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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Anyone want a mum of teenagers support thread

975 replies

Ledkr · 27/11/2015 09:01

Thought we could swap ideas, sound off and generally help each other through it.
Lots of you will know from here I'm no shrinking violet but my nearly 14 yr old dd is slowly breaking my spirit, home has become a miserable place to be and I know I'm messing this up.
I've had 3 teen boys and have worked all my life with various types of challenging young person and I'm pretty well respected but my own child is draining the life out of me.
The thing is, it's not huge behavioural stuff, it's probably very normal. I need to learn to pick my battles I know but I simply cannot ignore blatant rudeness or pick up someone's knickers often still containing a sanitary towell and not react.
Is this the answer? Compromise my integrity and become a skivvy just for a quiet life?
I could go on, but I'll see if anyone wants to listen first.
Thanks if you read so far Smile

OP posts:
cleo14 · 06/12/2015 18:57

Pasanda, your situation is very similar to mine although ds is 15. It really is very hard and unfortunately for him he is now at risk of completing his secondary education with no qualifications. I'm not entirely blaming the cannabis use for this but it's definitely not helping with motivation! Also wonder where my boy has gone..

BlueJug · 06/12/2015 20:14

I too am struggling. DS 14, nearly 15 and horrible to live with. My home is not my home anymore. I want to leave but obviously can't.

Maybe I will post details at later date. It's not all bad but much of what has been posted by others is familiar. I watch tv and endlessly bury my face in my laptop because I don't know what else to do. I can't talk to him; he is dishonest, rude, lazy, dirty, destructive. I cannot see him surviving in the outside world - at all.

Original poster
Ledkr · 06/12/2015 21:23

bluejug all the recent training I have done has talked about parents needing to "increase parental presence rather than decrease it which many of us do as its so horrible"
That said I am like you and take solace in tv and Internet because it's the only time I'm ever really not stressed.
It's been a very hard weekend here with the phone issue. I tend to talk to her today but she is still so snappy and I end up feeling furious.
I have felt a but depressed today, life just feels a battle and that I'm constantly trying to outwit her.
I have come to bed just to have some space and watch homeland.

OP posts:
BlueJug · 06/12/2015 21:33

Thank you for that. I know that what you say makes sense. I was so low yesterday I could barely function. I did talk to him today and said that if he didn't go to the shop and buy some bread he'd have nothing for lunch tomorrow. He went.

(Sounds a bit Dickensian but he'd eaten half a loaf since last night and there was none in the freezer)

BlueJug · 06/12/2015 21:36

Oh, and the "constant outwitting" is exhausting. I've just heard him in my "office" - he says he is doing nothing but I no longer trust him at all.

cleo14 · 06/12/2015 22:10

I agree that sometimes you need to detach for your own sanity.

Original poster
Ledkr · 07/12/2015 06:34

Yes, they are so sneaky aren't they? I hate leaving her here, she mooches through my stuff, helps herself to my make up but makes no attempt to conceal it, eats all the snacks and again leaves all the evidence.
She came and sat next to me on the bed lasts night but I couldn't even bring myself to speak.
I had 3 boys and was so excited to have a daughter but never envisaged this.
Still not sure what to do about the phone, any other opinions welcome.

OP posts:
Fleurdelise · 07/12/2015 07:44

How do you increase your presence with teenagers?

After the weed discussion he wasn't allowed to go out all weekend so I suggested we now find a to programme we could watch together the three of us after the little one is in bed. My suggestion was met with a straight refusal. I don't know what else to suggest. He is not rude, just doesn't want our presence, he spent all his Sunday in his room. Luckily he cleaned his room at my request but that was it. No desire to spend time with us.

bigTillyMint · 07/12/2015 10:52

Fleur, it's very difficult isn't it?

My DD(16) went through a stage like that - probably worst about 13-15. She still likes time on her own/away from us, but she also chooses to spend a lot of time with us now. DS(14) rarely goes up to his room!

