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Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Teenagers

At the end of the road with dh 15

200 replies

HormonalHeap · 27/10/2015 14:06

Ds 15 has a severe gaming addiction. About to get chucked out of school and kicked dh (his stepdad) in the stomach this morning before trying to throw him down the stairs. His violence has escalated and happens whenever we try and restrict his gaming. He will not see anyone to get help as he thinks the object is to restrict his gaming- the only thing he lives for. Dh and I had an hour with a psychologist who explained to us why this has happened and how he uses it as a means of escape from problems, but without him seeing anyone he can't be helped. I'm terrified that at 15 this is my last chance to stop him beating up some poor woman as an adult and ending up behind bars. Has anyone been through similar or have any experience of addiction in adolescents?

OP posts:

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SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 28/10/2015 10:11

You talk about school - I assume he goes, at least some of the time - so could you clear his room of all his games/consoles whilst he is at school? Enlist help, so you can be sure you have checked as many of the possible hiding places as you can.

I would cancel his phone contract too - you could get him a very basic phone that will only do calls and texts (like phones used to be, when I was young), so he can still stay in touch with friends but is cut off from the gaming.

Is there anyone in your family or friends, or anyone from school who he respects, and if so, could you get that person to talk to him about his gaming addiction? I assume it is like any addiction, and that nothing will really change until he admits that there is a problem, but once he has admitted it, he will be, at least partly, willing to work with you on it (although the addictive part of his personality will still be fighting tooth and nail).

I would also be having a very direct talk with him about the violence towards your dh - I think he gets one warning - violence will not be accepted any more, and if he becomes violent again, the police will be called - and then carry out the threat, if necessary.

It sounds like a horribly difficult situation, and my heart goes out to you.

HormonalHeap · 28/10/2015 10:14

I wish he was like yours. Can you come to my house Sarah

OP posts:

sarahsarah34 · 28/10/2015 10:32

I can do ! Don't be scared be confident and very clear. Believe me DD is no walk in the park but tough love was needed.
Does he have any friends or ever go out?

Rosa · 28/10/2015 10:50

Try the gamblers 'AA'they might also be able to help. Good luck

BigGreenOlives · 28/10/2015 10:56

Talk to the school, they will probably have a psychologist as part of their pastoral team (dds & ds's schools both do).

ImperialBlether · 28/10/2015 11:01

The problem is that he will be furious if his gaming is stopped. He's 6 ft tall, clearly not afraid of hurting someone if they're stopping what he wants to do. If the OP just chucks away the router or whatever, then there's a real risk of him becoming really violent.

OP, I think your first step should be to speak to your GP about him. There are many, many young people who are in this position, but your son seems to have got more involved than many others because he's becoming violent as a result.

It's an awful situation - I'm so sorry for you.

HormonalHeap · 28/10/2015 13:38

He goes to the very odd school party but makes no arrangements to see friends- time's too valuable for that! Imperial.. exactly. Was just en-route to local police to see if we needed to call them out whether it would go on his record or not.. when dh (his stepdad) begged me not to saying it could ruin his life. Off to see the shrink again this aft to get some more advice

OP posts:

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 28/10/2015 14:30

If you had an informal chat with the police, I don't think it would go on his record until they actually had to act on it - I have heard of PCSOs coming out to have an off-the-record chat, in circumstances like these - you could ask about that.

GummyBunting · 28/10/2015 14:38

Hey OP, I have no experience with addiction but I do with gaming.

Is there any value in redirecting his love of gaming and turning it into something productive and creative rather than passive and destructive? Have you considered getting him involved in learning how to program his own videogames?

Zinkies · 28/10/2015 17:35

GummyBunting, how is playing games destructive?

sarahsarah34 · 28/10/2015 18:25

why would your DH get in trouble?
My DDs friend was being fairly violent to her mum and siblings. The police came and gave a bit of a scare talk without a record. Your not pressing charges.

FusionChefGeoff · 28/10/2015 18:27

Gummy - with addiction it is usually safer to avoid completely - not redirect.

