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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Sigh, queen bees at it again

117 replies

dingit · 16/06/2015 14:01

I really don't like this girl, she ruined dds 16th back in November but that's another story.
It's now her birthday, there are six in the group of friends, she is going out for pizza, but says she can only afford for five to come. Dd assumes she is the one left out ( she was not invited last year), but they are in general a really nice group of girls, so they have all agreed to chip in £5 so they can all go.
Dd has just received a group message with arrangements, with a bit added on for her telling her she needs to bring £10!
I'm quite happy to give dd for the money for her whole meal, but the arrangement is already leaving a sour taste in my mouth. I can see this all going wrong, dd is already a tired emotional wreck, this will be the end of exams day.
I offered that she comes out with me dh and ds, but she wants to be with her friends.
Should I just butt out and let her deal with it?

OP posts:
bigTillyMint · 16/06/2015 15:04

Oh yes, we are all rooting for her telling QB to sick it!

ErrolTheDragon · 16/06/2015 15:07

So - the birthday girl QB is horrible; there's one other girl who's lovely (but evidently left your DD sobbing alone on her 16th birthday so either not so lovely or unable to stand up to peer pressure in aid of her friend) and 4 others who are generally nice but under QB's thrall?
And the party falls on the last day after exams. Not surprised you have misgivings.

Yes, I can understand that your DD wants to be with her 'friendship group' but it really doesn't sound like it will turn out well. Going out with you and her boyfriend sounds like a much better idea. What's he like - can you get him onside to ask her in a positive way to come out for a family end-of-exams celebration?

RoobyTuesday · 16/06/2015 15:12

Your poor dd - certainly sounds like she'd be much happier in the long run if she goes out with you and/or bf instead. Could you give her and bf the money to go out for a meal just the two of them instead?
Does QB's mother know of these arrangements? I would be mortified if I knew my child had asked one person to cough up twice as much as the others and was trying to exclude them. I guess it depends on how well you know her Friends Mums but I'd be very tempted to say something.

zzzzz · 16/06/2015 15:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
dingit · 16/06/2015 15:29

Thanks everyone, and my old mates from the exam thread!!

Rooby, I like your idea of paying for her and bf, that may be my last card!

They are planning to go to the beach for day at some point. Call me over protective, but ds and me might just have to be in the same place wandering 'just in case'.

OP posts:
CremedelaSame · 16/06/2015 15:44

This all sounds horrible, sorry for your dd, op. I think going out 'en famille' would be best so that she doesn't feel all sad whilst just out with bf who may be ill equipped to deal with it. Could you organise a trip to the cinema or theatre with family and bf.

Theas18 · 16/06/2015 16:02

I'd see this as a time when she needed me to see this as a parent child transaction ( not adult to adult) so no sticky compromises but a clear " your aren't going. they are taking the pee suggesting that basically you pay for your meal and they get paid for this is not the action of friends, it is the action of people who wish to humiliate and laugh behind your back" you know this really it's exactly what happened at your party.

THen she blames you and you can go have a nice time instead when she's realised that you do have her best interests at heart .

By 16 I don't come the " mean mother" easily, mostly I'm a permissive parent with a " have you thought if this is a good idea/safe" as a fall back to iffy situations and letting them follow through what they have really thought out, but there are times to just put the motherly foot down.

If 5 kids are putting £5 into the kitty and DD is adding £10 in order to pay for DDs meal that's a gold plated pizza that costs £25!!

Theas18 · 16/06/2015 16:04

I'd suggest a really exciting special treat- if she has a boyf ( assuming he's nice) and they don't , how about an afternoon tea in a pretty romantic tea room without the rest of the family? Not over expensive but there wont be any " well we've already seen that film and it was crap" either

Madamecastafiore · 16/06/2015 16:10

Can you do special hairdressers and beauty trip as a rehearsal for prom and only time you can do it is when the meal is. You could say if you're back in time you could drop DD off maybe? I'd then turn up with a ravishing DD and as QB directly how much everyone was contributing whilst rooting around in my purse.