It is hard to know what to do for the best. And what might be working at one time/or for one child might not work at another time or for another.

fieldfare · 07/12/2015 11:25

Ledkr, I'd send it back. Although I'm in an awfully down mood at the moment so might not be best to judge. There needs to be a consequence to her behaviour, opening someone else's post is actually illegal, and by giving her the phone even at a later date would just be sending the wrong message for me.
I understand it's bloody hard though.

Fleur, how do I increase my presence? We bake together a lot. Something recent was introducing her to Pinterest and sending her things on there that I'll think she'll like. Soppy things about how much I love her, fancy hair ideas, inspirational pictures or quotes. She now sends things to me she thinks I'll like - recipes, funny pictures of animals etc. We watch some programmes together, things like the Apprentice where we can shout at their stupidity together instead of at each other.

bluejug, if you don't want him in your office and feel he can't be trusted then you could always put a lock on the door. Not ideal I know, but an option still.

All these problems with weed, I'm not sure how I'd handle that as we've not got there yet. Both Dh and I smoked in our youth, more homegrown dried stuff than resin or skunk, so I'm not sure how we'd manage that. We've both turned out fine, are motivated and achieving adults without mental health issues.

Dd has been fine the last few days, until she spoke to her father on the phone last night and then all hell broke loose with her attitude. Full on tantrum as I wasn't doing something fast enough for her liking (ordering Xmas gifts for her friends, on my iPad, on my Amazon account!), so I refused to the order the gifts. I'll support her to the end of the earth but not if she talks to me and treats me like a sodding moron. Then we had tears and upset. She's anxious of what will happen when she next goes and as he isn't broaching the elephant in the room she thinks their conversations are false and he's secretly angry with her.
I then had a phone call with him where I'm having to counsel him to make the right choice in supporting his daughter. He actually said that he thinks her self harming was a way to manipulate him into doing what she wants, which is to allow her to be veggie. Wtaf. If he gives in now then he thinks it condones the self harm! Am bashing my head against a brick wall.

Tillysmum99 · 07/12/2015 13:51

Hi count me in too please, we have had a nightmare year with my DD (15) she had experienced Bullying in school since Y7 which has led to depression and self harm, due to the school not dealing with this properly she started a new school for Y11 this year. She has been attending counselling in CAMHS for around 8 months but things have escalated to the point that her Dad and I have had to take her out of school last week so we can watch her 24/7. Now her brother has started showing symptoms of anxiety too, he has just started Y8. I feel for her as she has had a lot of health issues to deal with over the last 10 years which I am sure had also contributed. I would welcome a break though as we just seem to swing from one crisis to the next. I feel like giving up my pt job as I always seem to be looking for time off for appointments or sick was, I sure they will get fed up with me soon. What do you find helps you to cope with the stress?

Original poster
Ledkr · 07/12/2015 22:29

I drink more these days!
I'm not joking either.
I watch tv a lot as its escapism. I like my job and my four year old is lush.
Dh is amazing too. I am very lucky.
Not a bad night tonigh but she wanted ME to watch her sing and play piano which I did but she was getting so angry if she made a mistake so I left.
She's fallen out with so many of her friends too, I can't imagine its all them, she must be annoying them too.

OP posts:
BlueJug · 07/12/2015 23:19

I have a lock on my bedroom door. he found the spare key so he could go in and use my computer to watch porn on. The office is a through room so no door.

Stealing all the snacks - yes. Going through my stuff- yes.

Today was actually a good day but his homework was three lines of French. Three lines. It was practically illegible and he did it in ten minutes in front of the telly. I was ashamed. His tutor, (no school), tries hard and this just shows no respect, no effort, nothing.
fieldfare - that is very hard, very hard indeed.
Ledkr I probably wouldn't send the phone back as it will set you up for a bad Christmas and everyone will suffer. I understand that you could barely talk to her though. You will need some time.

I don't have much to offer just yet. I did take your advice and attempt to increase my presence though. I played a game of chess with him last night - and it went well. He liked the engagement, there was no talking other than about the moves we were making and it was quite short. So thank you for the "push" to make the effort.

