay it next to her breakfast though for her to remember to take it. They're bassetts ones and don't taste horrific.

Well, we had a very traumatic talk last night. It was dd's, she has been harming herself but only very superficially, and only the last few days. We hugged and talked for ages. It seems the pressure she is under at her dads to eat meat (she decided to be pescatarian at the beginning of Oct) and the emotional blackmail her stepmum is putting her under is too much. She's angry at her self for giving in and eating meat last weekend to keep the peace. I'm distraught and furious. Exh is still holding firm on his stance that a pescatarian diet is unhealthy and dangerous for a 13 yr old girl to adopt and we are being neglectful by supporting her. I am banging my head against a brick wall. Dd has refused to go there this coming weekend and has our full support, I have always encouraged her contact but will never enforce it.

I'm waiting for a call back from student support at school and am trying to get through to the doctors. Dd is adamant she doesn't want to go and talk to them but I think it needs to be on record with them. Apart from obviously making myself available for her to talk with whenever, what on earth else should I be doing?!

Fieldfare - my sympathies for what has happened to you. It is indeed heart breaking. My advice is - do not leave this hanging, get to the bottom of it with the GP and CAMHS. I wish you and your daughter well!

I have one DD age 13. Does anyone else hold back pocket money as an easy way of getting better behaviour/ attitude?

Fieldfare, I must look up those multivits - DD also has bad PMT. As I did and continue to, but better now I'm on HRT.
Very sorry to see what you and your DD are going through and I echo what socialaddict says. I think you are right to talk to the school. Even if she doesn't want to right now, she may change her mind.

Lasvegas, we don't, but that doesn't mean it wouldn't work - anything's worth a try!

Thanks social and Tilly.
It's been a roller coaster few days. Been to the GP this morning and she's getting a cahms type person that liases between GP surgery and school nurse to get in contact for added support, both for Dd and me. Student services have been wonderful. Dd is shocked that we've taken it so seriously and put so many things in place so quickly.
It seems to have been a cry for help over her vegetarianism at her fathers. GP this morning confirmed to Dd that a veggie diet is perfectly healthy if balanced and it helped put her mind at ease. She seems to be feeling relief and she gave me a huge hug when I dropped her at school. My poor girl.

Lasvegas, it works for us too. Dd can be quite financially motivated, we've always linked it to chores and household responsibility though. Bad attitude is something more immediate - removal of phone, tablet, etc for 24 hrs.

Can I delurk and join in?

I have an almost-16yo dd1 under CAMHS for eating disorder, depression, self harm, who seems fine until it suits her to not be fine ... (Homework due, when she wants to see her boyfriend but it's not happening, when there's a family event ......). She's got exams this year and to her credit is working hard, but her entire happiness seems to revolve round whether she can see the boy or not, she badgers to have him allowed to stay over (no!) and to have him come on holiday with us (NO!).

I have mh problems myself and am also physically disabled - I'm finding her quite wearing.

Also have a playstation- obsessed almost-14 yo ds. He's actually a good kid (they all are, at heart) but tends to temper tantrums when asked to switch off/eat/wash etc.

Then there's just-12 dd2 - she's extremely hormonal and crotchety, hates school and wants me to HE (tbf she's always hated school, just wants to be at home since she was at nursery!), does the bear minimum in terms of schoolwork, helping out, her room is a nightmare etc.

I know they have it harder than some kids, my physical problems mean they help out at home a fair bit (but I think that I'd have them doing this if I was perfectly healthy!) and I try my best not to let my mental health affect them but of course it's going to. Dh is a doctor and works long antisocial hours so much of the home stuff is down to me (I work 3 days, short hours, term only).

And I know they're generally good kids. They just make me so tired with all their moaning and dd1 being "not hungry" sets off my anxiety, though I can't let her know that just like I can't make her eat.

Just joining in!

Well done for acting quickly fieldfare! That is exactly how it should be done. It shows them that you really care and are ready to go to lengths to help and be there for them. I would keep an eye on her constantly for at least a year! Watch her like a hawk (without it being obvious to her of course) and try and notice arms, legs on regular basis etc. I would also not leave her on her own for a while.

Well I knew the relative period of "niceness" wouldn't last. I've just sneaked off into the shower to have a good cry after dd went off on one again. She really is quite intimidating. I wish I could toughen up as I feel quite pathetic

Oh hedge I'm so sorry. It's reLly gets to you doesn't it?
I'm a really feisty string woman but dd can really break me very quickly.

Thank you Ledkr. I'm really worn down by her and over sensitive after all the crap this past year. She has no idea how she's hurt me.

Maybe she needs to know thst.

Dd does see me upset, she doesn't seem too bothered.

Is yiur dd due for her period?

Sorry it's got so bad Hedge, it's just so draining and relentless sometimes.
Do you do plenty of things for yourself, take time out for you? I know it's a bit clichéd, especially when everyone is so busy anyway, but it's really important to prioritise yourself sometimes.

