Anyone want a mum of teenagers support thread

[Ledkr]

Thought we could swap ideas, sound off and generally help each other through it.
Lots of you will know from here I'm no shrinking violet but my nearly 14 yr old dd is slowly breaking my spirit, home has become a miserable place to be and I know I'm messing this up.
I've had 3 teen boys and have worked all my life with various types of challenging young person and I'm pretty well respected but my own child is draining the life out of me.
The thing is, it's not huge behavioural stuff, it's probably very normal. I need to learn to pick my battles I know but I simply cannot ignore blatant rudeness or pick up someone's knickers often still containing a sanitary towell and not react.
Is this the answer? Compromise my integrity and become a skivvy just for a quiet life?
I could go on, but I'll see if anyone wants to listen first.
Thanks if you read so far

I could really do with this thread! DD is not too bad in comparison to some teens I guess but she seemed to change almost overnight when she hit 13 and I'm finding it pretty hard to cope with. I really miss my little girl!

She had 2 inset days this week so I worked from home on one (so she could have her boyfriend over - wasn't comfortable leaving them here alone) then took yesterday off so we could go to London. It was a pretty good day but punctuated by ridiculous teen behaviour.

Example 1: I gave her £20 to spend and she just accepted it with a casual 'thanks' like it was her right, she is so bloody entitled! So I took it back and gave her a tenner. But then I caved in and bought her a MAC lipstick because it's so much nicer to see her happy. She made the effort to be grateful but I know she sees it as something she 'should' have rather than a treat - I was using crappy Rimmel and Avon stuff at her age but girls these days expect MAC, Nars and Urban Decay which I can only just afford to buy for myself - thanks a bloody lot Zoella, Tanya Burr et al!

Example 2: A cute little kid was watching us on the tube so DD smiles and waves at him. I do the same and make funny faces and I'm the most embarrassing person ever (in a carriage full of strangers) and 'creepy' as well.

Example 3: I got dragged into Primark on Oxford St which was heaving as she 'had' to buy a new school bag. The perfectly nice, not cheap rucksack that she begged me for in the summer is no longer good enough, she now has to carry her stuff in a fake leather oversized holdall thing like my granny used to bring her shopping home in.

The phone/internet thing really winds me up as well - she was on it on and off all day yesterday so was I a bit and at home she's constantly shut in her room texting, Face Timing, messaging, on YouTube. She has no other interests outside school any more except 'hanging out' but she seems to be doing well at school, gets lots of commendations so I don't feel I can say too much.

I thought parenting a small child was hard work but it was a bloody walk in the park compared to this!

" A cute little kid was watching us on the tube so DD smiles and waves at him."

DD (15) can't stand small children. She would have given him a death glare. She hates it when I acknowledge other people's small children/babies as well.

"I thought parenting a small child was hard work but it was a bloody walk in the park compared to this!"

Absolutely. We can't be in control any more. I think that part of it is us learning to let go, but mostly it is the constant dramas, friendship issues, bullying, lack of motivation etc. DD has GCSE mocks in a fortnight and hasn't done any revision.

Aaaargh!

twenty I can relate to the entitled behaviour. I woukd have passed out if my mum gave me a twenty pound note to shop with.
Dd also has Nars on her xmas list. I have ignored it. She will get money so I will be interested to see if she's as keen to spend thirty quid of it on make up.

Hugs for everyone having a hard time

The internet is a total minefield here too.

I lock her out of it at 9:30pm. I had to phone Sky and they talked me through how to do it . She does have 3G, but she only gets a small amount as part of her monthly allowance, once it's gone, it's gone so she has managed to self regulate that

Mine is also extremely entitled. She never used to be like it, but nothing is ever enough for her.

We had a bust up last night - she had a friend here for a sleepover and I asked her to tidy her pit of a room up so we could pull her put-you-up bed out. Histrionics from DD, but her friend just got a bin bag and tidied up.

We're going shopping today, gone are the days where we have a nice mooch round the shops with a visit to Starbucks. Now it's tantrums and stropping and "oh my god you are so embarrassing" hissed at me 1000 times per shop. Wish me luck

And yes. I have a four year old and am often dumbstruck when amongst my mum friends when they are talking about the struggles with their four year olds, mine seems like a breeze by comparison

I had 3 boys so was so delighted to get my girl.
Any dreams I had of shopping and stuff together were forgotten very quickly as I am just so embarrassing!

My compromise re the new school bag was that she has to use the previously bought rucksack for PE which means I can cross the £45 Jack Wills one off my Xmas shopping list - £45 to carry around mucky boots and sweaty kit! Just so she can look 'on fleek' or her mates can say 'omg school bag goals' in the ridiculous teenspeak they use!

Oh yes, the embarrassing mum. I get that all the time.

How long does that last for?

We have the dirty pants here too - DS - so it's not just the girls. I wash several times a week but rarely do I wash anything of DS's. I don't understand how his friends can stand being near him or.. perhaps they are all just as bad and can't smell each other???

Internet is also a problem. We have finally put DC on a timed router - currently switches off at 9pm but it seems DS has, yet again, got round the password. We had parental control on their computer but once he was at secondary school, he was obviously shown how to get round the admin password as any controls we set, he changed.

