At the end of the road with dh 15

[HormonalHeap]

Ds 15 has a severe gaming addiction. About to get chucked out of school and kicked dh (his stepdad) in the stomach this morning before trying to throw him down the stairs. His violence has escalated and happens whenever we try and restrict his gaming. He will not see anyone to get help as he thinks the object is to restrict his gaming- the only thing he lives for. Dh and I had an hour with a psychologist who explained to us why this has happened and how he uses it as a means of escape from problems, but without him seeing anyone he can't be helped. I'm terrified that at 15 this is my last chance to stop him beating up some poor woman as an adult and ending up behind bars. Has anyone been through similar or have any experience of addiction in adolescents?

[HormonalHeap]

No Cleo he doesn't want to go to the psyche because he thinks the object is to restrict his gaming. I told him I thought he might be depressed but didn't say too much as I didn't want to give him a label until he's been diagnosed. I'm hoping if i show him I mean business this weekend with no gaming at all, he'll agree to come.

[icouldjusteatacroissant]

Have a look at Sky Broadband Shield, for parental controls Ledkr. You can be the administrator then set the WiFi to turn on and off, block websites and all kinds of lovely things

Did he make it to school today Horm?

[nightsky010]

Hormonal

How is he today?

I agree the NHS solution isn't perfect and if you can afford private then go with that, but if it's NHS or nothing then I'd do NHS. Regarding the private route with therapy and the drugs, I think the procedure will be broadly similar to the NHS - the person prescribing the drugs will be a Psychaitrist (Ie person with a medical degree) and they will also use the criteria I gave the link to. They will not give therapy. If you want therapy, you will need to also see a Psychologist (ie. Person without a medical degree who cannot prescribe but who has a Psychology degree) or another kind of therapist.

I think you're totally right to do no games at all this weekend. Hopefully then he will know you mean business and agree to go. But if he doesn't then I reckon let him know in no uncertain terms that he will never be allowed to game until he goes - maybe even tell him you've removed the consoles from the house and that if nothing changes and he still refuses to go then you'll sell them? I can't possibly imagine him refusing to go then??

[HormonalHeap]

Laughing at threat of selling his toys. Mind you who am I to laugh! Thanks for explaining the difference between the two practitioners, I've always been confused! It's a psychologist we're trying to get him to. Dreading weekend.. need to toughen up! The consoles have been removed from the house- that's the only way, as just as an alcoholic can't have drink in the house.

[Ledkr]

Thanks for the suggestions, they both look pretty good.
I shall peruse them at my leisure.
She had panto rehearsal tonight so apparently should have been allowed to "FaceTime for longer fgs"
I ignored her and continued to watch TV/look at lovely boots on the Internet.

[nightsky010]

Great that the consoles are out of the house at least. I think he'll be putty in your hands once you mention selling them!! I assume he has no / very little personal savings or other access to money?

I can understand you're dreading the weekend, but at least you have a good plan. Besides, I imagine he will just mope!

[HormonalHeap]

He does have a lot of savings but I told him the account doesn't come with a bank card so he can't withdraw money. Have a good weekend x

[Guiltypleasures001]

Hi op

Gaming addictions are like a re wiring of the brain for teens, they forget what normal family or human interaction is. They have to go back to basics, he needs to be so bored that he finds a solution to his boredom. He has been over stimulated for such a long time, he needs to power down, hence the sleeping etc.

My son had an addiction to call of duty, it took me 3 months to get him back or rather him coming back to us. It was cold turkey all the way, suddenly his natural personality started to shine through,to the point even he knew he had had a problem. He is much more regulated now, also much older and mature.

Stick with the basics don't pander or promise expensive treats, personally I wouldn't bribe him out of it either, it will give him something to manipulate you with. He may have to go through this stage so his equilibrium starts to right himself.

He's been living in a fantasy on line gaming world, where everything is quicker faster and offers instant gratification, you cannot and should not compete with this.

I'm not sure of the depression diagnosis at the moment, his head is buzzing and he's coming down from an addiction, until he's mostly through this stage, you can't really see what may or may not need treating .

I Imagine that his sleep pattern or lack of it has been all over the place, I'm not surprised he's sleeping so much, it's actually a good sign, it may mean his melatonin levels are probably sorting themselves out.
Keep a close eye on him, keep all boundaries in place and don't engage in any re negotiation with him.
Little things like Joining you all for dinner around a table will help with normality and routine, also good things like board games help too.

He will ignore you at first but if your playing a game and enjoying yourself, over the top laughing and joking etc, his curiosity will get peaked at some point, he may very well join in because he's so bored.
Boredom is a natural state for everyone at some point, he has too experience it.

