At the end of the road with dh 15

[HormonalHeap]

Ds 15 has a severe gaming addiction. About to get chucked out of school and kicked dh (his stepdad) in the stomach this morning before trying to throw him down the stairs. His violence has escalated and happens whenever we try and restrict his gaming. He will not see anyone to get help as he thinks the object is to restrict his gaming- the only thing he lives for. Dh and I had an hour with a psychologist who explained to us why this has happened and how he uses it as a means of escape from problems, but without him seeing anyone he can't be helped. I'm terrified that at 15 this is my last chance to stop him beating up some poor woman as an adult and ending up behind bars. Has anyone been through similar or have any experience of addiction in adolescents?

No you cannot make him engage but a good child therapist might try.
Google NVR which is a new parenting model, I am training in it and LOVE the concept. It might give you some ideas.
Stick with it, he's sulking, reinforce why you have done it and to be fair I wouldn't let him have little bursts untill he's done a few weeks cold Turkey.
As he emerges he may feel better for more sleep/less screen time and thus less depressed.
It's going to be a tough few weeks but you had to do it!

Thanks all again, Ledkr I've just googled it looks so interesting, wish you good luck with your training, I'm going to read further. At the moment I can't get him anywhere near a good child therapist. Cleo I'm making him take responsibility at school by not making excuses for his absences/headaches, and telling him if he doesn't work, he'll just drop out the year, or come August open poor results and not be allowed into the sixth form.

Glad to hear he did not become violent when his devices were taken away!! I'm very surprised he is not prepared to go to school in exchange for device time, I hope that could change in a few days? How long has it taken him to come out of this in the past?

I really hope you can work out a way of getting him out of the house, both to go to school and to see a doctor. I have no idea how to deal with a 6ft teenager!

If he remains unwilling to go to school, can you explain to the school about his mental health problems and possibly negotiate he still attends school later in the year when he is able to but could repeat the year if he does not do well enough?

Slightly wacky suggestion, but does the school have flexi boarding? It sounds like you've lost authority with him as he has no intention of doing what you ask? I wondered if he did say, 3 - 4 nights of boarding a week then he would be forced to behave and to work and would have no access to gaming and would have a full and busy social life? Or even some kind of residential activity camp which you can sell to him as a 'holiday'? Having to fit in with a prescribed routine and having something to do all the time might bring him out of his current state?

If you don't want him to board, I agree with others about giving him lots of hobbies such as the Cadets / RAF stuff. If Dopamine is implicated in addiction, I imagine excerise would help? (Lots of research on Dopamine and excercise in relation to ADHD.)

I'd also have thought a lot of the advice relating to gambling addiction could be relevant? I imagine finding a psych specialising in gambling in the UK is a more realistic prospect than finding a gaming addiction psych?

Having googled, it seems as though your son may not be 'gillick competent' therefore may not be able to refuse treatment.
www.gmc-uk.org/guidance/ethical_guidance/children_guidance_30_33_refuse_treatment.asp

However I can see that from a practical perspective, getting him to see someone will be difficult. The NHS advise getting a CAMHS or counselling referral, but I wonder if getting a private psych to talk to come to your house to talk to him could work better? Given even making him get in to the car to go out could be hard.

I've never heard of "gillick" being used to e forced treatment to be honest.
If a person will not engage with services but isnt a grave danger to themselves or others there is little to be done.
Therapy only works both ways and medication has to be taken so not helpful.
What may help is a mentor, if u have a trusted relative or friend who would show him some concern via text or face to face that may help.
Do you have a. Teens in crisis or similar organisation who may send a mentor? Camhs (or cyps) are so busy that a referal coukd take months and if he won't engage they will do nothing in my experience.
It's bound to take a few days for him to get over A you taking control and B losing his prop, but he may emerge more lucid and able to communicate again.
Is he eating op?

Hi

You might have seen this but it is useful: www.medicaldaily.com/pulse/drug-addiction-isnt-result-taking-drug-it-stems-lack-human-connection-359740

Addiction is a symptom of finding life a bit bleak and disconnected. To try and break this cycle, you need a replacement for this behaviour - something that replaces its function in his life.

Did he go to school, op ?

He went in this morning after me reminding him 4 times to get up. Apart from that there was nothing I did to make him go in. He misses school on a regular basis due to feeling sick & headaches. Just so relieved he went in today. Nightsky there's no boarding there, I would have considered that. He needs A's to stay on and that's not going to happen, (he won't be allowed to repeat the year there) but I'm not in the slightest bit bothered about that anymore.

The private psyches won't come out (the good ones), I've tried. Thanks Ledkr he is eating which is a good sign, and I'm cooking his faves. Always eaten through depressed periods and seems to sleep all the time. I'm expecting him to go straight to bed when he gets in. Last time he had a bad one he slept the best part of 2 weeks. Strange I know.

Fusionconfusion, I said to dh this morning that ds needs a replacement for the behaviour- but he thinks the depression itself needs treating. AF i spoke to him about Air Cadets, unfortunately he hates all the marching, parades etc in school RAF and only likes the flying bit!! Looks like between flying lessons and the psyche (if he ever agrees) I'll have to re-mortgage...

Oh well.

I am glad he went to school. A small but significant plus point.

wow, he went to school! that's a good start. and no violent outbursts by the sound of it. well done you, you're doing a brilliant and brave thing for your son.

it may be a few years off, but he'll look back at this time with such gratitude

And so will I for all your help. Weekends are the worst so I'm not out of the woods but yes delighted he went in, despite an exasperated email from English teacher!

I just want to say...I do t know who you women are, but I've had more constructive support from you than I've had in real life so.. Thank you

We are the Mumsnet Vipers

Best neat of vipers I've come across

I could have done with you lot.

How about gliding -less expensive than flying I think

www.gliding.co.uk/club-finder

Costs - reduced for juniors

www.gliding.co.uk/about-gliding#whatdoesitcost

It's also so much easier giving advice when it's not your kid!

Yep < finishes yet another argument with DS about how much GCSE studying/coursework he is not doing >

For all he notice they take of us I reckon we're inter-changeable. Not so sure ds would notice WHO told him to revise!!

The not he sorry!

heh

Maybe we should all swap homes like the prigramne "wife swap" and see if the feckers notice!!
Seriously tho op. I reckon it's worth sticking this one out. He couldn't have gone on any longer like it!
I let dd charge her phone in the next room last night. Strangely she was still awake at 10.30. Stranger further, she went immediatejy to sleep when dh removed said phone
Funny that.

I could just record myself and press "play" most days

Or just get your mother to do it all, I sound exactly like her!