I consider myself fairly laid back as a parent. I try hard not to be demanding especially over stuff that's not important but it's hard not to let everything escalate when behaviour is bad or when the basics I expect (I.e. dirty washing in washing basket, crockery/cutlery downstairs, jobs completed) are not done as a matter of course and result in massive blow-ups.

Thing is, she doesn't seem to have any self awareness.

You know, I'm minding my own business, wandering through H&M, not really doing anything of note, whilst she's tutting, huffing, muttering under her breath and rolling her eyes, but I'm the embarrassing one.

I read something once likening puberty to a mild form of temporary brain damage. So much goes on with their body/hormones/etc, that some areas of their brain shut down. Made me feel better knowing that it wasn't all my fault

I dread shopping with dd now. She's rude and demanding and she is the embarrassing one (although of course she wouldn't agree!)

I'm encouraging her to shop with me online until she can control herself! Such a shame though.

Funnily enough my sister takes her shopping and they don't seem to have the same problems. Must be a mum/daughter thing?

Can I please join? Truely horrific situation with Dd17 at the moment, could do with a sounding board/ place to swap ideas & support

I don't get that when I take dd shopping. In fairness even at her worst (and it's been so much more awful than I can bear to think about or type on here) she's never been demanding or entitled for material items.

The opposite actually; it's hard getting her to show an interest in anything and sometimes when she has eg needed a new coat and found one she likes when it arrives she just ignores it.

Welcome That sorry you're having such a tough time too. I find it can be a bit of a lonely place, parenting a teen with more extreme behaviours.

Can I join please. Really struggling with DS 14. I just don't feel I know him anymore and kind of beyond my reach. He always wants to go out, is evasive about who/what/where, has lied about who he's with/where he's stayed. We have 'find phone' apps on our iPhone but he's managed to fix his so that it can show him in a different location to where he actually is. He think I'm nosy and stalk him! The problem is if I don't know what he's up to my vivid imagination will fill in the blanks. This is an important academic year and he's a clever boy but school work is out the window. You can force a child to sit down with their books but you can't force them to read them (not that I have). I want him to be happy and not moody so it's easy to give into his various requests but the bad mood isn't abated for long. Yesterday we were introduced to his new girlfriend. She seems nice but turns out she's 2 years older than him and has left school. I think I'm finding it particularly difficult as he has 3 older siblings all of whom sailed these teenage years. I suppose I should count myself lucky.

Yeah. Me too.
I have a ds (17) and a ds (14) (plus 3 others)
My ds1 is still in bed and I'm hoping he'll stay there for a bit longer.

Yes my ds is the same Maryz...changes into clean clothes 2/3 times a day...dumps it all in the wash bin each time.....uses all my hair products even though he has his own (albeit cheaper products)....I suppose I shouldn't moan but it's the expectation that I will constantly wash and dry his clothes as a priority even though there are others in our household and I work too

Dd puts everything in the wash. If it's still clean I fold it up and put it back.

My washing machine is broken. New one may not arrive until 9th December AAAARGH

Stress levels are v v high. I'm taking washing to a very generous friends.

Dd can't seem to remember where the wash is. If I put a laundry basket in her room she'd use it in lieu of a wardrobe and shove everything in there. It's a conundrum!

all around I think. DD14 is babysitting tonight for some friends of mine "because she is just so lovely, mature and responsible and our DCs just love her!". After today that comment almost made me cry.

As I mentioned she is in full on heartbreak mode as and the tears have been replaced by unadulterated rage. V charming, I tell you.

Am having supper with a dear friend and his DH and welcome the idea if a no DC night - which makes me feel like an awful mother! Badly needed though. Wishing you all a pleasant Saturday night! There you go, can't have this place run dry while I'm away!!

Me please! It helps sooo much to know it's not just me going though this!

Can I join in too? I have a DD(16) and DS(14) and can totally relate to all your woes!

We are actually in a relatively calm period - no doubt that will change immediately now I've said it!

For DD it was horrendous 13-16, due to a combination of normal teenager stuff and additional bullying at school which led to her being diagnosed with a Panic Disorder. Life was a dreadful nightmare trying to balance supporting her (and spending the whole time worried sick) and not rising to the teenage dramas and hysterical screeching, etc.
For DS, he had been VERY hard work from toddler-hood at home, but when he hit puberty as he turned 12 he became much better at home, but much worse at school.

Seymour, wine and adult company to escape the trials of parenting a teen is a necessity. If I didn't have that, I wouldn't still be here!

Re washing, both of mine are like yours Maryz, which is better than sanitary pads on the floor I guess, but very wearing having to do washing and having the hot water on constantly

I allowed a sleepover last night.
Was ok actually. Normally they are a bit wild or won't go to sleep but they were pretty good.
This morning the bed was still on the floor in her room with spare bedding on it.
"Can u tidy up from your skeepover please dd"
"It's not messy"
"But the bed is still on the floor"
"FOR GODS SAKE, YOU ARE SOOOOOOO FUSSY"

yes of course the spare bedding should just sit in the floor forever, silly me.

She bought no washing down over the weekend so she will be off to school in a smelly shirt and dirty skirt.