Anyone want a mum of teenagers support thread

[Ledkr]

Thought we could swap ideas, sound off and generally help each other through it.
Lots of you will know from here I'm no shrinking violet but my nearly 14 yr old dd is slowly breaking my spirit, home has become a miserable place to be and I know I'm messing this up.
I've had 3 teen boys and have worked all my life with various types of challenging young person and I'm pretty well respected but my own child is draining the life out of me.
The thing is, it's not huge behavioural stuff, it's probably very normal. I need to learn to pick my battles I know but I simply cannot ignore blatant rudeness or pick up someone's knickers often still containing a sanitary towell and not react.
Is this the answer? Compromise my integrity and become a skivvy just for a quiet life?
I could go on, but I'll see if anyone wants to listen first.
Thanks if you read so far

[WillIEverBeASizeTen]

Update on airport run. My friends husband is now taking 3 of them. But I still feel guilty about not doing it
Llamas..yes I would also say to somebody else "no don't take him" but it's not so easy is it?!

I shall now be a wreck for 10 days, while I fret about him drinking on an empty stomach/not eating at all and spending all his money on drink/sunstroke while sunbathing with a hangover/not wearing sun cream/having his drink spiked/getting into trouble with Spanish police..and any other negativism/worry I can think of, nerves are frazzled already.

This is going to be a very long 10 days

[Moetandchandon]

MyLlamas I identify with what you are going through. I have had many nights where I have cried myself to sleep over the arguments and confrontation with dd17. The total selfishness and total disregard for mine and dh's feelings was, and still is at times, hard to take. I felt not frightened, but intimidated by her, not because I thought she would hurt me, but because her outbursts could quite easily end up in her shouting and her flinging something around her room, and as Peebles mentioned, I don't like/can't face confrontation. Things are much better now but I still feel that I am careful about what I say sometimes in order to avoid creating a bad atmosphere. Its complicated.
Cowboy my sympathies.
WillIever I am dreading dd's first holiday on her own for the same reasons you mention. I suspect, however, the way things are going, that her first holiday will be with the bf, as she is besotted with him, and that doesn't seem as bad as a group of crazy girls going mad together! At least he will look after her! What are his friends like? Maybe they are sensible and they will take care of each other. No point in telling you not to worry as you are going to anyway but just try and enjoy some you time.

[3catsandcounting]

Moët - oh that horrible feeling when the atmosphere in the house changes! I've realised I'm too much of a people-pleaser and would do almost anything to keep the peace (I suppose mainly for younger DS, as he hates any bad feeling in the house too) and I don't want my house, or anything in it to get damaged!

I am getting better at detaching though; now that DD has turned 19, and has firm plans for uni in Sept (2+ hours away) I think we are both realising things are going to change.
Her moods and outbursts have definitely lessened in the last 12 months, maybe because she actually has something to look forward to. Her worst times were between 16 and 18, when doing A levels. She admits now that she hated every moment, and it was mostly me that got the backlash of that!

She's still, at times, very intolerant, especially of me. I'm a pretty competent person, but sometimes, when she's around, I become a bumbling idiot who can't use the self-serve till at Tesco or switch the printer on at home. I get angry with myself and her, which makes things worse.

She actually cleaned, tidied and rearranged her bedroom yesterday. I was , but just said, "oh yes, much better, don't forget to bring your washing down"; then breezed off downstairs and filled my wine glass!
Definitely detaching!!

[Peebles1]

What are your DH's like (those discussing avoiding confrontation)? Something bad happened to DS1 last year, and he had some excellent therapy to get through it. He told me tonight that according to his therapist, DH is narcissistic and I'm an enabler Really not nice to hear. That means (to me) DH bullied the kids and I let him Which ties in with me avoiding confrontation. Great. 20 years of parenting trashed. Something else to feel bad about.

