At the end of the road with dh 15

[HormonalHeap]

Ds 15 has a severe gaming addiction. About to get chucked out of school and kicked dh (his stepdad) in the stomach this morning before trying to throw him down the stairs. His violence has escalated and happens whenever we try and restrict his gaming. He will not see anyone to get help as he thinks the object is to restrict his gaming- the only thing he lives for. Dh and I had an hour with a psychologist who explained to us why this has happened and how he uses it as a means of escape from problems, but without him seeing anyone he can't be helped. I'm terrified that at 15 this is my last chance to stop him beating up some poor woman as an adult and ending up behind bars. Has anyone been through similar or have any experience of addiction in adolescents?

Hormonal I'm so glad he went to the reunion, and gave back the console. You definitely have the upper hand. Life is all about compromise, you just have to keep your eye on the target.

Our DS is chronically shy and I spent years trying to get him to do stuff and 'get out and about' because to me, to spend all your time in your room is such a waste. But I have had to come to terms with the fact that he is happy like that. Now nearly 18, he is fine.

Hanks Happy- when you say your ds is fine, do you mean he's going out more? I used to be shy too, it's such a shame as you just miss out so much. Pleased to hear things are easier now.

How's it going Horm?

The cheeky b....r used my card in lieu of his pocket money to order online a new handset which means he's now gaming. Me and dh saw psychologist again who turned things on their head when she told me ds probably has a talent for gaming;'the gaming industry is the future with oportunities to earn mega bucks and he'll probably buy me my holiday home. Said he should be looking at colleges to support this. Not what I wanted to hear!

Oh bugger indeed! A friend of a friend tests out new games and he earns a very good wage, but you're talking about game development aren't you. I just Googled it. I never even considered there would be a gaming college,but there is! I just looked at Uxbridge, and courses that have you developing your own games.

That turns it on its head definitely. Confusciuius say, Find a job that you love and you'll never have to work a day in your life.

Does he have a talent, or is he just an addict? Could he develop his own games?

This friend of a friend I mentioned wears a T shirt that says, I went outside once, but the graphics weren't very good.

Very, very cheeky! Confiscate it!

I know two people who work for big companies writing games. One has a physics / programming PhD, the other has a maths / artificial intelligence PhD, both from good universities. The first of those two started their first job on £60k, 10 years ago.... Maybe you can have a chat to your son about working in the gaming industry and explain that if he wants to do it then he needs to do well enough at school to get a good degree..... Otherwise he can drop out and flip burgers and not earn enough to pay for consoles.

Of course, he does seem good at school and spends ages playing, but he may have no talent at all for gaming, who knows!

Do you think the idea of a gaming career would motivate him enough to finish school? Maybe even get A levels? Perhaps you could show him a UCAS guide to relevant degrees?

Or do you think he is such an addict that he only cares about the immediate need to game and can't think to the future?

Also went through a prolonged phase from 12-16 with my DSS, very addicted to PC gaming. We'd remove components from his computer and hide them, and as soon as we went downstairs he would turn our bedroom upside down searching.

He was very violent, smashing things, breaking things, violent towards his sister. We had a referral to CAMHS who were useless. Things came to a head one day when he told someone if he had a gun he'd put it to his sisters head and pull the trigger. He moved into supported accommodation soon after his 16th, all the authorities failed him, and us, massively.

It's very difficult, you need to kill all his gaming indefinitely, including on the laptop. There are numerous PC games that can be played online too.

Candelabras and Nightsky, he wants to go into the advertising side of gaming. I explained he will need to up his game in English and all round then as his tracking grades are dire at the moment. I think he's just an addict.

Serioussteve your experience terrifies me as my ds will also, if he thinks anything is hidden in the house, turn things upside down searching. Do you think the violence in the games caused his own violence or is it something he always had? If it's the former, I guess it's fair to say gaming ruined his life isn't it. It is almost impossible to ensure my ds never has access to a game be it at someone else's house, or access as he gets older to his own bank account. We have not had any violent outbursts lately from him but I know that would change if we marched in and physically took from him the latest handset he ordered. I will have to look for it whilst he's at school, then he'll be back to taking our car keys/phones etc.

I don't see how it's possible to kill all his gaming indefinitely, as that would mean him never leaving home eg university. I'm starting to think the professional advice I've had's pretty useless

We prevented him from playing violent games at home, they simply were not bought regardless of his threats. Clearly we couldn't restrict his exposure at friends houses.

