Anyone want a mum of teenagers support thread

[Ledkr]

Thought we could swap ideas, sound off and generally help each other through it.
Lots of you will know from here I'm no shrinking violet but my nearly 14 yr old dd is slowly breaking my spirit, home has become a miserable place to be and I know I'm messing this up.
I've had 3 teen boys and have worked all my life with various types of challenging young person and I'm pretty well respected but my own child is draining the life out of me.
The thing is, it's not huge behavioural stuff, it's probably very normal. I need to learn to pick my battles I know but I simply cannot ignore blatant rudeness or pick up someone's knickers often still containing a sanitary towell and not react.
Is this the answer? Compromise my integrity and become a skivvy just for a quiet life?
I could go on, but I'll see if anyone wants to listen first.
Thanks if you read so far

It has done me the power of good after reading these posts to know that my 14 yo dd is Normal in that her bedroom is the pits, my cutlery is sadly depleted, breakfast bowls and dinner plates have just vanished and she acts 24/7 as if she truly hates me, reminding me of my dear ex wife's pmt.
My dd lives with me full time, I thought I was failing!! I probably am but it seems I am not alone.
Happy days

Well things have improved here. DD (18) a lot calmer since finishing A-levels. No idea if she'll get in to uni - I chuckle at the 'DD/DS off to uni in Sept' posts - would be nice to be confident of that!!

She has stuck to splitting up from the bf (been 5 weeks now). She started to meet him again, but found out he was dealing, stealing, bla bla and so ended it properly. Fingers crossed she doesn't weaken. She's sort of chatting to another lad who seems very nice, so we'll see. Would prefer her to stay single a while. Four years of boyfriends and nothing but trouble.

But, take heart folks. She's home EVERY NIGHT (unheard of previously) and is PLEASANT! And has a part time job. Maybe 18 is the magic age? Look out, I'll be posting next week eating my words!!

Hang on in there everyone - it's bloody awful isn't it?!

Peebles - it's gladdened my heart to see your post. I'm so glad things are getting better.
My DD is also continuing to improve (with the odd strop here and there!) She was offered a conditional place at her chosen uni, and got a p/t job over the summer which she really enjoys. She's just received her results from her Foundation degree which secures her Uni place. The bf that she kept going back to seems to be well and truly out of the picture and there's someone else on the scene who seems lovely!
She'll be heading off 2+ hours away in Sept, which, this time last year, when she should have gone, seemed impossible.
Not saying we're out of the woods yet (I'm doubting we'll ever really be!) but time, medication, a few boosts to her confidence, and a tiny bit of maturity have gone a long way.
(and I'm ignoring her bombsite bedroom until September!)

Hi everyone..haven't posted for a while but read the threads.

My DS is 18. Lazy, selfish and entitled. Has no interests apart from his phone and out all hours. I'm a LP and I come home from work every day to a tip and I'm just miserable. I moan and nag continually. I'm actually happy when he's not here because I can't see the laziness, but I'm so dreadfully unhappy. It's not how I want it to be yet I can't stop nagging him. He must hate the sight of me I'm so miserable.

I don't know what to do to improve the situation. He's allegedly going to university in September, another 4 years of education wasted, just like the last 7, but it will be a relief and possibly a time for maturation, I live in hope.

I so want a relationship with my son, how can I stop the constant nagging?

I was so happy not to need this (not quite life-saving but certainly sanity-saving) thread after a relatively peaceful few months with ds1.
Things are difficult again now but this thread does help as I feel less alone with the problem.
Ds will be off to uni in the autumn and at the moment I am looking forward to that so much. No empty nest syndrome here!
I feel terrible saying that.

3cats so pleased to see things are improving for you too. I also feel pretty sure we're not out of the woods, and if she gets to uni I've no idea if she'll cope. But at least things are heading in the right direction!

Jinksy and WillI - maybe things will improve once they go to uni? I've read that a lot on here - a bit of space makes them appreciate you a bit more. And at least you might start to feel better not having to put up with the tension/mess etc on a daily basis.

peebles that's what I'm looking forward to, not having to deal with it on a daily basis!

I'm hoping I will look forward to having him home

Peebles and 3cats so pleased to hear things are on the up for both of your dd's. Long may it continue.
WillIever and Jinsky I feel your pain but once they move away it surely has to get better. Time away from each other will give everyone a chance to calm down and relax.

Thanks Moët. How's things with you? Sympathies about the disappearing act to the boyfriends' house. I had four years of it and no doubt she'll be just as intense with the next one.

Has she tidied any more drawers yet? DS1 home tonight. Bring on the mess!!

Moet - DD took it upon herself to 'clear' her bedroom the other day. 'Great' I thought; progress!
The bin bags appeared on the landing. With everything, and I mean everything, from her drawers. Dumped. Binned.
Pens, pencils, all usable. Unopened bath stuff, unused notebooks, old baby photos, Christening presents, the lot!!

There seems to be no sense or thought of what she'd disposed of. But more, no sentiment.

Oh God they're weird aren't they?! DD will have a big clear out - but she doesn't want to actually throw the stuff away. Nor does she want it in her room as too cluttered - touch of OCD?! So would I find somewhere to keep it? Granted she has a very small room, but we also have a very small house so there's no spare storage. Grrrr! I take it to my room then sneak it under her bed later.

On another note - she's run out of Citalopram. She rang to order more but they won't be ready till Tuesday. So three days without. Anyone any experience of this? Don't want her to come crashing down, but not sure how to get any apart from urgent care which seems a bit drastic. If I'd known I would've told the GP surgery she needs them now, but DD sorted it herself

Oh yes. As I type this DS (15) is out with friends at a local outdoor concert. We agreed we would pick him up at 11pm. He then rang and asked if he could go on from the concert to a party at someones house we had never heard of and sleep there. We said very firmly no.

