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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

At the end of the road with dh 15

200 replies

HormonalHeap · 27/10/2015 14:06

Ds 15 has a severe gaming addiction. About to get chucked out of school and kicked dh (his stepdad) in the stomach this morning before trying to throw him down the stairs. His violence has escalated and happens whenever we try and restrict his gaming. He will not see anyone to get help as he thinks the object is to restrict his gaming- the only thing he lives for. Dh and I had an hour with a psychologist who explained to us why this has happened and how he uses it as a means of escape from problems, but without him seeing anyone he can't be helped. I'm terrified that at 15 this is my last chance to stop him beating up some poor woman as an adult and ending up behind bars. Has anyone been through similar or have any experience of addiction in adolescents?

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Original poster
HormonalHeap · 07/11/2015 22:54

Guilty, I didn't receive your email so have pm'd you again. Sorry!

Nightsky ds does have a password but will not co-operate or do anything he's asked. If I take his laptop away he will refuse to work. Yes, I've lost all authority over him and can't 'make' him do anything- I know that sounds defeatist. My dh will have a computer guy I can speak to though.

You're right about the iphone I know he shouldn't have it, after all he rarely uses it to make a call-it's just another gaming console, made worse in that they link to the tv's in the house so whatever he's gaming on comes up on a big screen. We have a spare old phone he can use. Perhaps I'll take it in the night. Thanks xx

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Original poster
HormonalHeap · 07/11/2015 23:21

Got email Guilty- have replied X

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Candleabras · 11/11/2015 12:25

How's it going with your boy Horm?

Original poster
HormonalHeap · 11/11/2015 15:16

Thanks Candleabras, he refused to go in yesterday but in today. It's a long hard slog...

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Candleabras · 11/11/2015 15:56

Big virtual hugs to you, you're being a fab mum to him, although he doesn't know it ATM Flowers

DeoGratias · 11/11/2015 16:00

Another solution is don't restrict his gaming and then none of this would arise of course.

Candleabras · 11/11/2015 17:18

Can't believe you said that, it was a joke right?

Original poster
HormonalHeap · 11/11/2015 18:00

Very intelligent comment DeoGratias !

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thunderpussy · 11/11/2015 18:11

Keep going HH, in my personal experience (well, mine was some gaming but mainly school refusal) somewhere, in some dark forgotten place in their heads, they want you to save them, and they will let you.

bodiddly · 11/11/2015 18:27

It sounds like you are having a really tough time. I am a solution focused hypnotherapist and I know that hypnotherapy could help your son - if nothing else it could help relax him, cool his anger and deal with his depression. It can also be used to help addiction too. There are plenty of therapists that are prepared to do home visits as well so if you are interested just let me know and I can point you in the direction of someone local to you who can help.

Original poster
HormonalHeap · 11/11/2015 22:35

Thunderpussy lovely thought, but mine doesn't want to be saved- he really does just want to gameSad. School refusal is the worst isn't it- I dread mornings.

Bodiddly that's interesting I will definitely bear that in mind, thank you, we are trying to get him to a psychologist to diagnose his depression so am going to give that a try first.

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nightsky010 · 12/11/2015 16:11

How's it going? Any luck on taking his phone?

The school refusal must be very stressful. Are the school saying anything helpful?

Original poster
HormonalHeap · 12/11/2015 20:38

Have failed miserably on taking his phone. The crafty sod's got me this weekend.. as his English essay, the subject of which he's chosen you guessed.. gaming, he's interviewing someone from a 'famous gaming company' and needs his PlayStation to do it! Or have I got Mug printed on my forehead. Have decided not to speak to the school until we have formally diagnosed his depression.

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nightsky010 · 12/11/2015 21:33

He is manipulating you so much!

I'm pretty sure that needing his PlayStation would be a lie anyway. He will have Skype or an instant messenger installed on his phone. Tell him to use that instead. And if he doesn't do his homework because of not having the PS then that's his stupid fault for arranging homework he can't do, and he can go to school and be told off and get a detention!

Original poster
HormonalHeap · 13/11/2015 10:38

Absolutely, he already has 2 detentions pending, and I'm reminding the teachers. I've been trying to get him to look at 6th form collages as I've told him he hasn't a hope of staying on unless he changes his attitude, but he has his head in the sand and isn't interested! Incredibly frustrating!