[WillIEverBeASizeTen]

Moet..I wish he was going with a gf. My DD went away with mates when she was 17, but she was sensible. I'm sure they got up to all sorts but I wasn't half as worried as I am about DS. Young lads are so immature and they egg each other on*
Peebles..*that must be awful to hear, I really feel for you. My DS has been very difficult since the day he was born, not in a crash bang wallop sort of way, just manipulative. I had a terrible relationship with his DF and we split when he was 9. XP was/is a hopeless dad, I compensated every which way to my detriment, I didn't cope very well. I'm waiting for the day my DS says something to me. Sometimes I find the guilt completely overwhelming, and I just want to curl up in a ball and shut the world out.

I'm certain that maturity will kick in and they/we will come out the other side, it's just a long wait

[Peebles1]

Thanks WillI. The awful thing is DS1 is lovely - not a bad bone in his body. I don't think he was trying to hurt me when he told me, just trying to get me to understand his POV. Apparently the therapist had suggested DH and I attend a session, but this was a year ago at his uni which is five hours away - and he didn't tell us. I'll offer to go now though. I do feel down about it. Don't want to tell DH as I think his 'role' is even more damning and hurtful. He's really not an evil person or anything! Very loving, funny, well liked etc. But in a stressful, authoritative job and we had three kids under three at one point. I think he just couldn't cope with their liveliness/noise and was too hard line. Also his DM was a bat to him (his DF was a honey). Uggghhhh! How complicated!! Should I have left him?! Who knows. Seems a bit extreme. I shall talk to DS about it. DD has had a very difficult relationship with DH, but I kind of 'won' with her eventually and stopped him from being hard line. DSx 2 didn't need hard line as teens, they were no bother. But is that coz the poor beggars felt brow beaten as little ones?? Bloody hell!

[Peebles1]

PS. Sorry WellI I made that all about me, didn't I? I was sad to read your post, especially about how bad you feel. We all do our best and I'm sure you were and are an excellent mum. They're well loved kids, no one's perfect and there are a hell of a lot worse parents about.

Hope you've heard from your DS on hols - I'm sure he'll be fine

[Moetandchandon]

Peebles don't feel bad. You said it yourself that we all just try and do our best and we don't always get it right. And from what I've read, and the advice and support you give, you are doing a fine job. And anyway, that was just one therapists take on the situation. It doesn't make it true and perhaps if ds had seen someone else they might have said something different.
My own Dh had a different upbringing to me (won't go into it but I feel a bit sorry for him!) and he is more strict and hard line with the Dc's and can detach, whereas I am softer and take their behaviour to heart too much when they are acting up.
It's bloody hard work isn't it?

[febel]

I am definitley in....mine (Yd..last one at home..19) makes me feel like the most worthless useless mother and person in the WHOLE world. She does v little (and how DO you make them clear up after themselves in the kitchen? I don't want dirty pans left in the sink/on the side but she just goes out and leaves them...can't stop her going out as has own car and p/t job so own money) v rarely tells me if she is going to be in or out for tea etc..so I presume out (correctly...usually out...at boyfriend's family home) and barely speaks to me. She is coming home for lunch at the moment and I have been in (shift changed) but tells me to shut up and that she doesn't want to speak to anyone in her lunch hour, just catch up on programmes on her i pad. She does have MH issues but I don't know how much of her behaviour is down to them and how much is just plain lack of empathy, rudeness and nastiness. She tells me frequently that she hates it at home, that we don't get on (she doesn't make any effort to, with me or her dad) that she hates being in with me, that I don't have a right to any of the house as I work part time so can't have contributed toward the mortgage as my wage isn't a full time one (had to work part time, couldn't afford child care when needed it) If she is in a temper she fs and bs at me too, which I find unacceptable. It's like living with a hurricane, or being on a roller coaster and v stressful.

So yes, a shout out for all those mums (and dads and carers) of difficult teenagers. My first two weren't so bad but I've met my nemisis now......