Then he texted and asked the same question again. We offered an extension to midnight IF he was outside the concert venue waiting for us. I just have a dreadful feeling he wont be there and we will end up wandering around a field in the dark trying to find him.

And DH and I have disagreed about all of this. Sorted out now but fair to say our evening is ruined.

Peebles - do you have a walk- in centre nearby? I've had to do this in the past, and they were very helpful.

Or, if you take the empty pack to your usual pharmacy, they should be able to tide you over with enough tablets (not easy on a Sunday!)
Hope you get it sorted.

Lazy son, age 16, food, drinks all over bedroom floor! Amazes me how clean he keeps his body and clothes but not his room!

hobbington I also can never find cutlery / plates/ cups/ bowls!

This thread is great. DS2 was where he was supposed to be last night and actually I think he was secretly relieved that we had said no to the party, although he would never admit it.

Have just asked DS1 if he will let me know if he is going to be home for tea so I know whether to save him some. He looked at me like I was from another planet.

Hope you got sorted out with meds for dd Peebles. If not what about ringing the docs in the morning and they might rush things through. At least it would be a day earlier.
No more tidying here. Dd made her bed once, after I asked, but nothing since . She is still out all the time and really full on with bf, and even when she's home she might as well not be as she is holed up in her room glued to her phone. I'm still always trying to include her in things and offering to take her shopping, for lunch etc but she always politely refuses. Its a bit down heartening really.
On the other hand, ds's girlfriend is always at our house so we can't be that bad

I feel like running away all the time. Two with ASD, DS still a sweetheart, DD 15 not been to school in months, won't do anything she doesn't want to as 'no incentive', takes money, lies and stinks. CAMHS etc all involved and all very sympathetic (towards her). I am losing work and we don't get any DLA or anything and I feel sick worrying about money and she doesn't care. I lie in bed unable to sleep and full of rage and despair. She tells elaborate lies about us to people and they believe her, she'll do anything to make people feel sorry for her and buy her things. I'm not coping. Hugs to you all.

Well I'm back here. My 15yo daughter has just so pissed me off tonight Ive taken to my bed crying.
In the huge scheme of things it's nothing huge or shocking. Just the relentless selfishnes's. Her entitlement. Her fucking shit self centred attitude.

I actually think I'm losing it. I've started to think in a paranoid way like she is being like this just to get at me.
Just so angry and sad right now. I'm not sure I can take much more.
I had a horrifying moment earlier today in that I think I'm frightened of her. She's not violent just stubborn manipulative and shouty.

Cowboy..so much on your plate ..llamas..I feel like that a lot. When does it/will it end? I just hope it is a phase but my DS18 has been difficult since he was born!

He has been at a festival since Friday, came back yesterday. He goes to Magaluf on Wednesday. Has a face as long as a fiddleand can barely speak to me, except to ask "can you take me and my 2 mates to the airport Wednesday morning at 5am!! I'm a LP and on Tuesdays I do a 14 hour day getting in at 11.30pm completely shattered. I then have to work the next day too from 8.30. "But none of the other (2 parent families) can do it". Doesn't want to pay for a cab because he's spent most of his money, but quite happy for his old knackered wreck of a Mum to drive round picking everyone up at 5am then go off to work.

I asked him weeks ago how he was getting to the airport "we're all going together". If he'd asked me a week ago I could have rearranged my long shift day, but no, he doesn't give a stuff about me. I've said no, so he's being even more obnoxious..if that's possible

Am I wrong to refuse? I feel so so guilty

It'd the guilt isn't it. Why the he'll do we do it to ourselves? Why do we feel guilty when they seem to not give a shit.
I was reading your post WillIEver - and thinking just don't take him, but know how hard it is to actually see that through and just like me, having stood firm your stressing over it and feeling guilty.

I don't think you're being harsh or mean but can fully understand your guilt. Hopefully someone else wi now step in to give them a lift.

I have some good news with a small breakthrough! my DS 18 finished A levels and has been a pain before and after. He is "motivational challenged and has acute procrastination issues". he kept leaving his bike out on the driveway and I kept saying if you don't lock your bike up it will get knicked and blow me, it was stolen on Friday. I was tempted to blow my top but i'd had a day off and so I just calmly said "well you are going to have spend money you don't want to to replace it." Then on Sunday I had a weak moment of pity, looked up on gumtree found a £20 quid bike , drove him to pick it up ( he paid). I was thinking that I had been a mug and he would learn nothing but then yesterday I left him a list of housework jobs saying this will take 2 hours so plan your day accordingly. In the afternoon I received a text at work from him saying " I am a domestic GOD! All done - took 21/2 hours though" got home - mostly done to my satisfaction, minor victory!!!

Thank you 3cats and Moët. Managed to get them a day early. She went a bit downhill yesterday and I've a strong feeling she met the horrible ex last night. But we'll see.

Moët - it is frustrating when they want to be with their bf all the time. DD would disappear for days on end. Couldn't see why we objected. You sound like you're doing all the right things. Nice that you have DS's gf a lot, too. Wonder if her DM is saying the same as you, haha?!

Lovebeingamum - glad DS was where he should be sounds like a good call on your part. I gave up on 'tea plans' years ago. Less stress and less cooking!

Cowboyjoe - sounds dreadful, you poor thing. Can you speak to CAMHS etc on your own? Get your POV across? Or together with your DD?

WillI and Llamas - they're inherently selfish at this age, aren't they? Re: being afraid of her, Llamas - maybe it's more that you can't face the confrontation? I know I've always been a bit like that and had to force myself with the DCs.

Anyway, hope everyone's having a better day. You are not alone!

Yay yay jaxzyj!! Long may it last!!