You wouldn't suggest an alcoholic becomes a wine taster would you?!

GummyBunting · 28/10/2015 19:18

Zinkies They're not, but his behaviour seems destructive.

Fusion You're right, I didn't think about it in that way. As I said I'm no good with addiction but I work with videogames and education and have seen changes in attitude and behaviour when a passion for games is encouraged to develop into skills and a possible career, rather than treated as a waste of time (not saying the OP is doing that, just demonstrating).
But yeah, probs not with addiction. Quite right.

FastForward2 · 28/10/2015 19:24

Do you think he might be depressed? The pressure on teenagers even at comprehensives is enormous I cant imagine what it is like at independent school.

The psychologists told you he was trying to escape, do you know what he is trying to escape from, is it gcse pressure? Are there any subjects he really finds hard which you could help with or get extra coaching? Try seeing the world from his pov. I have no idea what his step dad is like but perhaps he misses his real Dad? Have you talked to him about what is troubling him, even if you cant help he may need someone to listen.

None of this excuses violence btw, but you might find it more useful to try to get to,the reasons for the violence than to rush into going to the police, or banish all gaming.

Gaming is not the same as gambling - many boys spend hours gaming and it can be a good way to relax and escape from the real world temporarily. It is a way of socialising with other boys, and girls, with similar interests and pressures.

He needs to learn to manage his time but may need some help from you. Rewards work better than punishments, why not make a deal that he finishes homework each evening before logging on to the games, and goes to bed at reasonable time, then he can spend the rest of the time gaming. Offer a bribe for good grades at gcse. Whatever it takes. Focus on the behaviour you want to see rather than the bad stuff.

Also, if he is good at programming or art then the gaming could lead to a future career, so not all bad, but to get into,one of these careers he would probably need gcses so does need to knuckle down and do his best to pass a few of them.

HormonalHeap · 28/10/2015 21:07

FastForward2 we've tried rewards, limiting, every strategy. Nothing works, he has the power and he is out of control.

Update: just came back from psychologist. She explained that even though he doesn't look depressed, once we take away his games (ie his life), we will clearly see his depression and how I'll he is. She said he absolutely has to be assessed by a psychiatrist and it's my responsibility to make it happen (he has refused as knows the object will be to curtail his gaming). She said we remove all consoles and when he's at rock bottom, try to get to him then. If he's violent call police.

This has honestly got to be the hardest thing I've ever done. I am taking away his life, but it has to be done. I asked her what to do if he refuses to go to school, and was told its my responsibility to get him there somehow, anyhow (All 6ft of him, glued to his bed). I feel like I'm opening the gates of hell, but it's my last chance to save him from ruining his life. I don't care about exam results now. I just want him healthy.

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Namehanger · 28/10/2015 21:26

Just starting something similar with DS1 (14). He is playing civilisation endlessly and reading endless fan fiction. Neither of which I have a real issue with but the fact that he has shut himself in his bedroom in the dark and has taken a really negative attitude to 'life'.

I can't work out whether it is him just taking an attitude or whether he is really depressed. Not ready to pull the plug, trying to take a light touch positive attitude.

Let's hope going back to school after half term sorts him out!

There was a programme on radio 4 this afternoon about teen mental health today. Quite interesting, worth a listen. They talked about distress and function in their lives.

Travelledtheworld · 28/10/2015 21:43

Don't forget that games are designed to draw the player in and keep them playing as long as possible. Yes, they are a form of escape from real life, but that doesn't necessarily mean that the player is depressed or unhappy. The games are just an easy way to live a fantasy life.

My DS not yet 16 will often spend 12-16 hours a day playing online games, usually with his school friends. He rarely leaves the house. It is a major achievement to get him to shower and dress on a weekend or school holidays. However he is very clever, lined up for 10 A/A* GCSE,s. He just puts his head down and gets on with his schoolwork, no nagging. At school he is a model pupil.

He has promised faithfully that as from next week he will cut right down on the gaming and start revising for his mocks.wewill see if this actually happens.

I will be following this thread with interest.