Original poster
Ledkr · 08/12/2015 07:22

By the way. Please don't think I'm offering my own advice here. I was just pointing out what training has suggested.
I'm doing lots more in feb so I'll bd able to pass it on.
I think it means don't give up and back off (which is what I do) but stay in there, sticking with rules and boundaries.

My eldest boy was like yours, it was largely due to weed. He stole everything, was sneaky, devious, I never knew what was coming next.
I had to ask him to leave at 17 but helped him out still.
He went to the YMCA where he did really well for a bit before messing that up and getting kicked out! He came home for a bit and was ok but he can't keep a job for long even now and is a compulsive liar.
I often wonder if he's ASD.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ledkr · 08/12/2015 07:25

I've learned this week that although they show they don't care they actually do!
Dd called my mum in tears so at least I know she's still got emotions other than rage Grin

OP posts:
bigTillyMint · 08/12/2015 07:53

BlueJug, that sounds like a great start re the chess.

And Ledkr and others with 13-15yo teen girls, I sympathise completely - very emotional and dramatic and overly sensitive and ego-centric.... Slightly better now at nearly 16 1/2!

I am praying that my two make it through to Christmas with no major problems at school!

fieldfare · 08/12/2015 07:57

Tillysmum that sounds really full on. If going to work gives you a bit of sanity and allows you to be you, not mum for a bit then I'd not give it up. If it's causing you stress having to ask for time off etc and you can afford to not work then I'd give it up and channel the energy elsewhere.
That was helpful fence sitting wasn't it?! Ha!
Blue, I'd go freaking bananas at that. What was the consequence of behaving that way? Is it possible for you to lock your router down so sites like that can't be accessed? Well done for the game of chess!
Ledkr, I join you with the drinking more! Not necessarily the best thing but I also get into the gym every day or do a class so the endorphins have to help. What was your Dd crying to your Mum about?

Socialaddict · 08/12/2015 09:04

Ledkr what training are you doing? BTW I have not done any training but decided to turn over a new leaf with my DD after I noticed things were starting to go wrong, i.e increase my presence, giving her a bit of a leeway and not nagging about everything like I used to. I still nag and have boundaries but not as much as before. It seems to work a treat at the moment. She communicates better, shares stories from school etc. Had I known what effect my change of behaviour would have had on her, I would have done it much earlier. I used to be very strict with her and pick on every little thing, but now I have changed, as I realised that not everyone operates the same way as me and it is working.
The other night, I caught her lying to me about where she'd been and instead of going mad at her as I would have previously, I though about it for half an hour how to approach the subject (I did not want to leave it unnoticed, DH preferred me to leave it) and went and spoke to her calmly and told her that I really hate people lying to me about anything and especially her and it really disappoints me. She said she did not tell me as she thought I would be angry that she did not stay close to home and instead went miles away. I said to her that even though I might have been angry, it would have been better for her to tell me exactly where she was going instead of lying. In the end all was good, no tantrums, no tears and I hope this will not happen again. If it does, than I'll act firmer but I still believe that the best way to deal with teens is A LOT OF talking, less shouting, punishments etc as they have no beneficial effect in the long run. Regarding your story with the phone - I would leave it at that. She will not have anything to open on Christmas day when everyone else is opening their presents and hopefully she'll learn from this. If she cried to your mum, this means that she still has feelings and perhaps you are not managing to deal with it correctly (apologies if it sounds patronising). Perhaps try a different approach with her, try sitting her down (at the right moment) and asking her how she prefers you to speak to her, deal with problems etc and listen to what she has to say. Maybe take her out on a one to one with you, go to a café and chat. I know it is hard especially when you are angry and resentful but maybe give it another go and see if it works.

BlueJug · 08/12/2015 09:07

I have put the parental controls on the router but it surprising what gets through. Also I lift the controls sometimes so that I can access certain sites or my DD when she is home can do homework - and then forget to put them back on. I have fine-tuned it a bit now and can block/allow sites but it is a blunt instrument.

The porn thing is a whole different question and no time to go into it now. (Work to go to!). I am valuing the input here though - thank you.

