Does anyone ever feel like they are in an abusive relationship with their dcs!!

[Slippersmum]

Ok, prepare for a torrent of self pity!! Another weekend of not being able to do anything right, no matter what I do! Don't know which is worst the horrible comments or the silent treatment. Am I the only one who feels like they are in some kind of abusive relationship!!?? If I wasn't related to them I would do all I could to avoid them, let alone live with them!!

I do wonder if my other half being away so much has an huge impact on my DS...DH is away monday @ sparrows and doesn't get back until Thursday night late. So DS thinks he is the man of the house the rest of the time - and yet, my DH would never ever speak to me the way DS does. DD and I are powerful strong women - no shrinking violets and wallflowers in this house. ANd yet, DS thinks he is ultimate Alpha male. I've actually had this conversation with DD and DH about him being abusive and how I would not tolerate it from a partner. There are times when he is lovely, kind, thoughtful. But they are few and far between.

I think it's a widespread problem, it's just people don't talk about it. My ds1 has been ok for the last week or so, apart from berating me for not having a better paid job so that he can have more money
I've become much more strict and stuck to not giving him lifts if he's been rude. Not giving him money unless he's done the jobs I've asked him to do. I've got a safe to keep my purse and cards in
It's working to some degree
He's off on a school trip for 10 days soon, which he shouldn't really go on because of his behaviour, but it's worth every penny to have a break from him

I do need to harden up but sometimes giving in for a quiet life seems the way forward. When he started acting like this 5 years ago i was a lot tougher but now he's drained me...not sure how long i can cope with him if im honest. Luckily i have a very supportive boss and partner!!!

AmIBeingTreasoable, another picture gone today, 1 bought for me by my late father when I got my first flat, to say I'm upset doesn't come near it! It wasn't deliberate, but it was as a result of them arguing/fighting again that it got knocked off the wall. Yes, I'd love to make them pay for damages but as they have no money except in a trust until they are 18, as DH and I will give them no allowance as behaviour bad, that's not going to work!
Templar- I am scared of what is going to happen in the future too, my 2 are 5.8 atm, and growing, they are already taller than me, so what they will be like at 16 I am dreading!
FannyFenakapan- again, my 2 are not in trouble at school atm, they had been in the past, their HoY and I are on first name terms, but that has settled and I have fingers crossed it will remain like that as they are due to start yr10 in Sept.
MopTheFloor- We are all the same, and give in at some point as we are mums, and ultimately want our kids to have the best chance of success. My 2 have just come home with letters about a school trip to Berlin as part of their Germany and History GCSE coursework, £100 deposit each, and I am tempted to say go to hell, but then I am also thinking of ways to scrape the money together as the trip will help them with both exams!!
I have sympathy for you all who are going through this, I remember my brothers being a pain when they were teens, but at least they, like I, still had some respect for our parents and other adults, kids now seem to have lost all that sense of respect.

Well i did it....i sat both him and my partner down (thought it would be best to give them both a talking too and not just my son!)...ive said no more money and no more lifts 100's of miles away for his racing until he proves he can get out of bed at 11am mon to fri, get dressed (!) And not talk to my partner like something hes just stepped in! Told them both that i cant have constant txs and calls whilst im at work to come home to diffuse the situation...they have to sort themselves out. Also told son that he needs to bring plates out of his room or he'll have no tea the next day (dont panic..he wont starve..prop forward build so he'll cope for a few days!) Son tried to get angry and butt in but i wouldnt let him...i was bricking it mind you!! Although saying that hes now stormed off back to his room...id like to think to have some sort of reflection over whats just been said! Who am i kidding!!! I also said that ive put up with his attitude and agression far too long..he has 4 weeks to buck his ideas up..if not then we go to social services for support...he has to take responsibility for his actions and know that referring to my partner as 'him' 'he' 'mong' 'prick' isnt acceptable...baby steps but i hope im getting through!! Washing, dressing, taking your plate out isnt asking for much....lets see how it goes...i have to be back at work friday and theyll be alone...im already stressing!!!!

How many times do I have to hear (from well-meaning people) "she needs to grow up/she needs to learn to respect you/she needs to realise she can't treat you like this"!!
NO!! She doesn't need to do anything! That's her whole point! She can be lazy, disrespectful, angry, nasty and anything else she wants to be, because any consequence she faces (stopping money, washing, ironing, cooking etc) she doesn't give a toss about!! In fact, the more she's warned about consequences, the firmer she digs her heels in!!
Can you tell I'm pissed off today, after a hard day's work, and coming home to find she's spent ALL day watching Kardashians and painting her nails?!!! ????
Aah, that's better - thank you!

