At the end of the road with dh 15

[HormonalHeap]

Ds 15 has a severe gaming addiction. About to get chucked out of school and kicked dh (his stepdad) in the stomach this morning before trying to throw him down the stairs. His violence has escalated and happens whenever we try and restrict his gaming. He will not see anyone to get help as he thinks the object is to restrict his gaming- the only thing he lives for. Dh and I had an hour with a psychologist who explained to us why this has happened and how he uses it as a means of escape from problems, but without him seeing anyone he can't be helped. I'm terrified that at 15 this is my last chance to stop him beating up some poor woman as an adult and ending up behind bars. Has anyone been through similar or have any experience of addiction in adolescents?

Thank you so much FastFirward2. Rather than jobs I have been pestering, nagging (screaming) at him to walk the dog for exercise and sun on his face- it's an ongoing struggle. He will definitely scrape some passes, maybe even a couple of B's but ironically when I suggested he dropped out this year to take them next year he was horrified! He's going to be squirming at the meeting the head of year wants to hold, when his gaming's out in the open. This coming week will be a nightmare as his screens are all disappearing Monday but in a way I know it has to be done so bring it on!

Hope it goes well, personally I would not get rid of screens completely, just make sure homework is done first. If he is stressed gaming is good relaxation in moderation. Threats to remove it totally might be counterproductive.

Gaming really isnt all bad, its what some teenagers do nowadays, instead of playing football in the street (showing my age). School needs to motivate him somehow, the choice as to whether to do the work is ultimately his.

Its quite good he does not want to resit a year, shows he does have some thing to motivate him.

Good luck!

I think the hardest things to install in our kids are resilience and motivation- separate things yes, but both so needed in life. Sometimes, as previous posters have said, one just has to take a step back because if you always step in, the child evades responsibility. I wish I could take my own advice!

I don't have anything against gaming as I have nothing against most things in moderation, but when it becomes their only interest in life, taking the place of real relationships and stunting their social and emotional growth, I think it's a huge problem. In ds's case the school has tried to encourage and motivate him. Ultimately it has to come from him though. If he fails, it's probably best he fails badly, enough to shock him into change. As the psychologist I saw thinks he may be depressed, she wants me to take it all away, wait till he hits rock bottom and then work on him to get help. Not convinced it'll work but we'll see.

Oh blimey, I wish you well for tomorrow! I have a social media addict, and a Minecraft addict in the house.

The social media addict went through a stealing phase. You are maybe past needing the police, but wanted to share my experience of involving them with a teen.......I rang and made an appointment and actually took dd to the station. Me and the lovely officer were in cahoots, and she was 'interviewed and cautioned' and he filled in a form that he made her sign. He frightened the shit out of her, as I asked him to. I could have pressed charges, but obviously had no intention, I just wanted her to see what may happen if she continued to steal. He tore up the form she signed when we left,and did not enter her details on their system as he had her believe.

It's well worth the police investing in this kind of preventative measure than having to deal with a young offender and the cost of it further down the line. Having the officer visit her at home wouldn't have had the same impact.

Thought your DS may benefit from a similar approach if need be.

Wishing you lots of luck for tomorrow. Parenting teens is a horrid job, if its done right!

Please come back and tell us how you get on

Thank you so much icouldjust for sharing that. You obviously did he right thing 100% and the police were so right to do that, but stealing is different from physical assault. I would never be able to get ds into the car, but was hoping if I rang them when he loses his rag, they would come and do the same as with your dd but here at home. I am going in this week to see if it's possible. Thanks again X

HormonalHeap

I'm afraid I don't have any personal experience in the area, but are you aware that gaming addiction is taken very seriously in Japan? Gamers play in tournaments that attract crowds of thousands and good gamers are huge celebrities. Gaming is such a big deal over there and gaming addiction is very common and so are Psychiatrists who treat it. Perhaps you could do a Skype consultation with one with your husband?

Personally I'd go private. I needed a psych for my child and there were a large number I could have seen within a fortnight. If they'd been crap I'd have stopped going and chosen another one. In the NHS you wait a long time and have no choice over who you see and they are mostly useless in my experience.

I find it impossible to guess one way or another if there are depression issues for him too, but its certainly possible. I've also got no idea if just removing the consoles totally is good or not, or if he will go nuclear!?

Rgarding the police, afaik them having informal chats / off the record is fine, if your particular police force has the time. Besides, even if you had to call them because he was violent, you could choose not to press charges.

Is it possible to talk to him sensibly? Does he realise that he will do badly at GCSEs and get kicked out of school if he continues the gaming? Or is it head in sand? Does he anticipate being able to stop gaming for long enough each day to do a job or uni? Or is he pretty much incapable of thinking ahead?

Best of luck!

In case you've not read it already:
www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3832462/

I am really sorry that this is your situation and hope it improves soon.

You haven't mentioned any siblings? I was the younger sibling of a troubled teenager. I am told that help was sought but never really acknowledged outside of the home. I wish someone had called the police for incidents similar to those you have described. My sibling has gone on to enjoy a successful career, is in in long term relationship and is in all sense very well rounded with everyone but us as her main family. Perhaps if there had been help, we could get beyond our past but as it is, whenever she looses her cool we all quiver and this sets off the cycle. Break it now for everyone's sake.

Thanks Nightsky- his head is firmly embedded in the sand, he seems incapable of thinking about next week never mind his future. I suspected what you say about private/nhs is correct and realise I'm going to have to stump up, if and when I can get him to see anyone.