Alvah · 29/10/2015 00:09

OP it sounds really difficult. I completely understand why you are reluctant to just remove his consoles etc. In fact I am surprised the psychologist told you to remove them and let him hit rock bottom. You will definitely need good support with that because if he is so distressed that he has become violent, then it sounds like he is not fully in control of his actions. I would be careful, as it might just be to much for him to handle.

I would get a second opinion and also read up on it as much as you can.

Best of luck in the coming weeks.

FastForward2 · 29/10/2015 03:51

I agree with Alvah, for many reasons, think I would definitely get a get second opinion. This psycholgist is not helping and is playing with fire imho. Having spotted the depression they do not seem to have a workable solution for you.

To me the real problem here is the depression not the gaming addiction, and taking away his only source of enjoyment is too much for him, for you, and for your dh. He is still a child inside even if he is 6 feet tall. Whats right for adult addict may not be right for confused and distressed child.

I would get him out of the house on family outing or something, long walk in the country, take him to the james bond movie, spend some time with him on something he might enjoy, but hes not my son and i cant really help and do feel for you. Hope you can work it out,

mummytime · 29/10/2015 07:02

Okay - I'm not sure how much she can really assess having not met him.
I also don't think she has any experience of dealing with older teens "personally" - that is as a mother.

Yes you should "get him to school" but it is not always possible, and for real school refusers it is not always the best for them.

If you can't get him to go to see someone any other way, I would threaten to take his computer/console away. Then actually do it, even if you have to sneak in when he's in the toilet - and remove a crucial part of the computer. And only give it back when he's seen someone.

But you do need to know exactly who you want him to see, before you try this.

BabyGanoush · 29/10/2015 13:03

Awful situation, but not uncommon.

Wishing you strenght!

This parenting business can be so hard!

HormonalHeap · 29/10/2015 19:45

FastForward2 the suggested solution is for me to make it happen that he sees and engages with a psychiatrist, who will then properly assess him and treat him accordingly. I 100% agree with you that taking everything away is too much- but when I told the psychologist she told me I was putting up barriers and either I want to help him or I don't. You are so right that he's still a child. He can argue and negotiate like an adult, but his emotions are childlike.

We've done James Bond and tonight he's actually going to a school party. But that's the extent of him leaving his room in the past 2 weeks. His form teacher has been emailing me over half term to see if he's working. I've told him the shit will hit the fan when he gets back but he just doesn't care. As you say Mummytime, its somehow impossible to physically drag them out of bed. But I was just told it's up to me to get him in somehow.

I've told him everything is going if he won't come and see someone, but he just laughs saying he's hidden things round the house- treats it as a game. I guess that's Monday sorted for me...

OP posts:

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IDismyname · 30/10/2015 19:02

I would make the effort to talk to the school. Come clean about the situation. They will have seen it before, and would be very well placed to advise you from a different perspective.

Then at least they understand the struggle you're having with getting him to school etc.

HormonalHeap · 30/10/2015 20:20

That's exactly what I'm going to do, I don't really have a choice now as if his marks don't pick up they'll be calling another meeting. Thanks again

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FastForward2 · 31/10/2015 03:10

Think its great he went to party and this suggests to me maybe he's not that depressed? Psychologist a bit off the mark again maybe - particularly if she has not met him?

I was advised by neighbour who worked with kids like this to give them very basic jobs round the house. Did this with my son and he grunts about it a lot, you have to ignore the grunting, now he has got used to it and the grunting has diminished,sometimes he even seems slightly relieved to be given excuse to leave the computer to do something constructive, so long as he can get back on computer asap!!

Why are the school emailing you not him? Think they do need to know the situation! You have another option here which is to step back, let him either fail gcses or decide to do the work. If the school is ahead in curriculum he may scrape some passes without vast amounts of work, but there is time before exams and even after the mocks, for last minute cramming. If the concern is that he has to leave the school then thats his loss really but not the end of the world, surely he would get into another school?

Hope you and the school can help him through this very stressful period for you all.

Flip

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