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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Sigh, queen bees at it again

117 replies

dingit · 16/06/2015 14:01

I really don't like this girl, she ruined dds 16th back in November but that's another story.
It's now her birthday, there are six in the group of friends, she is going out for pizza, but says she can only afford for five to come. Dd assumes she is the one left out ( she was not invited last year), but they are in general a really nice group of girls, so they have all agreed to chip in £5 so they can all go.
Dd has just received a group message with arrangements, with a bit added on for her telling her she needs to bring £10!
I'm quite happy to give dd for the money for her whole meal, but the arrangement is already leaving a sour taste in my mouth. I can see this all going wrong, dd is already a tired emotional wreck, this will be the end of exams day.
I offered that she comes out with me dh and ds, but she wants to be with her friends.
Should I just butt out and let her deal with it?

OP posts:
GooseyLoosey · 16/06/2015 14:05

If her 4 friends are chipping in £5 and dd is too, that's £25. Damned expensive pizza if she has to contribute more.

Not sure that dd can do much about it though (except maybe hope it turns out OK on the day). The girl sounds like a total nightmare tbh.

I would also tell my dd that if she was not having fun, I would come and get her at the drop of a hat.

Original poster
dingit · 16/06/2015 14:08

Thanks glossy. They are going to Prezzo, so I think the bill will come to a bit more than that, I'm guessing £12-£15.
Yes the girl is a nightmare, they are going their separate ways to college, thank The Lord.
They were planning a camping trip to Wales, but luckily that failed as no one could make all the dates.

OP posts:
Original poster
dingit · 16/06/2015 14:09

*goosey

OP posts:
Original poster
dingit · 16/06/2015 14:11

Sorry, just realised what you mean, that will provide £25 extra ( it's been a long day!)

OP posts:
Mintyy · 16/06/2015 14:12

Omfg!

Is there any way any way at all that you can persuade her not to go!? This is just hideous. The Queen Bee obviously doesn't want her there, it will be humiliating for your dd surely?

ExitPursuedByABear · 16/06/2015 14:19

So the other girls are providing £5 but your DD has to take £10?

Surely at that age they should all pay for themselves.

I feel your pain OP. DD is frequently the one 'left out' and it is shit.

HSMMaCM · 16/06/2015 14:21

I would try and convince her not to go by arranging another time when they can get together.

I would let DD go if one of the other friends was really kind and would make sure she had a good time.

GooseyLoosey · 16/06/2015 14:24

Could she deduct her £10 from any birthday present money for the girl - on the basis that she couldn't afford more as she had to stump up £10 for food? If they are all going their separate ways soon, the fall-out won't matter.

Littleham · 16/06/2015 14:26

Hi dingit. Three teenage daughters here so I have come across this sort of situation before!

I always let my dd's take part in events but explained to them beforehand that girls (& grown women) can be controlling so if they wanted to leave just send a text & I would come and get them.

Queen Bees are often the most emotionally insecure member of the group.

SunnyBaudelaire · 16/06/2015 14:27

hang on , she is asking your dd for double the amount that the others are bringing?
YOur DD does see that this is not the act of a friend right?
I would also try and convince her to not go. How did this girl ruin your dd's birthday?

pictish · 16/06/2015 14:28

I wouldn't want her to go either, but you know you can't socialise or conduct her friendships for her. I know you're not trying to btw - it's just that these are her lessons to learn about how people can be. In the future she is more likely to avoid this kind of situation having experienced it first hand.
When they are dejected, exploited or hurt, it pains us to the core...but it's a jungle out there and every knock builds up resistance and knowing.
I wish it didn't have to be that way, but sometimes it does.
Have a friendly squeeze from me. xx

ExitPursuedByABear · 16/06/2015 14:31

That's what I keep repeating to DD at the moment pictish.

What doesn't kill you makes you stronger.

Original poster
dingit · 16/06/2015 14:33

Thanks, I've had all those thoughts.

Dd wants to go, but added, 'you can come and get me if they are horrible' There is one girl who is lovely, she's the one who suggested chipping in so that she could go.
I'm worried it's all going to go wrong, as I said, dd is fragile ( not saying they aren't) but they home in if she weakens. The prom is the next Friday, and if they've fallen out, that will go completely tits up, and I want her to remember that for the right reasons.
The present thing, I had thought of, as if dd is just paying for a meal out, don't take a present. That doesn't sit right with me, it's just mean, and one wrong doesn't mean another, iyswim.

I need to think of somewhere amazing so she wants to come with us.

OP posts:
newgirl · 16/06/2015 14:35

I'm guessing a lot from your op - has parent offered to pay for 6? And girls trying to work it out with a whip-round? It might be clumsy but might not be as bad as you think?

Mintyy · 16/06/2015 14:36

You really do, dingit.

Yes, of course children need to learn lessons in survival. One way to survive is to not associate with people who are not pleasant to you.

I hope with all my heart she texts the Queen Bee and says "forget it, I have other plans".

Original poster
dingit · 16/06/2015 14:38

Sunny, to try and keep it brief, all 5 came to a sleepover, at 3am dh went down to find dd sobbing on her own, they had all moved to another room. They were taking the mickey out of dds dance and cheerleading, and telling her she was a whore. I know, I know, it sounds as ridiculous as it was, but when you're 16, and your friends do this, it's like the end of the world.
I did have a thread about it, it spiralled out of control at school, dd was refusing to go and threatened suicide.

OP posts:
sebsmummy1 · 16/06/2015 14:41

Are there any concerts you can get a quick ticket to on that date? I would love it if your daughter didn't give the mean girl the opportunity to be mean and the food gave her the shits

bigTillyMint · 16/06/2015 14:42

Oh dingit, what a horrible situation for your DDSad

I agree with Mintyy. Are you in/near London - lots of fab places to go, could give you some ideas. Or another city?

SunnyBaudelaire · 16/06/2015 14:42

OMG that is terrible, if only your DD could be persuaded to do what mintyy suggested.

Littleham · 16/06/2015 14:43

That sounds really nasty dingit. I can see why you are so worried. One solution would be to book a tempting alternative trip for your dd.

Will this girl go to the same sixth form?

SunnyBaudelaire · 16/06/2015 14:43

I mean a group pushing a girl so hard that she contemplates suicide?
Not the action of 'friends'!

SunnyBaudelaire · 16/06/2015 14:47

" in general a really nice group of girls "

REally?

Original poster
dingit · 16/06/2015 14:57

She's on the verge of telling her to stick it up her nasty .
I've told her that she can invite her boyfriend, and we will all dress up and go somewhere nice.

The answer to the sixth form thing is hopefully not, if dd gets her grades, she is the only one going there. I just hope she keeps confident and makes some good friends.

Most of them are nice girls, but individually, they can be a pack of vixens.

As for queen bee. I've decided she's jealous. Dd just about pips her academically, she has two loving parents ( don't think her dad is around) and a boyfriend of 6 months. Without meaning to boast, we are reasonably well off, and have nice holidays etc.
I'd like to think dd doesn't throw this in her face, but social media means she sees photos etc. ( as in dds profile picture is of her and her dad on our cruise last summer)

OP posts:
SunnyBaudelaire · 16/06/2015 14:59

" She's on the verge of telling her to stick it up her nasty **. "

encourage it, encourage it.

bigTillyMint · 16/06/2015 15:03

IMHE, even "nice" girls can be horrible. And something which may appear quite a small thing to others can cause a huge amount of distress to a teenage girl.

The queen bee like a really mean, unpleasant girl and the others must be terrified of getting onto the wrong side of her.

Do the girls all spend time together outside of school too? How does that work?