[Peebles1]

Thank you Moët that's nice of you. I feel a lot better about it now. I spoke to DS and he kind of said the same as you - that it was only one person's perception and they don't know us. A friend also spoke some wise words to me about how someone may present as 'narcissistic' in some of their behaviours, but they aren't actually one. I need to speak a bit more with him about it (you know what lads are like, the time has to be right), and maybe to my other two DCs too.

DD has settled down. Sleeping well, etc etc. But horrid bf has drawn her back into his life. Though she insists they're just friends and she won't go back to him. I just hope that's true. I get very angry to myself sometimes that he's done all he has yet she still gives him the time of day. But not a lot I can do except keep talking to her.

Hope things are ok with everyone else - it's been quiet on here so I'm assuming so. Apart from the previous post obviously! Sorry to hear you are going through all this with your 19 year old. It's so hard when they're late teens and you have very little say in things.

[girlandboy]

And here we go again.
After a period of relative calm I'm feeling anxious and stressed again.
DS (16) has told me that for a year he has been chatting/Skype ing online to a girl who lives 140 miles away. She's 14.
He only told me about a month ago.
He now wants to meet up with her, by him travelling by train. According to him her parents are fine with this. My DH and I have said no.
We think they're too young, especially her. I wouldn't have been happy if my DD had wanted to do this at 14!

Now apart from it costing £50 in train fare, which he hasn't got and the fact he's never travelled alone, it just doesn't sit easy with us.

So....cue the nasty moods, the banging around and the feeling I'm living on a knife edge in my own home.

I can't cope again.

On top of my Dad dying 4 weeks ago, I just want to run away. I'm sick of trying to sort other peoples problems out. I'm so near to tears all the time. I feel nauseous and last night I lay here in bed with chest pains. I'm sure it's all stress related.

I am utterly sick of it all. I am so tired.

[Moetandchandon]

Girlandboy my condolences to you on the loss of your dad.
I would have done the same under the circumstances and not allowed ds to travel so far to meet this girl. It would not sit right with me either. Ds will probably stomp around for a while and then calm down I'm sure.I also know the feeling of treading on eggshells in your own home and it's awful. I have in the past stayed late at work or gone out in the car just to avoid going home as the atmosphere has been so uncomfortable.

I've not got any great advice, just the usual stuff about trying to take time out for yourself and relax etc. Tbh I couldn't do that very easily but any distractions do help.

I hope things improve for you soon.

[WillIEverBeASizeTen]

Peebles..sorry it has been a while but thanks for your post, it made me feel better. Doesn't take long before it wears off though! DS survived Magaluf thankfully, however the lead up etc goes like this..I gave him £1000 (mixture of bday monies put away over the years and me putting bits by) he had over £400 tax rebate plus his earnings, so maybe around £1500. How much did he have left to take away? £310! Spent it on clothes, pizza and god knows what else..very disappointed.

So..while away he calls me "hi mum, having a great time..miss u" hmm I should be so lucky.."mum, I had some money that someone owes me but doesn't have it now..can u transfer me some and I pay it back" foolishly I LENT him the money, he's made no attempt to give me anything back.

And now tonight I'm fuming. A few days ago he asked to borrow my iPad charger (which is normally locked in my room) I let him on the proviso DO NOT TAKE IT OUT OF THIS HOUSE.. "I won't" ..he did tonight. I've no charger for my phone and luckily my iPad is on 50%. I'm so upset that he's done this I really am, so fed up with him just take take take. I've overreacted I know but I couldn't contain myself. Just come home from a 14 hour day at work to this selfish individual out looking for bloody Pokemon with my charger!!!

I'm sorry..I've completely hijacked this thread because I've lost my marbles

[WillIEverBeASizeTen]

Febel..Moët and girl..I will respond to your posts..im just having a complete breakdown..it's always the little things that tip you over the edge

[WillIEverBeASizeTen]

To all..so sorry for my late night rant..I'm off to work now..back later

[WillIEverBeASizeTen]

Febel..your DD sounds very similar to my DS. I just don't remember me or my siblings treating my Mum like that, she only had to give a look and we knew that was far enough! There is such a huge lack of respect from kids these days. Don't get me wrong, I remember 'answering back' but that's as far as it went, I knew the boundaries. Your DD Is 19 so hopefully it may start getting better..living in hope for you and all of us here..