On a side note if your that worried about self harm etc, quietly make sure there's no ligament points as far as possible in his room, it might be extreme to say this, but i always err on the side of caution.
Keep offering him to join in with the family routine, at some point he will start to come back to you

[HormonalHeap]

Guiltypleasure, thank you so much, I was really hoping to hear from someone who'd been through it. May I ask how old your son was at the time and how long he had been addicted for?

It becomes their whole life and social life, and it feels to them that you are literally taking their life away. The problem is when my son is bored he becomes nasty and resentful, out to 'punish' me and make my life as difficult as possible. He really is a nightmare, hiding our car keys and mobile phones. It sounds as if your son luckily was a lot nicer about it. Does he ever game now or as he stopped completely? Well done either way!

[Guiltypleasures001]

Hi my son started early around 11 with runes ape on the computer, then around 13 I hold my hands up I gave in to constant nagging for a head set for his PS3 and that was it then.

Screaming and shouting at players and so called on line friends, and he started getting aggressive mouthy impatient. Everything was pre faced with how long are we going to be, I have to be back for such and such a time, cause there's this happening or there's a tournament or something.

One day I realised I've created a monster by allowing the boundaries to be swept away, it was out of guilt for divorce and his crap dad, and it's quite insidious too it creeps up on them slowly, but it is an addiction just like drugs or alcohol. It changes their thought processes and emotions.
You may be finding that there's lack of empathy patience and tolerance to name a few things, as I said before the online world doesn't need or use those emotions so they lose or forget how to use them.

[Guiltypleasures001]

Sorry op

Yes he does game now, he is a lot maturer, if there's a chance of going out he would rather that then play on line. Fifa is his game of choice, so still some shouting but no aggressive behaviours towards me anymore.

I appreciate that your lad is a lot older than mine was, but the same rules still apply if he acts out or crosses the line then the consequences kick in no matter what age.
He will get through this, his Brain needs to power down and re boot like a toddler he needs to relearn all of society's norms, which don't apply with violent on line gaming.

[MrsMolesworth]

You and your DH are the adults. easy to say when your child is 6 ft, but you're taking away consoles etc and encouraging him to see a psych. He needs to make amends for hitting his stepdad too. I find working with them on a physical project is a good thing. Say it's not a punishment (because the object is to have fun together) but that it's a way of making amends. maybe he could redecorate a room with you as a surprise for his Dstepdad, or clear out the garage or valet the car, or dig over the garden - something physical and tough and rewarding. It's so important that they see how valuable their contributions to the real world can be.

DS is hooked on gaming too. He's ASD and needs a lot of time away from social interaction. he spent all of half term on gaming except times when he was dragged away by us. he's only 13, so easier to manipulate, but we spent a lot of energy dragging him to days out (that he enjoyed) and made him go on a school trip he didn't want to go on (that he loved). They may be 6ft but they are not adults yet and they need steering when they are off course. We are allowed to take charge in these situations and require them to do certain things with us. The key, I think, is never to treat stuff as punishment. I get DS cooking with me, as he loves to cook.

Could you tell your DS that he needs four other things in his life as well as gaming: something to keep him fit, something to keep him socialised and some skill or talent he can develop (like an instrument, cooking, archery etc.) and something where he contributes to society - helping at a food bank, coaching small kids at rugby or helping out at beavers/cubs or similar. Once those four things are genuinely giving him pleasure in life, he can have his consoles back. Chances are they won't matter as much once he has a life worth living.

[HormonalHeap]

Guiltypleasires "How long are we going to be?" sums up my life. I can't even get him out for a haircut- all a waste of his precious time. Like you, I also felt guilty about my divorce and his crap dad. From having no money, to being able to spoil him with games- well I did just that, spoilt him with them. I DO find there is a lack of empathy, now you mention it. Scary isn't it. Still needs affection, but no empathy. It's as if it takes their soul. I think you're right, it re-wires their brain over time. But ds CAN be sociable- walked on his own to a party last week and spent a couple of hours socialising. How old is your ds now? Did you have any help at the time? If you accomplished that on your own, I am really in awe of you. Even at 13, it's no mean feat.

MrsMolesworth thanks for the ideas they are great in principle, but there's no chance of him digging out the garden or valeting a car. He has no wish to make amends, he isn't in that frame of mind, he is angry. Obviously we have told ds he needs other things in his life, but hat doesn't work because he is addicted. I like the phrase"they need steering when off course"- so true! I don't know much about ASD but I'm so glad you nailed it with your son and did it while he was young enough.