Girls are fucking bitches at that age.

Original poster
dingit · 16/06/2015 16:16

I think I'm going to have to put my foot down. She's now saying she's going and chucking in £10. I would like to discuss it with dh, but I won't see him until late tonight. Although it may be better sorted tomorrow after her chemistry exam.
This isn't in any of the parenting books...

OP posts:
Gobbolinothewitchscat · 16/06/2015 16:20

This is a disaster waiting to happen.

My DD us only 1(!) but I think I would fall down on the side of saying it DD that she simply cannot go and you are saying this as someone with some perspective as an outsider and with her best interests at heart.

She should say now so that any "drama" over her non-attendance is old news by the time of the prom.

SunnyBaudelaire · 16/06/2015 16:20

I agree with Thea, put your foot down - think about her sobbing at her OWN birthday! and yes, the ten pound thing is a total piss take.

PeterParkerSays · 16/06/2015 16:25

No, she puts in the same as everyone else or she doesn't go. They're not being fair.

find her a better offer, and tell the QB and her entourage that she has tickets and will not be available.

bigTillyMint · 16/06/2015 16:44

I think she should say that she's really sorry (and special thanks to those who were happy to put in for her) but her mum's arranged a special meal out with her bf - had to tell her that it was already booked when she said about friends party. That way QB can't have a go and say it was your DD who was mean to her when they offered to pay, da-de-dah.

ErrolTheDragon · 16/06/2015 16:46

Yes, definitely don't deal with it till after the chemistry exam (I've lost track, is she done then?)

The problem with all the other wonderful ideas for alternatives is.... I know that at this stage my DD doesn't want to do anything after her exams to celebrate. So I can see that yours may not be at all interested in anything you might suggest.

I'm curious how come she's back with this group after what happened on her birthday - did they pretend it never happened or what? Has your DD learned any strategies to deal with them if they start to turn on her?

Littleham · 16/06/2015 17:19

It is really good news that she will go to a different sixth form from this girl.

You just need to get through the final exams and the prom. Flowers Could this situation affect the prom arrangements?

Ginandtonictime · 16/06/2015 17:21

Im with the 'put-your-foot-down' supporters! Some battles need to be fought, and some need a strategic withdrawal for future battle strategies - this is one of them!

You're seeing the warning signs dingit ... you know the pit she's contemplating falling into ... make the decision and save her!

She might wail and scream, but her self-esteem is intact.

specialsubject · 16/06/2015 17:26

what a set of nasty little bitches, with one possible exception.

it is beyond me why your daughter would want to waste a second of her four score years and ten with these brats. Why doesn't she tell them where to go?

as for the prom - it would be interesting to know from those on here who attended one of these revolting American imports events if they still remember it, or care.

Littleham · 16/06/2015 17:29

The prom is probably important to her at the moment though, so I'm wondering whether she could go with her boyfriend (if the group falls apart)?

HuftysTrain · 16/06/2015 17:36

Goodness, this is awful. OP, I would have a long talk with her and encourage her to reply "no thanks" and accidentally bcc the bitch's parent if you can.

Your poor DD, something similar happened to me in my first year at uni. Luckily I was older and had a bit more sense and ditched them but wow it stung.

Original poster
dingit · 16/06/2015 17:42

She's not going!
I've told her the prom will be fine if they blank her, there loads of others to chat to or dance with, and her teachers. I've told her to smile and be confident, and she will look amazing.

Now looking for a nice restaurant for Friday night.

physics exam Friday, the n finished

OP posts:
HSMMaCM · 16/06/2015 17:55

Lovely family end of exam celebration. That'll be better than the alternative. Well done for sorting it out.

Mintyy · 16/06/2015 18:32

Really pleased. Glad she made that decision. Well done op Flowers.

Littleham · 16/06/2015 18:48

Hope you have a lovely celebration. Smile

Good luck for your dd in sixth form.

TeenAndTween · 16/06/2015 19:11

dingit As a complete aside, you know you can normally find offers for Prezzo online don't you? (not normally valid Fri-Sun).