With the police I wasn't thinking of an informal chat, more along the lines of being able to call them out if he lashes out when his toys are gone to give him a warning that next time they'll press charges. Interesting about Japan, I understand in China also they are very geared up to the problem.

Knaffedoff yes he has an older sister who I have so far managed to shield from the worst. I'm so pleased your sister has overcome her problems but can absolutely understand your resentment that it wasn't dealt with appropriately at the time and the impact that's had on your relationship. Like you, my dd also wants to hear we will take action if need be. I have told her we will be.

Nightsky thanks so much for the link, I haven't come accross it and am reading it now X

As a mum of five and soneone who has worked with troubled kids for most of my life, I am extremely interested in teen Internet/gaming addiction, I think it's a very real problem which needs looking at.

My dd is 13 and also cannot send regulate her Internet use so I have to remove devices at 9.
I tried dufferent options such as it charging in the room next door but she was up and down half the night checking on it
We now have to have it in our room overnight.
I also managed to get her mates mums to do the same which helps.

She is otherwise a lovely girl, good at school with a huge talent for dance.
Her dance has suffered to the point that I pulled her out of a big competition as she was never ready for rehearsal or had her equipment ready.
At one point I thought I was going out if my mind with the stress of it.
The nightly stand off with her screaming at me like a maniac then both of us going to bed upset was destroying me.
Now she just accepts it and gives them over albeit reluctantly.

I know you feel bad and that you are ruining his social life by removing it but you have to do something don't you?

From the point of view of addiction, try to help him stay busy, I don't know how, maybe take him out, let him have mates over.
Do you plan to re introduce it at a later date?

Dh knows adults who are like this,
One guy used to go to bed with his wife thrn sneak back down to game all night! His wife left him for another man.

Good luck

Hormonal, whoops sorry for my unhelpful post! I have just seen your DS is a strapping six footer, so yes I imagine a voluntary trip to visit Mr Plod at the station is doomed to failure from the outset!

How is the room clearance going this morning?

Good luck today hormonalheap, this is absolutely one of the hardest bits of parenting.

Thank you all so much for your support. Dh and I went for dinner last night to an old friend of mine who's married to a clever guy. His first response was that we need to find something to replace the gaming with. He suggested flying lessons as that stimulates the same thrill seeking part of the brain producing dopamine. There is an aeorodrome near us but it's a bloody expensive hobby. When I mentioned it to ds his eyes lit up (he's been with the school raf and loved it), and even he admitted it was a clever idea. Problem is, even if I could afford it it's now the wrong time of year to start.

Anyway, I'm taking the cowards route right now as all his toys disappeared today, he's just found out and I'm out walking the dog!!

Not the cowards route at all- just trying to manage a difficult situation

Would he consider air cadets ? They do simulated flights, glider training, shooting....all intense stuff.

Thank you x Unfortunatley his reaction has been to just go into a depressive state to bed/sleep. He's done this before. Anyone who tells me gaming can't be addictive well I'll throttle them. I can't see him going to school tomorrow or for the foreseeable future.

Thanks AF that's an idea, I'll put it to him if an when he's in a state I can communicate with.

DS does air cadets. It's actually very time consuming. Two meets a week that takes most of the evening what with preparing uniform for inspections etc. He has been gliding several times, been on junior officer training weekends, has been on campouts/survival training 3 times this year, a 10 day "fun" holiday in the summer, made loads of new friends both boys/girls who meet up outside of official sessions at the weekends

He actually wouldn't have time for a gaming habit. The only technology involved is in a cockpit. In fact, as his GCSE's loom we will have to curtail a lot of it. It is also very cheap. You pay a nominal amount for the residentials and can get uniform/boots etc cheap off Ebay. Also lots of teenager-free adult time.

As he applies to colleges he is able to put oodles of supporting information and get references from his commanding officers. Win/win.

Just an idea. Like you say, at a more receptive time perhaps ?

I have to say AF when I ponder the reason my boys were able to self regulate their gaming, It was definitely because they all had energetic time consuming hobbies.
Even the socilal media addicted dd can tear herself away for a ballet class or a panto rehearsal!
She moans but does it.

Sorry, to sound so evangelical about it.

I'm not on the payroll, honest

Actually, my Minecraft addict has a passion for horses, if I could buy her one she wouldnt have time for gaming, but It's such an expensive hobby its a no go. There must be the perfect sport solution for every addict, its just finding it!

Air Cadets sounds like a winner for hormonals son.

Congrats on carrying it through hormonal, any developments?

If Air Cadets is cheaper than flying lessons which it sounds like, I'm in. Just wish I'd known about it long ago. Ledkr, I hear you about the hobbies, healthier and makes sense. We tried many things but he never persevered with anything.

Unfortunately it's all hypothetical at the moment as ds has gone into a depressive state in his bed. I know from past experience this can go on for weeks. I've told him he can earn back limited gaming time if he comes with me for a consultation; no response. Does anyone know, if a child under 16 refuses to get the help he needs, can I somehow make him? I've explained to him that if he was physically ill i would MAKE him get medical help, and this is no different.

Both dh and myself are out of our depth as to what to do. I know i won't be able to get him into school tomorrow and I've explained to him that I'll have to now be honest with the school. I have sympathetic family but no friend who has had experience in their children of what I guess is a depressive illness masked by addiction. I would love to hear from anyone out there who's had this, how they het help to an uncooperative teen.

I have no idea, so sorry

All I can think to say is ride it out

Getting the school involved may uncover some more support.

Hormonalheap, unfortunately you can't make him go and there's needs to be a bit about him taking responsibility. I don't envy your situation, hopefully the penny will drop soon. Fingers crossed for you.