(And yes, I think they do care, really).

The weed is a terrible problem and I do think that this is something that needs action on a national level. My DD does not use it as far as I know but friends of hers do. My DS does not have access yet as he has no real independent life, (no friends etc)

OK - off to work!

Fleurdelise · 08/12/2015 11:59

I'll try and increase our presence even though all my suggestions currently are met with a refusal, he'd rather be in his room than spend time with us.

I just came back from the meeting with the school deputy following the weed issue. She showed me all the proof they had and I felt more positive as his presence on the group chat was not as high as others. He did smoke (which he already admitted to) but some of the dialogues there were scary, one of his friends was mentioning ketamine and another one mdma (I think is called). We discussed plans of actions, such as us doing the weed testing and the school involving a youth worker from January and holding drug related workshops for all the students. One of the boys got permanently excluded and while it brakes my heart for his carers (he lives with his grandparents) I think it will be a wake up call for the others in the group.

I'll also be put in touch with the other parents so we can discuss the issue hopefully together we may be stronger.

Ds was then called in to be presented with the future, a bright one if he backs off the use of weed or exclusion if he is caught smoking weed. Not sure what he made of it as our presence there was a complete surprise but other than his surprise there was no other reaction. He could be a great poker player for what is worth...

Socialaddict · 08/12/2015 12:11

Fleur I am sure this would have been a wake-up call for him even if he did not show it. It sounds like everyone around him is determined to help, which is really positive and they notice this. I would advise you to persevere with the increased presence and just showing him love and that you care and am sure it will have a positive effect. I have no advise about the weed issue at all, but really sympathise with all of you, who are faced with this problem, it sounds really scary! Good luck to all!

Fleurdelise · 08/12/2015 12:21

Thank you socialaddict, as we said to him in the meeting we cannot lock him away, we can only try and talk sense to him, but ultimately is his decision what he wants to do with his life.

We presented him with consequences such as the fact that now I am not happy with him and the school will not allow the "blacklisted" kids to go to Amsterdam next year for their geography trip. That I will not allow and participate financially to him getting a driving licence if I know he will still be smoking weed at 17. That if he gets excluded he will not stay home doing nothing but work and at this age he can't get any qualifications. I hope he is listening and not just nodding for the sake of letting us believe it is all well...

Socialaddict · 08/12/2015 12:40

Fleur I am sure he was listening! Just keep talking and it will go in at some point, I am sure! Good luck, it is such a hard age. My DD is 15 so not out of the woods yet either.

RainbowDashed · 08/12/2015 14:07

I hope you don't mind if I lurk, my eldest is 11 but already showing some of the behaviour above - moody, lazy, entitled, dirty... it's really showing since she started y7 that she isn't a little girl any more. I'll be picking up hints and tips on how to cope.

Re the weed smoking - that really concerns me. I honestly didn't realise it was so prevalent at such a young age, naive I know. I didn't really have a chance to try it until I was at sixth form. I smoked way too much through my A level and university years and for a couple of years afterwards - basically spent my late teens / early 20's in a weed induced haze - so I have personal experience of how it can demotivate you and leave you wondering what might have been if I'd only been able to apply myself better. Might be useful to have that to pull out of the bag should I need to.

fieldfare · 09/12/2015 07:50

Fleur, that's all so worrying, especially the talk of ketamine and mdma. Where on earth are these kids getting this from?! I hope some of it did sink in, that's all you can do now I guess. Hope it did and hope he wakes up a bit to the impact of poor choices.

Hi Rainbow :)

We seem to have hit on a positive way for Dd to get done the things she has to. List making! No idea why it's working now when it never did before!!! i write a small list on a post it and it all has to be done before she picks her phone back up from the hall table. No tablet, only using my laptop for school homework as there's nothing distracting on there for her. She's agreed it's working better as she can see what needs to be done, doesn't feel like I'm nagging and gets satisfaction from ticking them off. I put something nice or a bit silly on there. Yesterday's last chore was: make 2 cups of tea, a smiley face with biscuits and come and watch a programme with me.
Long may it continue!