The house has gone to pot this week as I've just not had the energy, I've been dealing with all the Dd stuff, her father being useless, my mum being needy, my dad having tests for heart disease, my sister not coping with that at all, my bil having what seems to be a nervous breakdown and his wife with a 6 week old baby plus 3 other kids needing my support.... It's all too much so yesterday I got the Dd stuff out of the way then went and bought cake and visited my friend for a few hours, got home and chatted on the phone for an hour to another friend that moved away, sent Dh out for pizzas and sat with my sewing all evening. Today is a new day, it'll all get sorted out and I'm going in to be with my friend's 4 yr old at a school parent partnership afternoon (I used to be her childminder and although I'm no longer working she's asked for me to go! How cute?!). 4 yr olds getting ready for Xmas and their excitement and joy over something as simple as spending an hour with her will definitely brighten my afternoon.

Hope you all have happy days everyone!

My 4 year old is what keeps me going to be honest.

I have dd on b6 to try and prevent the pmt. There is a definite deterioration around Her period.

Today I asked her to bring the 9 mugs down from her room and she growled at me!
It always makes me wonder who the fuck they think should bring them down!
How u feeling hedge?

I'm OK at the moment thanks Led. If dd sees me upset she accuses me of pulling the guilt card. So she's not too bothered. She is so wrapped up in herself she's quite unaware of my feelings. She can't see things from anyone else's point of view but her own. She's been a bit better lately but was in a mood last night and she took offence to something I said.

I'll just have to keep my gob shut in future.

Hedgehog (and everyone else!) this is typical teenage behaviour. Well it is in our house! DD was at her worst 13-15 and is a bit better now at 16+ Thankfully DS isn't quite as nasty, though he has a very loud, deep voice and bellows when he is pissed off. It is nothing in comparison to the ranty rages he used to have when he was young which could go on for an hour!

Keeping your gob shut is the best thing to do, but it is very hard at times!

I'm so sorry for everyone else going through this, but the selfish part of me is happy that its not just me! I'm so happy to have found this thread. I have 2 DS's, 17 and 15. DS2 is no trouble at all, but DS1 has actually broken my spirit today

He's stolen money from me again, he has a weed addiction and this is why he continually steals and lies. He admitted he'd stolen the money this morning, punched walls in the house screaming "I fucking hate myself" and left the house crying. Was sending me texts saying he's trying to stop smoking, I offered to get him help, he told me he could do it himself. He told me to replace the money from his driving test money that I have been saving for him that he got for his birthday.

Was at his mates all afternoon, came back asking if I could get him McDonalds, as if nothing had happened. I tried talking to him, he wouldn't tell me how much he smoked, said he didn't need to stop, he was fine. I told him he was an addict and that he had to want to change before anything would happen, and that I wasn't prepared to fund him anymore. I have stopped his pocket money, his bus money, his lunch money, and I will be locking all other money away.

I told him to get a job if he wanted to fund his habit - his reply was that he didn't want a boring job, only an interesting one! I lost my temper and said that unfortunately, because he blazed his way through his GCSEs off his head, interesting jobs were hard to come by for someone with 1 GCSE. He has now stormed out saying everyone keeps telling him he needs help, but he doesn't (I'd be interested to know who else keeps telling him he needs help!). At my absolutely fucking wits end...

Can I join? DS 14 is really ok generally. We learnt to ignore bad behaviour and deal with facts, he is not pushing it too far, doing bare minimum at school but still getting good grades. In a whole we have it easy generally.

The drama comes from last summer when I discovered hash related texts on his phone. He admitted he smoked once out of curiousity. Had a whole drama that included him crying and apologising for disappointing me.

Fast forward to today when I got a call from the deputy head teacher telling me they found 2 boys in the school with hash on them, involved the police, confiscated phones, etc.

Bottom line my DS was in the group chat and they are positive he is involved with all of them smoking weed (about 10-12 boys) but couldn't catch him with weed on him.

I am heartbroken what do I do? All the kids are high flyers at school, good kids, so not the profile of kids you may expect to do this (or not in my days).

Plan is to sit him down after DD (8) is in bed as I don't want her to see the drama, confiscate his phone, go through it... Meeting with deputy on Tuesday, we're keeping it as a surprise...

I don't know what to do... What have I done wrong. He is such a good child with the normal teenage drama but nothing out of the norm till now. I feel like I am loosing my motivation to exist...

welcome fleur
I'm not surprised, I think weed is the scourge of our young people.
Two of mine have messed their lives up with the stuff.
No advice really but I wish our govt woukd realise that these kids need some input to get a grip on this damaging habit.

Thank you Ledkr! Can you elaborate on the "messing life" bit?

I had the chat with him, without any shouting, there was no point to confiscate the phone as he admitted to it. I got the "cannabis is not as harmful as alcohol and cigarettes" lecture even though I explained that he is smoking skunk not clean cannabis.

I explained the new rules to prevent him smoking it, but I am not in any way optimistic this will stop. I have ordered tests online, anybody tried those?