[Guiltypleasures001]

Hi op I'm not sure how to private message you. If you send me one I'll reply

[Guiltypleasures001]

Video game addiction Lawrence Salerno is a kindle book on Amazon op,

I understand your upset frustrated and really worried, like any other addiction it takes time to go through, being bored when a child is a normal state, he needs to learn to deal with that.
Giving you the hard stare or puppy dog eyes and attitude including temper and name calling, need to be handled as you would any child having a tantrum.

Guilt is shit, but it's also destructive when we allow it to manipulate us and over indulge our kids and then We wonder why they are not venerating us as fab parents instead we get accused of being

The golden rule is and must be

I am not your friend I am your parent, I give you rules to keep you safe and guide you through life. You would think that's the easiest thing to live by but really it's not is it.

Your looking at months op I wouldn't tell you different, you need to discuss this with whomever he has contact with extended family etc, and make sure your all reading from the same hymn sheet.
Firmness with love, don't get dragged in to manipulation bartering or shouting matches.
Stay calm speak quietly don't order or demand, use statements like would you like to change your bed or bring your washing down. Beans or sweetcorn, swimming or a walk.

None of the above questions in how they are structured are a yes or no answer, it's either or only.
You will get shit he will get angry, you will be tested and cry and worry, but you will get him back. It's hard, but gradually bit by bit over time things will start to change.

[MrsMolesworth]

What is he angry about?

[HormonalHeap]

Thank you Guilty again for your wise words- I have pm'd you. He is not co-operating in any way, the only thing he will let me do is make him meals. Changing his bed is a far off fantasy for any of my kids..my fault entirely).

He is gaming on the laptop he uses for his homework- so it's not a cold turkey situation. Not as much fun for him though as live gaming. He did say he will come and see a psychologist but only if he gets all his screens back indefinitely, so we're not there yet.

[nightsky010]

HormonalHeap

He said he will only see a psych if he gets his stuff back!? Haha! Well, I'm sure eventually he will lose that tactic won't work, when he is sitting there after a month with no result. He is so manipulative hiding your keys / wallet, that must be infuriating!

I didn't realise he was still doing other forms of gaming, that doesn't sound ideal? Won't he just begin to spend all his time on those games instead? Can you find somebody to access the router management thingy to restrict access to any websites except educational ones from his laptop? And if you can, backup all his data on the laptop then get someone to wipe it and set it up again with parental controls so that he can't install any offline games either.

Would you have any luck getting him out to the fireworks?

[HormonalHeap]

He is unfortunately using the laptop he uses for homework to game. But he can't communicate/interact with others on it, so it isn't as rewarding, but gaming nevertheless. He also has his iphone. Yes I was reading Ledkr's post with interest re the router. Unfortunately I'm not tech savvy (to say the least) and wouldn't dare wipe anything off his computer for fear of deleting schoolwork.

He has not the slightest interest in fireworks.. but there's a reunion for a trip he went on last year coming up, he's said he'll go to that and I'm hoping he won't use it as a bargaining tool. Next summer the group go away for a month. They have the most amazing time and the group becomes like family. That's what I'm working towards.

[Guiltypleasures001]

Hi lovely

Sorry I'm trying to reply to your message and it won't let me, it keeps coming up with http and mumsnet addy and I press ok and then nothing.

If you want send me your email addy if your ok about that, and I'll reply via my email with the message pasted in to it, I logged in and out of mn a few times and it still won't let me message you back

[ProfGrammaticus]

You can unplug the router at 9pm and take the cable to bed with you, though, without becoming in the least tech savvy?

[HormonalHeap]

We have wifi all round the house, dh thinks he has stored the game separately on his computer so doesn't need wifi. Guiltypleasures I have pm'd you!

[Guiltypleasures001]

Emailed you back op

[nightsky010]

I'm sure he would most likely be playing the game in offline mode!

if I were you I'd find a tech savvy friend. Then get DS to make a list of all of his school files / other non gaming files he wants. Then back up the entire computer up and then wipe it. You can look at the files he claims to need yourself to check they're not games and put them on a USB stick and give them back to him to use on his newly wiped laptop on which he will have a restricted 'guest' account not an 'administrator' one. This means he will not be able to store any files on the computer. Also, sort out the wifi.

Do you have any friends who could do the above for you? If not, I'm sure you could take the laptop to a computer repair shop and explain the problem so they could do it for you, probably for a small amount of money. Of course, if DS has passworded his laptop you may need to tell him he can't have it back until he's told you the password?

I'm afraid I'm also of the opinion that the iPhone should go. iPhones are very commonly used for gaming. I'd replace it with an old fashioned phone for £15ish that just makes calls and texts.

Best wishes.

[Guiltypleasures001]

Its the right address you gave op I've re sent from my email :)