[WillIEverBeASizeTen]

Girl..sorry for your loss, it must be very difficult for you. I lost my Mum when DS was 14, very difficult time.

I wouldn't be happy with your DS situation either, but what do you do? They just have no idea what they do, utterly selfish. And yes, it's very tiring and emotionally draining..

[Peebles1]

WillI - oh Lordy, yep I'd be fuming too. I've learnt that they eat chargers and headphones. We ordered a stash cheap off Amazon as reserves. I realise this is rolling over and accepting our fate at their hands, instead of reading them the riot act - but hey, just being practical in my opinion. We still have a go at them, but at least we're not left without a charger.

Re: the money - yes I'd be pissed off too if they frittered all that money away, but I suppose it's his money. And you mention him earning which is good. But I'd probably insist he pay me back the extra you sent over. Hard to refuse when they're abandoned abroad though - been there.

Anyway, hope you're feeling a bit more chilled now. I've had two glasses of wine - can you tell?

[Moetandchandon]

Well only 2 more weeks and dd goes back to 6th form (providing she does OK in her AS exams) and already I am starting to get the jitters. She's had more than 2 months off so far where she has done nothing but hang around with her bf/friends and although she has not lifted a finger at home, it's been nice not to have to nag her about revision and all that, and I've kind of let everything go just to have a peaceful summer. I'm stupid I know.
I'm just not looking forward to it all starting up again.

[Tweeterer]

I definitely need to be in this thread! DD (16) has returned to previous BF who treated her terribly and she ended up with migraines and weight loss. She lied the other night and spent the night with him. I have banned everything and grounded her apart from her summer job. I just don't feel like I'm dealing with this very well......

[Peebles1]

You never know Moët, next year might be different I know how you feel though. I'm getting the jitters about DD's A-level results, as I just don't know which way they'll go, and what she'll end up doing if she doesn't get into uni. Bit of a crossroads really. I'm really hoping the 'nagging her about school/college' days are over, though.

[Peebles1]

Tweeterer, I totally relate to your post. We've had a year of it with 18 year old DD and her bf. He's very bad news - heavily involved with drugs, mixing with dangerous people and dragging DD into potentially dangerous situations. She finally finished with him 2 months ago, but still has feelings for him, is in contact with him and I suspect stayed at his last week.

All I can say is keep talking, talking, talking, but there've been plenty of times when I've handled it wrongly. She seems to have realised for herself it won't work, but it's so difficult understanding how she can still care about someone that treats her so badly. I think she just has to work through it herself but it's incredibly hard to watch. My biggest hope is that she gets away to uni, but it's only an hour away so the relationship could easily continue.

I feel for you going through this - wish I had the answer

[girlandboy]

Well I finally lost it and dissolved into a soggy lump.
DH suggested that I could perhaps do with a few days away on my own. Now I've never been away on my own, and I do have issues with my nerves, so I'm wondering if I'm actually up to it?
I've found a little cottage to rent for 3 nights only about an hours drive away. I could read, eat what I want when I want, visit a couple of pretty towns that are nearby.
Should I do it?
Part of me is wondering if it might make DS worse because he'll know that I've gone because of him. Or will it be a shock to his system that Mum has finally lost it and he needs to change his ways/manner? Or will he even notice that I've gone seeing that he rarely leaves his room? And will DD then be arsey with DS because she'll blame him for me going?
Oh god....what to do?

[Peebles1]

Go, girlandboy, it may do you good and you sound like you need it. A bit of space can make all the difference to all concerned. Your DD doesn't need to 'blame' DS. You've lost your Dad and been through a lot. Everything will be contributing to you feeling like you need a break.

to you.

[girlandboy]

Thanks Peebles1

I've emailed and booked it! Gulp!!