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thunderpussy · 13/11/2015 11:23

Definitely don't let him have the playstation for his english essay - that is just incredibly hard to believe and he will see you as a pushover if you go along with it. Could you perhaps ask him to set out in detail what his English project involves, who the interview is with etc. and exactly what role the playstation would have? State you will be verifying with the school that his ideas for the essay are approved. Then say no.

It would be a step forward if you could get the iPhone. He can't start his recovery until he has no recourse to gaming whatsoever or frankly it's like giving a heroin addict a little bit of heroin every day.

He's obviously not going to listen to anything you say - his mind is just set on finding ways around you.

I hope you're finding a bit of time to spend on yourself, it's very stressful I know. I used to retire to my room A LOT.

nightsky010 · 18/11/2015 13:15

Hormonal

How did it go with the English essay / PlayStation?

Original poster
HormonalHeap · 18/11/2015 14:25

SmileThanks nightsky, to my credit I didn't go along with that one. We've reached a stand off whereby he's agreed to a psychometric educational assessment in the Xmas hold but will only see a psychologist if he gets all his toys back (to hide) which isn't going to happen.

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nightsky010 · 18/11/2015 23:17

Well done! I can imagine that must have been very hard for you! Did he have a big tantrum?

Is he any less depressed or still about the same?

Hm, the stand off is hard. I think I'd start asking him how much you should be putting his stuff on EBay for, since he won't go to the Psych! That might freak him out enough that he agrees to go?

Original poster
HormonalHeap · 19/11/2015 10:10

He has a reunion with his group this weekend. If he goes it could actually lead to him going out and being more involved- I'm desperate for him to go and he knows it. He initially agreed, now changed his mind saying only if he gets all screens back indefinitely. I responded by saying I've called a few charity shops to see if they'll take the games. Feeling very low today...

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happymundanes · 19/11/2015 19:27

Keep going - you are doing absolutely brilliantly. I expect he will really try to milk the weekend away as he knows how much you want it. So difficult as it may seem, you have to come to terms with him not going.

Can you invite someone he can't bear for the weekend? ? Our DS loathes it when we have a friend to stay and he is obliged to eat with them etc. Perhaps if staying at home was a less attractive option he might go to the reunion.

Where are the games? You could say to him you have taken them to X who is holding them, so there's no earthly point in him going on at you about them because it is now beyond your control.

Stay strong, this is the right thing for him.

nightsky010 · 20/11/2015 13:12

Haha! Well done for coming back with the charity shops comment! I bet that scared him. Well done Hormonal. I know you'll get there with him eventually.

LaPharisienne · 20/11/2015 14:25

This is a really sad thread but you are very impressive Hormonal - stick to your guns as I reckon he'll thank you in years to come (and also feel pretty sheepish!).

I know he's quite grown up to get him into a sport and he may feel shy about being new to things, but are there slightly more unusual sports he could try where there would be other beginners like rowing, or fencing? He might feel a bit embarrassed about what he looks like if he tends to hide in his bedroom and sport would help that too.

I feel really sorry for him as well as you, really. Seems a huge shame to waste your teenage years when you could be having so much fun playing computer games! I suspect he is a bit frightened of the outside world and overwhelmed by his feelings. It is pretty hard being his age.

Good luck x

LaPharisienne · 20/11/2015 14:25

I mean seems a huge shame to waste your teenage years playing computer games, when you could be having so much fun!

oops...

Original poster
HormonalHeap · 20/11/2015 22:35

Happymundanes I'm so laughing at you inviting someone for weekend.. my ds hates it too! Thank you all, I'm far from impressive as I struck a deal yesterday whereby he got one console back for 2 hours after homework- if he went to the reunion and so long as I could trust him to give it back after. Pleased to say he did.. and went!

It's really the weekends which are a problem, as there is literally nothing else he wants to do but game. LaPharisienne despite no sport he's 6'2 and slim- courtesy of genetics. You're right though, he has often told me he enjoyed his childhood so much he doesn't want to grow up. You can't win can you?!

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