The issue we had with my DSS is that he would endlessly manipulate, he thought it was funny to trash our bedroom looking for his stuff, so it went to grandparents. He was trashing his room, a room, hurting his sister multiple times a week. He really hurt his sister once, requiring hospital. The week after he made the gun comment - he was steered towards supported accommodation sharpish, his violence towards his sister was stepping way too far over the line.

Gaming hasn't ruined my DSS life, and it won't ruin your son's either, but it does need dealing with.

We had the same with car keys, bank cards, mobiles etc. All were on our person during daytime and under our pillows at night. It's a game to him, work smarter NOT harder.

Feel free to message if you need to rant or want specific advice, anytime.

Thanks Serious. Its bad enough as he's my son; I can't imagine how I would feel had it been my dss. Did you call the police the time he hurt his sister?

It's already ruined my son's life in that his school grades have plummeted, he's lost his friends and doesn't bother with his family.

Hiding keys under my pillow..i just don't want to live like that and if he wants to make my life a misery he'll find another way.

I may pm you for a rant when I'm suicidal

HH, we had SS involvement due to his behaviour, so we contacted them, police came to talk to him. However, we would have made the call if they hadn't.

School grades can be recovered, I know it's heartbreaking to see the direct impact his addiction is having though.

I raised him from a very young age, I couldn't love him more if we were blood-related.

He's obviously one lucky boy to have you in his life, and visa versa.

I've been to the police to ask if they would come and give him a talk. They'll only do that with his consent (haha..) and on the promise that if he assaults anyone, I report him and press charges. Were social services any good? Dh isn't keen to get them involved but we might not have a choice.

Just read your post a few back and am chuckling (not that I've got anything to chuckle about) as ds's gear also got taken to grandparents

We had a social worker who was very, very good. On the other hand we had one who was terrible who considered our parenting to be shit - despite school backing us up. We had a couple who were between those lines.

It's a very difficult situation. On one hand I'd say do not involve them as they will go through your son's life, any other children's lives, and your lives as parents with a fine tooth comb. It's very invasive. Although, if you contact them proactively for "help", it will go in your favour.

If you do decide to bring them in, make sure everything is documented at your GPs. I'd be inclined to ask for a CAMHS referral too, it will take months, but would display you're not sitting on things.

Thanks- not sure I'd have the patience for a social worker for example without much experience. I just wouldn't have the patience. I know I've been a weak parent to let it get to this stage and don't need to be told. Not that I can afford it but I'd rather go down the route of getting him to see a private psychologist. He is unwittingly seeing one for a Psycometric Assessment in January who is trained to spot depression, so we'll see. Thanks so much for sharing your experience, it's invaluable help x

Thanks Loud, I think he'd like you as his mother! I'm happy to encourage him in whatever he sees as his career, but the problem is his only talent/interest is gaming, not writing games/apps/coding but just playing constant violent games like cod. Unfortunately no, he won't get bored, he has an addiction problem, and buying him more games is no different to buying more drinks for an alcoholic

How about the short shap shock approach? Report him for Credit Card fraud and get the police to confiscate the console he bought? Would that terrify him? Then, can you back it up by showing him the UCAS / college course book for the Games courses and pointing out what GCSE's he will need? And tell him that if he gets the grades he can do the course and if he doesn't he can go and flip burgers? Or would he actually be OK with working in McDonalds / on the dole if it meant he could Game?

Ps. I am Namechanging, I'll come back and chat here under a different name.

Can't report him for credit card fraud because in all honesty he was due his pocket money, I just wouldn't do that. I've told him about the burger flipping. It's got to the stage where he just doesn't listen to me whatever I say, and hard as it is it, looks like I'll just have to sit back and watch him mess up his life. Won't be giving his consoles back but if he won't work I can't make him. He went to Tottenham/Chelsea match this weekend so that was something. Chat soon, give me a sign!

Can't report him for credit card fraud because in all honesty he was due his pocket money

eh? he stole from you - this has nothing to do with his pocket money not being given to him. you are being far too soft with him.

report him,next time he does it he could wipe you out

so he steals and dosent suffer any consequence but goes to a Premier Football match

can you not see the mistake

Reading it your way Seasidesally I would see the mistake yes. Although I'm not feeling in the slightest bit charitable to him, I would not call this stealing as this is how he has been given his pocket money in the past- ordered a game online. He has never gone a penny over, nevermind 'wiped me out'. No, the bad bit was ordering the handset when he was banned. The reason I sent him to the match was having just been advised by the psychotherapist to get him out as much as I can..

Psychologist not psychotherapist sorry