Have to agree with pp who queued how one child can be fine and others awful.
DD1 is married, good job, own children etc yet still causes trouble and upset on a regular basis.
DS and DD2, both late teens, do the eye roll stuff etc bit are never cheeky or rude or entitled
DD3 not yet a teen but I forsee trouble

Queued?
Queried obv

Haha 3cats.....feel free to rant....and breathe! X im feeling, even with the punishments im trying to put in place, it wont make the slightest bit of difference....knowing him as i do..he'll probably get worse knowing i'll have to give in!
Georgina - can we swap lol...id love the eye roll and cheeky stuff...thats normal 'kevin' teenager syndrome...im jealous ;-) fingers crossed dd3 will be your best friend

Hopefully !
She will be only one left at home probably by time she hits teenage years as next sibling up is 6 plus years older
That means she can have lots of attention

Thank you Templar! I feel better after that rant (and half a bottle of wine since!!) It's just every bloody day there's something. Something that rocks the boat, something that upsets the rest of the family. I have a DS16 who has never given us any bother, and I doubt he ever will. It's all down to their nature; I've brought them up in exactly the same way - why is it then that one is polite, helpful, sensitive and loving and the other is the bitch-troll from hell?!

templar, you say it won't work, but try to keep to your boundaries even while he's ignoring them iyswim. Like no tea if he doesn't bring his plates and cups out - just stick to it. Make your dinner, eat it, clear up and say nothing. Don't make a fuss and be drawn into an argument - just let him come into an empty kitchen and wonder. RESIST the temptation to leave a serving for him just for a quiet life!

I've started with my boundaries. I've just told my youngest I don't like his attitude to the exams - he might not care, but he allowed me to spend my money on extra lessons so he made a commitment to me, and to stop blaming everyone else. So my "conditions" for paying for the college he wants to go to are that he passes the fecking exam. He told me that was blackmail and that I've ruined his evening.

My eldest (23 not even a teenager) came in to the kitchen to make toast and peanut butter - I requested that she made dinner for everyone instead, I had to say it several times but she did.

I hate confrontation. I just want a quiet life with my beloved children.

3cats - snap! My 18 year old is a pure delight...adores my partner, loves the family life...and ive bought them up with the same morals..same manners...everything....its true that no 2 are the same....and i truly believe in second child syndrome lol x
mopthefloor - i know..i have to stick with it for the sake of my sanity and my relationship. We have to be strong and show a united front..its the aggression and arguments i hate...my partner has been so calm..because ive begged him to be..when my son confronts me..squares up to me...shows total disrespect...but i can see his patience wearing very thin!! I also want a peaceful life..to enjoy my relationship and selfishly...how very dare i....be happy!! X

And just want to say thanks for listening (reading!) my trials and tribulations and for the words of wisdom. It does truly help unloading to parents who are also struggeling :-) onwards and upwards! x

bubby64 - they might not have any money to pay for the picture but you must find some consequence for them. Find whatever it is that they value the most and withdraw it!

Well done Templat for laying down the law. The tricky bit is sticking to it! I think you have to try or he won't take any notice

I let ds1 be angry if he wants, I don't care. He can moan as he does a job, I don't care

He's been vile again tonight, I'm just walking away and not getting into an argument. 4 days and he's in Spain

Well said AmIbeingTreasonable.

Whoop whoop Dolly...4 days and counting i bet! Im doing the ignoring bit too...havent seen him since i sat him down...been in his room all evening and not said a dicky bird to me!
Ive been offered help from a teenage support worker by the council...i love the idea of him having a mentor but i can already forsee his reaction...i get embarassed often by his attitude and total lack of respect for any adult

I've been trying to get help for years.
We apparently have a CAF not much being done with it though - I'll chase that tomorrow
I'm trying to be consistent with the no lifts etc and the look of utter amazement on his face is something to behold. He actually told me a few weeks ago he'd sorted a lift home from a youth club with his dad. I said I'd take him but only if he had a lift back. So on the way I thought I'd better just check as I couldn't pick him up. No his dad had told him he couldn't do it. He just thought I'd HAVE to pick him up!
So I turned the car around and drove home (with him kicking me)

Camel - my son refused to get out of bed ever since he went to senior school and i couldnt physically move in. I remember once at junior school i got him there but he wouldnt get out the car..the head knew i was having difficulties with him so came over and literally dragged him out my car. Senior school made be feel useless..bad parent..it was my responsibility to get him there..even if he turned aggresive towards me. They were no help whatsoever!

Dolly - youve just made me spit my tea out with laughter of 'girl power' standard!! Well done you for driving home..shame it was an uncomfortable journey for you but i bet he wont try that again lololol

*him not 'in'!!!

I did once get him to school when he was refusing to go by pretending I was dropping him at my dads. I put his uniform in his bag. Then I drove at full speed to school

He threw shoes at my head whilst driving but I got him there. He had to change in the car and go in.

Haha Dolly...brilliant.

Yes i agree Camel...when the house exploded the other day my son wanted to call the police as he felt threatened that we sat him down and wouldnt let him move until we spoke to him...even though he was punching the table and screaming at us. It was all a bluff of course but i was secretly hoping that he would call the police...yes hes 2 months off of being 16 and is still classed as a child but i wanted the police to see him at his 'best'...to see the size of him compared to me...i think i secretly wanted to be put on their 'radar' for any future explosions!!!